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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

219 replies

JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 16:02

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

OP posts:
Whatshouldidointhenewyear · 27/12/2018 16:07

I’ve recently become aware of swinging/ alternative sexual practices, it strikes me that lots of women who pursue these kinds of relationships experience poor mental health and or vulnerable. If she’s over 18 and have capacity, I don’t think here’s much you can do. If that isn’t the case consider an adult safeguarding referral?

ApolloandDaphne · 27/12/2018 16:09

Your choice of words is strange. You 'dare not' end the relationship over this. Why not?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2018 16:11

Why do you dare not end the relationship? He’s behaving horribly. How can you find him attractive when he’s hurting a vulnerable young woman? I wouldn’t want him in my house never mind in my bed or near my children.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 27/12/2018 16:12

Personally I think you should leave a man who is abusing another woman. The phrase 'I dare not end our relationship' is very telling.
I would contact her and offer support and tell her she isn't obliged to do anything which makes her uncomfortable. Your h is showing a side of himself that would ruin a relationship for me

sausagebap · 27/12/2018 16:12

Dump him, he's a sexual abuser.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 16:13

Of course you can end your relationship if your discover that the other person isn't who you thought they were! You don't have to seek permission.

Are your children his children too and how old are they?

Huskylover1 · 27/12/2018 16:15

Why do you want to share a life with such a deviant? He sounds vile. He has no respect for women.

If he is filming her, does he film you too? Do you want your sex tapes on the internet?

And you "dare" not leave him?? What??

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 16:17

Do you feel able to challenge him about this and talk about the issues around how he interacts with her? Or is that something that he would not respond well to?

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 16:17

I think you should leave. Your kids should not see an abusive relationship.

MadameButterface · 27/12/2018 16:21

A domineering man controlling and abusing vulnerable women, having his wife tiptoe around his feelings and his every sexual whim catered to by a mentally ill woman with low self esteem.

How daringly original and alternative of him. Ugh.

Dieu · 27/12/2018 16:22

He sounds like a predator, OP.

AnyFucker · 27/12/2018 16:23

Dare not ?

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 27/12/2018 16:23

This doesn't sound good for you, the gf or your kids.

TedAndLola · 27/12/2018 16:24

How the hell can you stay with a sexual abuser?

TiaOscura · 27/12/2018 16:24

I don't think this kind of relationship structure is ever healthy but I'm trying to remain neutral here:

Maybe he's never wronged you, but the way he manipulates others should show you something.

If you are truly not jealous of this girl then you will tell him what you think, support her, and end it with him.

I wouldn't want to raise my children around someone like him, as nice as he is to their faces.

CatnissEverdene · 27/12/2018 16:28

He is an abuser, OP.

How on earth can you even begin to justify keeping this man around your DC?

LoniceraJaponica · 27/12/2018 16:32

This reply has been deleted

This post has been hidden until the MNHQ team can have a look at it.

bifflediffle · 27/12/2018 16:32

Aye, polyamory always ends up in a clusterfuck. You should know this if you're on the scene. Someone always takes advantage of someone else, and everyone wants to be the primary.

You need to end the relationship and do some work on your boundaries.

dorisdog · 27/12/2018 16:33

Totally not judging the polyamorous relationship aspect of your partnership - I know it works well for lots of people, but this sounds predatory. (As you've described it). Isn't the point of polyamoury to be very open and honest about with each other (and other partners) about how the relationship(s) are? You need to tell him how you feel about all this. It sounds pretty predatory to me. Don't you want to check with her whether she's being 'pressured?' and whether their sexual acts are fully consensual? (or maybe you have and that's why you're worried?), Even if she has an ongoing mental health problem, that doesn't mean she doesn't have agency in the relationship with him.

Also echo others that 'don't dare leave him,' sounds a bit ominous.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/12/2018 16:35

Dare not? Why? Does he have video of you that you're afraid he'll show someone? Are you afraid you won't find another man who is interested in your lifestyle? Are you financially dependent on him?

As far as I'm concerned, someone who tolerates bad behaviour is just as complicit as the person who is doing that bad behaviour. I'd leave in a hot second. Then I'd reach out to the girl and try to make sure that she was all right, even if all that happened was her rejecting me/my advice.

Travisandthemonkey · 27/12/2018 16:35

Why would you want to be with someone who disguises his abuse under polyamory

PolyKit · 27/12/2018 16:36

I'm poly too.

He's a cunt. Leave him.

PolyKit · 27/12/2018 16:36

He's the type of test that gives poly a bad name Angry

PolyKit · 27/12/2018 16:37

Twat* not test

Knittink · 27/12/2018 16:37

Why on earth do you not 'dare' end the relationship over this? That's a very odd choice of words.
In any case whenever people talk about polyamory, they are always very keen to point out how healthy and not weird or sordid it is. However, what you're describing very much seems to me like the kind of mess that could well result from this kind of set-up - unequal relationships, using people for sex, partners pretending to be ok with it all while spying on each others' activity with their other sexual partners etc etc. Sounds grim to me.

And he sounds sexually abusive. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who can behave like that?

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