Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

[JRulez7lek]

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

JRulez7lek "This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches."

I'd say pressuring anyone into any kind of sex is immoral and also illegal. If she chose to make a case against him I don't know how she would fair.

It's your choice how you react but if it were me I would talk to her and I would dump him. It sounds like a nightmare scenario to me.

Re "What I wanted was a way to quote and respond to a specific person's post"

You can highlight another's name by typing the name with * at the start and end of the name. You can put the quote in "" speech marks, some choose to make it italic (not sure how to do it!) and some even put the words in bold with asterisk at the start and end.

You can also make people are you are mentioning them with @ at the start of their name but this is not generally welcomed at all on Mumsnet, unless you are returning to a thread after it has gone cold (so to speak).

aware not are!

"If I was living in some place like Scandinavia were people are more understanding towards Polyamory, I could talk about this and seek support, but not here, no no. So I'm better off staying with him."

I am not sure you are better off staying with him, he sounds horrible.

It sounds like you are staying with him because he makes life financially easier, "He'd lose his job and thus our private insurance which is required for paying for my child's special needs. I'd not be able to keep my parents in the nice nursing home they're in. We'd lose our home. I'd have to quit my part time courses I'm doing."

If you are paying to keep even one parent in a private nursing home you are paying a fortune, I would imagine, so you will probably with him for a long time. When my mum needed care in a care home she payed with her own house (being sold) no way on earth could I have afforded that. So it sounds like you are financially tied to him. If you want to break free from him, I'd look into your own finances and future, and decide what the future will look like.

I also think, if you have kids, I'd be very careful allowing him around them. I'm sorry to say it but he sounds like he is coercing this woman and I would not want someone like that around my kids.

This is my honest opinion based on what you have read, having not watched the video you linked to, because this really doesn't seem to be a 'Poly' thing, it;s more a 'I'm financially dependent on him' kind of thing. And I get you are not jealous and this is fine. Its all fine apart from the way he is behaving, that's the crux of it, IMHO.

This is awful OP you are letting your husband (who clearly is not a pleasant person) take advantage of a vulnerable woman because it suits you too stay

Also this type of behaviour doesn’t just suddenly appear he hasn’t suddenly become this person it’s probably far more pervasive in your relationship that you admit

This isn't about poly relationships. It's about a man sexually exploiting a vulnerable woman, something I could never condone.

Is Polyamory like Balamory? Do you all live in pretty houses, around a harbour?

I am very much reminded of the murder of Elaine O'Hara by Graham Dwyer in Dublin a few years ago. She was mentally unstable and he had a knife/stabbing fetish.
www.theguardian.com/world/2015/apr/20/irish-sadomasochist-graham-dwyer-life-sentence-sex-slave-elaine-ohara

Whether the OP was there or not would not impact the husband's decision to have sex with this young lady. There are plenty of relationships, monogamous included, where one party has more power than the other and leads / dictates what happens with sex.

I don't see a link between husbands sexual activities and his relationship with his children. They're totally separate.

OP has your husband had other relationships that you were uncomfortable with? What arrangements do you have if one of you is uncomfortable with a particular partner?

I don't believe you are enabling his "abuse" of this woman. I would suggest it would occur regardless of if you stay with him or don't. If she says it's her fantasy and she consents on the video, then I really don't see what can be done.

OP - I had understood that poly relationships needed those involved to better communicate with their partners in order for them to operate successfully and for trust to remain solid.

Please - talk openly with your DH about your fears and tell him how it makes you feel about him. None of that = ending a marriage.

Living with someone who you don’t respect and who you can’t be straight with about how you feel - now that’s a marriage wrecker.

It would also be a red flag if he reacted badly to your reasonable concerns.

You ask "what should I do?", whilst saying you "cannot leave him", although on a moral level you know full well what he is doing is wrong. You also go on to say "I'd not be able to keep my parents in the nice nursing home they're in. We'd lose our home. I'd have to quit my part time courses I'm doing".

Basically - you will stay married to him for the sake of his money.you will sell yourself and your soul out for the sake of his money. You will turn a blind eye, ultimately, to his immoral treatment of a vulnerable woman, because of the money and lifestyle he provides you. If this is who he truly is, he will not give up the situation with this woman - it seems he is enjoying it too much to change because your moral compass is twitching.

You are as bad as he is. On your head be it.

No issue with you being poly. The issue at hand is not the consensual sex they are having - it's that your husband is choosing to ignore the girl's mental state or in fact using it to his advantage, knowing he can get his gratification as she is vulnerable.
If you recognise that, which you do and is why you are here, how can you condone that? You're a mother yourself. It's wrong and you know it.

It made me remeber the Dwyer case too. You are complicit in abuse and you are doing nothing.

*remember

OP if you're still reading...

I wonder if his preferences have just come out of nowhere, or if he's been doing these things before but you didn't know? And maybe the age gap would have been less before too.

What would also bother me about this is that he's splitting himself. He's the sweetest man with you, and he's abusive to someone else. Some people are abusive inside the hone and outside they're extremely kind, helpful people. While being poly is a red herring in many ways here, in this aspect it's not. I'd be wondering if he's only able to be kind to me because he's able to vent his dark side with her (and possibly previous girlfriends).

And I'd also be concerned that in the poly community I'd be seen as almost being a party to his behaviour by being/remaining his life partner.

Exactly what Dwyer says "complicit in abuse".

I hope you will leave this man.

To answer a few questions. The woman in question gave consent to be filmed. I've met her and she actually wanted me to see it. Like I said, she's an exhibitionist. To answer the question about her medication and whether she's on it or not. After reading the questions here I decided to contact her about that. She said that presently she's on her medication, which is why she's feeling rather numb at the moment, no sex drive, which would also explain why my husband has not been meeting her for the last few weeks. I asked her about whether she felt pressured into any of the sex acts they were performing. She got mad at me for assuming she can't think for herself. She claimed that most of the crazy stuff they got up to was her idea. While I do believe that, that also raises the question... why would my husband choose someone whose boundaries are far off.

So to clarify, I was wrong about him pressuring her. I was wrong about it being his idea to carry out those sex acts. She asked me to look at the video. She is an exhibitionist. She was not on her medication at the time she did all that stuff which is why she was so off the wall batshit. He KNOWS she is twisted up that way there for he still did something wrong by choosing such a crazy woman.

Well it's better than the original picture.

But I agree - just because someone volunteers for something, doesn't mean you should oblige. And if you do, that reflects on you.

Probably time for a discussion with DH...

In other words you've realised what you've got to lose and have done a massive backpeddle changing your story as you go?

Go read your first post again.

It's your life and hopefully with a bit of luck this girl will tell someone who will or pursuade her to report it. When she's stable on her medication she might do a whole lot of thinking about this man of yours.

Off her medication? So clearly very unwell then, and vulnerable to boot.

Perfect pickings for a lowlife with no morals.

This is one of the most bizarre threads I have read in a while.

OP I really think you need to give some consideration to whether this arrangement is working for you.

This is horrible. I'm bipolar and was taken advantage of many times when it was unmanaged. Any decent person should be able to see if someone is not well and make a choice not to encourage and facilitate destructive behaviours. You might not be able to stop them - there may well be another abuser waiting around the corner - but you can choose not to be a part of it.