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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

219 replies

JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 16:02

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

OP posts:
PortiaCastis · 27/12/2018 20:42

I want to know what's in the PMs as I didn't get one and I'm pissed off about it Angry

AnyFucker · 27/12/2018 20:44

Was it an invite to jpin this merry tribe of these sex people fuckwits ? There's a lot of it about, apparently.

PortiaCastis · 27/12/2018 20:47

Lot of threads about more than one partner to shag on here today there's even an AMA, but none of these folk ever seem to get the clap do they

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/12/2018 20:48

Is MN being invaded by sex people fuckwits tonight? Is there another forum they've all come from?

AnyFucker · 27/12/2018 20:48

It would appear so

And Piss Trolls

PortiaCastis · 27/12/2018 20:51

Ha tis very amusing all this bonking going on but still time to post about it, well id be in the bath soothing my inflamed crotch in teatree oil or something

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 27/12/2018 20:51

The polyamory people always manage to make shagging about sound so dull.

gamerchick · 27/12/2018 20:51

Just settling waiting for the poo troll who is awful quiet ATM.

Dirtybadger · 27/12/2018 20:52

Lynn, these are sex people

(And if this is true then he's abusing her. If he knows she can't form consent, in a period of mania, then I don't know if he is protected legally).

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2018 20:53

"Lynn, these are sex people"

Jurassic park!!

LonginesPrime · 27/12/2018 20:53

If I found out that my significant other, despite being lovely to me, was behaving in a terrible way towards other people (friends, family, etc), it would alter my view of that person and it would force me to reconsider whether I wanted to continue a relationship with them.

The polyamory part is a red herring, OP - either you think what he's doing is ok and there's no problem, or you have an issue with the way he's treating another very vulnerable person and it is a problem. From the fact you've posted, I'm guessing it's the latter.

FrogsLegs33 · 27/12/2018 20:56

The school hols sure seem long now...

Original poster
JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 20:58

Gamerchick, why are you so angry? What did I do to offend you?

And who are you to judge if someone wants to be Polyamours or not?

OP posts:
bifflediffle · 27/12/2018 20:59

You are colluding in the abuse of another woman. How do you feel about that?

Original poster
JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 21:02

What's all this about PM's, "poo trolls" and other " sex people fuckwits"???

It seems my thread has been hijacked by a lot of aggressive people.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 21:05

It's because it seems suspicious, and you've abandoned it mostly and then aren't answering questions when you have returned.

madmum5811 · 27/12/2018 21:07

Posts questioning the validity of this thread were removed earlier and probably will be again.

Original poster
JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 21:08

I will reply to all relevant threads once I have some time alone. I am obviously not able to do this in front of my husband, or while on the road, or when I'm parenting. I don't have that much free time in the day, but when I do, I'll make sure to respond to everything.

OP posts:
BubonicBudgie · 27/12/2018 21:14

I have a relative who is bipolar. You are condoning his despicable behaviour.
It's all very well saying she's a consenting adults. But her actual state of mind could mean she isn't

AnyFucker · 27/12/2018 21:21

If you can respond to these last few posts, you could answer the relevant questions

How do you feel about being complicit in the abuse of a vulnrrable woman ? Why do you "dare not" do anything about it ? Why can you not use a device in front of your husband ?

JustHereForThePooStories · 27/12/2018 21:24

What's all this about PM's

You PMed me asking why I accused you of being a troll. I didn’t.

Very strange behaviour to message people who respond to your thread.

Very strange thread, and poster.

Mustangwally · 27/12/2018 21:24

I think your husband has manipulated you both to live your lives around him.

NottonightJosepheen · 27/12/2018 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 21:42

I pm'd one person who suggested in her post, that I was not for real. In my message I stated that I was genuine. What I wanted was a way to quote and respond to a specific person's post but since that does not seem to be available on this forum, I thought the next best option was to PM. I realize now that this was a mistake. However, what surprised me is how up in arms everybody got about it.

I came to this forum seeking support as I'm considering leaving my husband. However, to my dismay, instead of getting solid advice on what to do, I got a lot of abuse. Mostly from people who see me and my husband as "sex people". Does that imply that you're a "none sex person" who engages in intercourse once every 4th year? If so, then perhaps my family life is not so bad after all.

Overall, the impression I get from you lot tells me what I need to know. If I leave my husband I'll have to tell people why. People will blame me and my life will get a whole lot worse. If I was living in some place like Scandinavia were people are more understanding towards Polyamory, I could talk about this and seek support, but not here, no no. So I'm better off staying with him.

Thanks for the support.

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 21:44

Look, try reading the posts that are supportive and ask reasonable questions. Skip the ones that you don't like.

Of course you don't need to tell people why you left your husband. And it's not polyamory that people have an issue with, it's the behaviour of your husband.