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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

219 replies

JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 16:02

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 01/01/2019 20:23

Dear God woman, wake the fuck up. Being Poly has got fuck all to do with anything, you’ve realised you’re married to a shit but don’t want to leave because of the cushy lifestyle. Really didn’t need the preamble.

It sounds like your confidants are so wrapped up in the ‘lifestyle’ that they can’t separate it from the individual. They’re so busy defending the lifestyle that they end up condoning the shitty individual.

Leave or stay, it’s your call but how you can stay within spitting distance, let alone stay married, to such a vile excuse for a human is beyond me.

InkyAndBinky · 02/01/2019 02:09

What a twisted man. I could never stay with someone like that even if they paid the bills.

jessstan2 · 02/01/2019 02:24

This is a very sinister thread. Years ago, I knew a young woman who was involved with a chap like your husband; she had mental health problems, at one time she was hospitalised. He got her into the S&M scene, he had other women too. Quite dreadful.

Degrading a girl, making her perform sex acts in public and all the other things you mention are certainly quite deviant. I certainly couldn't stay with a man like that and don't understand why you do. He's brainwashed you into thinking it's all normal, it's not.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 02/01/2019 02:37

From your OP :
What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. That dark side is still there.
And : I dare not end our relationship over this, Why do you dare not?

differentnameforthis · 02/01/2019 11:09

No judgement on your living arrangements etc, but these two things contradict each other ...

pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches

keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual ...This is not an issue of broken laws

Pressuring someone to do something is called coercion. Coercing someone to take part in sexual activity is sexual assault and rape. So yes, he IS doing something wrong.

Also, she may not be in the right head space if she is self destructing due to mental health issues. I would be worried about her capacity to consent.

I dare not end our relationship over this Why?
That makes you an enabler, and possibly an accessory to rape.

gamerchick · 02/01/2019 11:17

Why do you dare not?

She needs his money.

What bemused me is the way the OP thinks she's in control of this. This abused young woman has been dumped. Whether she takes kindly to that remains to be seen.

PsychedelicSheep · 02/01/2019 11:43

It's possible to have a mental illness and be kinky, the two are not mutually exclusive.

From your follow up I'd say it sounds as though she knows what she's doing. She's back on her meds now and hasn't seen him for a while so I'd trust her to live her life.

He sounds a bit unsavoury but he's not done anything illegal and I've no idea where you would 'report' him to.

PandasAreCuteAnimals · 02/01/2019 12:04

Run away from the abuser. Tell the other woman to do the same

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2019 16:11

First off use the right work, you choose not to leave. 'Dare not' makes it sound as if you have no choice. You do have a choice and have chosen to stay. It may be for good reasons, but acknowledge that it is a choice you have made, not one that has been forced on you.

Secondly, you are complicit in what he has done. You stood by and allowed him to take advantage of a mentally ill young woman. You have 'absolved' yourself of blame by saying that she consented. You know this isn't really true as she had a skewed idea of what was harmful to herself.

Now you say he's admitted it wasn't right and 'wont do it again'. Bullshit and you know it. Sure, he may not take advantage of a mentally vulnerable female in the same way, but sooner or later he's going to cross some line in his behaviour. And you will again turn the other way and say you are 'forced' to put up with it. At least be honest with yourself. You will chose to look the other way. No one will force you.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/01/2019 16:12

WorD, not work!

frennyC · 02/01/2019 21:09

This thread is so very, very wrong. I have a lot to say about the OP's life style choices but but I don't want to derail this thread.

As for your problem. I honestly believe your children should be taken away from both of you. Neither of you seem fit to parent.

Original poster

JRulez7lek · 02/01/2019 21:53

Frennyc, I'm starting to think that making this thread was a huge mistake. Everybody hates me in it because I won't give up the quality of life my children and parents have in order to punish my husband for something he's already stopped doing.

OP posts:

category12 · 02/01/2019 21:56

But how do you live with what he's done? I mean, doesn't he gross you out?

Smallhorse · 02/01/2019 22:44

No one hates you, op x

Pissedoffdotcom · 02/01/2019 23:02

He SAYS he has stopped doing. And the fact he has done it in the first place - taken advantage of a vulnerable person - shows what capabilities he is hiding from you. How can you look at him knowing he did that? And I say that as somebody who enjoys BDSM & some 'risky' forms of play, in a fully consensual relationship dynamic. If my DP told me/i found out he had manipulated somebody he knew was not properly medicating it would make me sick to my stomach. Your children are growing up in a house with a manipulative abuser

JamieOliversChickenNugget · 02/01/2019 23:04

No way will he go back to normal sex and be satisfied by one person.

PinaColada1 · 02/01/2019 23:09

I know it’s hard OP, but this is going to fester. I think you need some help to process this. Your husband abused a vulnerable woman, lines were crossed. If you don’t square this openly and transparently, it will eat you up.

Madmozzie · 03/01/2019 00:04

He swears it will never happen again, that his days of being Polyamory are over and that he'll spend more time focused on the family. Should I still be upset or should I let this go?

Sounds like the usual over compensating response from someone who knows they've done wrong but does not really plan on following through on what they say.

So he's giving up the lifestyle after so long because of this incident/relationship? Why?
And spending more time on the family? Why - did the lifestyle detract from his family life that much?

AgentJohnson · 03/01/2019 08:52

OP you are free not to post. He’s an abusive dick who happens to be Poly and despite your protests, you are not unlike many women who stay with an arsehole because they dont want to give up a lifestyle they have become accustomed to.

If he can swing from being an abusive arsewipe so easily (which I doubt he has but he knows you well enough that a few platitudes will keep you quiet), don’t be surprised when he swings right back.

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