Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

[JRulez7lek]

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

Damn right I'll judge you on the information you've given. Your husband is sexually abusing another woman and you'll turn a blind eye to it so that you don't have to find other ways to fund your parents care home or your lifestyle. There are other ways of doing it if you look hard enough - but you'll stick with an abuser for your own benefit. That says it all.

All sounds a bit Fred and Rose. Dangerous and irresponsible, but not in the teenage way you're hoping people would find it.

Whatever the rights of wrongs of polygamy you are complicit in any abuse you are aware of.

I used to also see other people, but it's been a few years since parenting & work has taken up most of my energy.

^

Strange how it's the woman who hasn't the energy : hubby manages a load of kinky sex with a 20 year old or whatever

What a load of tosh

Some people lead seriously fucked up lives.

OP your position sounds bloody miserable. Is this honestly what you want from your life?

As other people have said, it's not polygamy or polyamory, it's an open relationship that is very one sided in that the OP doesn't have the time, energy or inclination to seek other partners but her husband does.

It sounds like you're done with the polygamy thing but your DH obviously isn't and you are rightly concerned about his sexual preferences from now on.
Your lifestyle has changed, you've changed, that's ok, it happens.
Do you really want to sacrifice your own happiness for others or could you bide your time until you are not so financially dependent on him?
You don't have to report him, nothing to report! You also don't have to tell anyone else in RL what's been going on.
I really feel for you, you've made a horrible discovery about your DH, he's crossed a boundary.

He'd lose his job and thus our private insurance which is required for paying for my child's special needs. I'd not be able to keep my parents in the nice nursing home they're in. We'd lose our home. I'd have to quit my part time courses

You're staying with him for the money then.

Well I have to confronted him and if I'm to believe him, then his thing with the other girl is now over. He also knows how I feel about him taking advantage of a woman with a mental illness, so there's that. He swears it will never happen again, that his days of being Polyamory are over and that he'll spend more time focused on the family. Should I still be upset or should I let this go?

Do you still feel upset? You’ve done the right thing by confronting him and he’s making all the right noises. I say See how it goes and reassess when the dust has settled. Good luck 💐

And do you believe him?

And can you actually stomach him given you think he took advantage of her metal illness? < not envy

This perversion wont disappear, he will find sicker, more underground ways to fulfil mis dirty sick needs.
What you see now is what you have. You wont be able to see him in the same way again, how will you have sex with him without vomiting?

He’s just manipulating you by feeding you a load of lies. This is exactly the type of situation which makes polygamy seedy and horrible to most people. It’s just like a rapist saying he’s raped but won’t do it again. It doesn’t make him a reformed decent human being just because he says he won’t do it again.

i think id be concerned about that too. I think that even in a poly set up, as his wife you should be able to still veto some stuff and so should he

The BDSM behaviour doesnt bother me. The fact he knowingly took advantage of somebody with an intense MH issue who was not taking her medication properly is absolutely disgusting & for that alone he would be gone. People have fetishes & fantasies, if done with a willing partner fully able to consent then fine. Someone off their meds is NOT able to consent & means your husband is a bullying, abusing, asshole. Not someone i'd want near my kids or in my bed

So he's just going to stop the polyamory just like that? That thing that was such a critical part of your relationship that it was half of your lengthy OP.

Yeah, right

Yep, he's going to stop being poly (which some poly people argue is an orientation rather than lifestyle choice) and give up the BDSM practices OP finds repulsive, just like that. (Practices for which the other woman involved needed to have poor mental health as an excuse for indulging , apparently. What's his excuse?)

i took it that he was giving up this girlfriend. Not the lifestyle

oh i just re-read. I think it sounds like hes throwing his toys out of the pram

FINE, I WILL NEVER HAVE FUN AGAIN. THEN YOULL BE HAPPY

The whole situation sounds vile.
If a person is abusing someone they are an abuser. Full stop. It's not something that can be switched on and off. They are still an abuser even when not actually degrading someone for their personal sick pleasure, at that particular point in time. It is still who they are.
Whatever you think of it OP or are prepared to have in your relationship, an abuser is not a person I would have anywhere near my children (or me).

at Branleuse, that's exactly it, I think.

So you support an abuser because he looks after you financially, how fucking gross are you!!!!

I suppose Fred West was also treated his wife nicely.

He’s a deviant .

Hiding behind being poly.

Have some self respect