Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

[JRulez7lek]

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

Oh OP what a horrible, horrible thing to find out about someone you love. I really feel for you. I was on the other side of a similar situation 20 years back. Fell for a wonderful, creative, and rather fragile woman (am bi) and her male partner was keen for me to join them in the longer term. Although I am bi and poly-curious, I refused after I found out what he was making her do - unprotected group sex whilst he watched in Amsterdam brothels. She was so gaslit, she thought it was part of their poly arrangement and better than him 'cheating' (even though she didn't want it, found it degrading and worried about HIV). Such bollocks - broke my heart that such a beautiful woman (inside and out) chose to stay with an abusive man who regularly arranged for her to be (in my eyes) raped. There are some genuinely lovely people on the poly scene - and some total shockers. I ran. I hope you find the strength to run too.

Gamerchick, I'm not back peddling. I took some of the constructive none bigoted advice offered here and acted upon it. Your posts have been nothing but malicious and counter productive. I don't see why you have to be that way.

Yes, I have a better grasp of the situation now. I need to figure out what to do now. I will make clear to my husband that I don't want him in that relationship anymore. I think he will accept that since he's never lied or cheated on me before. The problem is, can I ever regain my respect for him knowing what I know now?

What are the 'homemade' films used for? Do the participants have legal rights over that data? Is it password protected.
Your husband didn't 'lie' but he didn't tell you the truth either of what he was up to. Otherwise you wouldn't be surprised.
You are surprised by his behaviour. Therefore he has hidden something from you.

He's abused a vulnerable woman and you don't want to leave him because you'll be worse off financially. You're morally bankrupt, and I don't believe your last post. You're making out she's consenting because of the response here.

Really awful.

You know you're going to stay with him, so I don't know why you bothered posting.

The crimes of some men that women hide for their own gain is shocking.

Sorry, I missed she was off her meds then.

Yuck.

I'd ask what he was thinking, but it's kind of obvious it wasn't his head engaged. And the part of him that was engaged, well...

And if polyamory is about more than just fucking around (which I know it generally is) then why has he not been pushing to spend time with her now that she's not up to freaky stuff? There's no actual relationship there from the sounds of things, which I'd be not so happy with in your situation: he appears very much to be using and abusing her.

I have a very close friend with BiPolar, she seems to be a magnet for abusive men who use her for threesomes or practice their kinks and fetishes on. When she's manic it off her meds she makes some self destructive choices that she knows puts her at risk but self destruction and feelings of worthless teamed with wanting to be lived and helped maes her vulnerable and while she says she's consented the men singling her out know she'd never agree to the stuff they ask when she's well and not manic. It's kind of like an extension to her self harming, she's consenting because it harms her if that makes sense.

She's been pressured to have sex with others for money while he watches, she's been pressured into threesomes and group sex, into very rough anal and choking and hitting. I could make a list a mile long.

I've been friends with her for five years now and there's been two occasions when she's been very unwell and men who claim to be her friends have tried to have sex with her, both wanting violent or kinky or fetish type sex with her, they've done this because they know her well enough to know how her bipolar effects her and that when manic she self harms and easily led, they knowingly try to take full advantage of her. It's fucking disgusting and such men know exactly what they are doing.

She's got a more genuine set of genuine friends who care about her mental wellbeing and for the last five years an amazing dh and her life has been pretty stable. 2018 has been really bad though and her dh has had to move out (still together but need to live separately for other reasons) and two of her so called Male friends have already tried to manipulate her into a threesome but friends have called them out on it and been told to fuck off.

The fact your dh is only doing this stuff when she is off her meds and isn't seeing her when she's well indicates he's a cunt too. If polyamory isn't just about the sex and it's about relationships why isn't he spending time with her when she has no libido due to med change? They way you speak about him sounds like he has manipulated you too.

You should be able to use a device in front him. You shouldn't be scared to leave and it sounds like he's manipulated you into accepting abusive behaviour so that your child has his additional needs easily met.

The polyamory is relevant in that he isn't treating her like a "girlfriend" he's treating her like a piece of meat. I'd end any relationship with a man who treat any woman that way.

I would question the mental capacity of someone who is off their meds and suffering from bipolar. I doubt that they would be able to make an informed consent choice to be filmed. Your husband sounds like an absolute cunt and I can't think of the last time I have used that word to describe anyone.
If she is under a mental health team I would probably be considering if she needs referring to Safeguarding.

My understanding of polyamory is that consent and communication are the most important things - unless it's a Mormon style where only the men get multiples.

So why haven't you talked to your husband about this yet? And why couldn't you assert your own boundaries with the GF's insisting you watch the sex tape?

OP :
1- it is good you came for advice
2- no good and sound advice can be given to you unless you are willing to give answers to the following important questions:
A- do you also have relationships with other people?
B- are your children his biological children
C- I thought that the basic of a good polyamourous relationship is the discussion beforehand of any new relationship (the new sex partner and the kind of sex practices/emotional ties etc) etc So it looks as if this did not happen and hence it is a case of cheating - and a bit worse: he is a cynical abuser who just takes his sexual pleasure where he finds it without care for the well-being of the other person.
D-Frankly it seems to.me that your relationship is the classical stereotype of relationship where the male does what he wants and is cynical regarding his non legal partners -and he seems to think that as long as he provides his legal partner with money for the kids/mother/her studies then he did his bit and is entitled to indulge in his sick sex games (in which case we can say that he is also abusing your willingness to accept his philandering) ...And please dont say that we are pushing you here to stay with him. We just try to help you see clearly in your situation: is it a polyamourous situation? Do you have equal power in sex-decision etc Are you just the wife eho accepts him to behave like the worse stereotype if male? Is he the father of your kids? These are important questions. If it is a polyamourous relationship then he is certainly a cheater as he did not share with you what he was up to...and frankly there is a cynicism and egotism in him that do not make him.palatable. It is not healthy to raise kids with him.especially if they have special needs as you suggested...

kidsneedfathers, let me answer your questions.

I used to also see other people, but it's been a few years since parenting & work has taken up most of my energy.

The children are our biological children, yes.

He has always been open about his activities with me regarding his other partners. Initially the videos were my idea years ago, but lately it's turned into his fetish, were as I don't really want to know anymore. That being said, I felt something was different when it came to his relationship to this girl, hence I decided to look at it anyway.

From what I could see, he'd changed in regards to what he's okay with doing compared to how he was before. I don't know what sparked it, but I really don't like it. I've spoken to him about it and he said that seeing her was a mistake as t brought out the worst in him, but I don't think I can accept that excuse. It still means that those demons were in him somewhere all along even if we didn't know it before.

He's also placing blame on the other woman for his behaviour rather than taking responsibility for it himself.

I find it interesting that the demands of childcare and work have left you too tired to seek other partners, but not your husband.

You aren’t in a polygamous relationship you are in an open one

An open one that I suspect has enabled your husband to compartmentalise between been a family man and his darker desires. This is now coming out even more

Firstly I agree, it’s not polyamorous, it’s open.

Secondly, his treatment of this woman is appalling no matter how he dresses it up.

Thirdly, I’m concerned about you OP. Do you want to be tied to a man who views vulnerable women as playthings? Do you want to have your feelings, wants and needs considered? Because you sound awfully trodden down by him, and that’s not fair.

I agree Christmas. The OP's relationship with her husband sounds very one sided. He gets to do what he wants with whom he wants, and the OP is left holding the reins with family duties.

Op has never answered the question of why she "wouldn't dare" to take a stand against this situation

That’s what concerned me AnyFucker, I suspect the girlfriend isn’t the only one under his control.

Indeed. Also very illuminating is that she is too exhausted by the wifework and is full of energy for cultivating other sexual relstionships. Abusing women takes quite a lot of effort I would have thought.

he is full of energy

It sounds like he’s not really part of the marriage or being a parent. In fact it sounds very much like his energy is expended on his wants and abuse and that OP is just cast to the side, unable to have any opinion.

Why I dare not leave him? Selfish reasons I suppose. He's the primary bread winner. It's easy for people on the outside to say that they'd do this or that, but considering that the quality of life for my child as well as my parents would be dramatically reduced if I cost him his job... sorry but my ethics don't allow me to sacrifice both of them for someone who I'm not close to. If I simply left him, I'd likely still not be able to keep my parents in their nursing him.

At least from within the relationship I've been able to confront him and demand he stop seeing that woman. Which is exactly what I've done. Yet I know that most people here enjoy judging me from their arm chair.

You asked what you should do. You're in a relationship with an abusive man. I can't imagine why you thought anyone would tell you that you should stay with him.

Well he sounds a catch.
Surely it would be better to be single than with a man like this ?

Can you not just demand a nirmal relationship from now on, or would he ignore you? If you were to move on and he never did it again I'd see your point. I actually think you'd be more fulfilled single and sleeping with a rich sugar daddy for financial gain/money than you would staying with this monster. It isnt a relationship, you are being used.

OP if the woman does this stuff with your husband while she is off her medication, then surely she lacks capacity to give true consent. From a legal perspective your husband is operating in a very dangerous grey area and from a moral perspective, I'd say at best he's taking advantage of a vulnerable young woman in complete knowledge of her vulnerability... at worst his actions amount to rape as no consent can be given by someone lacking the correct mental capacity.