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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

219 replies

JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 16:02

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

OP posts:
BubonicBudgie · 27/12/2018 21:48

It's not just the behaviour of the DH, it's condoning it.
No one gives a shit who you sleep with. They are concerned about his vile abusive behaviour, that you posted about.

gamerchick · 27/12/2018 21:52

But this isn't about Polyamory, this is about your husband being an abusive creep to another woman. People are wondering why you're so focused on your relationship preferences than what your husband is doing to a vulnerable girl. You're talking about watching the latest home movies like it's the most normal thing in the world.

Take those films, go to the police and turn the bastard in. The bulky rest of your post is irrelevant. It doesn't matter what kind of relationship you're in.

BubonicBudgie · 27/12/2018 21:54

Spot on gamerchick

JustHereForThePooStories · 27/12/2018 21:58

I pm'd one person who suggested in her post, that I was not for real. In my message I stated that I was genuine. What I wanted was a way to quote and respond to a specific person's post but since that does not seem to be available on this forum, I thought the next best option was to PM

No, you PMed me after I posted to say-
So you’re happy to be married to an abuser?

See attached.

It seems you have as much trouble keeping track of your posts as you do keeping track of your husband.

Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?
Original poster
JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 22:00

Gamerchick: The woman in question consented to being filmed. She even says it in the video. The rough sexual acts they're doing, they're not actually illegal. It's just BDSM type sex. The public stuff they're doing, she even writes on her "Fetlife" profile that this is her Fetish. The only thing that would come out of me reporting him would be that they both get in trouble for having sex outdoors. He'd lose his job and thus our private insurance which is required for paying for my child's special needs. I'd not be able to keep my parents in the nice nursing home they're in. We'd lose our home. I'd have to quit my part time courses I'm doing.

My husband chose a girl who was into this sort of thing. That's my issue. He didn't coerce her into it.

OP posts:
Dirtybadger · 27/12/2018 22:03

The sex people thing is a quote....apologies for taking the piss a bit but there have been multiple posts on poly relationships in the last 48 hours which was highly suspicious...
And is probably Why there has been a lot of hostility.

polyamory is fine by me Smile

And my serious response stands. I wish you luck leaving him. If you need any practical advice on doing so, I would recommend posting again as people usually have good practical advice.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 22:05

She may well be into the things you've described, but for some reason you're concerned about what your husband is doing. Can you say why that is?

JustHereForThePooStories · 27/12/2018 22:06

The only thing that would come out of me reporting him would be that they both get in trouble for having sex outdoors. He'd lose his job and thus our private insurance which is required for paying for my child's special needs. I'd not be able to keep my parents in the nice nursing home they're in. We'd lose our home. I'd have to quit my part time courses I'm doing

Do you don’t mind a vulnerable young woman being abused, as long as you won’t experience any discomfort?

Your attitude is sickening.

Dirtybadger · 27/12/2018 22:08

You said he is pressuring her.

Is he?

If she was previously into the exact things she is now, and you don't have reason to believe she is currently unwell (e.g. manic) then it becomes more a matter of taste than abuse. But that does depend on whether there is pressure or not as you said there was pressure but not coercion but I'm not clear which is a better representation.

If he is into some fetish stuff you're not then that alone is still a fine reason to end the relationship.

gamerchick · 27/12/2018 22:15

This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches

Is there consent in the above?

category12 · 27/12/2018 22:16

Either it's consensual or it's not. It sounds like you're now saying it's consensual. Hmm

Sex outdoors isn't going to get anyone fired or arrested, unless a complaint is made about a bystander at the time being alarmed or distressed. In the UK anyway.

If you're repulsed by him, knowing he's into this stuff, then first train to dumpsville.

Cassie85 · 27/12/2018 22:26

As someone who works for a rape crisis centre, I’d say what you are describing is abuse. I might be wrong, I’m not making a judgement, just based on what you’ve said.

This person is vulnerable because of mental health issues, how old is your husband? Is the younger age also a vulnerability?

I’d also be wondering how he has managed to keep these sexual orferences from you for so long. Is it because he knows how you’d react? In which case, how has he been fulfilling that part of his desires before now? Or is it because this particular women illicit some kind of response in him? Not that I’m in any way blaming her, instead I mean maybe he gets off on her vulnerability somehow? I don’t know the answer to these questions, I’m just thinking out loud.

It must be a confusing time for you. I think in your gut you know this is very wrong though. A further issue which isn’t as important but is still a concern is the fact that you are watching their porn videos. If the woman in the video hasn’t consented to you watching it, then you know that’s illegal too? Not having a go, just making you aware of the laws around some of this stuff.

Sowhatifisaycunt · 27/12/2018 22:33

He sounds gross and abusive.

SpiritedLondon · 27/12/2018 22:33

People are weirded out by the poly relationship. Since their own frame of reference is purely monogamous they’re suspicious of anything that falls outside of that. It’s conditioning. Likewise my friend can’t work out why a guy she’s interested in is dating a woman who is older, bigger and blacker than her. Lots of people have sex in public and I don’t believe no one else here has ever done that....it’s perhaps not something that we do as we get older but it’s not exactly unusual... neither is group sex, BDSM or filming sex. So people need to get off their high horse about all of those things which seems to be contaminating their view of the husband ( whether they want to admit it or not). What it comes down to is whether the girlfriend is capable of consenting to the sex she is having. You say she’s Bi- polar - is she on medication ? Is it controlled? What makes you think that he is taking advantage of her? It’s unfair to assume that the decision to engage in these acts is only as a result of her disorder purely because she has it although I accept the two may be related. You make reference to her having a sex addiction but I’ve missed any reference to that. What is that about? If you think her condition is not being controlled then you need to speak to him and say that he appears to be taking advantage of her. I think what happens from then will depend on his response and the answers to some of those questions.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/12/2018 22:35

People were responding to what the Op originally wrote, which was that she was concerned he was being abusive of a more vulnerable woman. The OP is fine with polyamory so it's reasonable to assume she's not weirded out by it, so people were responding to her concerns. The polyamory is not relevant to the Ops concerns.

BubonicBudgie · 27/12/2018 22:46

Spirited no one gives a fuck about the op being in a poly relationship.
The links are between bipolar, sexual abuse/consent
Which is what the OP posted about in the first place

LiquoricePickle · 27/12/2018 22:55

Are you completely sure that this is abuse not BDSM that is fulfilling to both of them?

BitOutOfPractice · 27/12/2018 23:15

You dare not?!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 27/12/2018 23:24

God it’s like the vegan joke - how do you know someone is poly? Don’t worry they’ll tell you.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 27/12/2018 23:27

Seems in a similar vein / similar writing style to an earlier thread about someone who was aggrieved about a work colleague belittling her about her sexually submissive relationship with her husband - that her boss and colleagues were well versed in.

SeldomWrong · 27/12/2018 23:30

Forget the poly bit. Then the question is "my husband is doing something I think is horribly unethical, what do I do?" Answer - talk to him about it, if he won't change decide whether it's a dealbreaker

WisdomOfCrowds · 27/12/2018 23:32

Overall, the impression I get from you lot tells me what I need to know. If I leave my husband I'll have to tell people why. People will blame me and my life will get a whole lot worse. If I was living in some place like Scandinavia were people are more understanding towards Polyamory, I could talk about this and seek support, but not here, no no. So I'm better off staying with him.

I've lived in "some place like Scandinavia" and I can promise you that everyone I met there would have been just as sickened by your husbands behaviour as the people commenting here. Being understanding towards polyamory and being angry about a man sexually abusing a mental unwell young woman and his wife letting it happen are not mutually exclusive. But yeh, you keep telling yourself that it's all fine and we're just a bunch of un enlightened meanies who are forcing you to stay with your disgusting husband. That'll show us Hmm

Closetbeanmuncher · 28/12/2018 00:01

I don't really understand why you would feel the need to spill detail to people around you of why you left you husband.....You grew apart. Simple.

What concerns me is the predatory and coercive behaviour this man displays to someone who is vulnerable.

This person is showing you exactly who he is, albeit by proxy.

Alarm bells ringing again

Needsomebottle · 28/12/2018 00:41

Not here to judge your lifestyle, it's up to you and to each their own..it's not for me, but putting myself in your position, I think I would approach the other person, I think you said you know them? Say you are speaking to them as a friend and are worried about them. See where that goes.

As for husband.... Try and think of it as any other moral dilemma - how he treats an old vulnerable lady, how he is towards your family in time of need, approach it that way with him. If it's a deal breaker then that is what it is. Plan for that, or tell him it is and if you can keep an eye on future activities do so and take it from there.

Hezz · 28/12/2018 00:43

Leave him and if you feel you need to tell anyone why, just say he had a girlfriend and was abusive.

Not a person out there who won't understand why you LTB with that reason.