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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband abusing much younger sex addict girlfriend. What to do?

219 replies

JRulez7lek · 27/12/2018 16:02

Yes I’m in a polyamorous relationship. No, that does not mean we are cheating on each other. Polyamory should not be mistaken for cheating or to be used as an excuse to have a harem. This video should help you understand what our relationship is about.

We were Polyamorous even before we got married and it always worked for us. We were happier that way for many years. There are many reasons why we chose polyamory over monogamy. Furthermore, my husband has always been the kindest, sweetest person I’ve ever known towards me AND my children. He’s never shown any signs of abusive behavior during the entire time we knew each other…

However, it has come to my attention that the dynamics he has between him and his new 24 year old girlfriend is not what I’d consider healthy. He doesn’t physically abuse her, but rather does things to degrade her and humiliate her. This includes but is not limited to, pressuring her to perform sexual acts on him in public places and take part in group sex situations while he watches. I happen to know that this woman is bi-polar and prone to doing extreme self destructive things. That said, I believe it is wrong to take advantage of someone else’s sickness/imbalance to satisfy one’s own sexual gratification. He’s basically playing out his porn fantasies with a broken extreme woman who seeks to be abused.

The only reason I know this is because I looked through his recent home made videos and saw what they’re getting up to. I personally know his girlfriend and thus am well aware of her psychological condition as well as her history with extreme self destructive behaviour.

In case some of you think I should report him to the police, keep in mind that everything they’re doing is technically consensual so he’s not breaking any laws (unless you consider public indecency, but that’d get her in trouble too). This is not an issue of broken laws. What upsets me is that he’s demonstrating a dark side of himself I really don’t like. At the same time, in the 11 year’s we’ve been together he’s never wronged me. I dare not end our relationship over this, but at the same time, I can’t really accept what he’d doing either.

What should I do?

PS; In I'm NOT jealous of the new girl. My friends think I am but that's not true at all!

OP posts:
WisdomOfCrowds · 27/12/2018 17:34

Sorry but are you out of your fucking mind? Pressuring/ coercing a mentally unwell person into sex is not "technically consensual". That is NON CONSENSUAL. I have a friend with bipolar disorder and if I found out this was happening to her you bet id be calling the police!

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 27/12/2018 17:37

JRulez7lek Can you have a chat with her, just to make sure shes on board and not been taken advantage of?

Something to consider is that she may enjoy the humiliation etc, i know a woman who has some kinks that I find very unusual, but they are what shes into!

Perhaps your DH sensed that you would not be up for this type of activity, therefore never mentioned it, but maybe its time for a talk with him too.

Its not really for anyone else to judge, as long as shes over 18 and consenting its her choice. I do understand your worries about her bi-polar thats the only reason I would suggest having a chat with her.
Some things to consider before you speak to her; Is she aware your dh takes videos, Does she know he discusses her and her MH issues with you and would she understand you are coming at this from a caring angle or is she likely to percieve it as jealousy?
I also think it would be wise to find out what support she has during episodes. Itbwould also be worth asking your partner how he supports her.
See what answers you get from both and go from there.

Janedoe5000 · 27/12/2018 17:40

Your partner is a degenerate. You are enabling him.

Sarahlou63 · 27/12/2018 17:41

Why aren't you talking to him about this? Maybe he's playing out her fantasies, especially if he's never demonstrated any dominant behaviour in your relationship. Surely in a poly relationship you should must talk about this.

planespotting · 27/12/2018 17:46

OP I have no experience of this kind of relationships and I take many here don't either.
You have much more insight on what it would be expected and something does not sit right with you. I think you should talk to him and ask him and if you don't like the situation take a further step

JustHereForThePooStories · 27/12/2018 17:46

Has anyone else who has replied to this thread received a PM from the OP?

TatianaLarina · 27/12/2018 17:48

Why don’t you ‘dare’ leave him?

NottonightJosepheen · 27/12/2018 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 27/12/2018 17:54

Actually the fact it’s “technically consensual” is irrelevant if there’s control or coercion involved, under new (much needed) domestic violence laws brought in this year.

If she’s being coerced to do these things, or is vulnerable then absolutely you can and in fact should contact the police.

The fact you seem afraid of him too is concerning, can you get some support to leave?

He’s awful, you and his girlfriend deserve better.

dontneedthedrama · 27/12/2018 17:57

Some of the threads today have made me lol but this one has made me want to shake my head and say wtf Shock
Seriously give your head a wobble .

TheCountessofFitzdotterel · 27/12/2018 17:59

She might well enjoy the humiliation but sex in public meant to humiliate means unconsenting passers by are being involved in the kink and that is totally not ok.

category12 · 27/12/2018 18:02

Are you sure she's not into the things he's doing with her? Is it some kind of BDSM dynamic?

If you're sure she's being abused by him, I don't understand how you can stay with him. He may not be doing it to you, but what's the difference between that and it being fine to steal from someone as long as it's not you, or rape someone as long as it's not you, or beat up someone as long as it's not you?

Closetbeanmuncher · 27/12/2018 18:12

I wouldn't want my DC around someone who was capable of this. End of.

He's predatory and not to be trusted....

Major alarm bells ringing for me I'm afraid.

sherrysfortea · 27/12/2018 18:22

Are you sure that she is being manipulated and isn't into this kind of thing too?

AnaViaSalamanca · 27/12/2018 18:47

In the nicest possible way, you need help.

Deadringer · 27/12/2018 18:53

He is a sicko, and knowing how disgusting he is I wouldn't spend another minute with him.

Travisandthemonkey · 27/12/2018 18:56

I thought the whole point of polyamory was that it was a safe caring and mutual choice.

Huskylover1 · 27/12/2018 18:59

Imagine having this Pig of a man share your bed. My hackles would be standing up. Gross!

Haffdonga · 27/12/2018 19:00

I didn't expect to be given so much abuse, nor to be called a liar

Actually I think you probably should have expected abuse because you are detailing the abuse of a vulnerable young adult while apparently remaining complicit through your own refusal to take any action.

And being called a liar? Well, your situation is highly unusual so will be out of the realms of experience of most readers.

BayandBlonde · 27/12/2018 19:25

There must be something in the water today Confused

onefootinthegrave · 27/12/2018 20:14

Your husband's a piece of shit to do that to anyone, let alone a vulnerable woman. How can you not see this? It is sexual abuse if he's pressurizing her into having sex in public and with other men.

Do your really need to be told what to do? Why the fuck would you want to stay with someone that's doing that to someone else? Unless he's brainwashed you to such an extent you don't think what he's doing warrants leaving him.

By keeping quiet you're condoning it. He's the abuser, but 'standing by your man' makes me sick to my stomach. I was raped by my ex, twice, abused for years. The amount of women in his life who knew what he had done but stood by him sickens me. You're doing the same if you don't leave him.

SparklyMagpie · 27/12/2018 20:28

Not having that somebody would knowingly let this happen

Calling bull shit

gamerchick · 27/12/2018 20:38

Has anyone else who has replied to this thread received a PM from the OP?

Report it.

OP the fact you've bumbled on about your relationship and what it is, complete with video before getting to the point is weird.

Like really weird. Why did you do that?

It's even more weird you look at videos of him at it with other woman. Seriously creepy.

What's with all the threads on this relationship dynamic of shagging who you want with your partner's blessing recently? Hmm

Travisandthemonkey · 27/12/2018 20:40

I didn’t
I feel really left out now

AnyFucker · 27/12/2018 20:42

I didn't either Sad

What was in the pm's?. I have to know.

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