Can’t Cope with My Husband Being Away!

[Harperhan]

I am sat here writing this in tears. My husband left yesterday to go to New Zealand on a business jolly for 2 weeks. I have subsequently got myself in such a state and can’t cope being separated from him. He knew I didn’t want him to go but still went ahead anyway. He got to Dubai at 5am this morning and phoned me. I begged and pleaded for him to just turn around before he got on the 16 hours flight. I am literally going crazy.

I have three options:

1. I get on a plane tomorrow and fly out to NZ and we say stuff the jolly and do our own thing.
2. He books to come back earlier like the end of the week.
3. He flies home straight away.

I am going out of my mind and can’t think straight. I suffer from depression and anxiety and this is the worst it has ever been.

In the nicest possible way OP, you need to pull yourself together and phone the GP on Monday for help with your mental health.

Do not ask your DH to fly home.

If you can contemplate a long haul flight to NZ solo your anxiety may not be as bad as you think.

If you don’t get help you could destroy your marriage.

And breathe. Have you got some RL support who can come and be with you?

Ok- think back.

Why did he arrange this?
Why didn’t you voice your reservations then?

Do you have a support system now, friends, family?

It’s really not on to be so dependant on someone else. What are you doing to rectify it?

Have a cup of tea and relax yourself.

It's just two weeks. It'll fly by. My counsellor recommenced getting a notebook and writing down something nice I did for myself that day, or a plan to do something nice the next day. At the end of the week I read it back. It'd be something to show you DH on his return too.

Agree, in the nicest possible way, this is a bit of an over-exaggeration to a fairly reasonable activity of your DH's.

Averagely normal reaction would be to miss him, or even be moderately annoyed that childcare / dog-walking all falls to you for 2 weeks.

Please seek some help.

*Recommended

Business ‘jolly’ or actual business trip?
If it is genuinely a jolly, presumably he has worked extremely hard to earn two weeks in NZ as a reward.
If it is a business trip, I doubt he can just cancel and come home.

I do understand you missing him - my DH has had to travel a lot, for months at a time for work, including the first 4 months after we got married. But, you know it isn’t fair or reasonable to expect him to ditch the trip and come back. Please seek help and counselling for your mental health.

Is there a particular reason that you need him by your side? Can you drive, cook, etc

On the face of it it seems a massive overreaction but maybe there is something that you can't do for the next two weeks in absence.

Apologies. You forgot option 4. Get a grip!

If he’s gone for business, surely he needs to go for work? Not ‘on a jolly’.

I mean this nicely, but you need to get some help so that you don’t feel like this. It’s not healthy, and it must feel stifling for him. What is it that is worrying you about it?

Right. YABU but you are, in the nicest way, quite unwell.

You are doing some real damage to your marriage.

Do you know what it is that’s causing you such anxiety?

Is it that you don’t trust him being away without you? Are you worried for his safety? Or just lonely without him?

I know it can be hard when you’re used to having someone around all the time but it isn’t healthy to be so dependent on one person that you literally can’t cope without them for a couple of weeks.

My DP travels a lot on business, sometimes for up to 3 weeks and I do struggle. We FaceTime every night and he keeps me updated with where he is and what he’s doing but I find it hard.

The only way to cope is to stay busy, try not to think about how many days it’s been/how many days are left, just take each day as it comes, find a good box set to keep you entertained in the evenings, and try to enjoy some of the things you don’t do when he’s home, eat food you like, or have pudding for dinner etc

I know it feels like a looooong time, but it will be over before you know it and you’ll be so pleased to see each other.

Are you in the uk op? Nz is a long way to go for a work outing. Could you book yourself a holiday to somewhere else eg spa hotel for Tlc and pamper. Have you thought about Cbt? 💐

Good Grief!!
Take a bloody chill pill and relax! I'd love a two week break from DH to have the house to myself and to watch TV in peace. You need some perspective ASAP as this kind of behaviour would seriously affect your marriage. Your DH is away on work business so it's not like he's just dumped you and took a holiday ffs. In the nicest possible way.... GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF!

Your depression and anxiety are causing you to feel the way you do. Are you receiving any support/treatment at the moment? Can you get an appointment with your doctor? Are there any family members or friends who can support you?

Please try not to panic about your reaction and make it worse. Remember that it is a symptom of your illness, and not your fault. The important thing is that you get some real-life support as soon as you can.

Do you work OP? Have friends/family? Hobbies? You need to get busy going about your life. You simply cannot fall apart every time your husband isn’t right beside you. You are a person in you’re own right. An adult. You had a life before him, you have a life that is independent of him. You are not dependant on him. If you have severe anxiety then you’re not dealing with it. You didn’t take responsibility for it and prepare yourself for his trip. That’s what you need to do now, arrange an urgent session with your counsellor and work this out. Him coming home, or you joining him does not cure anxiety. That would just be a sticking plaster on a gut wound.

None of your 1-3 are actually viable options. You are going to have to execute Option 4, you find a way to cope. Are you receiving MH treatment at the moment?

This answer might be neither here not there (if so forgive me) but how do you think us single parents, with no family nearby, cope for weeks and months on end alone?

You'll learn something about yourself over this fortnight. It should be an empowering time and I imagine you and your DH will be delighted to be reunited, not least of all because you sucked it up and let him have his two weeks away.

You need to work on the underlying anxiety. Getting your DH to fly home will not help with that.

My DH is going to Asia soon for a 10 day work trip. I will miss him, no doubt about that, but i have planned things to do during the time he is away. Have you got things to do? Have you got DC?

Today will be the worst you feel.

Tomorrow you will have coped for a whole day already. So you can cope, you just don’t like how it feels.

The day after you will have coped for two days.

It is fear of the unknown that makes us anxious. The resultant intense emotions and the stress is not nice, but we can live with it.

Don’t give in to it. Take time to sit with how you feel and to be okay with it, one hour at a time if needed.

This is an opportunity to get stronger, to feel more self-reliant, and to build resources within yourself.

I suffer from anxiety too.

When you are at the stage I am at with this I have gone past get a grip. I would love to just get a grip, but after 13 years of treatment it isn’t that easy. The trip is not business as such so he can come home if he chooses. I made it very clear to him that I would struggle mentally while he was away. I have been treated for my anxiety for the last 13 years and was stable enough to come off my meds in March, but I am back to square one. We live and work together all day everyday, so this makes it doubly hard as I am used to him always being there.

Bit harsh user148