Harperhan Can I suggest you hide this thread now? You can always come back and read again at another time. I hope you found it helpful at a moment of extreme anxiety.
None of us can know your back story, MH history or the history of your relationship with your DH. You have been through a very stressful experience. Some posters have a rather simplistic attitude to how easily extreme anxiety can be overcome.
The principle that one has to face up to anxiety-provoking events in order to combat anxiety is well accepted. BUT, the level of anxiety has to be manageable and some posters on the thread don't seem to understand that.
A fear of spiders can be overcome by gradual exposure to spiders - e.g. starting pictures, toys, small spiders at a distance etc etc. No-one would advocate dropping a tarantula on an arachnophobe's lap or shoving them into room filled with the 8 legged beasties and locking the door. The process is done with high levels of support, encouragement and reassurrance.
But when exposure therapy is undertaken, the patient is always told that ultimately they are in control and can back out at any time. It would seem that some posters are not willing to accept that in your case.
Nothing you have written suggests to me that you are controlling your DH nor have you suggested anywhere that you have avoided help. In fact the complete oppposite!
Relapses happen in mental illness just as in physical illnness.
Good luck 