Can’t Cope with My Husband Being Away!

[Harperhan]

I am sat here writing this in tears. My husband left yesterday to go to New Zealand on a business jolly for 2 weeks. I have subsequently got myself in such a state and can’t cope being separated from him. He knew I didn’t want him to go but still went ahead anyway. He got to Dubai at 5am this morning and phoned me. I begged and pleaded for him to just turn around before he got on the 16 hours flight. I am literally going crazy.

I have three options:

1. I get on a plane tomorrow and fly out to NZ and we say stuff the jolly and do our own thing.
2. He books to come back earlier like the end of the week.
3. He flies home straight away.

I am going out of my mind and can’t think straight. I suffer from depression and anxiety and this is the worst it has ever been.

@SilverLining10

Sorry I must have missed your comment ! 🤦‍♀️ but yes I find it very strange.

Molokai, you may mean well, but you are encouraging the OP to think that this extremely unhealthy dynamic is okay. It's not.

I imagine he’s coming home because as the OP says the children know something is ‘drastically wrong’ which must be pretty terrifying for them. I think it’s good that he is coming back for their sake and the OP’s and I hope OP can get over this episode and make strides in keeping it under control again.

Please don't PM me OP.

I do hope he is getting support as it does seem the support goes one way.

I hope your DC are also getting support as they will also need it as it must be quite upsetting.

**SillySallySingsSongs

Please don't PM me OP**

Why do you say that? Pretty sure OP wouldn't PM you. You certainly aren't very supportive or sympathetic.

@Chocolatebourbons they have PMd me.

I don't want anymore.

Being supportive doesn't mean agreeing with everything someone says.

HTH

But you must appreciate that every situation is different. You seem determined to use your own experience as the only bench mark.

Nope, never said anything of the sort. If anything you seem determined to invent my POV.

Good luck, it’s a shame DH is coming home. I hope you feel better soon.

SillySallySingsSongs

you okay lady

bibliomania

I have neither encouraged nor discouraged anything. I have just given an alternative view to some posters.

There is no evidence on this thread of an extremely unhealthy dynamic. For all we know the OP's DH regularly goes out, maybe spends nights away from home, is perfectly happy with his life and relationship .

All we know is that his decision to go to the other side of the world for 2 weeks was simply too much for the OP and she had a severe reaction which her DH did not anticipate.

The OP has described how she has worked on her anxiety to the point where she was off medication. So, there is no evidence that she has put her head in the sand, ignored her anxiety and relied on her DH to the point where it it is 'unhealthy'. That scenario has been created by posters on this thread.

I don't know what the reality of their relationship is - but neither do you.

There is nothing wrong with anything I have written, nor have I claimed that I know what is best for the OP - unlike you and other posters who appear to have the power of second sight in order to know information that hasn't been posted, and absolute certainty in your mental health advice.

So, I'm sure you mean well bibliomania, but please refrain from posting patronsing shit.

This situation IS controlling and it IS abusive whether theOP intends to be so or not

You will drive him away. Eventually he will have enough. Using your mental health to stop him doing things is a form of control.

What are you gunna do if he ever had to stay in hospital?! Demand to sleep next to his bed as you can’t cope being away from him?? This isn’t healthy and no way to live. He will only take so much.

My husband is concerned for the children and doesn't want them to have to witness me when I am struggling to function. I have got up. I have taken them to school and held my emotions in but they know that something is drastically wrong

All because your husband had gone away?? Do you not realise how bad the first part of that post is? That he has to cut his work trips short because his kids aren’t safe with their own mother, all because she cannot function due to him going away for a short while.

This isn’t fair on them either.

Honestly op.. you need to make some effort to help yourself. Your poor oh probably deserves ta break after supporting you for 13 years . He isn't your carer and deserves to avail of this amazing opportunity. Please don't spoil it for him by ringing him daily begging him to come home.

Amaried

He's concerned about the safety of the children, so he's flying home tomorrow, according to OP.

I missed the part about the kids. It is abusive. And those poor kids.

Terribly unfair to lay that amount of guilt on your poor husband. Even now he's worried about his children. Bloody hell, you can kiss goodbye to your marriage eventually if you don't sort yourself out OP. If this was the other way around, folk would be shouting your DH was being emotionally abusive.

Loving somebody who has or has had a MH crisis or indeed any health crisis does result in missed opportunities, including holidays and fulfilling experiences. That’s life. If you love them, then your priority is their health and your instinct is to be with them.

It will be frustrating and a struggle. Nobody who deals with this situation will ever say it’s not, nor will they ever say that support and love is boundless. We all have boundaries and know when to apply them.

It is pointless telling somebody to pull themselves together or get a grip if they are having a mental health crisis. It won’t help. Nor will accusations of control or abuse. If you don’t believe the OP or understand the illness, that’s ok. But some of this is just nasty towards people with MH issues in general.

LemonTT

Yes but there are limits.

How much to tolerate, when is that impact too much?

Ultimately we have to consider our own life, no matter how much we love someone.

I left my OH - he also was terminally ill and had 6 months to live.

My life was unbearable and I had to get out.

Hope you're ok OP. Do what's right for you & your family-horses for courses. He sounds like a lovely man your husband

@speakout

I hoped I addressed that point by saying love is not boundless and we should all have boundaries. They will invariably be personal. I have supported loved ones through illness and been supported. But like you I too have reached the limit. So I see both sides of this.

Sometimes people can’t help being dependent. We all make decisions as to whether we embrace that dependency. Or not. That is personal decision.

The issue I have here is the depiction of people with MH issues and the really awful advice and nasty comments. They don’t need to be made. They serve no purpose other than to make a sick person more sick and let nasty prejudice prevail. This would not have happened with a physically debilitating condition. I am appalled at the comments made to a mentally ill person. Even if you have major doubts about that why would you risk it not being the case. Just to voice an opinion to people you don’t know.

Yes it's the kids I'd worry about too

I’m sure the Op worries about her children too which is what all mums do. She will be feeling bad enough without adding guilt to her.

Yes I'm sure.