Can’t Cope with My Husband Being Away!

[Harperhan]

I am sat here writing this in tears. My husband left yesterday to go to New Zealand on a business jolly for 2 weeks. I have subsequently got myself in such a state and can’t cope being separated from him. He knew I didn’t want him to go but still went ahead anyway. He got to Dubai at 5am this morning and phoned me. I begged and pleaded for him to just turn around before he got on the 16 hours flight. I am literally going crazy.

I have three options:

1. I get on a plane tomorrow and fly out to NZ and we say stuff the jolly and do our own thing.
2. He books to come back earlier like the end of the week.
3. He flies home straight away.

I am going out of my mind and can’t think straight. I suffer from depression and anxiety and this is the worst it has ever been.

My DP is midway through a 2 week holiday. He loves to travel and he needed a break. I'm a home bird and am having a blast in the house alone - pootling, organizing, cooking for one, watching shite on TV. Take this opportunity to find what you really enjoy - try and make a hobby/coping mechanism from it.
I have had bipolar and anxiety all my life - I know it can be hard but it can be managed. I hope you can find some peace.

OP you really do need professional help now and for the future.

It must be a terrible burden on your husband to have you telling him that he should come straight back, guilt tripping him and being so dramatic. If I were him it would underline the need for the break from you and put me in doubt whether I could continue in a relationship like this. I know this sounds harsh but you need to recognise what impact you are having on him and the cost to his life of being with you.

If you love him then his happiness should matter to you - and somehow you need some help to be able to see that and measure out your own needs against his needs too.

It must be a terrible burden on your husband to have you telling him that he should come straight back, guilt tripping him and being so dramatic. If I were him it would underline the need for the break from you and put me in doubt whether I could continue in a relationship like this. I know this sounds harsh but you need to recognise what impact you are having on him and the cost to his life of being with you.

Bouledeneige

Wise words.

I feel sorry for the OP, but also for this man.

However much we love someone we cannot stay at all costs.

As someone who’s been on the other side of this, you really need to try and appreciate things from his POV. It’s bloody difficult living with someone else’s anxiety. As awful as it sounds, he probably does need a break from you. If you love him OP, you need to stop using him as an emotional crutch. He can’t make this better for you. Only you can.

He has needs too

You CAN do this OP and also enjoy a break yourself! Totally treat yourself to whatever tv/food/drink/company of friends/early nights you want. I would dance round my house with joy if I had 2weeks to myself. You can choose to react calmly and rationally to this. You will have a lovely reunion to look forward to. You CAN cope.

But what are you anxious about? What do you think will happen?

The whole dynamic sounds unhealthy. You should not be so dependent on your oh. It must be stifling for them. I bet he really needs this break.

No matter how bad your mh problems, it’s not ok to use someone else to control your anxiety.

You have two weeks. What do you enjoy doing? Make a list of things, and do some of them. Take one day at a time. See friends. Who else do you have in your support network?

If you ask your h to come home, he may well really resent you and it could seriously damage your relationship.

With respect, it sounds grossly unfair on your husband who must suffer the effects of your condition. I hope you get the help you need and can cope while he's away.

Please let your husband do things.

In the nicest way, you can't be the permanent centre of the universe.

Please get support for what sounds like nothing more than a relapse of an existing mental health condition. Don't drag your husband back from a multi continent trip because he has to be your mh nurse. Get an actual mh nurse/hcp to help you instead.

Your feelings are just feelings. They feel awful but they mean basically nothing in reality. Don't make the man come home because you are experiencing feelings. That would be placing WAY more importance and meaning onto them than they deserve.

If he comes back, I guarantee you you'll simply end up sicker than you were before.

Get support and help without him and let him have a life that extends past your mh issues.

I'm from NZ. Christchurch to be specific. This will not be helpful to you. My husband had to come over to the UK and the US for four weeks, after the quakes of 2010 and 2011. This was necessary for him, and his career progression, and for the good of the company. I had two primary school aged children. One had PTSD as a result of the quakes. I suffered from PTSD, depression and anxiety.

Sometimes it's not all about you. Reach deep down inside, (real, REAL deep), and find that blitz spirit. You know, the one that means you're on a skype call with your DH, there's a 4.9 mag aftershock, you make a joke about it, a game out of 'guess the magnitude', you model the coping behaviours to your kids, you 'fake it until you make it', and you get through it. One day at a time. Set yourself up a reward each day, for getting through each day. Give this gift of time and opportunity away to your husband. Make him proud and grateful about how strong you were. You can do this.

You sound totally suffocating. I understand that you have a condition but did it ever occur to you that maybe he also needed time away from you? You sound like you freak out whenever he's not available to you and that must be very hard to deal with no matter how much you love your partner.

OP you will be fine, one day at a time.

Do not underestimate how draining it is to be someone else’s emotional prop. I propped up my ex’s mental health for years and in the end it nearly broke me. Your husband probably needs a break. Do whatever you need to in order to cope without him - contact your mental health team, reach out to friends and family, work more or less.
Whatever you need to do. But do not ask him to come home again. It’s emotional blackmail and unfair.

I agree, you are being so so unfair OP, I cannot begin to imagine what pressures and stresses your Illness has placed on your DH. Please look to your Mental Health Team for support that is what they are for, and let your DH have this well deserved break.

Very unfair on him OP. You can and you will get through it, it's only two weeks not a year.

All the people telling the OP she’s being unfair etc etc . . . Do you really think anxiety takes account of that?

I really feel for your husband. He has lived cared and worked with you for 13 years but isn’t allowed a break or time to himself. He must feel overwhelmed and in need of space.

All the people telling the OP she’s being unfair etc etc . . . Do you really think anxiety takes account of that?

People aren't saying it because they think it will stop the OP being anxious. They're saying it because, anxious or not, she really does need to realise that it is not an option to go to him or make him come home.

I love it when my DP is away. I'm sorry you suffer from anxiety and depression. I myself have suffered in the past and been on medication. I think you're putting a huge amount of pressure and strain on your relationship. It's not right to be so totally dependent on another human being for your mental stability. It's not fair on him. I'm very sorry to have to say that when you're so low.

Op, years of therapy means nothing unless you are willing to do the hard work. You have to accept that you might be anxious and then find a way to deal with it. Harsh it may be, but this is all on you and your determination to reclaim your life and independence. Your husband is NOT your medicine or coping mechanism. No human can live up to that or handle it.

@Harperhan sorry but this isn't anxiety , this is just being silly

Option 4. You realise that your dh is entitled to a break and you deal with your shit yourself and leave him out of it.

I feel for you, and for your husband. I suffer with anxiety and I'm also the wife of a veteran.

What are you afraid of while he's not with you? Have you explored things from his point of view? Is there anything that he can say when he does arrive in NZ that will reassure you? There are so many questions, ifs and what abouts here. Maybe it's best just to take things day by day, focus on your work, talk on here etc over the next 2 weeks. You can get through it.

All the people telling the OP she’s being unfair etc etc . . . Do you really think anxiety takes account of that?

Anxiety and PTSD here. I’ve always recognised that projecting my issues as being the fault and responsibility of my DH isn’t fair on him and would likely get to the stage where my DH would feel suffocated and long before that would be suffering. He didn’t deserve that and my thinking when I wasn’t so anxious led me to that conclusion.

Without doubt the OP 's DH needs time away and must make sure his mental health is secure.

But I can't imagine any MH professional would advocate the OP going from spending 24 7 together with her DH, to him flying to the other side of the world.

That's not building resilience and breaking the dependency, it's traumatic. It should have been worked towards in stages and done with the support of MH professional and probably medication.

I really feel for you OP. Please access your professional help immediately.

For the sake of your marriage, do not ask Dh to come home. It's possibly in his best interests health wise to be away be 2 weeks, if your wellbeing depends on being with him 24/7. Seek help from professionals, get yourself through the next 2 weeks and make an effort to become less dependent upon him when he returns.