Can’t Cope with My Husband Being Away!

[Harperhan]

I am sat here writing this in tears. My husband left yesterday to go to New Zealand on a business jolly for 2 weeks. I have subsequently got myself in such a state and can’t cope being separated from him. He knew I didn’t want him to go but still went ahead anyway. He got to Dubai at 5am this morning and phoned me. I begged and pleaded for him to just turn around before he got on the 16 hours flight. I am literally going crazy.

I have three options:

1. I get on a plane tomorrow and fly out to NZ and we say stuff the jolly and do our own thing.
2. He books to come back earlier like the end of the week.
3. He flies home straight away.

I am going out of my mind and can’t think straight. I suffer from depression and anxiety and this is the worst it has ever been.

You need to do this for yourself, you are strong enough to do this.
You can make your husband proud by giving him time to rest and miss you.
Just think he will be returning cross the days off, find things you can do...

Could you try text him and tell him you love him and thank him for all his support and to enjoy his time? Then keep yourself busy at home.

My ex went to Afghanistan for 6 months when my DS was just over a year and I was off sick with severe PTSD. Get a bloody grip, its 2 weeks FFS!

You need support from your GP or mental health team.
What you are asking of your DH isn't reasonable or fair.
What can you do to support yourself through this?

OP you are being very selfish. I understand that anxiety is a deeply personal and internal thing that can lend itself to self-absorption (I have suffered too) but you cannot reasonably use it as an excuse to control and restrict your dh’s movements. He’s not your carer and hard as it is to believe, it’s not all about you.

Harperhan, this is for you .

You need to see your GP.

OP, in the nicest possible way, humans need a break . Your depression etc is not his responsibilty to fix or sort or make better. It is NOT up to him to mke you feel better. It is NOT up to him to cater to your depression/solve your depression. You have to accept responsibility for your own actions, not rely on a partner's for your own happiness.

OP you need to see your GP ASAP.

You are in danger of pushing your OH away altogether.

He probably needs a break from the situation.
While I have sympathy for your MH issues ( and I have suffered too), if you are pinning all this emotional responsibility on your OH then it is a difficult situation for him.

I have bitten the bullet and taken some Quetiapine! Hopefully that will help and by 10pm my husband will have reached New Zealand and we can talk.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way OP. Please ignore the awful people telling you to get a grip, they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Personally, if I was feeling the way that you are. Then my husband would fly back home and come and look after me, if things are really that bad. Then you can go to the GP together to get some help.

Do you have someone else who could come to help at all? A friend or family member?

Have you got a counsellor/psychologist that you see weekly? You really need urgent help. You are co-dependent and that’s not good. I mean this in the nicest way but we are all human. That means your DH won’t be around forever. So you really need to get this sorted. Being like this just because he’s gone away isn’t healthy or ok. It’s not just bad for you, it’s not fair on him either. Do you have any other family or friends? Have you got a dog? If not, maybe think about joining some clubs and getting yourself a life/interests away from your DH. If my DH popped his clogs tomorrow I’d naturally be devastated but I’d cope and carry on as I have other things in my life other than him. It’s not healthy to be this fixated on one person

I think you should leave your husband alone. Send a quick text and leave him be. Give the poor man some breathing room. I think he deserves it.

I think I do know what I’m talking about. I have suffered PTSD and been hospitalised over anxiety due to a traumatic bereavement. I have never used my mental health conditions to control another person.

It this continues, her husband may choose to leave permanently. Then what? The OP needs help, it’s not down to her husband to fix this.

Do not underestimate how draining it is to be someone else’s emotional prop. I propped up my ex’s mental health for years and in the end it nearly broke me. Your husband probably needs a break. Do whatever you need to in order to cope without him - contact your mental health team, reach out to friends and family, work more or less. Whatever you need to do. But do not ask him to come home again. It’s emotional blackmail and unfair.

Op your poor thing. You can't ask him to come back, after 13 years I think he deserves some time away from it all.

You're stronger than you think and you can get through this.

Can you talk to your GP/ out of hours support ASAP?

OP please don't ask him to come back, or go out there, you need to get through this and it's an excellent opportunity to break the dependency that you have on your DH, it must be absolutely exhausting for him.

The advice about taking it a day or even an hour at a time upthread is perfect. Then get yourself to the GP on Monday, this needs to stop which I'm sure you already know.

I want to say --- you can't help how you feel. It's better you offload to us or to someone neutral than to put pressure on your husband. He does need a break. He'll miss you and worry about you, when he comes home he'll be so pleased to see you, you'll be glad you didn't do anything rash.Take heart, two weeks really isn't very long though accept it seems long to you right now. Deep breaths.

“I get a strong sense of deep seated abandonment issues from your post OP and I wonder if there's a link here with your reaction to his going.“

Exactly what I was thinking. I’ve been there and it’s really not nice.

OP please go back to your GP, you need some therapy.

I take quetiapene too. It's been a life saver for me. But still speak to mental health services as you shouldn't self medicate without professional support.

Does your town have a "Safe Haven" you can access? They might be able to provide support to help you through this crisis.

You do need to get other "safe" people to support you. Your DH does need respite from you or his health is going to suffer, especially as you are together nearly all the time.
You need to ask for therapy to help you regain independence.

You don’t need to talk to your husband.

Go on something like the Big White Wall and get some support. And make a GP’s appt first thing on Monday morning.

You’re trying to use your DH to control your anxiety and apart from being deeply unhealthy it means you never have to face it properly. Without facing it you can’t overcome it.

I can't imagine how awful it must be to suffer from anxiety.

But also, I imagine living with someone with anxiety must be pretty difficult. I would guess your dh thought you could cope with this trip.

I hope you can cope and speaking to him on the phone helps you. He must need a break and you could use this time to get some support from a mental health team.

Also since he is away it would be hard for him to get a flight home. And in asking and him saying he can't., you lump guilt on him...
As said get help here and let him see your trying...

Is there something specific that you are afraid of?

If he came back and was justifiably pissed off with you, how would that make you feel about yourself and your relationship?