Can’t Cope with My Husband Being Away!

[Harperhan]

I am sat here writing this in tears. My husband left yesterday to go to New Zealand on a business jolly for 2 weeks. I have subsequently got myself in such a state and can’t cope being separated from him. He knew I didn’t want him to go but still went ahead anyway. He got to Dubai at 5am this morning and phoned me. I begged and pleaded for him to just turn around before he got on the 16 hours flight. I am literally going crazy.

I have three options:

1. I get on a plane tomorrow and fly out to NZ and we say stuff the jolly and do our own thing.
2. He books to come back earlier like the end of the week.
3. He flies home straight away.

I am going out of my mind and can’t think straight. I suffer from depression and anxiety and this is the worst it has ever been.

Ok , it's enabling her behaviour though.

Afternoon folks

Firstly thank you to those of you that have shown genuine concern and compassion over the last 24 hours. For the rest of you all I can say is I believe in Karma. To say to someone with MH issues "Get a Grip" is just pointless. Do you not think we would if we could. We don't chose to be the way we are and sometimes our reactions aren't what we expect. Today I can look back on yesterday and think 'why?', but yesterday in the middle of the crisis it was all very real.

After what can only be described as a massive MH crisis yesterday I feel somewhat better today. No where near 100% but I am functioning unlike yesterday! My husband phoned last night and this morning, we talked it all through. He was all on for getting on the next flight home, but I told him to wait and we will see how we go. There are various points in his trip that he can come home, so we are going to take it day by day. I have said that I am so sorry about it all and he quoted to me "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health." He says my health is far more important than a few farm visits and trips out, and that he won't enjoy it if he was worried about me.

I would like to set a few things straight. He is not like my carer in anyway. On a day to day basis I am fine and have been for years now. Him going away has triggered something huge.

To @Whisky2014 how dare you suggest that this is abusive. We live and work together because we are farmers. We have been together for 17 years in an amazingly happy marriage.

Taking it day by day sounds like an excellent idea. Well done for being strong enough to decline your husband's offer to come straight back.

I had a bit of a melt-down when my DH went to visit relatives in Australia, with our DS, who was then 10. DH had heart problems and I convinced myself he was going to die, and that DS would be stranded and alone.

I worked myself up into such a state that I had to go to hospital with chest pains, and couldn't even tell them my next of kin's name (DH) without bursting into tears.

Looking back on it, it was utterly ridiculous, but in the moment it is extremely distressing.

Just thought I should mention this to you, as once you're calmer you will be able to think more clearly, and even enjoy your time to yourself (as I did after about a week).

Sending and [strength vibes]

So glad you are feeling a bit better today. It sounds like you have a wonderful supportive husband.

Harperhan that's a great update. Well done!

Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

Wishing you the strength you need to continue.

Your husband sounds like a lovely caring man and he obviously understands your issues and wants you to be happy. I’m really glad he’s been able to support you and that you’re feeling in a better place. If you have another wobble do come back here before you book your flights! I know some people have been less than sympathetic but others of us totally get it.

RagingWhoreBag he is the loveliest person and I genuine believe I don't deserve him.

*genuinely

It might be that he needs a bit of space, which is normal and might do him good. Do you have anyone else to be around you? A family member or a close friend you can talk to?

Op, glad you're feeling better, and I think you recognise that your husband cannot be chained to you like this.

I would speak to your HCP again, explain your situation and this time, try hard to get through it for his sake, because it can't all be about you right?

It’s good you’re thinking of his needs

So glad you're feeling better Op. as you say, day by day, even hour by hour.

I'm glad to see your DH is staying in NZ.

I think you recognise that your husband cannot be chained to you like this.

it can't all be about you right?

Bluntness100 what uncalled for nastiness ( not bluntness)

The OP clarified that her DH is not "chained to her".

She and her DH are farmers so work and home are intrinsically linked.

This trip triggered a major reaction which the OP was not prepared for, is dealing with and can follow up with professionals.

You have no information on this thread that the OP makes it "all about her " .

No wonder people keep their mental health concerns to themselves.

Ah OP I’m genuinely glad that you are feeling better today. I hate when my husband is out for the night but oddly I am not so bad if he is away and I’m not expecting him back for a day or so; that’s the peculiarities of anxiety- no logic! Your husband sounds a true diamond you are indead fortunate to have him but he is fortunate to have you, you are not your anxiety, you are YOU who he loves. There will be things that you are stronger/ better at than him. My Dh has held my hand whilst I sobbed like a baby and refused to get on a plane- however I have come to his rescue many times when a spider has been in the bath!

Hold you head up high, drop your shoulders breathe. You’ve nearly done another day.

Thought I would let you know I have been to the doctors this morning, who has prescribed me some diazapem to get me through the next few days. The GP felt that I am having massive panic attacks which are being fed subconsciously. I was absolutely fine last night until I woke in the night in a right state for no reason.

My husband has made the decision to fly back and be home on Wednesday. I tried to persuade him otherwise but has said he is not enjoying his trip as he is worried about me. I said to him I wish I hadn't told him and he has said he would have been more angry with me for not telling him.

I'm glad your doctor has been supportive. Hopefully things will be easier with the meds to calm you, and now you know your husband is due back in a couple of days.

Try to take the positive that you have survived several days without your husband - albeit, it's been awful for you, but fundamentally you have struggled through them, which is a real achievement and something you can perhaps build on in the future.

That’s a shame for him

Although I’m glad you’re sounding better than when you first posted

I’m glad your gp was able to help you. 💐

I hope you continue trying to get yourself better OP

I feel for you OP. I've experienced anxiety myself and it's horrendous. I've also been in a relationship with someone who has anxiety. It was exhausting and over the years, I found it more and more difficult to cope. I'm glad your OH is coming home if that is what you both want. I hope this is the beginning of a happier, healthier time for you.

It's a shame he is coming back early, as it will reinforce your anxiety that you cannot manage without him.
Dodging the thing that makes you anxious increases its power to wind you up, whereas if you just rode the storm your anxiety would have reduced anyway and you would have learned that you could in fact manage.

You begged him not to go and he still went, yet was then willing to fly back the day after he arrived? How weird. I wonder what function all this has for him.

Is it a business trip or jolly? If it's s business trip then he has to go. That's that. Sorry I'm a bit harsh about this since my OH travels regularly on long haul, and quite like the freedom it gives me. Horses for courses I know.
I really advise against being hysterical. It's not a good look, and it sounds like the man has to go