Can’t Cope with My Husband Being Away!

[Harperhan]

I am sat here writing this in tears. My husband left yesterday to go to New Zealand on a business jolly for 2 weeks. I have subsequently got myself in such a state and can’t cope being separated from him. He knew I didn’t want him to go but still went ahead anyway. He got to Dubai at 5am this morning and phoned me. I begged and pleaded for him to just turn around before he got on the 16 hours flight. I am literally going crazy.

I have three options:

1. I get on a plane tomorrow and fly out to NZ and we say stuff the jolly and do our own thing.
2. He books to come back earlier like the end of the week.
3. He flies home straight away.

I am going out of my mind and can’t think straight. I suffer from depression and anxiety and this is the worst it has ever been.

Well done for taking the meds and I hope when you spoke to him you were able to say it will be ok.

OP I really sympathise. I had terrible separation anxiety when DH worked abroad every week for three years. Away 3, 4 sometimes 5 days a week, the longest stint was 2 weeks at a time.

Sounds like such a cliche, but try to keep busy and use the time to do the things to do the things you enjoy.

I have been doing this for thirty years.

Get a grip.

LoveManyTrustfew

Well if you've conquered crippling anxiety that devastated your life for years, congratulations.

Perhaps now you you could work on developing empathy and understanding because clearly you are devoid of both.

OP, I hope you are OK, you haven't been back to the thread for a while. I hope you're having a good sleep.

You’ve done a night Op be proud of yourself. Despite some unhelpful comments ( looking at you lovemany) you’ve been getting on. As a Pp said fake it until you make it. Phone the gp on Monday and try and start an activity that takes you out of the house that you can continue when dp is safely home and you’re basking in the pride of coping for two weeks. Is there a film you could watch today? Do you do any hobbies?

OP, how did you get on? Any update?

To the 'get a grip' brigade.... I hope, from the bottom of my heart that none of you ever have to experience a debilitating period of depression or anxiety. It is a daily struggle to just cope with the day to day, let alone a big change like your support network being taken away from you. Anxiety does not allow you to think clearly, operate with rational thoughts. It completely grips your thought process and you are unfortunately at the mercy of this - so yes, while this sounds irrational but believe me.... It feels very real when you get that tightness in your chest, the sense of panic and inability to think straight is one of the worst feelings on earth.

You should never judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. Where is your compassion?

Op - I spent most of my 20s & early 30s with depression and more recently been treated for anxiety/ptsd following an incident last year where I almost lost my son. At that time, my relationship ended, everything in my life changed and quite frankly I don't know how I got through it.... But I did, I made it through and so can you.

Do you have a network of friends and family who you can speak to? It would definitely be good for you to open up to someone close to you to help you through the next couple of weeks..... Please also get some mental health support from your GP too x

The best advice anyone gave me was to just take everything hour by hour, day by day and keep reminding yourself of how well you are doing..... Reach out to friends and family, you may be surprised what happens when you open up.

You've got this X

@VixenSixen I am not entirely part of the 'get a grip' brigade but I do also think that often when people are suffering from severe anxiety and depression sufferers, the illness can make them they incredibly self absorbed. I have sympathy for op but also a lot for OPs DH. Like another pp, caring for my DH through depression nearly broke me and nearly broke our marriage. As a carer, your whole identity can get erased as the only feelings and needs that matter are the overwhelming feelings of the ill person. It's not like that for everyone with mh issues, but it is for plenty, and OP seems to be similar.
It doesn't mean that she or my dh are not wonderful and empathetic people when well, but the illness can be overwhelming for everyone, and op needs to give her DH a break.

Op, I hope you have managed through the night and that you are able to get plenty of support through the next fortnight.

Lean on professional help and support, lean on your friends and family. Tell him you're struggling but that this is your plan, and keep telling yourself you can do this. This won't kill you. It will be hard but you'll come out the other side and you'll be SO proud of yourself for doing it. As will he. And he'll come back rejuvenated and better able to continue supporting you. Worst case scenario if you demand he comes back it could break you both and then you could face more than two weeks alone. You can do this!

It is possible that by "surviving" the 2 weeks her DH is away the OP will feel empowered and it will be a pivotal moment her recovery. I truly hope so.

But without the right support in place it is also possible that it could be an experience just too overwhelming and could cause a major relapse.

None of us on here can know.

And not one person has not been 100% sympathetic to the Dh's position, so all the people saying get a grip for your Dh's sake are missing that.

Anyone caring for their spouse with a physical disability needs a break too.. But no one would advocate them doing so without careful planning and the right support in place for the disabled partner.

I'm simply saying that the same preparation and consideration for the OP should have have made.

It feels to me as if some posters don't understand how significant a disability MH difficulties can be. Even when clinically diagnosed and treated, no 2 people have the same experience.

It feels to me as if some posters don't understand how significant a disability MH difficulties can be.

Or perhaps they’ve had personal experience and know how to deal with it.

I’ve had PTSD and being overly dependent on a partner does not help.

TatianaLarina where have I said anything about being dependent on a partner being a good thing? That's right - nowhere. I specifically said it is NOT good.

I have said that breaking that dependence needs to planned and managed carefully.

Some posters have quite definitely given a "get a grip" type response. Others like you with their own MH difficulties have given their advice.

But your experience is unique to you. It may give some in sight but it does not mean you have all the answers for another person's unique mental health problems .

I am simply pointing out that one size does not fit all when it comes to resolving dependency.

The wrong approach can have devastating effects.

All I'm saying is that people need to be aware of that. Including those with MH difficulties themselves.

Nowhere did I suggest that you said being dependent on a partner was a good thing.

I don’t have MH now that’s the point, I had PTSD and got over it.

^ MH difficulties

He’s your husband not your therapist . You need to seek more help yourself not put all the pressure on him to make you better.

And I have had treatment for anxiety for years and years . But it’s my problem not anyone elses

He’s your husband not your therapist . You need to seek more help yourself not put all the pressure on him to make you better.

And I have had treatment for anxiety for years and years . But it’s my problem not anyone elses

balanced and fair comments, can't argue with that

I don’t have MH now that’s the point, I had PTSD and got over it.

I am genuinely pleased for you TatianaLarina

But you must appreciate that every situation is different. You seem determined to use your own experience as the only bench mark.

We are in agreement in principle. But I find your attitude frustrating and lacking in understanding.

Not everyone "gets over" their mental illness. And that's not necessarily because they didn't push themselves hard enough.

Each person's road to recovery is unique and it is clear from the OP that she has been actively engaged in that process. This particular challenge may a real boost in that process and as I've said before, I hope that is the case.

But being thrown in at the deep end in this way (i.e. dh going away for 2 weeks to the other side of the world) could have a negative effect instead of a positive one.

It is a possibility that's all I'm saying.

How are you doing OP. Please post an update if you feel able.

This is not mental health issues. This is controlling and abusive issues. I'm sure the fact op lives and works with her husband is because she's constructed and manipulated it to be that way.

I do wonder about the choices of DH in this, either he had every faith in you being able to manage OP so thought he would be fine to go away for a long time to the other side of the world or maybe he really needs a break so has picked this time and location. Either way it seems a very definite statement of some kind to be making.
You are going to be able to work out the thinking behind this as you know your DH and your current situation.
It is a long time and long way even without your anxiety.

Whisky2014 I have reported your post.

OK has stated clearly her mental health problems and that she feel a she is not coping.

You are entitled to your opinion but to post it on this thread to a potentially very vulnerable individual is not ok.

I took have reported Whisky2014 I do not feel that a comment as goady as that is warranted when OP is clearly experiencing MH issues. Most other posters even if they haven’t agreed have had a more balanced and tactful approach.

*too not took.