Can’t Cope with My Husband Being Away!

[Harperhan]

I am sat here writing this in tears. My husband left yesterday to go to New Zealand on a business jolly for 2 weeks. I have subsequently got myself in such a state and can’t cope being separated from him. He knew I didn’t want him to go but still went ahead anyway. He got to Dubai at 5am this morning and phoned me. I begged and pleaded for him to just turn around before he got on the 16 hours flight. I am literally going crazy.

I have three options:

1. I get on a plane tomorrow and fly out to NZ and we say stuff the jolly and do our own thing.
2. He books to come back earlier like the end of the week.
3. He flies home straight away.

I am going out of my mind and can’t think straight. I suffer from depression and anxiety and this is the worst it has ever been.

Bit harsh user148...

x post howismoving!

I hope you can find some support from your gp or family here.

If you are this unwell, perhaps it will also help for your DH to get some time clear. Depression and anxiety is also hard for the carer, hopefully when he's home you will both feel better.

Good luck and do get help.

Ok back to GP, talk about meds, more counselling/therapy. You’ve been doing it for 13 years, you know the score, you know what you need to do.

What did you do before you knew him ? surely you survived without a prop ?
If you order him home it will break your marriage.

Op your depression and anxiety can not control everyone's lives, all the time. It's not ok.

The last 13 years will not be wiped out by this relapse - you've found effective treatment in that time and you have the knowledge that it is possible for you to be stabilised. It sounds as though you may need the support of your medication to get you through this, but it doesn't mean you'll need to be back on it for another 13 years .

I understand your feeling at crisis point. I suffer from anxiety and depression too. I get it. And it's awful for you. But please remember. It can also be incredibly hard for those around us caring for you. If you're not on any medication right now that shows you have made improvements and are more resilient. But having relapses doesn't start you back at the beginning. It's just realising things are tough right now. And they will be ok again.

You say you're with your Husband working and living together. So 24/7? It may be that he needs this time to recharge. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you. But it's not fair to ask him to come back. What he needs is important too.

You can and you will get through this. And you will feel stronger for it. Contact your friends and GP for support. You can do this.

An yes user Too many people do having anxiety and depression. It's a symptom of highly pressured modern life, traumatic experiences and an under resourced mental health services. And shitty attitudes to people who are struggling.

None of options 1-4 are viable.

It sounds like he needs a break from having to be a constant support and you need to work with professionals to be able to cope without him. What if he divorces you? Nothing is forever.

I have been treated for my anxiety for the last 13 years and was stable enough to come off my meds in March, but I am back to square one. We live and work together all day everyday, so this makes it doubly hard as I am used to him always being there.

Yes that will make it doubly hard to be without him. He’s a massive part of your life, it must be like losing a limb

Did he discuss it with you before agreeing to go away? Is he generally supportive of you and your mental health?

Take it a day at a time as a pp said. Do you have someone in rl you could go away with for a few days? It may be easier than being at home and noticing you dh is away. I’d def go back and chat to your go. In some areas you can self refer to MIND who have a whole host of groups that maybe of use even if you’ve tried some options before.

We live and work together all day everyday, so this makes it doubly hard as I am used to him always being there.

In all your time at therapy, has no one ever suggested that this is extremely unhealthy for anyone?

Your mental health problems cannot be used to control your DH. I say that as someone who has suffered with depression and anxiety for a long time.

Your husband does not need to do anything, you do. You need to seek further help and find a way to cope.

Trust me, if you continue like this you will destroy your marriage. It is not your husbands responsibility to make you feel better.

Yes, I think the being together 24/7 needs to change when he comes home. It's not helpful, and judging by his desire to take this trip it's hard for him.

You may feel imprisoned by your anxiety, but you cannot respond to that by imprisoning your DH too. He cannot carry the responsibility for your well-being and safety. Only you can do that. He may have been willing to take it on in the past, thinking he was helping you. But nobody can do that forever. Depending on him to always be there has reached its sell by date.

Your dependency on your DH must be exhausting for him and take a tool on his own mental health, could this be part of the reason he went?
I am worried that you do not realise how important this is to him and what the consequences of an ultimatum might be.

Your anxiety isn’t likely to lesson much if he came back - that’s not really how anxiety works. And if his return really would make that much difference then you’re using him as a crutch and tool to manage your anxiety and that’s totally unhealthy.

What kind of therapy have you done?

Wow all I can think of is suffocation. You can do this OP take one hour at a time, enjoy the time on your own. I'd be jumping at the chance of two weeks on my own lol.

My husband went to the Middle East without me for 10 weeks when he got his new job. I was stuck at home with 2 kids under 3, no car and 30 minutes away from my mum. I suffer from terrible anxiety and depression but I managed. It's hard and I'm not undermining you but you can do it.

I get a strong sense of deep seated abandonment issues from your post OP and I wonder if there's a link here with your reaction to his going.

OP you need to get this sorted. If you live and work with your DH you need some form of separation. He has gone for 2 weeks and you are in pieces. What would happen if you guys split or god forbid something happened to him. It's healthy to be this dependant.

You are allowing your anxiety to try and control your husband's life, and that simply isn't fair. Your marriage will be at serious risk of you keep this up. Your husband must feel absolutely suffocated. It is your responsibility to figure out how to control your anxiety, not his. Use these two weeks as a test to prove you WILL survive with him away. Forcing him back home will only exacerbate your issues.

Do you think it's fair to ask him to come home?
If you don't, then can we help you work out a plan to get you through the 2 weeks? You'd feel so proud of yourself if you could do that.
Firstly, what are you doing this evening? Have you got a nice meal planned? While it's cooking, could you book a docs appointment for next week (if your surgery has an online booking system).

You've had treatment for 13 years, that's good, but it obviously did not hit the spot.
The best treatment for anxiety is to face up to your fear, which is what you are doing now. Well done. You would never have chosen to go through this, but you are going through it, so just focus on minute by minute.
Behave AS IF you can cope, and AS IF he is just in another room, which, in effect, he is. Thankfully, he has not gone somewhere he cannot return from, and the plan is that he will return. And you can choose to take the opportunity to be stronger and better when he does return. Or you can choose to give in to those feelings that you created in your head and allow this to overwhelm you.
You CAN choose how to react, YOU are in control of your behaviour. Choose wisely, OP.
I hope your DP has a lovely time.

I am sorry for what you are going through but it is not your husband's responsibility to watch over you. He most likely needs time away from his responsibilities at home. Can you understand this? He will crack under the pressure if you don't let him breathe.