Am I self-sabotaging perfect relationship? (Sex-related)

[ConkerGame]

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future. We have decided to move in together (he is really excited about this and until last Sunday so was I) and have planned to take the first practical steps towards that this weekend. We would end up making the move in early Feb.

I’m thinking of asking him tonight if we should postpone moving in together until we’ve resolved the one issue we have that keeps coming up and makes me unhappy for the other 5% of the time we spend together (it came up again on Sunday so has given me doubts). I know he would be devastated and really worried if I did this so I wanted to check with some impartial people first whether or not I’m needlessly sabotaging something good?

The issue is our sex life - we have quite different needs/wants and place different importance on it. For me, sex is hugely important in a relationship as it’s the one thing you only ever do with one another. It makes me feel attractive, sexy, loved and affirms our relationship for me. I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning we spend together unless there’s some actual reason not to - e.g. one of us is ill/I’m on my period/one of us has just received some terrible news etc. I also like to try out different things and experiment a bit (nothing too wild!) and would love to share fantasies /talk dirty etc. Previous boyfriends have always wanted sex as much as me or more than me and have been more adventurous too.

My current DP on the other hand is very vanilla and doesn’t seem to need/want it as much as I do. He only ever wants to have sex in the evening, in bed, in one of our “usual” positions and only two or three times a week. He is just as happy to sit next to each other reading, which to me would be how I would expect our life to be in our 40s when we have kids, not in our early 30s with no kids, when we’re still in the honeymoon phase.

I really love him and have accepted that he’ll never be as sexual as I would ideally want him to be. He has explained that in the morning he starts to feel stressed about work so isn't in the mood, so I no longer hope for sex in the morning (I used to regularly be hopeful and then feel upset and rejected when it didn’t happen). He has also said that he likes to know I will enjoy it so prefers to stick to tried and tested moves - so I have accepted that if I want to try something new it’s up to me to tell him and initiate it. The one thing I can’t cope with though is when he’s not up for it in our usual positions in the evening. This is apparently his “safe zone” so the only explanation as far as I’m concerned is that he’s just not that attracted to me. It gets me down hugely when this happens and massively affects my self esteem. I spend the whole night crying and the whole of the next day feeling in despair and unattractive. He has assured me he does find me very attractive and also says nice things about my appearance sometimes out of the bedroom (e.g. if I’ve made an effort for a party or something) so when we’re not in one of these periods I can logically see that he probably does, but when I’ve just been “rejected” in the bedroom, it makes me feel awful. Just to be clear he doesn’t say no to me as such as I don’t push. He just says “night!”, kisses me, switches off the light and turns over. I don’t know whether I should maybe be more assertive about it and ask him if we could have sex before going to sleep? That sounds desperate to me though! He never has to ask me - we just start kissing and then go for it.

So does anyone have any ideas about how to solve the sex issue (which comes up every 4-5 weeks) and/or have any thoughts on whether I should suggest delaying moving in together until it’s sorted?

I’d be devastated to ruin something that’s otherwise so good but also can’t live with feeling this low for a couple of days every month and worry the issue would get worse when living together as there would be even more opportunities for him to turn me down (we currently spend around 5 nights a week together).

Wow, that was very long - sorry!

I dunno, I know you don't want to hear this but maybe you are just mismatched sexually. To be honest I don't think DH and I would still be together if we didn't work sexually - it has got us through a lot of shitey times.

It's not fair to pester someone for sex if they don't want it. If you can't live with it you're going to have to talk about it with him and if he's not willing to go on a sexual adventure with you (so to speak) you might have to end it. Sorry

You clearly have mismatched sex drives- but he is having regular sex with you. And even if you found someone who wants the same amount you do there may still be times when he isn't in the mood. I have to say spending the whole night crying and feeling despair because he isn't up for sex on a particular night sounds very dramatic. And if the sexes were reversed here it would be viewed as manipulative.

OP, you have to accept that if he doesn't want sex (even in your usual position and for no particular reason etc) then he has the right to say no and you must respect this and stop taking it so personally. It's not that he doesn't find you attractive- it's just that he doesn't want sex. Can you think of an activity that you enjoy but wouldn't want to do every day (going swimming or something)?

If you can't accept that, it would be better for both of you to end the relationship.

TwistedStitch I hear what you’re saying about being dramatic and when we’re in a good place I look back and think “what was I so worried about?” but in the moment I just feel so rejected and unattractive and also start panicking it will just get worse and worse in future as we get less excited by one another.

I don’t think it’s manipulative as he doesn’t know - I’m crying silently into my pillow.

You need to work on your self esteem. And perhaps get validation from other stuff, not just sex.

Sex is a vital and important part of any relationship.

The person you're going to have children with is someone you should be happy to have sex with for the next 20 years or more.

If you can't find a way to make sure you're both happy with your sex life, it's far better to end it right now than wait around any longer, especially since you're on a clock for children.

No matter how awkward or ridiculous you feel, you need to have a serious, in-depth conversation about what exactly it is that you want from your sex life, and what it is exactly that he wants from his sex life. If the two lists are wildly different then you need to get out sharpish, because that isn't something that's going to magically solve itself over time.

That said, make sure you look at all of the options before you do anything drastic. Would you both be okay with you masturbating next to each other, or you masturbating next to him? I get that someone who's working might not be up for sex twice a day, every day, every week, but I don't see a problem with one partner pleasuring themselves while snuggled up next to the other, maybe with a bit of kissing or holding before/during/after or one partner helping to finish the other off when climaxing. However that only solves the quantity of orgasms problem, not the problems based around the same old thing every time/lack of experimentation.

Would he feel okay with you having meaningless sex with someone else, on the proviso that you are emotionally faithful to him? That's a minefield in and of itself, but another possible (if not probable) solution.

I think you are insecure and perhaps need lots of sex to affirm.that you are desirable and attractive, he certainly the dramatic feelings of rejection when you don't get to have sex. Perhaps seek counselling to address this?

The issue isn't the sex drive mismatch primarily - it's that you can't talk to him and are crying into your pillow. If you can't talk then you will never be able to resolve your problems on this or anything else.
It's no good saying you are good 95% of the time. The test of a relationship is not how well you get on when things are running smoothly - it's how you deal with problems.
Talk to him - not at bed time when you are disappointed but at a neutral time. Then you can see how you deal with problems as a couple and work out if there is a happy place for both of you sexually...

I mean you said you have sex 2-3 times a week, sounds like he has a pretty average sex drive but yours is much higher. Personally I wouldn't jeopardise a really good relationship over that but if it's a deal breaker to you then it's a deal breaker to you

There must be some scope for compromise here on both your parts, surely? I get that sex is very important to you, but are you really saying that if you don't have sex on any individual night when you and your partner are together, that makes you feel so bad you cry into your pillow? That does make me think that as a pp said, you need to look for other ways of self-validation besides sex. What happens in periods of time when you're not seeing anyone to have sex with?

For his part, maybe he could do more to make you feel desired even when he's not up for it, and also to experiment more - the 'I want to be sure you'll enjoy it' line seems a bit lame given that you've told him you like to try new things. Can both of you agree to push yourselves a little to understand where the other person is coming from?

I am not sure the issue is mismatched sex drives.

The issue appears to be that you attach so much of your self esteem to sex, that if it's not happening every time you see eachother it's causing you distress.

It sounds like your sex drive is high, not because you just have a naturally high sex drive but because your self esteem issues need the sex.

He is never going to be the person that has sex every morning and every night. If that's what you are looking for, then you should end it. Not postpone moving in.

I would only postpone it, if you were going to get some support in resolving the issues that mean no sex, sends you into depression.

Sethis I did actually start wondering if he would be ok with me having meaningless flings but a friend of ours was talking about poly relationships recently and he made it very clear he wouldn’t be happy with that.

As for masturbating, it’s not so much the orgasms I’m looking for - it’s more the feeling that he really wants me, which masturbating wouldn’t solve.

I think I do have some self esteem issues. It’s weird because when I’m single, not having sex doesn’t kill me. Neither does it kill me if I don’t see DP for a week because one of us is away. It only upsets me if we’re in bed together and he’s not up for it (unless there’s an obvious reason why)

You were considering meaningless flings when you have a loving partner with whom you are having regular sex? I think therapy would be a very good idea to address why your need for validation via sex is so great that you would consider that an option.

Sethis I did actually start wondering if he would be ok with me having meaningless flings

He has sex with you 2-3 times a week and you think that justifies you getting it elsewhere? bloody hell

it’s more the feeling that he really wants me, which masturbating wouldn’t solve.

But he has sex with you 2-3 times a week!!

@twistedstitch I was thinking more into the future when he’ll want it even less (presumably). I do have a tendency to catastrophize (?) so when he rejects me I think, ok so he’s not up for it a couple of times a week now, a year down the line he’ll only want it once a fortnight, if we get married he’ll probably only want it once a month, if we have kids he’ll probably only want it once a year etc.

The problem is not the sex per se, but your absence of self-esteem and your insistence on grading that based on the amount and type of sexual contact he wants. That is a massive pressure for a bloke!! He can't be the one to carry the burden of solving your self-esteem issues. In the context of a loving relationship, with plenty of sex (2 or 3 x a week can hardly be called rejection!) you have it good there!

Everybody's sex drive has peaks and troughs though. I wouldn't be so sure that you will be wanting twice daily sex or have the energy or inclination to seek out flings once you have kids either!

NB - he does not "reject" you! That is your interpretation of something that is entirely normal.

I actually think if you are already thinking about future plans to cheat on him if he isn't able to perform to your standards then it would be kindest to him to call it a day really.

Fuck that noise. Life's way too short for a shit boring sex life and I can assure you it will only go downhill from here. You are just not on the same page and it doesn't sound like you ever will be.

I'd sum it up as
You being sex positive and keen on variety
Him being sex negative and unwilling to waver from an established boring routine.

Never mind the frequency, the fact he'd shrink back in horror if you suggested something mildly kinky is going to erode your soul over time.

Well, there is an argument that your sex drives are likely to become more in line as you have kids etc. But as someone upthread said, if you can't talk frankly about this with each other then I'm not sure it's worth pursuing the relationship. I'm not really one for saying 'if the sexes were reversed blah blah' but I think often it is the other way round, and often the root reason is the same: people seeking validation and self esteem from sex. If you can't manage this I don't think the relationship can work long term.

Thank you, I really appreciate the replies.

With regard to talking to him about it, that’s basically what I was aiming to do this evening. We have spoken before but it’s basically been me saying “why don’t you want to have sex with me?” And him saying “I mostly do but sometimes I’m just not feeling it” and me trying to feel ok about that response.

I guess we need to have a more in depth discussion about what we would both have ideally and whether there could be an acceptable compromise?

I really really don’t want to end things with him. He is so great and makes me very happy apart from this one thing.