Am I self-sabotaging perfect relationship? (Sex-related)

[ConkerGame]

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future. We have decided to move in together (he is really excited about this and until last Sunday so was I) and have planned to take the first practical steps towards that this weekend. We would end up making the move in early Feb.

I’m thinking of asking him tonight if we should postpone moving in together until we’ve resolved the one issue we have that keeps coming up and makes me unhappy for the other 5% of the time we spend together (it came up again on Sunday so has given me doubts). I know he would be devastated and really worried if I did this so I wanted to check with some impartial people first whether or not I’m needlessly sabotaging something good?

The issue is our sex life - we have quite different needs/wants and place different importance on it. For me, sex is hugely important in a relationship as it’s the one thing you only ever do with one another. It makes me feel attractive, sexy, loved and affirms our relationship for me. I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning we spend together unless there’s some actual reason not to - e.g. one of us is ill/I’m on my period/one of us has just received some terrible news etc. I also like to try out different things and experiment a bit (nothing too wild!) and would love to share fantasies /talk dirty etc. Previous boyfriends have always wanted sex as much as me or more than me and have been more adventurous too.

My current DP on the other hand is very vanilla and doesn’t seem to need/want it as much as I do. He only ever wants to have sex in the evening, in bed, in one of our “usual” positions and only two or three times a week. He is just as happy to sit next to each other reading, which to me would be how I would expect our life to be in our 40s when we have kids, not in our early 30s with no kids, when we’re still in the honeymoon phase.

I really love him and have accepted that he’ll never be as sexual as I would ideally want him to be. He has explained that in the morning he starts to feel stressed about work so isn't in the mood, so I no longer hope for sex in the morning (I used to regularly be hopeful and then feel upset and rejected when it didn’t happen). He has also said that he likes to know I will enjoy it so prefers to stick to tried and tested moves - so I have accepted that if I want to try something new it’s up to me to tell him and initiate it. The one thing I can’t cope with though is when he’s not up for it in our usual positions in the evening. This is apparently his “safe zone” so the only explanation as far as I’m concerned is that he’s just not that attracted to me. It gets me down hugely when this happens and massively affects my self esteem. I spend the whole night crying and the whole of the next day feeling in despair and unattractive. He has assured me he does find me very attractive and also says nice things about my appearance sometimes out of the bedroom (e.g. if I’ve made an effort for a party or something) so when we’re not in one of these periods I can logically see that he probably does, but when I’ve just been “rejected” in the bedroom, it makes me feel awful. Just to be clear he doesn’t say no to me as such as I don’t push. He just says “night!”, kisses me, switches off the light and turns over. I don’t know whether I should maybe be more assertive about it and ask him if we could have sex before going to sleep? That sounds desperate to me though! He never has to ask me - we just start kissing and then go for it.

So does anyone have any ideas about how to solve the sex issue (which comes up every 4-5 weeks) and/or have any thoughts on whether I should suggest delaying moving in together until it’s sorted?

I’d be devastated to ruin something that’s otherwise so good but also can’t live with feeling this low for a couple of days every month and worry the issue would get worse when living together as there would be even more opportunities for him to turn me down (we currently spend around 5 nights a week together).

Not being funny but let's get real here.

How many orgasms are you having each time you have sex? Does he finish and then he decides it's over, even if you're not finished?

Does he last long enough for you?

Are you really saying you need sex twice a day or are you saying you just never feel satisfied because you can have 10+ orgasms at a time but you're only getting 1-2 or none.

I was in a relationship like this years ago. I called it 'high sex drive'. In my inexperience what I now know I had was zero orgasms, never feeling satisfied, therefore ALWAYS HORNY. Not the same thing as a high sex drive. Women's bodies just work differently.

What does 'sex twice a day' look like for you? Usually it means he has two orgasms and you get penis in vagina.

Be honest, what's really going on?

Sword has a good point...

OP, regardless of your self esteem issues, please don't think there is a "normal" amount of times to have sex per week depending on how long you've been together. Everyone is different, some people have high sex drives and others don't - both are absolutely fine. I really hope you get to the bottom of your problem because it sounds like aside from this you and your DP are happy. Best wishes x

Me and dp went through a 100 pack of condoms every 2 months. For the first 18 months. That is high drive at the start of a relationship.

What you describe - 2-3 times a week in the first year - I would never have even gone exclusive with a guy with that drive. I would have been miserable.

Quality of encounters does make a difference as well. How many times are you finishing vs. him. How much touch is involved. How much eye contact, how much talk, the type of talk, etc. It can all contribute to how satisfied you feel.

Based on your description of past relationships, I also agree that you have some painful beliefs that you might be projecting onto this relationship as well. But that doesn't mean that the libido mismatch can be magicked away.

The problem can have multiple origins - you can have mismatched drives AND personal baggage that needs sorting.

Don't focus on this relationship as the flashpoint OP. Get into individual counselling and start working out what's going on inside. You dont' need to dump him in order to do that. Start sorting yourself and your path forward with the relationship will begin to clear as well. Can I suggest you begin journalling your feelings - good and bad. When emotions start coming up, start writing them down until they start to settle. You'll get clarity sooner than you think.

What you describe - 2-3 times a week in the first year -

It's not per week. They don't spend every night together.

@Notacluewhatthisis yep I get that. Neither did we.

oiiiiiii but it's still not per week.

And to be fair, it doesn't really matter what you and your Dp did at first. If someone has sex less than 100 times in 2 months, it means nothing.

I agree with your general point. But comparing sex lives isn't really relevant.

I agree quality is one of the main issues. Not feeling fulfilled comes in many ways. If he is a functional lover but sex is leaving you unfulfilled it’s inevitable you could feel this way. I do understand how this feels as I think when I wasn’t actually fully connecting with someone during sex and having my buttons pushed (it was all perfectly functional) I was more likely to try to push the boundaries and increase the frequency - like scratching an itch. Fulfilling sex with a great connection outside of the bedroom - touching, cuddling, stroking and all of the real intimate actions can make you feel very differently

@Notacluewhatthisis Comparing sex lives IS relevant if the OP has said she thought herself a "sex crazed monster" based on other responses. Hence my comment.

I'm not sure what you mean by "it's still not per week"? If you have sex 3 times in a week, that's definitely 3 times per week. That's what "per" means. No?

Are you trying to say that when they move in together it might be more? Because that would be a dangerous assumption imo. It's more normal for sex to die down after the first year and even more once people move in together.

@ConkerGame, my intention is to help you to see you're allowed to be highly sexed, that it's not a problem to be solved, but rather a characteristic that you're allowed to select for in a partner.

I am well aware what per means. Are you usually so rude? If something is measured per week, then the whole week should be relevant. In this case it isn't.

Who said she should assume it would be more if they moved in? Why would anyone assume anything about moving in together.

No, your sex life isn't relevant. There will be people who have sex 200 times, in every 60 days. That doesn't mean you werent getting enough.

Frequency of sex isn't something you can compare. To many variables.

@Notacluewhatthisis I apologise for offending you. I honestly didn't understand your argument and still don't tbh.

I mentioned my own rampantness because the op was feeling bad about her own. Thats all really.

You did come across as patronising I’m sorry to say.

You havent offended me. You are being rude but that doesn't offend me.

Not sure what there's not to get. They have sex 3 out of 5 days. Not 3 out of 7. If something happens 3 days out of 5. It's more frequent that it happening 3 days out of 7.

Again, how rampant you are, I am or anything isn't relevant.

OP, if you're already dissatisfied with the sexual aspect of your relationship and - worse - your partner isn't willing to even attempt to address your dissatisfaction, I think it's a bad idea to move in together. Please don't cry into your pillow, you poor girl! Your happiness, self-esteem and sexual satisfaction are extremely important. Boring sex three times a week may be acceptable to some but if it's not enough for you (and it wouldn't be for me, especially the boring, unimaginative aspect!), don't accept it.

Had this exact probably with my husband initially - we are now 4 years together and I’d say for that first year I really struggled. It affected my self esteem, I took it personally , thought I wasn’t attractive .... but for some reason after about a year 18 months feeling this way I just got over it .
Our sex drives don’t match - and maybe mines actually lessened and come down to nearer his.
All my ex boyfriends had wanted me all the time ... whenever I saw them , yet they all went on to cheat because they were obsessed.
I’d rather have my husband who’s very “vanilla” as you call it - accept our sex life isn’t the greatest - and feel secure I guess .
He also has his own performance issues that I won’t go too deep into but I know that plays on his mind, I try to reassure (I actually really don’t care I’m happy to get sex when I do 😆)
But I know it’s a big deal to him and puts him off .... so I’ve just learnt to accept it .

But I have to say 3-4 times a week is still quite good - quite often ! We’re once weekers if I’m lucky ... and right now cos I’m 9 months pregnant well it’s absent which I am very bloody happy about 😆

Wow

The fact that you are so utterly utterly devastated when he doesn't want the tried and tested vanilla sex at the prescribed time

The fact that you are having to make the compromises

The fact that you are both so very mismatched

The fact that you have only been together a year

The fact that you don't have kids yet

The fact that he is already making excuses

The fact that he's calling all the shots

I would say that if you move in together I'd give it 18 months and then you'll realise that it's not what you want

Of course that's not what you want to hear and of course I might be wrong

The only way I can see a chink of light is if you both have sex therapy BEFORE you move in together - but I bet he says no

In my opinion (having experienced both types), a sex life in which both partners are equally gratified and involved is invaluable, because:

• it is bonding
• it is fun
• it is a way of communicating love and adoration and desire for each other (which some people may find difficult in words)
• it can help you get over arguments, or support each other through difficult times
• it helps you explore different sides of yourselves and each other, which can be a key to understanding each other better, to the furtherance of the relationship.

For that reason I would be wary of again committing long term where there is a huge mismatch. Having said that, it is very hard when in all other aspects you are compatible. (Weirdly, I find that hard to imagine - not saying it isn't true of course, just for me it has tended to reflect wider compatibility.....)

Sex is a vital and important part of any relationship

Yawn. Wrong. Lots of successful couples either don't place a high importance on sex or even do it at all.

A lot of people think that would be a friendship not a relationship

Nothing at all wrong with wanting a lot of sex OP and you shouldn't feel bad about that - it's the emotional effect it has on you when you don't get it for one day from your DP that I, and other posters, are concerned about. That is what you need to look at.

My OH sounds similar to yours in some ways. His drive is lower than mine and I had similar feelings to you, especially in the first year. He likes sex but if he has other things on his mind they often take over.

Have to say things have improved with time and getting to know each other. The best times for us are when we've been away with no stresses. We had a lovely long weekend in Lodge with lots of sex toys and a hot tub where we were at it like rabbits because he was totally relaxed. Like your DP, morning sex is no go on work days and he doesn't like it at if my teenager is home.

I will admit I thought about ending it early on but I love him to bits and he is a wonderful guy so I'm really glad we talked about it and stayed together. It's fantastic when we do have sex and he's more than willing to try different things which obviously makes a difference.

My only other ltr was with a sex addict who constantly manipulated and blackmailed me into sex, other than that I'd only had list fuelled short term relationships and flings so it was hard to realise he wasn't rejecting me and did still fancy me. I worked through it in my head and by taking to my OH.

Only you know whether you can learn to live with the situation but I can only say things have massively improved for us and I'm so glad I stayed as we have a fab relationship

Only on mn would a woman who was upset at only having sex three times a week be validated and told that the man is in the wrong. Fucking hell.

Can you imagine if the posts were reversed? If he’d wanted it morning and night every day and was crying into his pillow over the rejection because she only wanted it three times a week? He’d be crucified. but because it’s a woman it’s ok to feel like that? Well it isn’t.

Clearly the OP and her partner are not matched sexually but that’s not his fault or responsibility. If he can’t meet her needs then she should end it for his sake, not her’s,and seek some bloody help. And hope to Christ that nothing ever befalls her that means she doesn’t want sex on the hour every hour.

Crucified? Cmon. He'd be given the same advice - work on it or end it for the sake of both parties. Im in the end it camp, mismatched sexdrives regardless of quantities involved dont work for me. Simples.

I would give a man the same advice too if he was getting upset and wasn’t satisfied.

I wouldn’t expect anyone to have sex they don’t want to have, but also people shouldn’t feel they have to have sex with someone in only the way the other person wants to either and feel their needs are not being met. It will lead to resentment

Considering outside flings, when you have a man that does have sex with you 2-3 times weekly, and says nice things to you outside the bedroom too, treats you nicely?

It's not as if he is refusing sex with you.

If this were a man who posted in this way, people would rightly say that he is pestering his partner for sex and needs to see her as more than a sex object.

I get that you want different things sexually ,and that's perfectly ok. You should openly talk to him and seek a compromise - bearing in mind that nobody should be pressured into the kind of sex that they don't necessarily want.

But to even consider meaningless flings outside the relationship - Sex with your partner + your 'fling' = you want to spend a lot of time having sex. Not to mention, it's actively considering cheating on your partner.

I don't think your man is going to be able to keep up with your sex drive. In this respect it's better to end relationship now to give yourself time and opportunity to find somebody more sexually compatible with you.

It's the fairest thing to do.