Am I self-sabotaging perfect relationship? (Sex-related)

[ConkerGame]

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future. We have decided to move in together (he is really excited about this and until last Sunday so was I) and have planned to take the first practical steps towards that this weekend. We would end up making the move in early Feb.

I’m thinking of asking him tonight if we should postpone moving in together until we’ve resolved the one issue we have that keeps coming up and makes me unhappy for the other 5% of the time we spend together (it came up again on Sunday so has given me doubts). I know he would be devastated and really worried if I did this so I wanted to check with some impartial people first whether or not I’m needlessly sabotaging something good?

The issue is our sex life - we have quite different needs/wants and place different importance on it. For me, sex is hugely important in a relationship as it’s the one thing you only ever do with one another. It makes me feel attractive, sexy, loved and affirms our relationship for me. I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning we spend together unless there’s some actual reason not to - e.g. one of us is ill/I’m on my period/one of us has just received some terrible news etc. I also like to try out different things and experiment a bit (nothing too wild!) and would love to share fantasies /talk dirty etc. Previous boyfriends have always wanted sex as much as me or more than me and have been more adventurous too.

My current DP on the other hand is very vanilla and doesn’t seem to need/want it as much as I do. He only ever wants to have sex in the evening, in bed, in one of our “usual” positions and only two or three times a week. He is just as happy to sit next to each other reading, which to me would be how I would expect our life to be in our 40s when we have kids, not in our early 30s with no kids, when we’re still in the honeymoon phase.

I really love him and have accepted that he’ll never be as sexual as I would ideally want him to be. He has explained that in the morning he starts to feel stressed about work so isn't in the mood, so I no longer hope for sex in the morning (I used to regularly be hopeful and then feel upset and rejected when it didn’t happen). He has also said that he likes to know I will enjoy it so prefers to stick to tried and tested moves - so I have accepted that if I want to try something new it’s up to me to tell him and initiate it. The one thing I can’t cope with though is when he’s not up for it in our usual positions in the evening. This is apparently his “safe zone” so the only explanation as far as I’m concerned is that he’s just not that attracted to me. It gets me down hugely when this happens and massively affects my self esteem. I spend the whole night crying and the whole of the next day feeling in despair and unattractive. He has assured me he does find me very attractive and also says nice things about my appearance sometimes out of the bedroom (e.g. if I’ve made an effort for a party or something) so when we’re not in one of these periods I can logically see that he probably does, but when I’ve just been “rejected” in the bedroom, it makes me feel awful. Just to be clear he doesn’t say no to me as such as I don’t push. He just says “night!”, kisses me, switches off the light and turns over. I don’t know whether I should maybe be more assertive about it and ask him if we could have sex before going to sleep? That sounds desperate to me though! He never has to ask me - we just start kissing and then go for it.

So does anyone have any ideas about how to solve the sex issue (which comes up every 4-5 weeks) and/or have any thoughts on whether I should suggest delaying moving in together until it’s sorted?

I’d be devastated to ruin something that’s otherwise so good but also can’t live with feeling this low for a couple of days every month and worry the issue would get worse when living together as there would be even more opportunities for him to turn me down (we currently spend around 5 nights a week together).

@rachel @stego thank you so much, your posts have really struck a chord with me.

DP is always asking me to say nice things to him. Like if he does something for me, I just say “thanks” as that’s all I would expect in response if I did the nice thing for him, and then he’ll make a hurt face and say “is that all you’re going to say?” And when I press him on what he wanted me to say, it’s essentially a flowery, emotive thanks with detail about what I’m thankful for and how much it means to me, which I find way over the top! However I’ve got more used to it now and am happy to do it if it makes him happy!

So I’m pretty sure his “love language” is words of affirmation. And yes, mine is definitely physical touch. In the early days I got a bit sad that he didn’t put his arm around me and hold my hand in public, but that only took a word to sort and he’s now very physically affectionate (in a platonic way).

Maybe I’ll show him the languages to see if that makes it easier for us to have a discussion?

Ok OP I did wonder about your previous relationships but did not want to ask until you brought it up.

NO ONE should have sex when they dont want to. No one should be conditioned into having sex they dont want

I have to say though, whenever the guy wanted it and I wasn’t particularly feeling it I still went along with it (didn’t feel forced in any way) just because I think sex is a really important part of a relationship and I wouldn’t want to lose that connection just for the sake of feeling a bit tired. I guess I therefore expected DP to do the same in our relationship but he hasn’t. I wonder if it’s because men aren’t conditioned to please women in the same way women are conditioned to please men plus women are “meant” to have a lower sex drive than men so maybe that’s why it hasn’t occurred to him as a solution?

Did you always think sex was an important part or have previous relationships made you think that - it sounds as if previous partners have groomed you into thinking this and now its not that your sex drive is high per se it that you link everything to having sex

Sex is PART of a normal healthy relationship but isnt everything.

@loopy yes I do enjoy it, both the physical sensations and the connection I’m getting with him through it.

And yes it’s 2-3 times per week but nearly never passionate. It’s almost like he’s read somewhere that most couples have sex 2-3 times per week and therefore makes sure he does it that number of times but not through any great particular desire, more through habit or expectation.

I have to say though, whenever the guy wanted it and I wasn’t particularly feeling it I still went along with it (didn’t feel forced in any way) just because I think sex is a really important part of a relationship and I wouldn’t want to lose that connection just for the sake of feeling a bit tired. I guess I therefore expected DP to do the same in our relationship but he hasn’t. I wonder if it’s because men aren’t conditioned to please women in the same way women are conditioned to please men plus women are “meant” to have a lower sex drive than men so maybe that’s why it hasn’t occurred to him as a solution?

It’s only some women that think they have to lie back and think of England. Generally submissive doormats. It may be true that men aren’t conditioned to please women in the same way as vice versa, but essentially it hasn’t occurred to him a solution because it isn’t one.

It’s really odd that you would even term it a ‘solution’. Or that you would ever ‘expect’ someone to have sex they don’t want. Why would you even want that?

I think you’re putting way too much emphasis on sex in relationships.

@quartz but surely couples often do things they don’t particularly want to do because they know it will make the other person happy?

For example DP has a particular hobby and he follows the professionals with great interest. Whenever there’s an event on he wants me to watch it with him and talk about it afterwards. I have no interest in this particular hobby and would never watch the events through choice but I not only do it for him I also show enthusiasm for it as I know how happy it makes him. And actually, I’ve grown to like it more over time anyway, probably just through familiarity. I honestly think he would be hurt if I turned around one day and said I just wasn’t interested and didnt want to do it with him any more.

Why is sex any different? Particularly as he does like it!

If there was a way I could want it less then I would take that way but nobody seems to suggest anything for that

Yes they have.

As far as your are concerned he is the problem. It make me wonder if you do love him or just see him as some one safe a dependable. If you loved him you would be trying to compromise.

@notaclue where have they? The stuff about counselling I am very much taking on board. I think that would help with my extreme reaction but wouldn’t make me want it any less. I think it would just result in me lying next to him feeling frustrated.

And also, I have hugely compromised! I have fully accepted no more morning sex, no more twice a night sex, no more being thrown down on the bed/sofa passionate sex, no more adventurous stuff - that’s a lot to give up when you enjoy it!

God this poor man - no pressure here then!

You do not have to have sex twice a day for someone to love, desire and care for you.

I think you are a very lucky lady and should be counting your blessings. If you cannot do that, then you should seek counselling to address your self-esteem problems. Your attitude is not normal, and maybe you owe it to this poor man to let him go - and you can hop off and find yourself a rampant stud, who might just not be such a great human being as you have got.

Your choice.

This is not simply about sexual incompatibility - this is about you having an emotional problem that needs addressing.

You are mismatched sexually. If this is a problem for you now before you have even moved in together, and before you even had kids (which makes any minor snag a million times worse), you need to consider the situation carefully. If anything, his drive is going to go down, not up as time goes on. If this is affecting you badly now, it is going to be a lot, a lot worse when you have got a young family and a mortgage binding you together. Only you can decide what you will and won’t put up with, just don’t think for minute it’s gonna get better. Even the best and strongest of relationships get tested to the limit when children arrive. This is your best, problem-free time now.

Just dump him.

Counselling works best face to face and however embarrassing you might imagine it to be, they'll have heard similar stories before. I really think it would be worth pursuing not to 'fix' your relationship but to make sure you aren't reliant on someone else to maintain your self esteem in this way.

I said earlier that you both needed to compromise, and I can see that you feel you've compromised a lot. How do you think he'd feel about making more effort to be 'passionate' and surprise you / change things up sometimes, if you offered to discuss your issues with frequency in counselling? It really is about trying to meet in the middle if you have an otherwise good relationship. He has to give a bit too. Has it ever been passionate or is it that that's dropped off over time?

This seems like a 2 part problem and they are connected

The sex is quite boring. It makes you feel connected to him but isn’t really the kind of sex you would like

Therefore the rejection feels deeper because you are already unfulfilled and then feel unattractive.

If you haven’t even had this before in a relationship it’s a bit much to start saying OP has BPD!!

He’s quite restrictive in his tastes already so this is frustrating for you then add on what feels like a ‘rejection’ is compounding that feeling

I don’t think you need to talk to him about the frequency. It’s the quality. And it’s not just about orgasm. Never heard the quality over quantity saying?

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t try to give me a cheeky hand slide up the leg now and then, surprise me by rolling over and snogging me in the morning I.e fun and spontaneous. All his planned sex sounds as dull as dishwater

I think that would help with my extreme reaction but wouldn’t make me want it any less.

How do you know? If you can get to a point where your self esteem with in relationship doesn't hinge on having sex everytime you are together, I suspect you will want it less.

Sex isn't one persons hobby. It's something mutually enjoyable.

Do you go to events connected to his hobby, everyday you together? Twice? Once on a morning and once at night?

Do you go 2-3 times a week?

How would you feel if said, you don't have to go every morning, but must go every night? Would you feel he had done you massive favour and had a good compromise? Or would you still be pissed off that he expects his hobby to be part of every evening?

It doesn't sound like it's going to work to me, this will always be an issue. I have a very low sex drive and I'd leave anyone who pressurised me and made a fuss about it.

I have read the full thread. At one pint you seemed to suggest that unless your sex life changed you would need an open relationship. If you have consideredthat option already - before life changes (careers/kids/health issues/elderly parents) - then you will never be suited. Sorry. I'm not particularly romantic but really to even consider needing other sexual partners at this stage of your relationship indicates a deep rooted incompatibility.

And cajoling someone in to proving that you are irresistible (not loved - you seem to feel secure in that aspect) is deeply unfair. I would ditch a partner for that. He's not responsible for your self image.

Just going to chime in here with the libido and the need for affirmation being separate things. While it’s clear that the OP has an unhealthy connection between having sex and here emotional well being I don’t think, from reading the post, that her need for sex arises from her need for affirmation, rather that she is very insecure and when sex does occur it is an affirmation and when her partner turns it down it knocks her self esteem. Her libido just seems naturally high creating more opportunities to feel like she’s being rejected. @OP regarding wanting sex less I’m not sure that is something you can change eithout drugs. I have a naturally high sex drive and have gone from an average of three times a day to three times a week (within the one relationship) and I do actually struggle with it in that I am constantly horny but have to wait. Nothing really seems to make it go away, some things make it worse (drinking and exercise). It’s just something that I have learned to live with.

I've not read ALL the replies but I do agree that it sounds more like you are seeking the feeling of being wanted rather than having a high sex drive. Do you ever initiate sex and he turns you down or do you lay there waiting for him to initiate it and then get upset when he doesn't? Maybe you need to be the one to take control in the bedroom. I very rarely initiate sex with my partner but it doesn't mean I don't want it or don't fancy him, he's just naturally the more dominant one (which I'm perfectly happy with).

I don't think you sound like a nightmare. I think you've been in a relationship for a year and it's about to get serious and you're asking yourself questions about it, which is natural and healthy.

FYI I would not pretend to enjoy a hobby of my partner's - not in a LTR anyway. I mean I might go along occasionally as a favour, if he wanted me to, but I wouldn't make myself into something I'm not. I wouldn't do that sexually either. But I don't think sex and a hobby are the same at all - I think sexuality is deeply embedded in people's psyche and is much, much more personal. It's not something you should do as a favour for someone else unless you want to feel like a fuckdoll.

If you were a man I would be asking you if your partner is enjoying the sex you're having. So - is your partner enjoying the sex you're having?

So - is your partner enjoying the sex you're having?

If it’s all only on his terms, yes it sounds like he is when she has asked him.
But it has to be only in 3 positions at a certain time in the evening and only in the bed. There is no spontaneity and he does not want to try anything new isn’t passionate and OP is compromising all of her own sexual needs to make him feel more comfortable - which doesn’t suggest someone who is a raging crazy woman

People are picking up on the wrong part of this post IMO

I'm not going to try and diagnose you. All I can say is the person with the problem here is you, not him.

I genuinely believe if this is real you need to seek help of some form for your mental health.

@conkergame then maybe the question is this. You have compromised for him, has he compromised for you? (and not regarding sex)

Conker,

The message you are sending out loud and clear is you ONLY value your partner for sexual fulfilment and validation of your attractiveness.

I know you say you really value him for other things but if you are clearly moody if you don’t get shagged (and with the type of passion that makes you feel desirable) then what is that really saying? And how is he going to feel excited about sex when he is being examined each time and sometimes found wanting?

I think this is a form or unintentional abuse. He has to perform at a certain frequency or intensity or live with a moody partner (and eventually get dumped).

And how would you feel if a few years down the line, with a high pressure job and maybe a couple of kids, you go off sex for a while. Would you accept moodiness and tears from him?

Given that you don’t have any commitments yet, the fairest thing for both of you would be to split up sooner rather than later. I do think you need to evaluate whether anyone really needs sex as much as you think you do? Do you cry every day when single? Do you pick up strangers for sex? If not, then sex per se is not the issue and you need to analyse what is at a deeper level.