Am I self-sabotaging perfect relationship? (Sex-related)

[ConkerGame]

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future. We have decided to move in together (he is really excited about this and until last Sunday so was I) and have planned to take the first practical steps towards that this weekend. We would end up making the move in early Feb.

I’m thinking of asking him tonight if we should postpone moving in together until we’ve resolved the one issue we have that keeps coming up and makes me unhappy for the other 5% of the time we spend together (it came up again on Sunday so has given me doubts). I know he would be devastated and really worried if I did this so I wanted to check with some impartial people first whether or not I’m needlessly sabotaging something good?

The issue is our sex life - we have quite different needs/wants and place different importance on it. For me, sex is hugely important in a relationship as it’s the one thing you only ever do with one another. It makes me feel attractive, sexy, loved and affirms our relationship for me. I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning we spend together unless there’s some actual reason not to - e.g. one of us is ill/I’m on my period/one of us has just received some terrible news etc. I also like to try out different things and experiment a bit (nothing too wild!) and would love to share fantasies /talk dirty etc. Previous boyfriends have always wanted sex as much as me or more than me and have been more adventurous too.

My current DP on the other hand is very vanilla and doesn’t seem to need/want it as much as I do. He only ever wants to have sex in the evening, in bed, in one of our “usual” positions and only two or three times a week. He is just as happy to sit next to each other reading, which to me would be how I would expect our life to be in our 40s when we have kids, not in our early 30s with no kids, when we’re still in the honeymoon phase.

I really love him and have accepted that he’ll never be as sexual as I would ideally want him to be. He has explained that in the morning he starts to feel stressed about work so isn't in the mood, so I no longer hope for sex in the morning (I used to regularly be hopeful and then feel upset and rejected when it didn’t happen). He has also said that he likes to know I will enjoy it so prefers to stick to tried and tested moves - so I have accepted that if I want to try something new it’s up to me to tell him and initiate it. The one thing I can’t cope with though is when he’s not up for it in our usual positions in the evening. This is apparently his “safe zone” so the only explanation as far as I’m concerned is that he’s just not that attracted to me. It gets me down hugely when this happens and massively affects my self esteem. I spend the whole night crying and the whole of the next day feeling in despair and unattractive. He has assured me he does find me very attractive and also says nice things about my appearance sometimes out of the bedroom (e.g. if I’ve made an effort for a party or something) so when we’re not in one of these periods I can logically see that he probably does, but when I’ve just been “rejected” in the bedroom, it makes me feel awful. Just to be clear he doesn’t say no to me as such as I don’t push. He just says “night!”, kisses me, switches off the light and turns over. I don’t know whether I should maybe be more assertive about it and ask him if we could have sex before going to sleep? That sounds desperate to me though! He never has to ask me - we just start kissing and then go for it.

So does anyone have any ideas about how to solve the sex issue (which comes up every 4-5 weeks) and/or have any thoughts on whether I should suggest delaying moving in together until it’s sorted?

I’d be devastated to ruin something that’s otherwise so good but also can’t live with feeling this low for a couple of days every month and worry the issue would get worse when living together as there would be even more opportunities for him to turn me down (we currently spend around 5 nights a week together).

@ConkerGame It is hard work but if you love him then it's worth it! We've just had our first baby and it's boosted our sex life, I'm sure it'll go down again but we're loving it at the moment!

NicoleRD but there is nothing wrong with the partner either

OP you cant change your partners response - you simply cant. You also should never base feeling sex and desirable on someone else - do you feel it or do you need his response to feel it

Well this is rare for me. Normally I nod sagely offer a sprinkle of sympathy and fire across a few suggestions. But honestly after reading your posts I’m rather forced to say you’re the problem. Mis matched sex drives is putting it mildly. He’s a damned saint.

I read posts from women on here bemoaning that their men only give it to them once a week or once a month or lords forbid once a year. He’s getting it to you three times a week!?

Seek therapy. It’s not normal. Not so much the amount you want but how you see it. I’ll be honest if a woman posted on here saying her hubby wanted it 14 times a week and cries when he doesn’t get it I’d tell her leave and fast. As a guy who’s gone years without it I’d be running for the hills. Good grief.

@butterymuffin that would obviously be awful and I would feel so guilty. I would apologise and tell him I’d much rather not have sex with him that have it under duration.

If he said that was the only way he could do it then we would have to split up as no relationship could continue on that basis.

Op what would you say to a poster who posted that her partner was thinking if splitting with her because having sex 3 nights out of 5, wasn't enough.

That if she really fancied him and wanted him to feel good she would put out every night? That his self esteem hinged on wether she would have sex with him or not and that it was HER responsibility to boost his self esteem in that way.

Would you tell her she should have sex every night to ensure he got his ego boost, even when she doesn't feel like it?

You might not be saying this to him, but that's how you feel.

The issue is your relationship to sex.

I think honestly if a guy had written my post I would say to him that he should break up with the woman because she wouldn’t be able to keep him satisfied and there was nothing he could do about it.

I see that splitting up is where me and DP would ultimately end up if this gap in our sex drives continues but I really want to avoid a split and I’m pretty sure he would too so I’m looking for advice as to what else I can do.

But what if a woman posted from the partners point of view. You havent answers that, I think it's because you know that it's wrong.

What have you tried to do, to resolve your unhealthy relationship with sex?

Have to agree with other posters here. You seem unwilling to address the many valid points raised. All I hear is ‘yeah but how do I get him to have more sex’.

I think you need to be very honest with yourself here- I think what you’re saying is that you adore this guy but the sex is boring...he’s not very adventurous/enthusiastic etc..If that’s the case, don’t think it will work long term...sorry.

Then you need to leave OP, anything else is forcing him into sex he does not want. He sounds like a lovely man who will easily find a woman whose sex drive matches his

Then you need to leave OP, anything else is forcing him into sex he does not want. He sounds like a lovely man who will easily find a woman whose sex drive matches his

Absolutely

If the woman posted it from her point of view I would tell her to break up with him, essentially for the same reason - that she wouldn’t be able to satisfy him and that’s not her fault.

I haven’t felt like I had an unhealthy relationship with sex until very recently - like I said upthread, in all my previous relationships it’s not been an issue and the guy has always been up for it at least as much as me if not more.

I have to say though, whenever the guy wanted it and I wasn’t particularly feeling it I still went along with it (didn’t feel forced in any way) just because I think sex is a really important part of a relationship and I wouldn’t want to lose that connection just for the sake of feeling a bit tired. I guess I therefore expected DP to do the same in our relationship but he hasn’t. I wonder if it’s because men aren’t conditioned to please women in the same way women are conditioned to please men plus women are “meant” to have a lower sex drive than men so maybe that’s why it hasn’t occurred to him as a solution?

@quartz @trinity ok thank you, that’s what I was worried everyone would say. If there was a way I could want it less then I would take that way but nobody seems to suggest anything for that

Your reactions aren’t normal. You need to deal with your psychological issues before you are ever going to have a successful relationship. Different sexual needs is one thing but this isn’t about that is it? Your emotional reactions that you have described are out of the ordinary for anyone (perhaps with the exception of young inexperienced girls but even then it’s boradline).

The op isn’t really addressing the comments that say an important proportion of this is 100% on her side and not at all fair on the guy, and she should seek counselling.

Head. Let me introduce you to brick wall. Brick wall please meet my head. Pleasure to meet you. Again and again and again and again.

Is the actual sex good?

Why do you feel rejected / unattractive when your bf doesn’t want sex? It’s clear that he just has a lower sex drive.

Do you want sex that often because you want it for the pleasure, or because you think that you should have it that much to somehow prove that he finds you sexy and the relationship is on track?

His desired frequency sounds pretty average. He’s working full time etc.

The same old moves do sound dull though!

I’m in a slightly similar situation to you and found the ‘five languages of love’ helpful. I’m not recommending reading a book about it- a friend of mine read the book and explained it to me and that was enough! Here’s a copy and paste:

Do you know the 5 Love Languages? Here they are:

l. Words of affirmation – using words to build up the other person. “Thanks for
taking out the garbage.” Not – “It’s about time you took the garbage out. The
flies were going to carry it out for you.”

1. Gifts – a gift says, “He was thinking about me. Look what he got for me.”

1. Acts of Service – Doing something for your spouse that you know they would

like. Cooking a meal, washing dishes, vacuuming floors, are all acts of service.

1. Quality time – by which I mean, giving your spouse your undivided attention.

Taking a walk together or sitting on the couch with the TV off – talking and listening.

1. Physical touch – holding hands, hugging, kissing, sexual intercourse, are all

expressions of love.

Out of these five, each of you has a primary love language which speaks more
deeply to you than all the others. Discovering each other’s language and speaking
it regularly is the best way to keep love alive in a marriage.

“ I think that’s maybe all he’s looking for - someone he gets on with and enjoys their company.”

But he is happy with sex 2 / 3 times a week! Hardly platonic!

I think that its fine to have sex as a primary 'love language', which seems to me to be what the OP is describing. I honestly wouldn't bother with romantic relationships at all if it wasn't for sex personally, so I do understand where you are coming from @ConkerGame.

I was in a similar situation to you, but DP and I have learned to deal pretty well with the gap. He is up for sex once or twice a week, on the days when he isn't up for sex we make time for physical intimacy in other way...he washes my hair for me in the shower, I give him massages, we spend a solid two hours in bed snuggling and chatting (we go to bed when the kids do to do this!) It helps that he is a very touchy-feely person in nature himself, relationships for me don't seem to work with people who need a lot of physical space.

As regards the 'why doesn't he want sex, has he gone off me' feelings, again, this is something that I have found hard to deal with. Understanding it has made it pretty easy for me to handle...it really isn't anything to do with me, in DP's case he is either enjoying the quiet, busy thinking about something (he is a big overthinker!) or he just doesn't feel like it (something I don't really understand, but am grown up enough to believe is a real thing!)

Still, if it has been longer than usual, I do get bothered by this still. DP knows this and helps. Him acknowledging it helps a lot, makes me feel as though he hasn't just forgotten that sex exists!

I realise that this makes 'dealing with my sex drive' sound like a lot of hard work, but in reality the way we deal with it has gradually evolved over the years and comes naturally now. I promise that I have to deal with plenty of DP's flaws too!

@racecar @thisisnot sorry, you’re right I haven’t acknowledged them yet. I guess it’s a lot to take in when you’ve thought everything was fine for 14 years (as in my relationship with sex) and then you just start getting into difficulties all of a sudden with a new partner. I guess it’s easier to blame their actions than your reactions.

But you’re right I really need to understand my relationship to it and feelings about it more clearly. I think I would die of embarrassment talking about this stuff to a counsellor in person though. I might look for some online routes.

I have to say though, whenever the guy wanted it and I wasn’t particularly feeling it I still went along with it (didn’t feel forced in any way) just because I think sex is a really important part of a relationship and I wouldn’t want to lose that connection just for the sake of feeling a bit tired

So you thought you would lose a connection with someone if you didn't have sex with them every time they wanted it? You need therapy. You have a very very unhealthy relationship and view of sex.

It sounds like you’re just not well-matched in terms of sex drives and much as you can try and tell yourself it doesn’t matter if everything else is great, the truth is it does. His sex drive is likely to decrease if you were to have kids, etc and life becomes harder (though yours might too!) so if it’s like this now it’s never going to get better. Some people just don’t want to have sex as much as others and feeling pressured into it is just horrible. You’ll end up resenting each other in the end so it’s better to end it now before you are too involved.

It sounds like your using sex, and therefore him, to feel sexually desirable and validated. Do you actually get any enjoyment out of it? You need to sort this out in your head. I feel sorry for your BF, you are using him to make yourself feel desirable because that is the most important factor to you, not pleasure. How do you think that makes him feel? Do you actually desire him?

Interesting that you would base your advice to the woman to leave on the fact that she wouldn't be able to satisfy him, and not on the fact that he was treating her horribly.