Am I self-sabotaging perfect relationship? (Sex-related)

[ConkerGame]

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future. We have decided to move in together (he is really excited about this and until last Sunday so was I) and have planned to take the first practical steps towards that this weekend. We would end up making the move in early Feb.

I’m thinking of asking him tonight if we should postpone moving in together until we’ve resolved the one issue we have that keeps coming up and makes me unhappy for the other 5% of the time we spend together (it came up again on Sunday so has given me doubts). I know he would be devastated and really worried if I did this so I wanted to check with some impartial people first whether or not I’m needlessly sabotaging something good?

The issue is our sex life - we have quite different needs/wants and place different importance on it. For me, sex is hugely important in a relationship as it’s the one thing you only ever do with one another. It makes me feel attractive, sexy, loved and affirms our relationship for me. I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning we spend together unless there’s some actual reason not to - e.g. one of us is ill/I’m on my period/one of us has just received some terrible news etc. I also like to try out different things and experiment a bit (nothing too wild!) and would love to share fantasies /talk dirty etc. Previous boyfriends have always wanted sex as much as me or more than me and have been more adventurous too.

My current DP on the other hand is very vanilla and doesn’t seem to need/want it as much as I do. He only ever wants to have sex in the evening, in bed, in one of our “usual” positions and only two or three times a week. He is just as happy to sit next to each other reading, which to me would be how I would expect our life to be in our 40s when we have kids, not in our early 30s with no kids, when we’re still in the honeymoon phase.

I really love him and have accepted that he’ll never be as sexual as I would ideally want him to be. He has explained that in the morning he starts to feel stressed about work so isn't in the mood, so I no longer hope for sex in the morning (I used to regularly be hopeful and then feel upset and rejected when it didn’t happen). He has also said that he likes to know I will enjoy it so prefers to stick to tried and tested moves - so I have accepted that if I want to try something new it’s up to me to tell him and initiate it. The one thing I can’t cope with though is when he’s not up for it in our usual positions in the evening. This is apparently his “safe zone” so the only explanation as far as I’m concerned is that he’s just not that attracted to me. It gets me down hugely when this happens and massively affects my self esteem. I spend the whole night crying and the whole of the next day feeling in despair and unattractive. He has assured me he does find me very attractive and also says nice things about my appearance sometimes out of the bedroom (e.g. if I’ve made an effort for a party or something) so when we’re not in one of these periods I can logically see that he probably does, but when I’ve just been “rejected” in the bedroom, it makes me feel awful. Just to be clear he doesn’t say no to me as such as I don’t push. He just says “night!”, kisses me, switches off the light and turns over. I don’t know whether I should maybe be more assertive about it and ask him if we could have sex before going to sleep? That sounds desperate to me though! He never has to ask me - we just start kissing and then go for it.

So does anyone have any ideas about how to solve the sex issue (which comes up every 4-5 weeks) and/or have any thoughts on whether I should suggest delaying moving in together until it’s sorted?

I’d be devastated to ruin something that’s otherwise so good but also can’t live with feeling this low for a couple of days every month and worry the issue would get worse when living together as there would be even more opportunities for him to turn me down (we currently spend around 5 nights a week together).

You need to leave him because he isn't right for you (you don't sound in love with him from your posts, just like you really LIKE him and think he's a good bet who you 'should' like and be happy with but you're not fully feeling it partly because he isn't either).

And you need to get some therapy to sort out the other stuff. I have been almost identical to you when in relationships. It pushes some very deep stuff when I am rejected sexually, I can't even explain or understand why. And I dated a lot of people who loved sex just as much before I met a few who didn't and it crushed me when they didn't want it. Some of the posts on here have helped me too and I'd love to know what people - especially any therapists or counsellors in the place - think about why this starts. Is it to do with a fear of intimacy projected on to the other person? Is it just low self esteem and if so why sex as the trigger?
OP I hope you do what is right for you, but I think you know this may not be a long term prospect and that's why you're panicking so much. It's your instincts kicking in. Good luck.

My sex drive went through the roof after DC. It moderated a bit after a few years but there were long stretches where I'd literally cry in the bathroom after sex because one "go" hadn't taken the rampant need-sex feeling away. It was horrendous.

Never bet on your drive reducing after kids / post meno. Everyone is so different.

I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning

Thats a pipe dream of a lot of men! I suggest that you TALK to him he might be asexual or somewhere near it and perhaps best for you to talk to someone too perhaps relate or similar it seems to me that its not just the sex thats the real problem here.

2 or 3 times a week is well plenty in my opinion!

I'm a bit confused, but maybe I've missed an earlier post from OP. She says she's not bothered by no sex when she's single, or if DP is away, period etc. But she wants more sex from DP when they're together. However, having flings outside of the relationship was mentioned. Is it just more sex she wants, or more 'validation' from DP? Having flings just provides more sex, which goes against her comments of it not being just about sex because she's not fussed when she's single.
I think she needs to speak with a psychologist or counsellor to work out what she's looking for. The need for extra sex may be to fulfill a subconscious need for something else that DP may be able to provide, or he may not. Either way, the rest of her life is a long time to go without whatever it is she's after.

I think there are a few comments here that lay the blame at the op’s door and need a bit more probing. You’ve been described as teary, over-reacting, moody, manipulative, but the drivers of your reaction are your feelings: you feel sad and unfulfilled. Tears and upset are a normal consequence of sadness. You are allowed to feel sad.

But you have to own it and understand why you feel so sad and unvalidated, and why you are viewing your relationships, past and present, in terms of your sexual success. There is more to you than that.

It is uncomfortable for me to read that you see/saw sex as transactional in previous relationships, something you compromise on. It’s just ... not conducive, ultimately, to equality in a relationship if you are trading your own - or your dp’s - boundaries on any given day. And I don’t buy this ‘95% of the time’ business. It’s a package.

What happened with all your previous sexually compatible partners? Why did you break up with them?

I’ve had the super horny 24/7 boyfriend who was fantastic in bed and severely lacking in all other areas. Not worth keeping just for sex at all! I was sexually satisfied and heartbroken.

I’ve had others who were less full on, but lovely and it was just the wrong time.

I don’t think the perfect partner exists, everyone has their deal breakers though, if you can’t live without constant sex then you’ll need to end it.

Couples counseling even before you move in together??

Jeez op! He is toxic to your self worth and self esteem, sorry to be so blunt but think about it!

Your perception of how he treats you leaves you devastated.

This does not bode well for a happy future.

He sounds perfectly lovely btw!

2-3 times a week and he is close to asexual. The notion that all men should be sex crazed and up for sex morning noon and night is a dangerous and unrealistic one.

His sex drive is well within normal range he is just incompatible with the OP.

You’ve been together a year. You’re in the honeymoon phase of the relationship. The sex you’re having now is as good as it’s going to get. It will not get better or more frequent. Trust me.

I suggest that you TALK to him he might be asexual or somewhere near it and perhaps best for you to talk to someone too perhaps relate or similar it seems to me that its not just the sex thats the real problem here.

Someone having sex 2-3 times a week is not asexual!

I really do think you need counselling. What you want is not normal and if a man behaved like you because a woman doesn’t want sex twice a day he would be villified.

So you're 95% happy with the relationship ... but this is one of your red lines ... and could be a deal breaker?
On the other hand he has expectations for the future of this relationship as well and I think you need to respect his borders!

@getonwithlife my first proper boyfriend was at uni and whilst the sex was great (frequent and passionate), he was a horrible person. He was actually emotionally abusive - gaslighting me on a regular basis to make me believe that other people hated me when they didn’t, that I had a problem with alcohol when I didn’t, that talking to other men meant I wanted to cheat on him (I didn’t), making me feel bad for any success because “how did I think that made him feel about his achievements?” unfortunately I was young, inexperienced and in love for the first time so allowed this to go on for 18 months but the final straw was when he ruined a particularly big, happy, important event for me. I broke up with him but really didn’t want to as I was still in love and it took me 2 years to get over him.

My next boyfriend I saw as my “knight in shining armour” after the last one. He was a real gentleman and always said nice things about me. He was the most sexual of the exes - he literally couldn’t see me naked without jumping on me. Tbh I did find it a little bit much but I also found it very flattering. I want to make it clear that it didn’t negatively affect me in any way having sex with him when I didn’t really fancy it. I saw it as doing something nice for him and it bothered me about the same amount as having to do the washing up when you can’t really be bothered but know it will be nice for your partner not to have to do it. He was quite a bit older than me and we broke up because we were just at really different life stages. I wanted to go travelling/ backpacking whilst he wanted to buy a house and have kids, I wanted film nights in with pizza whilst he wanted to eat out at fancy restaurants I couldn’t afford.

The last ex was the most sad situation for me. I really loved him and thought we would get married and spend the rest of our lives together, but after two years he suddenly got cold feet and was being very non-committal about moving in/marriage/kids. This coincided with all my friends getting engaged and we kept arguing about it so ended up with a mutual split but I was devastated. This was 4 years ago now though and I am fully over him.

So I am well aware that even when the sex is great other things can be very wrong! My current DP is very kind, is at the same life stage as me, we have lots in common, brilliant long talks about all sorts of topics, he often speaks about our long term future and wants to move in with me! It’s just the sex that could do with improving, but even so it’s not a complete disaster - most of the time I am happy with it, it’s just these times once every five-six weeks when his lack of interest pushes me over the edge and makes me doubt things.

Thinking about it, it’s more my reaction that I can’t cope with, both because it’s horrible to feel so rejected and to be crying so much and also because it knocks me out for a couple of days afterwards because I’ve essentially missed a night’s sleep. And I can’t really afford that with work.

I think I’m going to look at changing my reaction to it before I think about doing anything drastic like ending things.

It’s facinating that you would doubt that he’s into you when you’re doing it 2-3 times a week, and given that you don’t live together, that’s probably most times that you’re together. It sounds like his sex drive is on the high end of average, and yours is very high.

I found myself in a slightly similar situation with my DH in the early days. Maybe in the first year, like you. 2-3 times a week would be plenty for me, but DH has a lower drive than that. Back then it was maybe once a week, less often when he was busy at work. I’d say 2-4 times a month now, 8 years later. I came to the point, back in the first year, where I realised that it was either accept this as how he is or don’t and move on. I’d understood by this point that it wasn’t that he didn’t fancy me, or even that he didn’t want sex. He just didn’t want it as often as me. It’s not something you can change about a person or compromise on. For me, there was no question of leaving him. We’re compatible in every other way and I know there’s no one better suited to me. This has been hard sometimes, and I’ve still occasionally felt rejected or frustrated, but it’s worked because we love each other and everything else is as perfect as a normal relationship can get.

The difference between me and you is that I’m not sure you can just accept that this is how he is. There’s no guarantee that you’ll find someone else with a sex drive as high as yours who you’re compatible with in other ways, so leaving would be a huge gamble.

The other things (‘boring’ sex, or not enough passion) you can work on, by talking about it and by taking the initiative yourself. If this isn’t a thing he’s comfortable with, but you want it, then you have to take the lead yourself.

Your post about your three serious ex boyfriends has made me feel a lot more sympathetic to you, OP. I can see that after the history you have been through, this is a real dilemma for you. It's really not as easy as just finishing this relationship and looking for someone who is more sexually compatible with you.

Good luck with whatever you decide

OP I think the problem is having sex when you didn’t want it has negatively affected you and has led you to where you are. I suggest counselling there is a lot in your previous relationships to unpick that is leading to your reactions now. Your reactions to sex are potentially damaging and do need sorting.

Good luck

Someone with an equally high sex drive could take advantage as well and erode your boundaries even more

@conkergame, I would say he is definitely attracted to you. He’s categorically told you he is, and he’s excited about the prospect of you moving in with each other. It’s obvious that he loves you! There does however appear to be a somewhat mismatched labido. Over time we go through ebs and flows with labido. I went from rampant rabbit to not really wanting sex at all after I had a child. This was mainly due to the contraceptive pill I was taking but also my body confidence took a huge nose dive and I hated what I saw in the mirror. It took years to get the confidence back I once had, in addition I realised once I was on a non hormonal contraceptive (copper coil), my labido came back big time! All I am saying is, things change over time. There are many ways to express love and intimacy without physically putting the P in the V. I think you should give him a chance, it doesn’t sound like he has a great deal of previous sexual experiences and he’s stated he gets stressed before work etc which is a valid reason not to want to jump your bones in the morning! I feel this may be more about you and your self esteem. You need to find a way to compromise with each other. Don’t throw a good relationship away when improvements can be made.

Having sex in past relationships when you didn't stay want it has I think been part of the issue here OP
You now in turn don't understand why your dp won't do the same.
Deep down I'm sure you are aware that if your dp really was rejecting you/ using sex as a way to toy with your emotions it would be unacceptable and a major abuse of power.
I don't get the impression he is doing that though.

You previous exes have all in a way eroded parts of your self worth from your ex in uni wanting you to believe all sorts of gaslighting crap to the cold feet ex and the ex you let do as he wanted inadvertently regardless of your own wants or feelings.
Talking this through in counseling would really help just to unpick these fears and then afterwards you can decide if this current dp is enough for you really.

*didn't want it

I think you might need to examine your feelings about the reality of having sex with your ex boyfriend when you didn't feel like it.

Let's say it is like washing up. Washing up isn't sex. But even doing the washing up because your partner doesn't fancy it makes you feel a bit crap if it is more than very occasionally.

The difference between sex and washing up is that hardly anybody actively enjoys washing up so you never get a blurred line between the washing up you want to do and that you're doing as a favour. Not so with sex. Think about the material difference between how each makes you feel - physically and emotionally.

I'm with the previous poster in that I understand now you've shown your relationship history. But that doesn't alter the fact that it's for you to deal with your sexual attitude/responses to lack of it.

I've read most of the replies but for what it's worth, sex is very important to me too. I wouldn't be with someone who didn't tick most of my boxes anyway but if they didn't satisfy me in bed then it'd be a simple no way.
I'm with a guy who is as passionate in bed as me, he is my MrWow. If anything sex is getting better, not worse with time. In relationships, if I can't connect with someone on a sexual level than that just leaves me feeling empty and unfulfilled.
It's a no from me.

I'm amazed people think 2-3/wk is average/high just a year in. I was down to that 7yrs in, post kids with exDH. Also the poster who said what she wanted 'isnt normal'. Bugger that - some women like a lot of sex! MAYBE op has ishoos but jeez...cant we just like sex?

Thank you @bimwit I was beginning to feel a bit like a sex-crazed monster after reading some of these comments!

But thank you to everyone who has commented, it’s been really helpful to see lots of different points of view and has definitely made me re-frame how I see the issue. I might DM a couple of you who have been in a similar situation to me, I hope you don’t mind.

I hope I didn't suggest 2-3 times per week was high - it'd be average if not slightly low for me, if im honest, I'm in the everyday camp!

But you can't make him do that. It's hard coded into you. You can't change your sex drive; just like he can't change his. That was my point; not that you should be happy with 2 or 3 times a week.