Am I self-sabotaging perfect relationship? (Sex-related)

[ConkerGame]

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future. We have decided to move in together (he is really excited about this and until last Sunday so was I) and have planned to take the first practical steps towards that this weekend. We would end up making the move in early Feb.

I’m thinking of asking him tonight if we should postpone moving in together until we’ve resolved the one issue we have that keeps coming up and makes me unhappy for the other 5% of the time we spend together (it came up again on Sunday so has given me doubts). I know he would be devastated and really worried if I did this so I wanted to check with some impartial people first whether or not I’m needlessly sabotaging something good?

The issue is our sex life - we have quite different needs/wants and place different importance on it. For me, sex is hugely important in a relationship as it’s the one thing you only ever do with one another. It makes me feel attractive, sexy, loved and affirms our relationship for me. I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning we spend together unless there’s some actual reason not to - e.g. one of us is ill/I’m on my period/one of us has just received some terrible news etc. I also like to try out different things and experiment a bit (nothing too wild!) and would love to share fantasies /talk dirty etc. Previous boyfriends have always wanted sex as much as me or more than me and have been more adventurous too.

My current DP on the other hand is very vanilla and doesn’t seem to need/want it as much as I do. He only ever wants to have sex in the evening, in bed, in one of our “usual” positions and only two or three times a week. He is just as happy to sit next to each other reading, which to me would be how I would expect our life to be in our 40s when we have kids, not in our early 30s with no kids, when we’re still in the honeymoon phase.

I really love him and have accepted that he’ll never be as sexual as I would ideally want him to be. He has explained that in the morning he starts to feel stressed about work so isn't in the mood, so I no longer hope for sex in the morning (I used to regularly be hopeful and then feel upset and rejected when it didn’t happen). He has also said that he likes to know I will enjoy it so prefers to stick to tried and tested moves - so I have accepted that if I want to try something new it’s up to me to tell him and initiate it. The one thing I can’t cope with though is when he’s not up for it in our usual positions in the evening. This is apparently his “safe zone” so the only explanation as far as I’m concerned is that he’s just not that attracted to me. It gets me down hugely when this happens and massively affects my self esteem. I spend the whole night crying and the whole of the next day feeling in despair and unattractive. He has assured me he does find me very attractive and also says nice things about my appearance sometimes out of the bedroom (e.g. if I’ve made an effort for a party or something) so when we’re not in one of these periods I can logically see that he probably does, but when I’ve just been “rejected” in the bedroom, it makes me feel awful. Just to be clear he doesn’t say no to me as such as I don’t push. He just says “night!”, kisses me, switches off the light and turns over. I don’t know whether I should maybe be more assertive about it and ask him if we could have sex before going to sleep? That sounds desperate to me though! He never has to ask me - we just start kissing and then go for it.

So does anyone have any ideas about how to solve the sex issue (which comes up every 4-5 weeks) and/or have any thoughts on whether I should suggest delaying moving in together until it’s sorted?

I’d be devastated to ruin something that’s otherwise so good but also can’t live with feeling this low for a couple of days every month and worry the issue would get worse when living together as there would be even more opportunities for him to turn me down (we currently spend around 5 nights a week together).

Because the problem seems to be about your feeling attractive rather than feeling sexually frustrated I think you need to work on unhooking the idea that your worth is based solely on your sexual attractiveness to your partner.
It’s nice to get a boost , but you’re using him as a prop, rather than meeting him.

@Riaovertherainbow thank you for that link. I can identify with some parts, e.g. the intensity of negative feelings I sometimes get. However there’s also a lot I don’t identify with, like I don’t think I have insecure relationships in general - I have a number of long-term friends (over 20 years) and I don’t worry any of them will abandon me. I also have a good relationship with my parents and siblings. I’m not worried that DP will leave me, I’m worried I will end up leaving him and then regretting it.

I’ve just never come across this before. I have 3 long term exes and they all wanted the same amount of sex as me or more. So I guess I’ve never known what it’s like to want sex with someone and they turn you down.

@c24680 thank you - it’s comforting to know that others in similar situations have made it. And I am aware that my own sex drive will fluctuate over time and most likely massively drop after kids. I just worry about ending up in a marriage where I constantly feel sexually unfulfilled.

@twistedstitch ok I get your point now. I do try to slap a smile on but I just can’t fake it. It doesn’t help that I’m normally a really smiley, happy person so it’s quite easy to tell when there’s a drop.

I’m honestly not putting it on to make him notice - I continue to feel upset all day at work but don’t message him about it or anything like that.

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future.

He has all of those good points? Yes, you are self-sabotaging a perfectly good relationship.

You are having sex 2-3 times a week, but you seem to have tied your self-esteem to the feeling of being 'desired'. Please put a higher value on yourself! Desire yourself, admire yourself and try to be content in yourself. This is not something you need to cry about.

If you are in your 30s, want children and he is good in all other respects I would be very cautious about putting him back on the market for some other woman to snap up.

This is affecting you far beyond what seems reasonable. I too thought BPD given you feel "rejected" by a man who has sex with you 2 or 3 times a week, and the intensity of your emotions.You seem to equate sex with your sexiness and desirability. In fact I wonder if your sex drive is really that high, or you just need the hit of endorphins for your self esteem? The fact you've considered having sex with others despite the fact you have regular sex is really alarming.
Crying about this and feeling sad all day at work is also really extreme. I would recommend therapy.

I think - and I mean this kindly - it’s worth reframing how you think about sex. I think you are placing too much emphasis on it as a way your dp can show that he values you.

Think about it like this - there are probably more people in the world that your dp could conceivably want to have sex with than the number of people with whom he would happily coexist with a book.

You feel upset at work all day because your boyfriend turned you down the night before?!
You are so obviously upset in the morning that he has to ask you what's wrong?
You really need to think about your own relationship with sex.

I think the overwhelming feeling I get from this is that it’s all so needy.

I couldn’t cope with a partner who needs to have sex more than x times a week in order to feel good about themselves and cries if they don’t get it.

If you were single you’d sort yourself out.

You’re in danger of being mildly sex pesty. There’s nothing more of a turn off than being expected or needed to perform.

If it's frequency in particular you have an issue with, that's unlikely to change. If someone has a partner with a higher sex drive and happy to do so, they can pleasure their partner without penetrative sex, but it appears you want the feeling of being desired, and that won't come from that. You have a high sex drive, he has an average one. If that's a show-stopper get out now.

If it's variety you are after, and that's the issue, you could try [http://mojoupgrade.com/ mojoupgrade] if you partner is willing. You might be surprised.

Putting all the self-esteem stuff to the side - you are having boring sex 2-3 times a week. You want more from life. Are you sure your DP is really Mr Right? If he's the only partner you've had that you've had this issue with, it's him - not you. You can't and shouldn't force him to feel bad about not wanting more & varied sex - but you can't find someone that will.

@tatianalarina yes, I’m frightened of coming across like that - clearly it’s not attractive at all.

@dadjoke thanks for that link - could well make for some interesting revelations!

@whogivesadamn yes sometimes I think that’s right but the fact is he really is an amazing boyfriend in all other ways so I think I’d be stupid to end it just over sex. @maybedoctor ‘s post is what I think to myself when I think about ending it. He’s honestly amazing in every other way and I’d feel like a fool to let him go, especially as it’s taken me so long to find him. He would be completely shocked if I broke up with him over this.

I think his sex drive is probably average. I think it's normal for people's sex drives to not be exactly the same as each other's, as long as they are not too different as then you're incompatible.
My husband and I both have high sex drives, though I would say his is higher than mine. We have sex most nights, apart from when I'm tired after looking after the kids.
I think as long as we're both confident in our relationship and both satisfied it's not a problem.

@chocolate but that’s the issue - I don’t feel satisfied all the time.

Also for those of you saying it’s not fair to “manipulate” him into having more sex - I know for a fact that if I just ended it and told him the lack of sex was the reason, he would be very upset that I hadn’t spoken to him about it and would ask why I didn’t discuss it with him and why I didn’t try to work at it before walking away. I don’t think he would see discussing it as being manipulative and I can’t help getting upset about it when we discuss it as it’s an emotive topic!

Would it really be better to just walk away without trying to do something about it first?

OP, you say in your post above I’m not worried DP will leave me.

If you’re certain he wants to be with you, why do you feel so rejected when he doesn’t want to have sex?

I find this hard to understand. Several posters have mentioned low self esteem, but it seems that your self esteem is fine (some of us wouldn’t be able to say confidently “I’m sure my our partner won’t leave”) except in this one area. It’s like you know he finds you attractive, but still need him to constantly prove it?

No. But don't try to talk about it when you're already upset, or when sex is likely to be on the cards at all. I find the car, on a journey is a good place to talk.

OP, we’re not saying it would be manipulative to sit down and have a proper conversation about this. We’re saying it’s manipulative / emotional blackmail to cry and be visibly upset when he doesn’t want sex, as this will make him feel guilty about his perfectly normal behaviour.

OP, you sound very needy. You need to build a bigger life for yourself I think and not rely on one other person to fulfill your self-worth. You may end up driving him away if you carry on as you are.

@escolar I don’t think he will leave me because I know he loves me very much and is planning a future with me. Obviously this is lovely and hugely contributes to my self esteem. I think that’s maybe all he’s looking for - someone he gets on with and enjoys their company.

Whereas I was hoping that my husband would also be with me because they really fancy me and are excited about the fact they get to have sex with me - that’s how I feel about him! (as well as enjoying his company etc).

I never doubted my exes feelings of attraction to me, only current DP’s, because he never shows that “I need you right now”. He just wants sex as part of routine, at a lower frequency than me.

I'm with you on this one OP, your DP sounds like my dh!

I've had this issue for the best part of 2 years - it isn't even the sex I miss now - I miss feeling sexy and desirable.

I have no advice, we haven't had sex for 5 months now because I haven't initiated it & the odd occasion he does initiate it, it feels almost forced and unnatural and I don't want to sleep with him like that. Dont let it get to this point!

Just know that you aren't alone. I was also like you - crying in bed at night after rejection. It isn't healthy.

Ateotd, you need to be happy, I know you love him and he loves you but ultimately you need to deal with it or leave.

How would you feel if he started to cry at you every morning after you'd had sex the previous night and said he hadn't really wanted it and you'd pressured him and it had upset him?

You do not sound needy and there isn't anything wrong with you!!!!!
Nor do you sound abusive or manipulative. You have every right to feel how you do, it's soul destroying feeling as though you aren't enough to make somebody desire you.

You are enough!! You just have different sex drives. Seriously though, you are enough.

Nicole did you miss the part where the OP is having sex 2-3 times a week?

Considering they spend 5 nights a week together they are having sex more often than not!