Am I self-sabotaging perfect relationship? (Sex-related)

[ConkerGame]

DP and I have been together for a year and are very happy about 95% of the time. He is kind, caring, fun, makes me laugh and we have lots in common and plenty to talk about. We also have similar values and common hopes/goals for the future. We have decided to move in together (he is really excited about this and until last Sunday so was I) and have planned to take the first practical steps towards that this weekend. We would end up making the move in early Feb.

I’m thinking of asking him tonight if we should postpone moving in together until we’ve resolved the one issue we have that keeps coming up and makes me unhappy for the other 5% of the time we spend together (it came up again on Sunday so has given me doubts). I know he would be devastated and really worried if I did this so I wanted to check with some impartial people first whether or not I’m needlessly sabotaging something good?

The issue is our sex life - we have quite different needs/wants and place different importance on it. For me, sex is hugely important in a relationship as it’s the one thing you only ever do with one another. It makes me feel attractive, sexy, loved and affirms our relationship for me. I would happily have sex with him every evening and morning we spend together unless there’s some actual reason not to - e.g. one of us is ill/I’m on my period/one of us has just received some terrible news etc. I also like to try out different things and experiment a bit (nothing too wild!) and would love to share fantasies /talk dirty etc. Previous boyfriends have always wanted sex as much as me or more than me and have been more adventurous too.

My current DP on the other hand is very vanilla and doesn’t seem to need/want it as much as I do. He only ever wants to have sex in the evening, in bed, in one of our “usual” positions and only two or three times a week. He is just as happy to sit next to each other reading, which to me would be how I would expect our life to be in our 40s when we have kids, not in our early 30s with no kids, when we’re still in the honeymoon phase.

I really love him and have accepted that he’ll never be as sexual as I would ideally want him to be. He has explained that in the morning he starts to feel stressed about work so isn't in the mood, so I no longer hope for sex in the morning (I used to regularly be hopeful and then feel upset and rejected when it didn’t happen). He has also said that he likes to know I will enjoy it so prefers to stick to tried and tested moves - so I have accepted that if I want to try something new it’s up to me to tell him and initiate it. The one thing I can’t cope with though is when he’s not up for it in our usual positions in the evening. This is apparently his “safe zone” so the only explanation as far as I’m concerned is that he’s just not that attracted to me. It gets me down hugely when this happens and massively affects my self esteem. I spend the whole night crying and the whole of the next day feeling in despair and unattractive. He has assured me he does find me very attractive and also says nice things about my appearance sometimes out of the bedroom (e.g. if I’ve made an effort for a party or something) so when we’re not in one of these periods I can logically see that he probably does, but when I’ve just been “rejected” in the bedroom, it makes me feel awful. Just to be clear he doesn’t say no to me as such as I don’t push. He just says “night!”, kisses me, switches off the light and turns over. I don’t know whether I should maybe be more assertive about it and ask him if we could have sex before going to sleep? That sounds desperate to me though! He never has to ask me - we just start kissing and then go for it.

So does anyone have any ideas about how to solve the sex issue (which comes up every 4-5 weeks) and/or have any thoughts on whether I should suggest delaying moving in together until it’s sorted?

I’d be devastated to ruin something that’s otherwise so good but also can’t live with feeling this low for a couple of days every month and worry the issue would get worse when living together as there would be even more opportunities for him to turn me down (we currently spend around 5 nights a week together).

I’m quite surprised at your quite extreme reaction to him not wanting to have sex with you given that you have quite a healthy and active sex life if you’re doing it 2-3 times a week. I think you need to maybe think about that a bit more and what role having sex plays in your self esteem.
That said I’m not sure how you can resolve such different sex drives; particularly as it has such an effect on you when you don’t have sex.

I mean asking a guy who has sex with you 2-3 times a week why he doesn't want to have sex with you is ridiculous

Yes but you could approach it from the 'vanilla' angle instead of the frequency angle.

Op, he is excited to move in with you, you have sex 3 times a week despite him already telling you he is stressed. And you want more affirmation!
Have you considered that by moving in together, sharing the stresses and strains of life, you may reduce his stress level and therefore make sex more likely.
Also by living together you will grow closer, and develop a better understanding of each other, and what turns you on.
You’re talking about moving in together, not getting married.

If and when you have kids this will seem laughable. I remember when DH and I would have sex 3-4 times a week and would think we were knackered with work etc.... we had no idea!!

I wouldn’t leave over this, but I do think if I felt like you do and attatched so much of my self worth to sex then I would seek therapy of some kind. I think this is about more than the sex.

@mookatron thank you, that’s a good idea. I’m not looking to join a swingers club or anything, just some different positions/ types of foreplay

@seniorschoolmum that’s exactly what I want to hear - thank you! Just not sure if I’m being naiive in hoping for this.

I think you sound like s nightmare. So you have it 2 to 3 times a week...cry...despair and he says no.

If he's away you have no problems with no sex but just want it if he's in the house.

I can't articulate why, but your bf is in an abusive relationship.

Part of it is probably that you are mismatched sexually. But the larger part is your inability to understand sex drive is just that. Crying all night because you feel rejected? Asking the man who is having sex with you several times a week why he doesn’t want to have sex with you?
When you say ‘ it’s not so much the orgasms I’m looking for - it’s more the feeling that he really wants me, which masturbating wouldn’t solve.’ - do you mean this? Because you’ve also considered sex with strangers and I can’t see how that would help make you feel your partner wants you at all....
I think before moving in or ending it you should get some counselling to determine how much is sex drive and how much are you have tied your sense of security and self esteem into being wanted sexually. At the very least working this out will help you establish healthy future relationships. Please god dont ask him again why he doesn’t want to have sex with you!
In the meantime, maybe with the vanilla thing it’s partly that he knows there is not enough sex with you and would feel terrible if one session of what you see as already not enough sex doesnt actually do it for you so feels trying new things is very high pressure? You could try reassuring him if it doesn’t work for us we will just laugh and go to sleep - take the pressure off?

@geologyrocks I can see why you say the nightmare comment. I often hate the intensity that I feel things with.

He’s honestly not in an abusive relationship though. I never get upset with him in an attempt to get him to have sex with me - I wouldn’t want to do it when he’s clearly not up for it, as the whole point is that I want him to want me! I think he’d say that I make him very happy but he would wish that I wouldn’t get upset over this. He’ll see I’m upset the next morning and ask me why. I’ll say it’s because I don’t understand why he didn’t want to sleep with me the previous night, to which he will reply, “I don’t understand what the problem is because we had sex the day before”. I don’t usually respond to that but in my head I’m thinking “but I want to have sex with you at any opportunity, I don’t want it to be a set number of times a week - I want you to find me irrisistable”

point is that I want him to want me!

But he does want you though!

OP you say this

I never get upset with him in an attempt to get him to have sex with me

But that is contradicted by this

He’ll see I’m upset the next morning and ask me why. I’ll say it’s because I don’t understand why he didn’t want to sleep with me the previous night

What are you hoping to achieve by telling him that, if not to make him feel bad or get him to have sex with you? You denied being manipulative in an earlier post by saying that he doesn't know you get upset, but he clearly does.

@ConkerGame

Me and my DH have mismatched sex drives which caused problems at first but then everyday life gets in the way and it become irregular anyway! I know it's not nice when he doesn't want it and you do and it leaves you feeling unattractive and unwanted but try to think about why he does - has he had a busy day or week? Does he have something else on his mind or does he simply just want to chill out.

We've been together 10 years now and we've got a good balance on how often it is.

I think you need to seriously consider if you can live with less of it than you need before moving in together.

God you sound needy.

You have a higher sex drive than he does, that’s all there is to it imo. It’s not about you needing excess self assurance or being needy and insecure. You simply want to have more sex than he does. There’s nothing wrong with you wanting that but you obviously can’t force him into wanting the same.

In order for your relationship to ever work out you will have to accept his lower sex drive and live with doing it 2-3 times a week as opposed to 1-2 times a day! It really is as simple as that.

He does want you

What you want is for him to have sex to prove it.

@twostedstitch I’m not trying to get him to have sex with me the following morning as I know he won’t do it in the morning anyway. I’m just answering his question. Surely it’s better to be honest than to make up some reason? What else am I supposed to say at that point?

@outpinked any suggestions as to how I just accept it? I would love to be able to do that but not sure how to without feeling frustrated? It’s fine when he’s not there but I’m nearly always turned on if he’s in bed with me.

I could well be talking bollocks, but how intense your feelings are makes me wonder if you might have BPD. Maybe have a look at this summary and see what you think? Again, I could be totally off base, but if not it could be a useful starting point for working on your self-esteem.

Let me tell you something straight.

You are going to give your partner ED and you will turn him right off if you pressurise him and sulk and manipulate like this!

Imagine if you were a man and it was your female partner you are talking about?!

You are right on some fronts: the first few years loved up couples are in the honeymoon phase and are usually at it like rabbits.

You are already frustrated and it sounds like you want to be at it like rabbits still but he has moved quickly into the established, more routine phase.

Unfortunately due to the high use of porn as an outlet for sexual desires, particularly selfish ones, a lot of men are falling short on wanting to give their partner a satisfying session life especially if it requires more effort than they want to give!

Any partner, make or female who is overtly or covertly pressurised into more sex than they want or are confident with will end up avoiding you, turning to porn or masturbation just to avoid the stress and of being judged.

I will be honest if the roles were reversed and a woman (and they are many threads about it) were dealing with this they would be called potentially sexually abusive. You are manipulating him into sex and emotionally blackmailing him when he doesnt and are thinking of having affairs. Its certainly emotionally abusive

The problem is you are equating sex with love and affection and the fact he doesnt feel it it as a slight on you. You need counselling to get to the bottom of this intensity otherwise you will either damage your relationships or you could end up in an abusive one yourself because of it

but I want to have sex with you at any opportunity, I don’t want it to be a set number of times a week - I want you to find me irrisistable

This sounds like it isn't really about the sex. You haven't mentioned anywhere desiring him or wanting sex for your satisfaction - just to feel wanted and desired, or as proof of your attractiveness.

Do you think you could be buying into this idea that men are constantly up for sex, and if he doesn't want it it must be because of you? In my experience, this really isn't true and men have all kinds of reasons not to be up for sex at any particular point - just like women.

Would it help if you explained to him that it is about validation or feeling attractive, and he could make more of an effort to be vocally complimentary - I'm sure he thinks you're gorgeous, would it help if he told you more?

So definitely do not move in together!!

Rethink who is going to be your lifelong partner.

You might find sex dries up completely once you move in together.

Surely it’s better to be honest than to make up some reason? What else am I supposed to say at that point?

The issue is being visibly upset the day after he didn't have sex to the point that he notices and comments on it. Most people are capable of sticking a smile on if they don't want to get into a discussion about something.

Op your dp is happy with the amount of sex and the frequency
The frequency isn't in anyway related to his attraction to you
Their isn't any other reason to try and understand through asking him next morning after a tearful night.
He answered this honestly and it seems not that you don't understand it's that you don't want to understand.
You want more from him more than he wants to give! And the reasoning behind this can be as simple as he's tired, stressed, looking forward to sleeping and is satisfied with his current sex life.

Op you need to work on you and your need for sex to feel attractive.
Your self esteem needs building irrespective of whether you are having sex or not with your dp as this is an awful lot of pressure to put on one person : "the keeper of your attractiveness "

Just to add, I'm not suggesting pretending everything is fine and dandy is the solution because that isn't healthy either, but that the issue is yours to deal with either through therapy or moving on. Putting the burden on him because it's 'better to be honest' is pressuring and unfair.