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Original poster

To make an ultimatum with DC?

203 replies

bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 12:54

No IPad no snacks nothing else 'positive' until she tidies her bedroom (been asking her to do this for 3 days now to no avail)

And WIBU to start confiscating the things she is not looking after like jewellery and hair things etc. Felt tip pens she won't put the lids back on etc. Until she learns to look after them?

She is 5 but has been tidying her own room since two (assisted at 2yrs and 3yrs, unassisted since)

OP posts:
AlphaBravo · 27/10/2018 13:03

She's 5. Why are you punishing her at all instead of making it a game/fun?

Original poster
bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 13:07

Because she has broken loads of her toys on purpose, destroyed her gifts, and I just discovered torn up the contents of her record of achievement folder. All I am asking her to do is tidy her toys up on a daily basis and she won't do it. She always has done and I can't get involved.

Literally in tears over all the things she has ruined. I can't even go in there. It's breaking my heart.

OP posts:
Original poster
bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 13:09

I just tried To go sort out her jewellery and hair things box and found all her posters ripped down etc. She has no respect for me or her things her space boundaries etc. I am at my wits end honestly.

OP posts:
Redcliff · 27/10/2018 13:12

I would just leave her to it - anything broken don't replace. Maybe say "no screen untill it is sorted" and don't make a big deal of it.

Redcliff · 27/10/2018 13:13

But don't do the snack thing - withdrawing food as a punishment is not the way to go.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 27/10/2018 13:14

She is 5. If she can't look after things properly dont let her have them. Crayons instead of felts, you look after her hair stuff.

Believeitornot · 27/10/2018 13:16

My dcs couldn’t manage this at 5 because they had too much stuff which I enabled!

Have you taught her where things go? Have you bought her less things? Have you helped her at all?
As for tearing up her record of achievement - poor kid probably doesn’t like herself much.

Roll your sleeves up and help her.

SnuggyBuggy · 27/10/2018 13:16

Id remove the broken stuff and not replace it for a while

drinkygin · 27/10/2018 13:20

I’m with you OP. At five she knows how to put her own toys away and is more than capable of doing so (especially as she’s done it unaided for some time). I would tell her no iPad until she does it. It’s not a punishment, an iPad is a privilege that’s earned in my opinion. No tidy toys, no iPad.

GoodbyeSummer · 27/10/2018 13:21

She sounds really angry and I don't think punishing her will help; in fact it will likely make things worse. You probably need to find out why she's angry somehow, make her feel loved (even if you don't particularly like her much right now, she doesn't need to know or feel that) and help her. Help her tidy up, get rid of the broken toys, repair the certificates and reduce the amount of stuff age has. Then praise, praise, praise as much as you can whilst still maintaining boundaries.

Pfingstrose · 27/10/2018 13:24

When I have tried everything (encouragement, reason, bribes, begging etc) and eventually reach the end of my tether I set a timer for x (fair) amount of time and tell them I’ll be back with a bin liner for anything not tidied away by the time the buzzer goes off. If it’s not tidied away I’ll assume it’s not wanted.

Harsh, but it’s amazing how fast they get the job done if you are standing over them with a bin liner looking like you mean it...

Original poster
bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 13:27

I am going to take everything out but the cuddlies and plastic toys and go from there. She's always been good at looking after her stuff, knows to put things away after she's used them etc.

The snacks thing is kind of a separate issue because she's refusing to eat meals and this is also causing a strain (she takes snacks out the cupboards without asking, including in the middle of the night last night when I thought she was asleep).

I was just about to get more of her toys out of storage, learning games etc. But if she can't respect the things she has that can wait.

She's also broken some of my things. I'm waiting for a referral for support and counselling for her but honestly I don't know how much more I can take.

Every effort I make she thwarts. I have hung posters of her favourite characters etc. Which she ripped down. Made a house for her teddies and toys in a suitcase which she has now broken the case by jumping on it.

She didn't want to share with her brother but still has the biggest room. I have to store some other things in there due to space issues as other rooms are tiny and she's destroyed all that stuff too, including crumbling crackers up in all the clean washing yesterday which I had put in there temporarily until I got the chance to sort it out.

OP posts:
Thisreallyisafarce · 27/10/2018 13:28

Remove the stuff and have her earn it back an item at a time by good behaviour and jobs. She may have more in there than she can cope with.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 27/10/2018 13:28

I can't get involved.

I don't mean to sound goady but why can't you get involved? She's 5. At that age they still need to be taught/reminded how to tidy and take care of things.

Remove 'precious' things so that she can't destroy them, then stop taking it so personally - refusing to go into her room because it breaks your heart seems overly dramatic given you're the adult. Sit in the middle of the room with her with a bin bag and help her tidy, show her how to take care of her stuff and don't ever use food as a reward/punishment.

Stompythedinosaur · 27/10/2018 13:31

5 is quite little, I think you should be helping her really. Can't you tidy it together? Making it a game works well.

Pfingstrose · 27/10/2018 13:35

I actually find less is more when it comes to toys in rooms anyway. I started rotating stuff- toys they hadn’t so much as glanced at in ages became interesting and fun again after a spell stored in the garage.

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 27/10/2018 13:39

I was expecting it to be early teenager you were talking about,but 5?!?

Remove all the broken stuff, stop keeping snacks in the house or keep them up on top of the fridge/cupboard, and don't use food as a punishment.

My 5 year old is expected to at least help tidy up her own mess, no way do I expect her to keep her room tidy by herself. Do you give clear instructions ie please put your hair stuff in the drawer and the cuddlies in their box? Or is it a vague tidy up this mess, and she doesn't even know where to start?

5 is a big age, they are finishing nursery/starting school, lots of growing again etc. My DD had a couple of months of pretending to be a baby again which I put down to realising that she was getting bigger and it being a big thing to process in her brain.

How much time does your DD get with you, without her brother? Is she enjoying school/nursery or are there problems there too? Is all this just a small person's way of getting some attention?

Grilledaubergines · 27/10/2018 13:40

Go in there with her, with a couple of bin bags. Make her put all the damaged toys, books etc in there and the make her carry them to the bin with you, so she can see just how much she has broken. Then both of you tidy/clean her room. Do not replace the broken items, not just for a while, but ever. It’s one thing to have all her tits out and just be untidy, but destructive is something else. She needs to see and feel the impact of that.

Original poster
bumblebee39 · 27/10/2018 13:46

I haven't had to help her for 2 years now. And I mean, every lid back on every felt tip, everything back in the right box, puzzle pieces counted and put away etc. Etc.

I have tried the bin bag thing (even put all her toys in a bag and went as though to put it out) and she literally didn't care, still refused to even make her bed in order to get them back or anything. I ended up getting it out the bin and washing everything so maybe the issue was no follow through but I didn't want to leave her with nothing.

I know what's causing the issue, me and my ex splitting up, but I have and had no control over that and seem to have no control over the fall out.

I am so angry/hurt right now. I know it sounds melodramatic, I probably am being but I just feel defeated. The time and energy I have invested to make her like her space and she can't just put things away.
I mean, I thought I had this helpful, creative, tidy, kind child and now I'm dealing with daily tantrums and the worst behaviour I have ever seen in a child her age ever.

I feel like I don't know her at all. I'm just starting all over again from the beginning as though I hadn't put in years of effort into parenting her right,
I don't have the energy right now. I have so much on my plate and this just seems like the icing on the cake.

I never would have trusted her with those things if I thought she wouldn't look after them. I know I need to calm
Down and go in there later but I will have to tidy it myself this time because I can't trust myself not to get angry/frustrated if I find other things that really mattered to me (and not so long ago her) trashed.

Then I will remove hair things jewellery etc. And set up a little space somewhere else for her where she can get ready and so I can supervise. And I will put whatever's left of the record of achievement folder with my paperwork.

Then she can start "earning" things back. The rest of her toys and books etc. And her games and things as well as her screen time.

OP posts:
itsboiledeggsagain · 27/10/2018 13:47

She sounds totally overwhelmed and also like you let her call the shots. Put some boundaries in place, remove anything but essentials from her room and set a standard of behaviour that you enforce.

She doesnt need posters etc, and you should keep precious things like the record of achievement elsewhere.

Juells · 27/10/2018 13:50

She is 5 but has been tidying her own room since two

Holy shit, I can't believe what I'm reading :( The poor little mite. :(

Grilledaubergines · 27/10/2018 13:50

Ok, so the split can explain her behaviour but the the worst thing you can do is to make allowances for that in terms of lessening standards for behaviour. Do that, and she’ll run rings around you forever. No matter how bad you feel, you put a face on which says business as usual, so far as she can see. She needs to know that life is going on as normal.

KumquatQuince · 27/10/2018 13:51

Why has a 5 year old got an iPad? Why are you using food as a punishment? Why are you expecting a 5 yo to tidy her room? YABU on so many levels.

WitchyMcWitchface · 27/10/2018 13:51

Is DlittleB a goody two shoes who can do no wrong?
5 is a tiny toot. Just because you have a littler one doesn't mean she is now grown up.
But herbehaviour does seem extreme. But perhaps stop the stand offs until she has been assessed.

otterturk · 27/10/2018 13:54

She's 5, she doesn't need screen time at all. Sounds tough though OP x

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