To make an ultimatum with DC?

[bumblebee39]

No IPad no snacks nothing else 'positive' until she tidies her bedroom (been asking her to do this for 3 days now to no avail)

And WIBU to start confiscating the things she is not looking after like jewellery and hair things etc. Felt tip pens she won't put the lids back on etc. Until she learns to look after them?

She is 5 but has been tidying her own room since two (assisted at 2yrs and 3yrs, unassisted since)

Sounds like a lovely helpful little girl who is going through hell and doesn't know how to cope. Of course she is angry.

You need to consult someone about parenting, your way isnt working.

I'm on the ap and don't know how to report on here but will if and when I get the opportunity to get on my laptop and asked to be moved to relationships.

Had a good sleep last night in the end and feeling refreshed today to start again. I mean, I have been reading about therapeutic parenting and trying to take something positive from yesterday. This has been a roller coaster week, yesterday especially and I am relieved for school tomorrow and that I'll be able to get on top of things in the house and also that she'll get a break and it will be less intense.

I'm also excited now (was worried) about meeting with the school about support for her, using the health visitors outreach service to get some help from home, and hopefully finally getting everything I can in place to help things improve at home.

I think there's a lot said for a positive mental attitude. She seems much happier and more relaxed this morning and so does my son. Both met me with beaming smiles and demands for food 😂

Literally the best sleep I've had in ages. No bad dreams or flashbacks and woke up with a "can do" attitude unlike the overwhelmed feeling I woke up with yesterday.

He will not win. I will not let him. He may have wanted to divide and conquer but we will be a strong unit without him even if it kills me!

That sounds great, bumblebee - but remember, baby steps on her part, as she's still got a LOT to process and it's not going to be linear - there will be steps forward AND backwards, but so long as the main trend is forwards, you're winning! And you will.

We'll move this to relationships for you now, OP.

Thank you xx

Well done @bumblebee39 you've reflected on what's going on around you and are ready to make changes. You sound like a great mum and you will get there. Be patient with yourself and your kids because you'll have good days and bad days but as long as you try to remember what you are going through and that all behaviour is communication, you will establish a new normal and show your ex once and for all that you are better off without him.
Good luck 

Thanks @PrincessJuanita

I think things may get worse before they get better in some ways but as you said all communication is communication! It might not all be positive but at least we are opening up. And she is. God that child must have been buttoned up so tight she was suffocated... I know that's how I felt and I'm not as sensitive as a child would be.

No more militant parenting... Peace and love, boundaries and respect from here on out and that's a two way river.

She's not going to have any respect for her things until she does for herself. Likewise me worrying more about things and "symbols" is getting in the way of the real work that needs doing here. Building whole people back up, building a life back up, building a new kind of family.

She'll get more jewellery pens and certificates. I will not get another opportunity to handle this right. We have been in "crisis" but now we are in "repair"

It is so frustrating when people just leave a comment having obviously not read the full thread. If the thread is too long for you to want to read maybe use your brain and think that someone has probably already said what you are going to say.

bumblebee - you have been through so much and your dcs too. Bloody well done for getting away from your x. That is hands down the best thing you could do for your children. And well done for opening up so much here. Your dcs are lucky to have you. You are all going through a lot. You are intelligent and self aware and a great mum. Your dd is confused and angry and you now know more than you did yesterday. ‘Things’ are not important but I suspect you wanting her to have so many nice things and keep it all nice probably goes back to your own childhood as well as you and her both reacting to how things were with your x. It sounds like you went through a lot as a child too.

Hope today is a better day.

I think for me mess and broken things are indicators of things falling apart
That's hard for me to accept when I want to be the glue holding it all together and my experiences as a child are going to impact that of course. I think I needed to come to a place of acceptance around the things being things. It's hard when I've had to fight so hard to keep those things and then they end up destroyed anyway, but they are just things.
I think where we've lost so much just one more thing is a catalyst for my own feelings of fear/despair/anger/frustration to bubble to the surface and then it becomes a battle of wills.

Today we have "agreed" we will tidy her room together once she's had her iPad time. I think that's her space where she feels "normal" and can forget that her whole world has been turned upside down as she does her learning games with her favourite characters and therefore I think it's something I will keep letting her have in moderation as it helps to keep one thing from changing.

I'm glad she wants to tackle her room. It was her idea not mine so I am taking her lead when it comes to her space today.

Meals etc. I am sticking to my guns and serving 3 square meals and not providing an endless supply of snacks but hopefully a nice sit down dinner tonight will be a positive and it's one of her favourite dinners.

I don't need the room back and have got my things out of there completely. I like my room better anyway as its by the front door. Even with it locked and the chain on I still want to be close by just in case.
I have stopped being "on guard" but am still a little bit more hypervigilant than normal and want to be by the front door if that makes sense?
I don't want to explain to her my reasoning. I have told her instead it's because mummy gets the best cupboard for all her special things and she seems to have accepted that as an acceptable reason.
She has a lot more stuff than me anyway. I don't need room for toys and playing, and my room is away from DCs so I can play music chat on the phone etc. Without disturbing anyone.

I've told her its mummy's special haven and she comes in for our special talks and cuddles but otherwise respects that it is my space and that we both need our own space.

I think the "boss" stuff will come. I don't think the bedroom size needs to have anything to do with it. I think it's to do with the boundary setting etc.

I think I need some serious schooling in parenting right. My ex used to think his combination of fear/punishment and hard won praise was the perfect formula. It wasn't. She did what she was told for all the wrong reasons.

You've reflected so hugely on this thread - that really bodes well for the future. May I suggest you look into some form of parenting classes? Where I live, there are classes specifically aimed at parents dealing with family breakup situations. You can get referred by your GP or HV. I took one earlier this year because I had my alcoholic H removed from our house and wanted to do the very best to support my teenage DDs, but there were parents in the group with DCs ranging from toddler age upwards. It was supportive and I learned a lot despite my DDs being much less traumatised than yours.

In general I think you are heading in the right direction and reading up on what you and your DCs are going through will help. You've already proved that you can take some pretty harsh criticism on board and realise changes need to be made. Just carry on ignoring those posters who haven't bothered to RTFT.

@pointythings I asked my health visitor and they recommended 1:1 support from their service as it would be more specific to my circumstances than a parenting class. I did ask about them but was recommended to do 1:1 instead for the time being at least X

If 1:1 is on offer for you then take it! I suggested classes because that's the default option, but your HV is right to offer you more than that. I think you're doing brilliantly to have taken so much on board since starting this thread.

Some of it was already in play, the referrals etc. I think I knew that things weren't working already so it's easier to change when you know that's what you need already.

Having read all your updates I just want to wish you well with your DD.

When I kicked out my abusive ex it took me a good while to just stop reacting and start healing. I "reset" myself to how I was before we met. I'd stopped wearing certain clothes, putting on certain style of makeup etc. I did it all and went outside, just to the shop and back. Then again and again until I could start making my own decisions about my look.

A PP suggestion about going back to treating her like a baby, not in a bad way, I think sounds good. A bedtime routine of sitting with her til she falls asleep until she is secure enough to start leaving the room as she is settled but not quite asleep, helping her with things and not expecting them done etc. Lots of praise and cuddles.

You will get through this.

Thanks @TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup

I know this is all a process and I just need to be patient and listen to my own needs and my kids needs more instead of running on auto pilot.

I have "rebelled" against some of his "rules" myself like your saying about what I should wear etc. And am sure In many ways she's doing the same.

I know from experience (own, and others’) that lone parenting can have its own joys if you hang in there. No more disagreements etc over child rearing, no need to meet Male expectations re housework and meals or suitability of your friends he dislikes, no more hurtful put downs .
Sure, sometimes you feel there’s no me time but the sense of freedom is wonderful.
Good luck and stay strong

Thanks @Ngaio2 I actually prefer being on my own I am looking forward to making all the decisions regarding DC3. I had antenatal depression with DC2 (and a bit of post natal) which I think was due to my ex's demands for a perfect house (nothing less than show home standard) , me to be dressed nicely makeup on etc., DC likewise, and limited social interactions all of which he had to be in control of. As well as gourmet dinner at the end of every day and then demands for sex constantly etc. I was never allowed to just read or chill out everything had to be planned out.

I know that things are easier in many ways already. I can wear my pjs and drink hot drinks in the morning without being hassled (other than for food for DCs obviously) and can speak to friends and family again. I am making new friends as well and after how he would tell me "you're weird, you're socially inept, people don't warm to you" etc. Etc. I can see he's wrong. I make friends easily and my social anxiety was mostly something he played on and has mostly disappeared in his absence.

I find it easier dealing with professionals and don't beat myself up so much over details (most of the time). I know it's a long road to "recovery" for all of us but we are getting there I think.

The biggest thing that's been affected is my bond with my kids. He purposefully isolated me from them. I think he was jealous. He disrupted breastfeeding in every way he could with DC2 and I ended up FF him. Honestly I think this all came out of his jealousy of me being with anyone but him, even our kids.,

Sounds crazy but he was crazy and he made me crazy the whole thing was bat shit mad and we couldn't be anywhere better than as far as we can be from him.

just looked in for an update op, you sound so much brighter already...glad you are feeling better and had some sleep, l'm sure you will be fine, keep looking back at all the good advice here from everyone, sometimes the MN army are a good bunch and very supportive!

Thanks @Dragongirl10 I am and will do. Feeling a lot lighter and unburdened since posting yesterday. I think I needed it so thanks everyone xx

This evenings battle has been picked over dinner. She decided she didn't want to join me and DS for dinner. I have kept reaffirming that She should be sat down at the table and eating her dinner and when she walked off again I just said "you should be eating with us, this is your dinner, there is nothing else until it is eaten." Responses "I'm not hungry/I'm not sitting at the table/ I don't like it/I don't want it" etc. I just said "please come sit down at the table with us and eat your dinner, there is nothing else until it's eaten" ad infinitum.

Well half of it was eaten. It's cold now but she's gone back to it. I don't know if this is a battle won or lost but it felt like I made it clear what was expected, didn't threaten any punishments and just kept firm and clear throughout. Progress, I think. It would have been so easy to tell her off/ remove privileges etc. But instead of a battle of wills it's been an entirely different evening.

I don't know if this is the right way to go about it though? It seemed like the natural way to go about it so that a) there was no big emotional meltdown and b) me and DS got to eat dinner and c) I set the standard of what is expected without being punitive.

Just got to get through bath bed etc. Now then hope there's no battle to get her to school in the morning.... I am so tired but glad there's been no big dramas today just a calm and steady chipping away at things...

Erm you are describing a stroppy teen who understands time and responsibilities but a 5 yo. I She is still a baby and you should be mothering her more.

As for iPads these can wait for 7 yrs plus 5 is too early she sounds completely over stimulated

Why would you withhold food as a punishment?

All behaviour is communication: she is telling you she is distressed. You know she has real reason to be. Reframe this: she is distressed and trying to show you her inner distress. Don't replace things she destroys but don't punish her. Hold her close and reassure her that she can't destroy things but you still love her and you won't leave her.

You handled that exactly right. Calm, boundaries in place, controlled. That's a win. It's how you work with toddlers - think of her as having regressed - it's understandable.

Didn't RTFT. Hope my advice helped and sorry if it sounded a bit snarky as I didn't realise you were having such a tough time.