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Original poster

My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

214 replies

Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 22:49

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 26/10/2018 22:51



wtf2015 · 26/10/2018 22:51

So sorry this has happened. Did anything precipitate this tonight?

Glossymare · 26/10/2018 22:51

I’m so sorry op, it must have come as a complete shock. Do you have family or a friend you can get support from?

Jamct23 · 26/10/2018 22:53

I’m so sorry to hear this and to be really honest I don’t have any decent advice, has he only just mentioned divorce today? I ask only because maybe sleeping alone in the spare bed for a few nights might give him some thinking space on what he’s suggesting? Does he have a stressful job or anything going on that could be causing an issue that maybe he’s taking out on you at home? I really hope everything works out for you x

Thebluedog · 26/10/2018 22:54

Sorry you’re going through this op Flowers

I think you need time to think and digest this, can he move out tomorrow and give you some space?

Don’t do the ‘pick me dance’ he needs to understand what he’s losing if he continues down this road, tell him to leave and get some real life support too, tell family and friends. I know that it somehow makes it final but you need support

Rednaxela · 26/10/2018 22:56

What an utter twat. Having young kids is bloody hard work. He decided to have them!

Kids being young is a phase, does he get that in any way? I'd be in there screaming it in his face tbh.

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 22:56

wft2015 - We had an argument last week and since then he's been off with me. Over the last few months we've spoken about how to improve things but never once was I aware that he was so unhappy that this was coming. Indeed, he's been very loving over the last few months.

Glossymare - I have lots of friends and a close family but I don't know if I want to speak to them. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. I know I shouldn't but I do. I thought we had a great life and this is such a failure.

OP posts:
madmum5811 · 26/10/2018 22:56

This is the hardest time when you have two small ones the sex falls off, there is tiredness it makes you different people. It does pass of course but he does not seem prepared to wait. Friends nearly split up last year over this, luckily financial necessity kept them together, they now appear to be over the hump. You both need to talk....

Sohardtochooseausername · 26/10/2018 22:57

I’m so sorry. What a shitebag. You must be tired a lot of the time looking after small children and hoping he’ll be grateful to you.

He sounds like he’s hiding the real problem - do you suspect there could be someone else?

TittyBoneGhoul · 26/10/2018 22:57

You poor thing.
I would assume he has someone else lined up and thinks the grass is greener...

madmum5811 · 26/10/2018 22:57

If you cannot talk, compose letters to each other to be read when the other person is not around so you can absorb the facts.

bluebell34567 · 26/10/2018 22:59

do you think there is an ow?

doodledott · 26/10/2018 22:59

Sadly, and I really do feel for you OP, I'd also assume that there is someone else and he is 'clearing the way.'

You will be okay.

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 22:59

Thanks for such quick replies. Rednaxela - oh yes, I haven't got through to him that a [stressful] house move and young children puts a lot of strain on relationships. I keep pointing out that it's part of being married and we work through this but he just doesn't see it the same way.

Thebluedog - I know, I'm trying to have some pride but I'm also desperate for this not to happen. Him moving out isn't realistic though - we couldn't afford it.

Jamct23 - Yes, first mention of divorce was tonight. He's been in the spare room all week but that apparently was because he had a lot of early starts and didn't want to disturb me ... His job is busy but he's not mentioned feeling stressed.

OP posts:
LavenderBush · 26/10/2018 23:00

So sorry you are going through this.

In about 99% of threads like this it does seem to turn out that there is another woman. So it's probably not you. It's probably her.

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 23:02

I did think that there was someone else but he swears (on the kids) that there isn't. My gut actually believes him but my head says this could be why the coldness and fait accompli approach. However I'd like to assume not for now.

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 26/10/2018 23:03

That’s such a massive decision to make based on not very much.

Is he usually involved in family life, pitching in with parenting and housework etc?

Has his moods changed (depression), his job changed (stress)?

I think you do need to tell someone close to you and get legal advice, then consider what you can do to ensure you and the dc are not shafted.

If he’s adamant he wants a divorce and doesn’t want to seek any sort of resolution other than that I’d be inclined to think there maybe someone else waiting in the wings.

CallMeRachel · 26/10/2018 23:06

He's way ahead of you here. He's likely got someone else. The picture he's painted doesn't add up.

There's nothing wrong with you, it's him that's changed because his head has been turned.

There's a script.

I'm so sorry 

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 23:06

fuzzywuzzy - Yes, he's very involved in everything, can't fault him on his performance as a father.

God, if there is OW then that first rush of lust/thrill is so overpowering I'm never going to win.

I just can't believe he would want to give up what we have and the lovely family we've created. I can't think what would be worst - an OW or the reasons he's given.

OP posts:
Jamct23 · 26/10/2018 23:07

I bet that felt like such a bomb being dropped on you. It sounds like you really want to make it work, could a family possibly take the children for the day/night to give you some time over the weekend to discuss it? Even scream at each other at the top of your lungs without the little ones there? I personally would want to get right to the bottom of it and if he still feels the same way once you have had it out with him then maybe try being just as stubborn as he is. Why should you be made to feel the one to have to fix it all back together x

SquiggPig · 26/10/2018 23:08

Im thinking there is someone else too Sad
IME men rarely just decide they want a divorce out of the blue, particularly if as you say, it's going to be difficult financially.
I hope I'm wrong.

Jamct23 · 26/10/2018 23:09

I meant to say a family member not just a random family Blush

MawkishTwaddle · 26/10/2018 23:09

Cherchez la femme.

Sorry, OP 

NotTheFordType · 26/10/2018 23:12

I did think that there was someone else but he swears (on the kids) that there isn't.

Yeah mine did that. I asked him "So you've sworn on DDs life that you haven't contacted X woman. I have the screenshots here to prove that you have. Is there something specific you'd like me to tell DD about why I'm killing her or shall I just leave it as a non-specific your dad is a faithless fuckhole and he'd rather you die than admit he's been unfaithful"?

I'd like to think I taught him not to swear on his children's life, but lets be honest I probably didn't.

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 23:13

I'm genuinely at a loss of what more I could say to him. Short of begging (which I almost was). He just kept on repeating "I just don't see how you could change". I did point out that it can't all be me and he agreed that he's not perfect but he's the one that's unhappy so by default I'm part of the cause.

OP posts: