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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

214 replies

Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 22:49

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

OP posts:
BerriesandLeaves · 26/10/2018 23:13

Please don't blame yourself. As others have said having kids that age is bloody hard work and it gets easier as they grow older (IME) It's a phase you have to get through and buggering off during it instead of seeing it through is cowardly and not being a good dad.

CallMeRachel · 26/10/2018 23:17

Ask to see his phone/laptop immediately

His reaction to that will tell you everything you need to know.

Look at battery usage.

Orlandointhewilderness · 26/10/2018 23:18

You don't need to change - there is nothing wrong with you. I'm sorry OP. I think OW as well.

JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 26/10/2018 23:18

If he's so keen to leave then help him out by packing his stuff. He want's to leave so he can leave. It is intolerable to have him hang around when he has said that.
In the meantime cease providing any services to him - no cooking, no washing. If there is someone you can tell, do so and soon - it will feel better than having to pretend everything is ok.

When the realization of what divorce actually means hits him he might backpeddle but I can't see a way back.

And the 'swearing on their childrens lives' that they aren't being unfaithful when they are is so common its almost a meme.

BatFacedOK · 26/10/2018 23:19

'You're right, I can't change. Now, when will you be moving out? It needs to be ASAP because you don't get to call the shots around here'

Tell him the above. That should concentrate his mind a bit. Don't let him tell you he wants to divorce you because your personality no longer suits him and then let him stay in the family home.

He's the one upsetting the Apple cart so he's the one who has to go. To his parents or a friends. Whatever.

Don't let him have his cake and eat it too and then lick out the mixing bowl. I'd be suspicious of another woman I think but you know him and whether this is something that is a possibility

You just need to play hard ball with him for now. He honestly can't get away with dropping this bombshell on you whilst blaming you for it and then expect to hole up in the spare room

Rebecca36 · 26/10/2018 23:19

I really feel for you. I wish someone older and wiser would give him a shake and tell him it's often like that when you have young kids but improves later. He can't see that and is being immature.

Good luck whatever happens. Flowers

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2018 23:20

Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

Convenient that you're the one COMPLETELY at fault. Just that alone makes him seem like an arsehole, to be honest.

Let him get on with it. Don't beg him.

I would write him 1 (just one) quite unemotional (if you can manage it) email saying that you want to go for counselling, that he's giving up without putting up a fight, that you don't agree it is so broken it can't be fixed but that you recognise it is his decision and if he won't work with you then he needs to be aware that the divorce will not be amicable.

AjasLipstick · 26/10/2018 23:21

It's a terrible thing to do to someone you're meant to love and someone you've built a family with. There is NO need for YOU to feel ashamed.

He's the one walking away from you all and he's the one people will look at with scorn.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 26/10/2018 23:21

OW for sure. He's probably not fucked her yet but is in emotional affair, possibly with touching/kissing but no full blown sex hence he can swear on kids life no OW. 100% there is. Sorry OP.

Thebluedog · 26/10/2018 23:22

You might not be able to afford him moving out, but that’s not your problem any more. If he’s so keen to divorce then I’d start sorting out when he’s looking after the dc, 50:50 if he’s insisting he’s staying in the house. This will give you chance to have some time to yourself.

I bet he’s thinking he can stay in the house, have his food cooked and clothes washing, come and go as he pleases whilst you look after the dc. Stop all that now, he wants out the give it to him. I’d start by packing his bags and shipping him off to his mum or friends.

Annandale · 26/10/2018 23:23

I'm always slightly amazed at the suggestions for him to move out so that he can see what he's missing. IMO this is a big step.

I would go back to the counselling suggestion. I would suggest that he owes you that as it's been a complete shock to you. TBH I think it often doesn't help put a relationship back together if someone is determined to go. But I am certain it helps end a relationship in a more manageable way. And once in a blue moon with a good counsellor I think it can allow a different ending.

NoSquirrels · 26/10/2018 23:23

And yes - don't let him stay. He wants to blow things up, he needs to give you the space to process that.

Leave the children with him for the weekend. Go to a hotel, or a friend's, or family. Don't be proud or ashamed. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Tell him he has the weekend to sort out somewhere to stay from next week.

Thebluedog · 26/10/2018 23:23

I’d also be telling him that you’ll look after the dc tomorrow and he gets all day Sunday with them.

NorthernLurker · 26/10/2018 23:25

I agree there is somebody else, either he's having an affair or he has the person with the wonderful personality all lined up.
I'm sorry op, this sucks. I agree you should tell him to move out. He wants out, he needs to leave.

KumquatQuince · 26/10/2018 23:26

I’m so sorry OP I thought OW too. It’s typical behaviour to blame you for the marriage breaking down so that he feels less guilty for having someone else. It’s very cruel of him. I think the only thing you can do is ask him if he’s really prepared to break your family up for the reasons he’s given and can you not sort it out for the sake of the kids if anything? So sorry this is happening to you Flowers

AjasLipstick · 26/10/2018 23:26

Squirrels my friend did that....left the house for 4 days because he was having an affair....and when she returned, he'd changed the locks and called the police when she tried to get in.

6 years later and she's still trying to get decent access to her children.

LatentPhase · 26/10/2018 23:26

Listen to Batface

You need real life support ASAP. He needs to leave and give you space.

Cease all Wifework immediately.

How cruel to lay this fait accompli at your door and blame it on you at the same time. That’s cold. And with such young children.

I would also lay money that he has had his head turned.

Flowers for you, OP. Do you have a best friend you can contact?

LatentPhase · 26/10/2018 23:27

The person sleeping in your spare room this weekend should be a best friend or family member.

Haffiana · 26/10/2018 23:27

I did point out that it can't all be me and he agreed that he's not perfect but he's the one that's unhappy so by default I'm part of the cause.

This is such bollocks that it proves there is OW. If he is the unhappy one then he needs to buck his ideas up and sort himself out so that he is an acceptable partner for you. How did it ever get to be your problem that you need to change for him?

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 23:27

Thanks for the messages. The ones about OW are painful to read as that is my biggest fear (funny how much weight I put on him swearing on the kids lives!).

Part of me is tempted to call his bluff and ask him to leave but I don't think he would and, although I work, I am financially dependant on him so it could become very difficult.

OP posts:
KeiTeNgeNge · 26/10/2018 23:29

Ask to have a look at his phone - his response will tell you all you need to know

PlinkPlink · 26/10/2018 23:30

Oh you poor thing OP.

It's not fair to suddenly spring this on you.

Have you asked to give it a go for say 8 weeks? See if things can prove.

Unfortunately, whilst reading this my mind did flit to the possibility of an OW... Very rare to suddenly up and leave without having a discussion beforehand/back up plan/other woman.

PersonaNonGarter · 26/10/2018 23:31

There’s another woman.

Main thing: it isn’t you, or anything you have done.

Please don’t get suckered in to believing it was because you always whinged about him playing squash or some other feeble bullshit. It wasn’t about that. It was about meeting someone, having chemistry and not pulling back. THATS IT.

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 23:32

If there is an OW he will have been careful and made sure that his phone has no evidence and then I'll look like a fool for asking.

OP posts:
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 26/10/2018 23:33

He will still have to pay maintenance - meanwhile check out all the benefits you are entitled to - get an appointment at the CAB if necessary.

If you tell people then hopefully they will help you in the short term with childcare and other practical aspects but the onus on him is to move out. I suspect if you pack his things and only cook for you and DCs love's young dream will soon sour.

But DON'T LEAVE THE HOUSE. You will have a right to remain there until the children are 18.

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