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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

214 replies

Numbandbroken · 26/10/2018 22:49

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

OP posts:
KatharinaRosalie · 27/10/2018 17:39

Men rarely decide to actually leave their wife when indulging on an affair.

True. But also, men very rarely leave their wives and families if there isn't an OW.

Orange6904 · 27/10/2018 17:42

Op, how are you doing today? Flowers

Taylor22 · 27/10/2018 17:44

Where are the stats to back up all this BS?

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 27/10/2018 17:54

I've been seeing my parents this afternoon and they are equally as shocked and blindsided as I am.

My approach (at the moment) is to ask him to come to couples counselling for the sake of our children. So that I can say hand on heart that I tried to save the relationship. If he declines then I am going to go to counselling myself anyway as I will need it to get over this (obviously not yet but in a while). All the other logistics are too scary to think of. But I will speak to a family lawyer just to understand what is what.

I know it's probably fruitless but I am so desperately holding onto hope that we can work through this. But the more I think of what he's said the more I can see he's possibly a lost cause as he's completely rewritten our last year into something I don't recognise.

Someone summed it up perfectly earlier up thread - we are (were?) just a normal couple with ups and downs Never for one second did I think he was so incredibly unhappy.

OP posts:
JohnMcCainsDeathStare · 27/10/2018 18:02

Counselling is a good idea - his response and interaction should he turn up will confirm you already know.

Please ignore the blameshifters - I think it is because you have young children and jobs that it sure as hell feels like a drudgefest with 2 under 4s and it is easy to forget that there is still supposed to be a relationship. But I suspect he is somewhat immature and has had his head turned. What's the betting 5 years from now love's young dream will have soured when he repeats with the OW the situation he is in right now...No one can go back to the past and I wonder what he's done to save the relationship?

Meanwhile, It's good you are starting to take action. Meanwhile, start sorting out any of this things mixed in with yours - he wants to leave - make him leave.

donajimena · 27/10/2018 18:06

If you feel counselling will make YOU feel better then of course go ahead. I think it will help. But I think you will be going alone. I'm sorry this has happened but I promise you that if this is over one day sooner than you may ever think possible you will thrive

Puzzledandpissedoff · 27/10/2018 18:09

FWIW I think you're being very wise, OP - the counselling should clarify whether there's a way forward and the legal advice will help you with what to do if there isn't

And the rewriting recent history into something you don't recognise is, I'm afraid, another well worn tactic; sometimes they convince themselves about how awful it's all been in an attempt to justify their own actions

Orange6904 · 27/10/2018 18:09

He should have spoken to you before now op if he was so unhappy. Mine said he was unhappy for a year apparently; news to me. I still don't know what the truth is. The only truth I know is that he stopped putting effort into our relationship because he was busy having an affair with a teenager at work (yuck).

Glad you have been at your parents, you need support right now as it is a big shock.

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 27/10/2018 18:13

@Puzzledandpissedoff that's what I fear. He totally believes his version. I'm not saying it's drastically different but he is only focusing on the negatives and remembers no happiness this last year. That really hurts. The fact that my friend and family are completely shocked just goes to show how far it is from their impressions too (I know that they don't live 24/7 with us but the amount we see them means he'll have been acting for a long time).

OP posts:
Original poster
Numbandbroken · 27/10/2018 18:14

I just don't want this. I don't want this life and I don't want this for my kids.

OP posts:
Hubbleisback · 27/10/2018 18:17

I am worried about you. Can somebody supportive move in for a while?

Original poster
Numbandbroken · 27/10/2018 18:19

I'm fine as in I'm not a risk to myself (or anyone else for that matter). I am in shock. I never in a million years thought this would happen to me. And I'm not even 24 hours in. 

OP posts:
Original poster
Numbandbroken · 27/10/2018 18:20

Sorry - I realise saying I "don't want this life" could be misconstrued. I mean it 100% as in my potential future set up not anything else.

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 27/10/2018 18:21

For 24hrs in you’re doing great, OP Flowers

mrcharlie · 27/10/2018 18:22

I've not read all the replies.
But if it was at all possible, I would take the kids and move out for a while, stay with other relatives, family, friends etc
Maybe the shock of coming home from work to a cold empty house will floor him and make him realise we should be careful what we wish for.
At any rate I'd make sure he begged for forgiveness

skyesayshi · 27/10/2018 18:30

OP, I was blindsided as you are, as were my friends and family. XH also refused to attend counselling and became a cold stranger.

It’s unfair when one party decides its over without giving the other a chance to work through it. Extremely unfair when DC are involved.

springydaff · 27/10/2018 18:35

I don't think he was unhappy op 🌸 💐

dontalltalkatonce · 27/10/2018 18:37

He sounds like he's following a script. You're likely to get nowhere with counselling as he has already rewritten history to make it your fault the marriage broke down. He needs to go.

Member477264 · 27/10/2018 18:41

Sorry Op, been there done that, and it all sounds wearily familiar. Hope you find some way to deviate from The Script but should it follow the well trodden path that so many of us recognise I am posting to recommend Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark. Somewhat dramatic title but I credit this book with saving my sanity in the aftermath and giving me the answers that my ex could not or would not. It was terrifyingly accurate and could have been written specifically for me. Both horrifying and strangely comforting to realise that you are far from being the first, or the last that this has happened to.

For my money AnnieAnoniMouse has said it all, coherently and incisively. I don’t think anyone has been scaremongering. Of course, relationships do break down but there is a huge difference between a relationship that has broken down and one that has simply been abandoned by one party and you will know which is true for you. Contrary to popular belief, whilst nobody is ever perfect in a relationship, responsibility is not always 50/50.

I wasted a lot of time trying to make sense of the few and often contradictory reasons he gave me whilst overlooking the only one that mattered because I couldn’t accept it “I need my life to be all about me”, he said. Sadly I think that for many men that is the case.

I hope for your sake that those of us who recognise the pattern are wrong. But if we are not, please prioritise counselling for yourself so that you can have the voice that he is currently denying you and a safe space to let it all out. And read the book!

No one wants this for their children. But sometimes you really don’t get a choice and you will find that there is life on the other side, and whilst it may not be the life you were expecting to have, it may yet turn out to be a better one.

Onecutefox · 27/10/2018 18:44

Very sorry to hear about it, OP. Flowers

Please no more talks about counseling. He probably has a mistress and that's why he is very persistent with the separation. All this self-pity is just bollocks. He is even trying to gaslight you making you look like you are always angry etc. So typical.

lifebegins50 · 27/10/2018 18:52

I need my life to be all about me

This is so accurate and ultimately what the underlying reason is likely to be.

I am so sorry, you won't be able to understand his thinking which is the biggest challenge you will face in dealing with this.

skyesayshi · 27/10/2018 18:54

Yes, I second “Runaway Husbands” too. Great book.

numberseven · 27/10/2018 18:56

Never for one second did I think he was so incredibly unhappy.

Well he probably wasn't. When my ex said that he'd been unhappy for years he was trying to justify running after a young woman. He admitted it later himself (when the young woman didn't want him after all).

Orange6904 · 27/10/2018 19:01

Op only 24 hours, be kind to yourself. I think the idea of staying with family might be good. I stayed on my own the first few days, barely coping at work then back home. It was a very dark time. You need people to talk to and give you support. All the best x

startingafresh1 · 27/10/2018 23:44

You've made it through today OP, and managed to share a little of what has happened with people IRL. You've done brilliantly.

FWIW I think your decision regarding seeing a counsellor and getting some legal advice is a good way forward.

It's understandable and natural to cling onto hope of resolving this. And of course there is a chance that this could happen. I think it's a good idea to try to balance this hope with a touch of scepticism too so that you don't get walked all over or taken advantage of.