My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

[Numbandbroken]

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

When my brother was seeing another woman he made an argument about nothing with his long term partner so he could flounce and blame it on her. She was baffled as she said he overreacted over something minor. But he was looking for an excuse to show their relationship was on the rocks when really he was moving onto the OW.

I hate to say this but it sounds like the same scenario, he is finding any excuse to argue while you are left feeling confused, blaming any unhappiness on you and also being adamant that nothing can be done as you are flawed beyond repair. It sounds like a classic OW script.

Some men do leave without another woman lined up but in my experience they are rare. Most men want the security of regular sex and they won’t give up a sexual relationship until there are sure of another (OW). They also are quite happy to keep sleeping with their wife’s virtually until the announcement. So although he’e been in the spare room this week, he very likely didn’t just meet her this week and up until very recently has been happy to be in bed with his wife.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that especially with more than 1 kid under 5, but particularly under having two under 3 affects the sex life of a couple because of the sleep deprivation and pure exhaustion. It does get better for most couples as the children grow.

childcare is going to be divided in half so you can rebuild your life

Fair enough.

Next outline his financial contribution expected to maintain the children at a realistic level

Why? If childcare and presumably associated costs are equally divided? Or is that what you’re referring to?

To the OP. I’m not sure if there is OW or not. A lot of posters seem convinced. If there is, the marriage is less salvageable I’d think.

With respect to his issue with intimacy and anger. These are genuine I’m guessing (from his POV). Many here advocate leaving a relationship if intimacy is mismatched. I get the stage of life (kids and new home) you’re in. But discussions were had, and little to no change occurred. I’m not agreeing with his actions btw, just trying to iterate that this is nexus of his issue. Further, I suspect if this was the issue (not taking into account the possibility for OW) the relationship is wholly salvageable if you both want it to be so. If one party has checked out (him) it’s not feasible to salvage the marriage.

For your sake, I hope there is no OW and you both (him mainly given your comments) commit to renew your bonds, trust and love.

Possible ow.
Read the script.

Does it matter if there is an OW or not, all these 'sage' MNers repeating it ad infinitum, do you think that is helping?

OP, how very frightening and sad for you. The advice the mirror his cold attitude is goid I think. A shared childcare roster and a plan on him moving out would be where I would start in the morning.

Sofa well yes, it might matter.

If there's another woman in the wings, then it's highly possible OPs husband will move out quite soon. Meaning that she needs to take action tp protect her finances.

If there isn't another woman, there's much less pressure....most men won't move or make drastic changes until things are sorted.

I'm sorry this is happening and that he's being cruel and blaming it on you in such a way.
It's very strange that someone would just jump out of a relationship without giving you ANY chance to fix it if he didn't have something else in mind.
Regardless of the reasons why I think he's doing it I would say you can't beg someone into a relationship. If he wants to go let (make) him go. As many have said before he doesn't get to have his cake and eat it. Can't afford to move out? You're not a team anymore (at his request), so not your problem. He still has to pay towards the children's care. And in the meantime no buying, making food, washing clothes for him or sorting out anything that relates to him. That's what divorced means, not getting the same as before and a licence to do what he wants.
You can make yourself ill trying to understand/change/convince him to stay, but this hasn't come out of the blue for him and I very much doubt that anything you do can change his mind if he has decided to tell you.
Look for support OP of someone you can rely on (someone's suggestion of having a trusted friend/family member stay over might help you cope and embarrasse him).

The fact that he has been normal and loving up to relatively recently, to me means that his saying all the negative things about your personality suddenly is him lying and making excuses. Why do men do this lie and blame shift in a short space of time? Because they have met an OW. This is classic script behaviour OP. Sorry but it is.

You are not describing to us a slow waining of interest on his behalf and because of this I suspect there is someone else or he has seen someone he wishes to persue and is (as another MN'er put it) clearing the way. It's shit but I would boot him out now and see how he likes them apples. The sooner you take decisive action the sooner the truth will come out. Scum always floats to the top!

This sounds a bit like me, except my children were a bit older. I suggest that you don't engage in any circuitous conversations with him. It will do your head in. Don't cook or wash for him. It will also do your head in. Ask him when he is going to move elsewhere, albeit temporarily. It is just too difficult to live with all the negative energy he will he directing your way. See a lawyer ASAP and get things nailed down, at least in part. He will be generous whilst he feels guilty but that will soon disappear. Tell him that you believe there is strong likelihood there is someone else and that you have no desire to hear anymore of his weasel words when actually his rationale is much more predictable. These are all things I wish I had done. Instead I let his messing about, hanging around planning his new life and indecision ruin my self esteem.

Hi OP

Me and my DP went through a similar thing regarding sex and affection and counselling really helped if you can convince him to go.

What that counselling showed me was how important these things are to men and how hurt they are when sex stops. I think a lot of MNers are minimising this because of their own experiences with shitty men.

My dp was bottling this up just the same and it all came out how deeply unhappy he was. He also went through periods of being very loving as well and, having spoken to him, these were his attempts to get a response from me and when they didn't work he just became more despondent.

However, we did survive by agreeing to make changes (both of us) in terms of communication and making an effort on my part, and now have a good sex life and happy relationship. This experience has really opened my mind to how emotionally important physical imtimacy is to men and how we ignore that at our peril.

Wishing you the best.

He might just not be in love with you anymore. It happens.
Be dignifiefd

Move on

I think hopoindown is right, to sex and affection withdrawn from you is very unpleasant. When women post on here it s happened to them there is an outpouring of sympathy.

You may be able to salvage his relationship.

@AjasLipstick

Squirrels my friend did that....left the house for 4 days because he was having an affair....and when she returned, he'd changed the locks and called the police when she tried to get in.

6 years later and she's still trying to get decent access to her children.”

I don’t know what country this took place in, but in the U.K., the OP would show the police her driving license or any other proof of her living at the address and the police would make the husband give the OP the new keys to the changed lock.

You cannot just throw out someone out of the marital home, even if they are not on deeds/mortgage. And if they change the locks, you can call the police on them to help you get back in your home. I can’t believe any court would look favourably at the party trying to lock out the other.

Does it matter if there is an OW or not, all these 'sage' MNers repeating it ad infinitum, do you think that is helping?

Actually it does matter. The OP said this was 'completely out of the blue', MN'ers are sharing their experiences to try and help the op see a possible reason why he was acting this way and show he is reflecting all the 'blame' onto her when that is not the case.

It must be very painful for op to read but forewarned is forearmed. I've been in situations where I was on the back foot and I was walked over. Op needs to be prepared for what is coming. I wish someone had prepared me.

I’m so sorry this has happened.

I’m also struck by the fact that he’s tried to raise issues with you in the past, but nothing changed. You sound like you didn’t take them all that seriously, dismissing them as just how life is when you have young kids. Well, maybe it is and maybe it isn’t.

My XH was shocked beyond belief when I left him. He would have said it was out of the blue. But the reality was that I’d tried again and again and again to tell him, and he chose not to hear. In counselling, I was able to give him the exact dates of every time I’d tried (I’m not good at thinking on my feet when I’m emotional, so had written summaries of the points I wanted to make), and even our counsellor told him that I’d made more than enough effort.

Counselling didn’t work for us. I was too checked out of our relationship by then.

'Out of the blue' seems to trigger the accusations of an OW. It seems that we just can't accept that sometimes us women are blissfully unaware of how much we are neglecting our relationships after children.

The fact is that the OP's OH has raised this several times before as an issue that he is unhappy with and she hasn't worked together with him to create any sustainable change to make their relationship better. This really isn't 'out of the blue' at all, the warning signs were there and haven't been taken seriously.

Lots of good advice of this thread OP. I hope you got some sleep.

Today will be a tough day, be as kind to yourself as you can. Take it a hour, or even a minute at a time.

Do consider chatting to someone IRL. I can only speak from personal experience but for me a combination of wisdom from mumsnet and chats and space to grieve with real life people got me through.

There is a lot to get your head around, take your time. It's fine to need a little time.

STBXH gave me that speech last year...swore no OW.... but of course there was.

Sounds harsh OP but as much as you don't want to split up, he has made his mind up and there is nothing you can do about it.

What you can do is get support from family and friends and start putting boundries in place.

I stopped doing "wife work" immediately. If l wasn't good enough to be his wife then l wasn't good enough to cook, clean, wash and iron his clothing.

I immediately instigated EOW for looking after the children - and l ensured l went away whilst he was still in the family home so l wouldnt get sucked in to doing anything.

Never forget his face when l said about EOW and half of school holidays are now his to sort out - he really thought he was going to be able to start his new single life with no responsibility to his kids.

@FishesThatFly great that you did that. I always wonder why this that men think they will be a parent when they want and not when they don't and have freedom in between, despite being at least half responsible for creating a human.

I know fathers rights weren't what they are now but it does seem tipped in their favour even in split (what a surprise).

OP, I'm afraid I also suspect an OW, not based on experience, more just the idea that he's willing to throw his family away and not at least try counselling first. He seems determined to leave, despite having very young children that need him.

If he's staying in the family home don't lift a finger for him, no dinner on the table, no clean shirts for work. He can't have it both ways. If you can, mirror his response, calm and cold and then organise your exit. Get legal advice.

It's so awful and I'm so sorry but you can take charge and get the best possible outcome for yourself and your kids.

I'm another one that would think there's another woman. I'm watching two friends go through this at the moment. I'd say get him to leave ASAP. Keep questioning him, I'm sure it will eventually come out, via oh we're just friends, no I haven't slept with her, of course I've slept with her I've already told you that. Main thing is, if you think you might want to take him back one day - if he's gone it's less likely that horrible things will have been said that can't be unsaid if you're not living under the same roof. It could be a classic mid life crisis and actually he doesn't know what he wants. What he says and what he means aren't necessarily the same thing. Tell your friends and family, it's not your fault this has happened 

Tell him to suck it up and be a man. You have two children. A divorce will ruin their happiness. He doesn’t get to prioritise his happiness over theirs.

Thanks everyone. I did manage to get some sleep. Woke up hoping it was a dream.
He's been normal this morning. Part of that may be for the benefit of the kids but he's literally been whistling at breakfast.
I've left to go shopping. He didn't seem surprised (I didn't tell him until I was walking out the door).

When I saw my children this morning it literally broke my heart. I would do anything for this not to happen.

I am so sorry you are going through this & you must feel like you have been hit by a truck :(
I’m sorry to say but IMO I think he’s having an affair & therefore has already met someone he wants to move on with .
Breakdown of relationships are never one persons fault ie yours - people do not split because the sex has dwindled a bit .
Sounds like you have some wonderful friends so let them support you through this

I should say that the last post will make him sound totally heartless. He's not. But when we have argued in the past he's very chirpy after as if he's acting happy. No idea if that applies to now.

And to the posters commenting about me not taking his complaints seriously - you are right. I did make an effort but it wasn't as much as I could. It's just the lack of wanting to try everything to sort this that I can't understand. I get he's unhappy but to be so closed off over what are surmountable issues is the thing I can't get my head round.

If you are shopping now stay out longer than you normally might. Can you go for coffee with a friend?

Sorry to hear your story and I hope that You find the inner strength to get through this.

I also suspect there is an OW. The behaving normally this morning and whistling may be because he now feels like a weight has been lifted by telling you he wants your marriage to be over. In his head that might be a green light to do what he wants without the guilt. He may have not been having a physical affair but my guess that he will be asap.

I speak from experience. My dh did the same thing. It was a full on emotional affair until he told me the classic 'I love you but I'm not in love with you'. Our relationship was apparently crap and it was all my fault. Once he said it, even though he didn't leave and I did the pick me dance and tried to change (basically treating him like God) he started a physical relationship because as far as he was concerned he had said we were over. What he didn't get was he hadn't said it was over, that was what he was thinking to give himself permission.

Move forward a year and the realisation that the OW wasn't the answer to his own issues and I had told him to go finally he moved into his own place and suddenly realised what a prick he had been.

Another year on and he's home here trying to rebuild what he destroyed. I'm trying too but moving forward together isn't easy. I struggle that this person lied and lied and wrecked our history together. Funny that he now wants to look back on our marriage and say how good it was apart from the 'blip but he was the one that had said it had been crap for 10 years. The affair fog has lifted for him but I'm still in that fog by no choice of my own.

If I could turn back the clock my regret is that as soon as I suspected an affair and had some proof then I should have ended it. We may have ended up back together but at least I wouldn't have had 2 years of lies to deal with.

Be strong and trust your gut. Don't believe him when he blames you. Xxx