My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

[Numbandbroken]

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

My advice (having been through this and done it all wrong) is to ask him to leave. Be really calm, pack his stuff and don't listen to any complaints of how he has nowhere to do. Don't text him or phone. Be polite.

Did you shout and scream he will think the grass ow is greener ...

Some of these posts are very aggressive. Take time to breathe. Do you think he could be suffering from depression - can lead to detachment and coldness.

Thank you everyone. I'm still here and reading your comments. I'm going to try and get some sleep. No idea what I will do tomorrow. I just can't believe this.

You need to call a friend. Have them come an stay with you. This is messed up. This is not your fault, he is a wanker. I'm so sorry. He's being incredibly selfish. It's terrible.

It sounds as if there's another woman involved but even worse, he sounds like a dickhead. Once the shock wears off and the anger kicks in, you'll be able to do what has to be done. Kick him out, see a solicitor. I'm so sorry, OP but according to what you've told us about him, he's not worth a single tear!

I had practically an identical speech. I’d put money on an OW.

Sorry

My friend had the same and her DH had a woman waiting in the wings too. He....like many men, did the thing where they reinvent your relationship history to make them feel less guilty.

They say things like "I never wanted to get married in the first place, you pressured me" and "I didn't want kids with you...it was your idea...you did it on purpose" and "You're boring/mean/miserable"

They invent a sort of fake you....one that they can feel ok about leaving.

So remember....when he says you're miserable all the time...you're not. You're not that person. He's made that one up.

Do some poking about and work out what's going on. If he HAS someone else, tell the fucker to get out and move in with her.

Make sure shared bank accounts aren't emptied.

They’re really not aggressive posts. It’s simply a desire to help the OP NOT go through what so many of us put ourselves through. It’s to spare her the torture of turning herself inside out to try to make her marriage work, when he’s clearly told her he’s not interested in making it work. It takes two and he’s doesn’t want to.

I wish I’d had MN at the time and had previously read thread, after thread, after thread of the same thing unfolding time, after time, after time.

...even if he is suffering from depression, which I seriously doubt is the cause of this, there is nothing the op can do when he’s the one wanting a divorce and doesn’t want to go to counselling,

He’s following the script to the letter, he’s just another twat badger who has fallen for the charms of an OW. If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.

I'm not convinced that there's an OW in the picture. I think you would have picked up on the change in him long ago, and if he just met one he wouldn't be taking this drastic a step yet.

I think it's more likely that he's concluded that the relationship is more costs than benefit for him now, which is of course a completely selfish and short term view. I think he's just a knob.

So sorry you're going through this.

Girls

Who says it's too aggressive? You Hubble? People can give their experience and advice as they see fit. You can't tell anyone they're too aggressive. If a bit of aggression helps the OP then all good.

Be the best mum she can be Hubble? FFS she's more than just a Mum! The women commenting don't necessarily have bitter experience but its a well known pattern!

There are children to be considered here, To split their parents so easily is not advisable. You can not walk in someone else's shoes.
So sorry for those who have suffered so much - me included- but I would advise OP to take a deep breath.

I went through this years ago and had the same line trundled out.

It was another woman.

I tried to put it back together but I was onto a loser from the off because of the lack of honesty. It was a bolt from the blue as well and my children were 2 and 8 months old.

What I would advise is to adopt a casual air of agreement. Tell him now you have had time to process it you agree- he has fallen short of being your ideal partner and then tell him that childcare is going to be divided in half so you can rebuild your life and be open to meeting someone new. Be ice cold.

Next outline his financial contribution expected to maintain the children at a realistic level. It will be more than half because you earn less as a consequence of doing the lion’s share of childcare.

Then go out loads and never be on hand when it is his time to step up and do his bit in raising these children he chose to bring into the world.

Split household chores down the middle as well ......

At least then you come out of this without being further exploited and carrying this man child. He will also have a lot of limits on his flex for freedom both time wise and financially and you stand to gain.

Take back the power.

Far better for OP to be prepared for any eventuality than to demean herself by begging him to try again.

I’m sure none of us who were left, wish this on OP but she needs to be aware.

He could just be a selfish arse who can’t cope with not being the number one priority any more.

Pauls advice is top notch.

He thinks he can just go on with his life and have a nice time now. I'd pull the rug right from under him!

girls?

be the best mum you can be. HER parenting is not in question here.

Yeah, OP, forget about yourself, just be a good mummy and keep the man well serviced 🙄

In case you hadn’t noticed, he doesn’t want to ‘be forgiven’ he wants a divorce...and hasn’t asked for forgiveness, quite the opposite 🙄🙄🙄

I'm so sorry you are goi g through this.

How about YOU say: Yes, I'm sorry I've been distracted by childbirth, child rearing and trying to create a happy home. I'm so sorry I've been too exhausted for sex whilst tending to OUR children. You are right, I have become dinewhat humourless and uptight. The worry of child rearing g at this stage has exacerbated this. I think I need to leave YOU with the kids for a week whilst I go to to your mothers/a spa/camping. I love the children but need a little break to rediscover my wonderful/lighthearted/highly sexed self.
I'll just pack a small bag and will be in touch twice a day.
If you need some support maybe your mother/that crazy, smiley woman at work/ your internet friend can give you a hand.
Bye. I love you and respect you as a co-parent . Byeee!!!

I found it helped me to concentrate on the children as a focus but others may have found other ways of dealing with their distress. There was no intimation of bad parenting here.

I’m so sorry OP.

I could have written your post not too long ago. But the significant difference is that when my DH started feeling things were off track, I knew it and he knew I knew and we talked about it. We were together, mentally. We experienced all the thoughts and emotions together, as partners. His and mine.

For your DH to have been harbouring this for long enough to dissociate himself from his partner of a decade and his children, means he disconnected himself from you a long time ago. He did that TO you. He didn’t have the courtesy or respect or love or affection, or regard for his children, to tell you what he was thinking and feeling. He considered himself a separate entity from you and your family.

I’m afraid that rarely happens for reasons other than becoming attached to someone else. Physical or emotional affair. If he’d been the sort of selfish to do this in the absence of an OW, this bombshell wouldn’t have come as that much of a surprise.

You sound devastated - who wouldn’t be. But maybe consider holding your sorrow over/about him in check until you know the facts. It’s entirely possible you’re wasting your decent emotions, that you should be raging with fury and anger, blaming him 100% for what he’s doing to you and your children. Just hold fire a bit.

Good luck. I really feel for you.

Paul's advice is great if you can bring yourself to behave this way OP. Being completely selfish and emotionally unavailable would be exactly what your H deserves. It makes me so angry when men behave in this childish, entitled, me-first-fuck-everyone-else manner.

What Paul says. That is damn fine advice right there. Tell him to fuck off, and tell him exactly how much time and money that's going to involve, parenting and providing for his children. The massive twat.

I agree what Paul says. He sounds like a massive man child who is trying to.punish you for not giving diddums enough attention. Call his bluff and agree with him, but repeat to him over and over that this us his choice, and that you have done nothing wrong. You are no worse than any other woman with 2 tiny kids.

One slight flaw in his explanation.... He's been unhappy but because your not, it must be your fault....

Or..... You have been unhappy this last while and its making him want a divorce

He can't have it both ways....