My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

[Numbandbroken]

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

I think all this OW stuff is people projecting. Men rarely decide to actually leave their wife when indulging on an affair. It's usually a lovely balance of wife and family at home - OW for sex. So I doubt it although its not impossible. Is there any chance he'd consider a break for the weekend? Just the two of you? Anyone you trust to have the children overnight? If he won't agree to at least try then be clearly can't handle married life with kids and all that comes with it. I really wish you the best of luck. This is a horrible situation to be in with two such young children

@differentnameforthis

You sound very bitter. I'm happy now having worked through some issues, sorry that upsets you. I guess it is hard when people won't just accept that all men are bastards.

Numbandbroken, I'm so sorry you're going through this nightmare. Like many others I've been through a similar (horrendous) scenario, three and a half years ago. I didn't see it coming and was emotionally broken when my husband put all the blame squarely on my shoulders for the marriage failing. Many mumbled more or less discretely about the probability of an OW in the equation. Of course, he denied it very convincingly and I foolishly (and weakly) wished to give him the benefit of the doubt. She was very much present and still is a few years later.

Of course your marriage is not a blueprint of mine and maybe things will turn out differently for you. But, if you do follow the same course as I did, I promise you that after the mind numbing pain of having your family split in two things WILL get better. Really and truly, with time.

@MadMum101 I actually said he is an excellent father and he pulls his weight.

Sorry OP, you appear to have entered the lioness's den. The level of projection on here is quite scary and has pretty much derailed this thread. People are just blatantly strawmanning now... well at least yoy know what to do if your DH is a lazy bastard who is having and affair!

I don't think people are projecting, it's the same old lines they all say unfortunately. I think some guilty consciences are projecting on here.

Chapter 1 - Choosing the Correct Speech

There are 4 basic speeches for you to choose from. They are:

a) I love you but I don't know if I'm in love with you.

b) I've never loved you, and we should never have gotten married.

c) We got married too young. I never knew anything besides you.

d) You tricked me into marrying you, I would never have done it otherwise.

Once you have decided on which speech to give, you need to cause as much anxiety in your spouse as you can before you actually give it. Continue to the next chapter for Lessons in building anxiety.

Chapter 2 - Lessons in Building Anxiety

You will find these lessons to be helpful in causing anxiety in your spouse and others (depending on the level of pain and damage you want to cause), not just prior to giving the speech, but throughout your MLC.

Lesson 1 - Monstrification of Your Spouse

This is easy to accomplish. Simply think of only the "bad" things that your spouse has done throughout your entire relationship. Have one of those "angel" spouses? No problem, just remember how bad she always makes you feel. DO NOT under any circumstances remember fondly your spouse, or anything they have done for you. Remember, they are going to be the cause of all of your problems, so it is imperative that you convince your self of this first.

Lesson 2 - Emotional Detachment

This will be very easy to do after accomplishing lesson 1. All you have to do is start reminding yourself that you don't care about them, what they feel, what they want, or if they hurt. Simple! Every time you remind yourself of this, you will get further and further away from your relationship emotionally. Now, that wasn't too hard was it? On to lesson 3

Lesson 3 - Mass Confusion and Indecision

This lesson requires a little more thought and attention. You must constantly practice saying "I don't know" to ANY and ALL questions. That is imperative!! Your spouse (and others) must never know precisely what is going on in-side your head. Also, never let them know where you are going, where you have been, who you were with (this will go hand in hand with the lesson on the Other Person, or OP), or whether or not they can expect you to return home.

Lesson 4 - Lies and Deceit

To get the most damage, and cause the most pain, you must lie and decieve at every opportunity. And to really achieve hall of fame status, you should be very inept at it, so that everyone knows that you are lying, or suspects, but can't prove it initially. This works very well for the following chapters, OP and Cake Eating.

Chapter 3 - The Other Woman (or OW)

Now it is time for you to succumb to temptation. You KNOW all of those other women want you! They have been coming on to you for years!! It is time for you to give them their chance at having some of you. Make sure that you leave a very confusing trail for your spouse to follow. One that lets them suspect, but have to dig and sneak (to make them feel worse about themselves) to find the information they need to prove it. Hold out admitting the affair as long as you can, and don't admit it ever, if you can get away with it.

Chapter 4 - Cake Eating

This chapter is designed to string your spouse along in uncertainty as long as possible, because as long as they have hope, they won't be able to go out and find their own lives and be fulfilled. Why should they get to do that, while you are so miserable? They shouldn't!! So, make sure that you are affectionate occasionally (not too often, as this will raise anxiety levels), that you drag your feet about making a decision on the marriage, and that you leave and come back several times (as many as you can get away with).

Chapter 5 - History Revision

It is very important that you revise the life you have lead with your spouse. You must use words like: Always, Ever, Never and All of the Time. Always precede the statement with the terms: you, I, and we. As in "you always nag me" "I never ever (double bonus here) get to do what I want" and "We have to do what you want all of the time". This will help to make your spouse feel like the way you are behaving is all their fault, and can cause them to feel even worse about themselves than they already did!!

Chapter 6 - It's All About You!!

Remember this is all about you! What you want and need, RIGHT NOW! You shouldn't have to wait until you can afford something, just go on out and get it! You deserve a new haircut, new clothes, and some new toys. You've worked for it. You would probably look great in that new Convertible, or on that new Harley!! So don't hesitate! You live in the here and now! So why wait until tomorrow!!

Remember, the word is CRISIS and if you are in one, EVERYONE else should have to ride the Roller coaster with you! It's no fun taking a ride alone, and you know what they say about misery loving company! Go on out there and get started, so much pain and damage, and so little time!

I don’t think people are projecting. What man in his right mind with two very small children would say that’s it, over, completely out of the blue? You would expect there to be an underlying reason. If there was none surely there would be room to work on the relationship.

I’d also say this isn’t the behaviour of a good father particularly.

Chapter 7 - Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away

This chapter is to help you deal with the problems that your spouse will try to cause. We don't want you to have to "deal" with anything, now do we? You shouldn't have to "think" about any "issues" right now, except those that concern you "feeling good". The best way to handle this, is to Avoid, Ignore, and Run Away. Any time someone tries to make you see a more "reasonable" stance on a subject, simply Avoid making a reply...stare out into space, as if you are thinking about something important, and they will become uncomfortable and leave you alone.

If there are responsibilities that need your attention, simply ignore them. You don't have to do anything you don't feel like doing. And the best for last is Run Away! This can be accomplished in many different ways. OP's can help you Run Away from all of these "problems" as well as Alcohol, Drugs, New Sports Cars....etc the list is endless. Of course, you can always just leave...but remember not to let them know where you are going, and if you'll be back!!

Chapter 8 - MC and Therapists

Your spouse may ask you to go to counseling with her. This is only useful to make them feel better. It cannot possibly have anything to you so there is no reason for you to follow-up with anything suggested--it doesn't matter to you. The only thing you should look for is more reasons (excuses) for avoiding, running and ignoring (see previous chapter).

Chapter 9 - I Don't Have To if I Don't Want To and You Can't Make Me!

Remember that this is about YOU, and what YOU want and how YOU feel!! No one else is important, so don't let them make you feel as if you have to listen to anything they say. Your spouse will try to help you of course, because they love you. Don't let them get away with giving you unwanted advice. Let them know in the teenage vernacular, that they can't make you do anything.

This is important, you must be as childish as possible!! Any truly adult behavior on your part will only convince them that you are listening to what they are saying, and you will have to start back at the beginning. Of course, this technique can be used knowingly to cause more confusion and chaos, just beware of the danger, you don't actually want to start acting like an adult!!

Chapter 10 - How To Threaten and/or How To Move Out

You threaten to move out for weeks or months but you don't. ()You tell your spouse that you got too much on your plate right now to look for a flat but that you will do so in 2 weeks time. After 2 weeks, repeat from ().

If your wife wants to come too close to you, like entering your bedroom to talk to you, tell her to stay away or you will move out. When she replies that you will move out anyway tell her that you will move out faster if she comes any closer

Chapter 11 - Art of Clinging

The Art of Clinging to the End of the Mattress without falling off the matrimonial bed while still sharing it with your spouse.

Chapter 12 - Advanced Lessons

This is usually reserved for those in more difficult situations, where the LBS has responded not by tossing you out, threatening to leave, or filing for divorce, but instead persists in not only OFFERING to cooperate, but actually MAKING THE CHANGES you said you needed.

"I am tired of living like this/I don't want to live like this anymore/I am not going to live my life like this?" often is coupled with another advanced tactic, "It's not you, it's me".

This line is most effective AFTER the LBS has jumped through hoops and bent over backwards. It basically confirms that no matter what changes the LBS is willing to make, the incompatibility lies within the MLCer, who has no intention of, or implied desire or ability to, compromise.

Appendix

HOW TO MAKE YOUR SPOUSE THINK SHE IS CRAZY

1. When confronted by the evidence of an EA or PA, become very indignant. Stress that the LBS is obviously just a jealous sob/bi*ch, and you are entitled to "buddies" of the opposite sex.

1. Never, ever answer the question, "Are you okay? Is there something wrong?" with a direct answer that might actually lead to a discussion that might help the marriage. Continue to never talk to spouse, never give her/him a personal compliment or touch of affection and by all means work on the "cling to the edge of the mattress to avoid touching" manoeuvre that is so successful in making your spouse crazy.

1. Always bear in mind that your spouse will expect you to want to at least give them the chance to "fix" the marriage. Since you have already checked out emotionally (of course NEVER tell them that!), you are under no obligation to actually listen to anything they say or acknowledge anything they do. This tactic is also extremely beneficial when they employ the MLC diet. When they lose a massive amount of weight and you are in ear shot of someone who mentions to spouse about the weight loss, say "Are you losing weight? Why don't you ever tell me things?"

1. Of course one of the most successful ways to drive them crazy may only be used when you have earned the MLC Black Belt. Go to marriage counselling for months, let them pour out their soul to you and the counsellor and let them believe they are actually accomplishing something. Then arrange things so the spouse finds you in your own home with OW. This will accomplish two things: a. She will finally have to understand how lucky you are to have found your "soul mate" and b. She will be doubly betrayed because she thought you were actually working on the marriage.

DON'T LET YOUR SPOUSE GET TOO INDEPENDENT - STATEGIES FOR SUCKING YOUR SPOUSE BACK IN

1. Make negative comments about OW or the chances that the relationship with OW will succeed. HOWEVER, under no circumstances, make any commitment to end the relationship with OW.

1. Make veiled hints about suicide or excessive drinking or drug use. Be erratic and hard to contact.

1. Do random acts of kindness such as garden work or something. That will keep your spouse confused and hopeful.

1. Make vague comments hinting that things might work out between you and your spouse IN THE FUTURE. HOWEVER, under no circumstances take any actions to work anything out.

CUSTODY - Using the Kids To Your Advantage

If you have children, they can be extremely useful for inducing fear and panic in your spouse. Recommended phrases include, "You're poisoning my kids against me", "You put that idea into their heads", and "You need to do [insert pertinent action here] for the sake of the kids'." Remember, your spouse, being a responsible and loving person, is not only trying to cope with his/her own feelings, but trying to protect the children, and you can use that to your advantage.

Don't forget to use the fact that if you spend any time with your kids, you should get Extra Credit Bonus Good Parent points from your spouse. It doesn't matter if you feed them ice cream for breakfast and have them watch "Hellboy" when they asked for "Veggie Tales", you Just Wanted To Make Them Happy, and since YOU are the best judge of Happiness, that makes you Super Parent.

You can use this opportunity to trash talk your spouse ("Isn't this more fun than what Mommy/Daddy would let you do?" "Mom/Dad doesn't know how to relax.") which of course, will be repeated back to your spouse so you get the benefit of destroying their self-esteem second hand.

Highly advanced MLCers may want to start casually using the word Custody, but be very, very careful. While useful for sending your spouse into a state of panic, you certainly do not want to be responsible for a bunch of kids who will seriously cut into your personal fun time. The word Custody should only be used in a casual tone of voice for the most devastating effect.

BUTTON PUSHING

You (the mlcer) know a lot about your spouse. You know what pushes their buttons to get them both upset and/or happy. You have the power, you can do it! So using the kids to upset them is fair game (see section on how to use "custody" to upset them but not take on the "custody"). And if that ever stops working, find something else. Suggestions might include pets, valuables in the home, their appearance, family, career. Nothing is out of your reach since you have put in so many years getting to know your spouse--use what you know.

THE BLAME GAME

By now, you should be aware that all of this MUST be your spouse's fault, however, your spouse may not understand this completely yet, so you need to start planting the seeds.

There are several ingenious ways to put the blame on your spouse, and we will be exploring them all.

Method 1: The Non-Blame Statement

I'm trying not to blame YOU

This statement implies that you are "not putting the blame on them" but on closer look (which your spouse is guaranteed to be doing) The words actually put all of the blame on the spouse (where of course we know it belongs).

Method 2: The Passive Blame Statement

I don't think that I can live with you.
My opinion never mattered to you.
I can't live like this.
We rarely have fun anymore.
I don't want to live this way anymore.

These are passive statements that don't actually assign blame to your spouse, but your spouse will definitely get the idea if you use them. They can't help but see that it MUST be them that makes you feel this way.

Method 3: The Direct Blame Statement

You never listen to me.
You never put creases in my pants.
You use bagged salad.
You never keep the house clean.
You are going to do it your way.

All of these are direct statements of blame. You should mix actual faults with things that don't really matter to make it more confusing, and make your spouse feel as bad as possible about themselves.

Your spouse has probably already started doing the hard work to look inside his/herself (Yuck, what an awful thought!) and will take on all of the faults you list to try and correct them. This will keep them occupied for awhile, and you can avoid any serious relationship talks while they apologize for and try to fix all of their own faults.

Make sure that you don't actually accept the apology, that way you can continue to bring the fault up which will slow down their self improvement process. Remember, they are working on becoming better human beings, and you wouldn't want that to happen to fast, as that would interfere with your ability to string them along.

Note: NEVER ACTUALLY ADMIT TO ANY FAULTS OF YOUR OWN!!!! REMEMBER, YOU DON'T HAVE ANY! YOU ARE THE GOOD ONE, AND HAD THE RIGHT TO HAVE AN AFFAIR, LIE, SPEND MONEY, OR ANY OTHER THING, BECAUSE THEY ARE THE ONES THAT ARE BAD!!!

Let's not forget "We're just incompatible - we always were."

Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL. If all else fails, put the LBS down for being so willing to change herself for your needs. Also, when the LBS starts to make changes, make SURE you find fault with these changes, or point out how it's "too little, too late", or wasn't what you meant AT ALL."

How to keep you spouse guessing...be mean one minute threatening divorce, etc then next day be kind and sweet almost the way your spouse remembers you..rinse repeat....

HOW TO CONTINUE THE CRAZINESS ONCE SEPARATION/DIVORCE IS AGREED UPON

1. Even though by now you, dear MLCer, have done everything human possibly to convince your spouse that you do not love him/her and want out, when the time comes to actually file, DON"T DO IT! This is the coup de gras of MLC. Absolutely DO NOT TAKE THE INITIATIVE. This is a most vital and awesome crazy-maker. Holding out will force your by now totally devastated spouse to finally throw up his/her hands and seek legal counsel.

1. Once the LBS has had enough and decides that divorce is in their best interest, you have won HUGE points here. Refusing to be the one to file now puts YOU in the role of victim, bringing you all the attention and pity necessary to allow you to again regain your image of the abused one in all this. Now you can, with absolutely NO guilt, tell everyone the divorce was your LBS's idea (which of COURSE it was!) and they will assume that:

Hi Op, my friend has been through a similar thing this year with her dh acting in the same way. She found out weeks later that he’d been having an affair for the previous year. I’m sorry to hear this. Arm yourself with a good lawyer and get some legal advice quickly.

There are plenty of us women on here who would leave simply because it no longer felt right or because of past experiences/resentments. There isn’t always someone else involved. I think because of the nature of this forum we see a lot of women (and the odd guy) who have been betrayed or dumped that involves other people but it’s really not always the only reason. I know several guys that left marriages, in all cases no one else was involved, they just hated being married, they felt trapped and that ‘their world’ became smaller and duller. All of them have been honest and said they preferred the buzz of short term dating and non live in relationships and time for their interests with no expectations.

If there is an OW he will have been careful and made sure that his phone has no evidence

Sadly, I think you're right; he sounds pretty calculating and no doubt he'll have thought of this

His coldness is of course hideous, but while you've had this dropped on you like a ton of bricks he's a lot further forward. Clearly he's made his "plan", and though he's failed to discuss this with you during that process he's now expecting you to simply suck it up

Dreadful though this is, I agree with PPs that he has to be made to leave while you begin to process what's happened; for him to expect to stay would be the height of cruelty right now. He can go to the (almost inevitable) OW, and if she's not able to accommodate him ... well, that's something he should have thought of isn't it?

First of all OP, you sound like a decent, level headed person. Your husband is trying to blame things on you. My guess is that yours is a typical marriage, where there is good and bad on both sides. It can be hard living together, especially with young kids,
BUT - there IS an OW. No ifs or buts, there just IS. To those saying OW talk is not helpful, bollocks. Knowldge is power, and knowing he is getting his kicks elsewhere will inform how you proceed.
My god, there are some naive posters on here,
Good luck OP.

Naïve or bitter - which is best?? Probably neither.

Well op is not a robot, it's a big shock.

If he has told his brother then he must mean it. I had hoped it was an empty threat to get your attention OP but it seems not. Take comfort in your children - I said this before but was derided by other posters. It will help to focus on those you love and who love you back. Your parents love you and will give you support. It is a sad fact of life that marriages do break down.

Sorry OP sounds like he's made his decision.

If a marriage is breaking down there should be communication, not bombshells out of the blue. It hasn't broken down has it, someone has had his head turned and has re-written history.

OP Please ignore the (thankfully fairly few, but disproportionately vociferous) posters telling you to 'ignore' the vast number of women who are sharing their RL experiences with you and the (painfully learnt) lessons they only in retrospect had vis OW.

It is very clear from what you write that there is another woman. Ditto that he has clearly made his decision and now that, for him, it's 'out in the open' he is positively perky (the whistling, the telling his brother). He checked out of your relationship a long time ago and without you knowing, and the reason you didn't know is as he was being deceitful. This is not about you and this was never about you, so for the love of God please please do not do the 'pick me dance'.

I echo PPs vis:

1: Be very very clear with him that this is it; that he cannot have his cake and eat it too (the way he was acting this morning strongly suggests that he does not yet get that bit);

2: Absolutely tell your Mother/your sister - you need RL support as this is such an horrendous position to be in. His isn't (he is a: doing what he wants; and b: isn't in any shock) but yours really is

3: So so many of us have been there and that is why you are having others share their experiences with you. I cannot tell you how much I wish MN had been there for me when I - with a 2 year old and also 7 months pregnant - had this.

4: If MN had existed I would have had both the support and also the clear 'recognising' of the script. I'd also have spared myself months of deeply humiliating and painful behaviour as I fought to salvage something that was a: already dead; and b: quite literally had nothing to do with me - just as, right now, what he is saying has nothing to do with you... As in, this is NOT 'about' you - he is trying to make you think it is to justify his sudden departure from a LT relationship and breaking up his children's family.

5: I know this is tough, but you have to remember he is quite literally not the man you thought he was/the person you 'knew'. He has now checked out and I'm very firmly with the vast majority of posters who can see yep, there's an OW; and yep, nothing you can do will 'bring him back' so please please PLEASE don't demean yourself trying.

Lastly, right now he is in a bubble - a selfish, nasty, bubble - and he thinks life is now ticketyboo. He thinks he's free from your relationship, he's probably texting OW right now that the coast is clear, and he literally hasn't a care in the world. Everything you have written suggests that, and the final nail in the 'is there another woman' coffin is/was the swearing on the kids lives. It's classic. It's so so manipulative but so so common - and that is why you have so many woman here saying I've been there, this is what is coming next etc.

You said you had had a gut instinct re OW - please please don't ignore that instinct again. Please, as best you can, pull your straight thinking head on and get your ducks in a row vis how best to protect yourself. And keep posting, at all times of the day someone will be here for you. And I'm so so sorry this is happening to you, it is literally gut punching. And done by the person you loved the most in the world - that's the truly head messing bit when you are as 'in it' as you are and when it's so so new and such a shock.

Very lastly, I also wouldn't leave the house but I would be uber clear about doing nothing for him. He wanted this bed, don't cushion it for him. And get the best advice you can and as quickly as you can

What is "LBS" in the script?

There are vast options between naive and bitter.

Being naive leaves you open to being utterly shafted in the event of a divorce.

I’ve seen (& been) so many women on here who feel sorry for their H’s and agree on insane outcomes because they don’t want their H to suffer.

OP you need to rally round friends and family, get a shit hot lawyer. And make this real for your H.

Ensure you get everything you and dc are entitled to, do not for a second feel sorry him. He has planned this knows exactly what he’s doing. You’re in shock. You need to function and consider what you need and want.

Get legal advice, consider opening a CMS claim, you can if you’re separated. Make sure you have all information you could need eg how much his pay is, how much his pension’s worth.
Make sure your passports and children’s birth certificates are somewhere safe. You’ll need a copy of your marriage certificate also to petition for divorce.

You need to know exactly what your legal position is. Take control of what is under your control.
Don’t wait around for him to decide to come and go as he pleases.

He may have had his head turned because the marriage was breaking down perhaps. Not mutually exclusive and commonly linked I would assume.
Debate over OW is not relevant if divorce is inevitable anyway. OP you must put all your energies into looking after yourself and your children now. This is a safe place for you to scream. Come back and scream whenever you need to.

And anyone in any doubt vis OW - ask yourself this: If DH was genuine in terms of marriage no longer working and 'finally' calling time on it, how would he be this morning after 'the chat' last night?

He'd be sad, reflective, so many things but none of them would be whistling and chirpy.

And Hubble it does matter if there is an OW as it's that that is the driver of the gaslighting shit, of the 'it's you' shit. It's Emotional Abuse, part of the Domestic Violence Circle - you know that right?

And it's head-fucking and vicious and you minimising it - or telling OP it 'doesn't matter' - is a: BS; b: dangerous. Gaslighting is abuse and it does fucking matter. It means you can't trust the ground under your feet. It makes you question your reality. It makes you look back and wonder if you've gone mad. There is a reason it's part of the DV circle - and that reason is as it is abuse.

OP I really hope you're talking to your family right now and you have support around you

I don't think it is me who has the agenda. Your rudeness is of no help to OP who I am sure would rather be advised by somebody who is frankly kind and considerate and who takes a balanced and measured tone.. Where have I ever been unsupportive of OP? I think perhaps [here forever] you should address your own issues. If this is how you think you should speak to a complete stranger I have concerns for your own well being. OP I apologise for some of the unhelpful replies you seem to be receiving. Take care and only make decisions which are right for you.

A different perspective: the day after I told my xh that I've had enough I was ecstatic. Guess what, there was no other man. The weight that lifted was immense though so made me very happy not having to carry it anymore.

Let him go OP. He doesn't want to be with you so why make him? It is possible that he is just not happy and there is no other woman.

I understand you're heartbroken and it will take a long time to learn to live in the completely different way. I am very sorry you're having to go through this.