My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

[Numbandbroken]

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

I'm so sorry. I hope you have support.

If you live in the north west you may be the wife of my friend's married man. My friend confided in me that she's been seeing a married man with two very young kids and he's telling his wife this week it's over with a plan to get together in Jan. I'm no longer her friend.

Sorry OP, I must have mistakenly attributed another post to you about a partner not helping with DC.

He's not an 'excellent father' though. He would be prepared to try everything to keep his family intact if that were the case, not drop the bomb that he wants a divorce because he doesn't think he can be happy with you when he committed to having DC with you with, one just a year ago, and definitely not putting a new shag before them if that turns out to be the case.

I hope when the shock wears off you take your blinkers off too .

I could have - in fact did - write your post 4 weeks ago. It was also entitled Out of the Blue. I had it removed due to too much identifying information but it basically said exactly what has happened to you (followed by pages of comments about the OW, which ultimately wasn't helpful). Anyhow, lots of good stuff has already been said to you so I'll just offer some survival tips.

1. Tell people. I have had an army of friends, family, neighbours, and colleagues behind me. They have truly saved me via their listening ears, practical help (car; childcare), food, drink, and love.

1. Protect your mental and physical space. Get OH out of the house as soon as you can. We have been avoiding each other as best we can, but the nights he's here are horrible.

1. Do your research. I talked to solicitors very soon after OH's announcement. They were adversarial and scary but I'm glad I got an idea of the world I might soon be entering. I also spoke to the mortgage provider and independent financial advisors. It's all information to add to your reserves. Tell your kids’ teacher if they’re of school age so they can keep an eye.

1. Dial things down at work if you possibly can. Processing the shock takes huge amounts of emotional energy.

1. Aim for a balance of time between quiet, processing time for you, confiding in close friends, quality time with your children, and some 'normal' socialising with a wider circle of friends. Not too much of each. The latter is the hardest as those benign topics of holidays, xmas, and other people's partners take on a dark shadow, but it's good to keep some perspective.

1. When you feel able to, eat well and exercise. Obvious, I know, but more important than ever. I’m glad you’re getting some sleep. I used sleeping tablets for the first week, without worry. Don’t drink alone.

I’m only 4 weeks in and still, getting out of bed is hard. But this is the situation I’ve been handed, and I’m determined the make the best of it.

Such good advice from [desanto]. Hope you are okay tonight OP.

@Hopoindown31 No, absolutely not bitter. Married to an excellent man for 24years. The men in my life aren't bastards. I know not all men are. Some are, though.

Your post screamed of YOU doing all the compromising after the counseling, especially this part how emotionally important physical imtimacy is to men and how we ignore that at our peril because it puts all the onus on women to keep "servicing" their men to maintain a happy relationship. And it sounds to me like that is what YOU are doing.

If I read it wrong, I read it wrong.

Oh & your posts are heavily weighted towards the man's POV here, and dismissing what the op is feeling. Several times you reiterate how the dh is feeling, and it isn't him looking for the advice.

It would appear that you NEED the op to be in the wrong here. Only you know what that is.

This is an emotive situation and for many has reignited unhappy experiences but it is OP who is going through this now. We have to assume that everyone is trying to help. What struck me OP is that despite your DH's criticism of you, you have not retaliated on here with a list of his faults and that is hugely to your credit. Do take note of what desanto has written. There will be light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted. I do appreciate all the views and advice.

However now I'm speaking to people in real life I am going to ask for this thread to be removed. I am almost dreading reading comments (not because they are nasty particularly but just because there are so many details that I can't put down to give the full picture). I know I could hide it but I'll know it's there so I need to remove it.

Thank you all so much x

Goodbye. Take care.

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please ignore the posters saying your DH has tried to talk to you about how he feels & you haven't listened.

Even when that is so, you have 2 very young DC & are no doubt absolutely knackered & I'd be amazed if your DH took an equal 50% share of the childcare to lighten that load. This is quite a normal phase in a marriage with very young DCs, Therefore his giving you ultimatums as regards your sex life comes across more like he wants a performing seal than an equal life partner.

That makes the guy a first class selfish dick in my book. Tell him to fuck off & grow the fuck up, it's not fair that you are the only adult in your marriage. You need & deserve better than that.

I agree it sounds like he's very probably having his ego stroked elsewhere, hence his cold, checked out attitude. But that only adds to how immature & teenage he looks. "Wawawa, I need more sex & I don't care that your too exhausted because you bring up & give birth to my children, so I'll spit the dummy out & end the marriage/go elsewhere or it. What a first class immature prick 🤬

I agree with mirroring icy cold back to him & kicking the fecker out to see what his wonderful new life really looks like from the other side of the fence

Also talk to those close to you in RL, you have absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. This is 100% your teenage DHs doing & he needs to know what a dick he is being from others too

Good luck 💐

Tell home he can have the kids the day after Boxing Day, and watch his non chalet whistle turn to a howl...

Good luck OP.

Glad you are talking to people IRL.

Do consider posting when you need help, especially in the relationships section.

A name change can help preserve anonymity. I found the wise words and experience of mumsnet immensely helpful in navigating a relationship breakdown, or offering TLC in the middle of the night.

Admittedly some advice is less helpful, but some has been priceless.....

Best of luck op, stay strong

Good luck op, post back if you need us. x