My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

[Numbandbroken]

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

OP I am so so sorry.

But Pp need to calm the hell down.

OP can't just throw him out or demand he leaves. That is his home as well and he has rights. As of yet there is no proof he has committed any great wrong. So let's save lunching him just yet.

Also WTF about demanding his phone and laptop get a bloody grip. If my much loved husband did that to me I'd tell him where he should fuck off to. If I had decided to end the relationship I'd say it in an even less polite manner.

You will have a right to remain there until the children are 18.

This is NOT automatic and NOT guaranteed! Please get actual legal advice.

There is little to be gained from asking.

He will deny, deny, deny..

Implement your plan. If he respects you he will leave and give you space to digest this news.

I kept on asking him why he wasn't showing any feeling when saying this. He didn't cry or anything. Was so matter-of-fact and cold.

Like I've said, we weren't perfect and we have arguments and the sex thing has come up before (along with me apparently being angry at him) but I just put it down to being in a long term relationship and not as serious as leading him to be so unhappy he wants a divorce.

🌷I’m sorry another complete bellend has surfaced.

Right now you don’t want to believe there’s an ow, but it’s true that it’s incredibly rare for a man to just leave, without another option ready and waiting. Very, very, rare. It’s far better to accept this is going to rear it’s ugly head.

Many men really just can’t cope with not being number one and having a partner not focus entirely on them once children arrive. Many are not mature enough to understand the physical, emotional and mental exhaustion that can come with being a mum of two very young children - and that’s what withiut a dufficult house move.

Someone comes along, Fresh, Dewey, Excited to see them and their heads are turned so fast they get whiplash. It’s pathetic & predictable.

As much as you want to ‘work it out’ and do the ‘pick me’ dance, it honestly won’t change a thing and will just leave you feeling even worse.

You have to gather your strength, think of us all there with you, and in the morning tell him you think he’s right, if he’s not happy he should leave. Now. He can go to family, friends, hostel (not hotel) or the fucking moon, not your problem, he’s said he wants out, out he goes.

We have it arse about face, because it does feel embarrassing & humiliating. It really shouldn’t though, they’re the immature shit bags. Tell people ‘He decided that family life wasn’t for him, very bloody helpful AFTER we had two kids and moved house’. Convey acceptance and annoyance, only share the heartache with the ones you want to.

I KNOW it’s hard, I KNOW you think you can fix this if you try/change, but honestly you can’t, because despite what the wankbadger has told you, this is not about you. It’s realky, really, not.

Be strong, you CAN do this.

Not true that there’s ‘nearly always’ someone else lined up. You could be describing my situation 3 years ago - there wasn’t OW then and still on his own.

Thank you for all the comments.

I really can't bear the thought that this is it and there is nothing I can do. I don't want to be without him and I don't want my children to have their parents split up.

So so sorry for how you must be feeling. Almost identical scenario happened to me, but earlier in family life. Of course there was someone else, but I was also sang the 'it's you, you have changed, you don't think of me, just the baby, your no fun'... Life is different with little people, and it should be. Not recognising it, and understanding that it is just a tiring wonderful character altering at times stage is the issue perhaps. Agree counseling excellent idea, even if you just go alone, to process your own feelings, and do confide in someone, whose judgement you trust, and talk, and talk. Thinking of your devastation with sympathy

I’m so sorry, OP. We are here. Holding your hand.

If he swore on his dc's lives that there is no-one else - there is probably someone else. Maybe not an affair but someone he likes who always seems happy and carefree (probably because she has no children) and so he is comparing her to you.

if the children are 3 and 1, maybe he's having parental remorse and sadly it's made quite easy for men to walk away from their families and go back to their single lifestyle. Ultimately you can't stop him.

Focus on protecting yourself and the dc's. Selfish men have a tendency to want to look after themselves 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th, with what's left after that - maybe - going to their children. When he goes to work, collect and copy any important documents - bank accounts, savings, pensions, anything to do with rent/mortgage, etc.

Do NOT leave the house. Tell him he has to go, etc he cannot say it’s over and expect to stay. If he’s unwilling to go, ring someone who will make him go - parents, friends etc who will make him see sense.

No one thinks they can afford it, but there’s always a way. He will have to stay with family or friends until that’s worked out.

OW is just a symptom of him being an immature twat, it’s no reflection on you.

Sorry you are going through this op I would ask him when he plans on leaving discuss maintenance child contact etc which is obviously not what you want but may be when he realises the practicalities of a divorce it may change his mind to work on your marriage

I would keep an eye out for signs of ow though if you say this is out of the blue and he isn’t particularly stressed or depressed

Do you have sex and are you angry with him?

OP sorry you are so distressed.

Don't assume the worst - there may be no OW. It sounds like your DH feels neglected and this may be an empty threat to get you to take the situation more seriously. He might feel differently in the morning when he looks into the faces of his children. You have not said anything about love. Do you love each other??

Its hard to say what's going on, but this line Indeed, he's been very loving over the last few months. suggests it may be another woman. This is a pattern you see when both men and women are involved with someone else. They will appear happy because they are distracted by the other person. Then apparently out nowhere they will decide to leave, although the actual reason is to be with the other person.

If it was just a general unhappiness you probably would have seen a more gradual build up to him leaving. But still, its hard to say what the actual problem is. Whatever the case, if after divorcing you he comes crawling back (which he may do) hold firm and ignore him.

I really can't bear the thought that this is it and there is nothing I can do. I don't want to be without him and I don't want my children to have their parents split up

I know, truly, I know 🌷

However, the sooner you accept that this is what the stupid fucking bellend thinks he wants, the sooner you can stop putting yourself through more grief. NOTHING you do or say will change his mind. All it will do is prolong the agony and make you feel even worse afterwards.

Like I've said, we weren't perfect and we have arguments and the sex thing has come up before (along with me apparently being angry at him) but I just put it down to being in a long term relationship and not as serious as leading him to be so unhappy he wants a divorce.

He could be cold because he's thought it over and come to a decision. Think back to the argument that caused him to move into the spare room.

The sex thing is obviously a bigger issue for him than for you.

Tell him how shocked you are, that you didn't understand how bad he was feeling and ask - don't beg - for him to give it one last chance. Try and persuade him to go to counselling. Explore anger management for yourself.

After you've done that you'll know you tried.
AFAIK the courts insist on mediation.

Good luck.

Another vote for telling him to pack a bag and leave. If there isn't someone else, then what he is now expecting is for you to start scurrying round doing your best to please him - all his favourite meals cooked and sex every time he looks in your direction.

It's quite simple: if he doesn't want to be with you any more then he needs to get out. He doesn't get to tell you you are unsatisfactory and then expect all the domestic service to carry on as though nothing has changed.

Best wishes.

If he is stubborn and adamant he sees your relationship as finished there is little you can do. You cannot change how he sees you and I think it would be a mistake to try. You need time to process this so I would take a few hours over the weekend to think things through and let him watch the kids. Over the next week or so get your finances assessed, check what maintenance you would be entitled to and benefits. Assuming 50/50 shared custody he needs to pull his weight re childcare etc.

Your children are very young and parenting at this stage is hard so it is easy for couples to lose their way but most of us realise it is temporary and gets easier as the kids grow older. Your DH sounds as if he is not prepared to do that. As your youngest is only 1 is he saying he has been unhappy since their birth?

You could be me: a bolt out of the blue. The children were tiny, there was building work going on in the house that we had moved into, and it had been a gorgeous weekend of birthdays parties with friends and family. I had noticed that I seemed to be the only one talking, when we were in the car, or sitting together in the house - he was monosyllabic and said that work was on his mind.

When he dropped his bombshell - and there was no talking to him because it was a done deal - and after the panic and grief had swept over me, I asked if there was someone else. Somewhere, in my subconscious, a name came into my brain. He nearly fell through the floor because my wild guess was spot on.

What helped me through the next phase included:

1. Counselling, by myself.
2. Him leaving, so that I could begin to come to terms with my change in circumstances.
3. A firm written agreement on finances and co-parenting
4. My refusal to consider divorce until I was in a better frame of mind.
5. Having a shoulder to cry on - and oh boy did I cry.

I'm so sorry that you are going through the exact same thing. It will take time to adjust. It will take time to let go of your anger and grief. But believe me - it will get better.

There IS something you can do.

You can say to your H, on repeat:

‘I KNOW this is not about me. I KNOW you have had your head turned. And I KNOW you are making a huge mistake. This is your fault. This is your fault. Your head has been turned. This is your fault.

What was that? Some kind of post-crush retro-justification...? Like I say, this is your fault.’

Repeat.

Does he get that it isn't just you he is leaving but that he is breaking his promise to his children to create a loving family for them - what does he think he is doing to them? And surely they are worth a small investment of his time in counselling.

He cannot bring two lives into this world and be so cavalier about their future

I'm sorry OP. Everything you do now going forward has to be to protect your interests and your DCs. I hate to say this but his cold demeanor towards you seems clear, he has emotionally moved on from his marriage to you. I can't imagine your shock at being blindsided like this, unfortunately you don't have much time to get up to speed in this situation, he has been thinking and planning for a while.

I don't know if there is an OW but it is more on the rare side for a man to initiate divorce without having someone ready to move onto (sorry) so don't be surprised if this comes out later on. Especially since you describe a normal marriage with young kids, if you had both been having very real and ongoing problems then maybe his desire to divorce wouldn't indicate an OW, but this doesn't sound like that. The fact that he laid the blame for this at your door in this manner (which is bollocks of course) is very cruel of him and indicates he feels guilty so he is trying to convince himself that this is your fault, not his.

You will get plenty of wonderful support and advice here, I guess what I want to say to you is to NOT accept his laying of blame upon you or let him convince you that you've somehow been a bad wife. It's very early to say this but you will get through this and at some point in the future you will realise how happy you are to have moved on from this man and you will see him and his faults more clearly than ever. Keep your head up OP.

I suspect there is an OW lurking in the wings.

Regardless - I would take him at his word that the marriage is irreparable and ask him to leave. You need to concentrate on the dc and YOU to ensure you’re preparing for life without him as a partner.

Don’t be passive about the situation. Take back some control and get support from family, friends, etc, before you both start hating each other from living in the same home as separates parents. It won’t do you any good to have him hanging round.

I think this must be such a scary thing OP. We think we know how the person we are married to is feeling; we think we know them so well. Yet this happens so many times on MN.
He does owe you an opportunity where you both to try hard to make things work but if he is not prepared to do it there is not a lot you can do. It must feel like you have no control of this but you do.
I think you just focus on looking after you and the children in this horrible situation and doing what makes it most doable for you. If you want him out of the house, make that clear. If he stays, don't do things to make his live easier and make sure he does 50:50 childcare.
See a solicitor for advice and make sure any money is protected and can't be removed from accounts by him.
The thing about him being cold and emotionless and detached worried me because it suggests he has put himself first which is why I am suggesting you protect yourself.
Tell your mum or your sister- whoever will support you and be thete for you.

I have a 3 year old and a 1 year old. It is hard work and there are days I just want to get into a bed by myself and sleep for 24 hours. And there are times I feel really fed up. If DH was giving up on me because of that I would feel so let down by him.