My DH has just told me he wants a divorce - completely out of the blue

[Numbandbroken]

As my [new] username suggests, I'm completely numb and heartbroken. My DH has been funny with me all week and finally decided to tell me that he's been unhappy for this year and doesn't see how he can be happy so thinks we should get divorced.

We have been together for more than a decade, married for half of that and have two beautiful children.

His main issues are the lack of sex and affection and that I appear to be miserable all the time.
(To provide some context, in the last year we have moved home and the kids are very young (3 and 1).)

I agree that our sex life has waned and we've discussed it before and made some effort to improve it but then we fall back into old habits - but from when I've chatted to friends it sounds like it's all very similar to what life is like in a longer relationship and with young kids.

The thing about me being miserable is confusing and troubling as I think I'm a happy person so it's sad he sees me so differently. Certainly my friends would never classify me as miserable but he says they don't live with me. Apparently I'm always angry and having a go at him and just never seem to have fun.

We've spent the evening talking and it's like he's just switched off - nothing I say makes a difference. He's not interested in counselling (doesn't see how it could help) and says essentially it's my personality and that I can't change. I have pointed out that for more than 90% of our relationship he's been perfectly happy with my personality so what's to say I can't change back (I say this despite not necessarily agreeing with his issues with my personality).

I don't know what to do - he's now sleeping in the spare room and is a very stubborn person so generally once he's made his mind up, that's it.
I'm so numb I can't even cry. We were far from perfect but never in a million years did I see this coming. I can't believe that he wants to give up our family life so easily. He is not interested in counselling and essentially as everything is on me, if he's not open to me trying then I'm not sure what I can do. Even if I do make changes I just feel like he'll see everything as contrived and fake (even if it's not).

I am devastated. I don't want this. I don't know what to do. I don't really know what I want from this thread but I can't speak to anyone in real life about this yet and I'm not going to sleep tonight.

@Bigblue1970 - why have you taken him back when you're clearly not over his deceit? I can't see how this relationship will last as there is no trust there.

I honestly don't know. I could say it's because I want to keep our family together but I know that isn't the right thing to do. I do love him and there have been times, months even, when things have been great. If I could move past the deceit then the relationship we have is good. He really regrets the affair. Of course he wants to move forward from it and not dwell on the past. We have had counselling together and separately. I think it was so out of the blue and he had always been so governed by his moral code that I am still in shock. I am grieving still for the marriage we had and he's excited for the marriage we can have. I'm now the one not being honest and I hate that. I'm lying when I haven't chosen to be in the position to be lying. It sucks.

@numbabdbroken

It's just the lack of wanting to try everything to sort this that I can't understand. I get he's unhappy but to be so closed off over what are surmountable issues is the thing I can't get my head round.

He has wanted to try, that's why he has raised this a number of times before. Sounds like he feels he has given you enough chances and now has checked out of your marriage. I'm really sorry.

I really don't think the OW stuff is helping here. He isn't telling you 'he loves you but isn't in love with you' he is telling you that he thinks you don't love or care for him and he has had enough imho.

Shut him down OP, tell him he needs out by the end of the week. And today, hire a private investigator to attempt to discover an affair. You are right, relationships over 5 years with kids under 10 are usually fraught with bickering and blame and lack of sex. It's not a good enough reason for divorce with refusal to even try professional support.

slappinthebass

You been reading the same posts as me?

Honestly I think the collective attempt at blameshifting here is pretty shocking.

Of course he could be having an affair or he could just be a very unhappy man who feels he is being neglected in a loveless marriage. Given that the OP has said he has raised concerns several times before I'd prefer to apply Occam's razor.

Actually I do think there’s an OW, and the H here has checked out and is refusing to engage in any solution due to the fact he thinks he’s got a great future waiting him with her and a lot of sex and none of the daily drudgery associated with a long term relationship with two young dc.

It helps in that op needs to know this isn’t her doing, she is not alone is having pushed her H away. He has consciously chosen to check out of his marriage and utterly crush op’s world.

I don’t tihnk anything op says about her marriage is odd or unreasonable for the point at which their marriage is at. Two young dc, jobs and a recent house move of course life is going to be insane. What has the H done to ensure there’s time for intimacy away from the dc for them two together?

OP, Monday get legal advice, check yo7r financial position and get some rl support. You will need it.

More blameshifting. It seems completely okay on MN for women to expect their husbands to put up with stuff they would consider unacceptable if the shoe was on the other foot.

have you told anyone yet OP? I've seen the acting happy - that happened to my when my old DP split up with me as he thought a weight had been lifted and he had permission to do what he wanted.

I think the next thing you say to him is to lay down the law about maintence, shared childcare and crucially when he is moving out.
Also I hope you aren't going to do his washing and cooking for him.

It is an awful thing to happen so quickly but get these things in mind and take control - get as much free legal advice as you can and plan to get professional help.

In terms of couselling I would get it for yourself - it means you can fix what you need to do and when you are paying for legal advice make the best use of time there - don't use a solicitor as a counsellor!

Well that's a bit of a sucker punch. He does sound relieved. Definitely an other woman.

I don't think it's blame shifting Hopoindown31. I know for a fact that had things been the other way around I wouldn't have found solace in starting an affair. Obviously that just makes things a hell of lot worse. Yes, there are always two sides and both have a part to play in the breakdown of communication, affection etc but it's not the other persons fault if her husband has started an affair. That's a weakness in him if that's what has happened. The reason so many people suspect he has is because the script they use, male or female, it's the same script.

Where is the evidence of the affair? Whistling at the breakfast table?

No the fact that a male has the audacity to end a marriage.

You know because it's completely different than when hundreds of MN member encourage people here to LTB. Or when they hold hands when women decide to divorce.
The fact that a male has decided to do this means that he can't possible love his children and should lose absolutely everything.

Once again. OP can not demand he leaves the house.

What that counselling showed me was how important these things are to men and how hurt they are when sex stops. the counsellor brainwashed you then? Made you think that YOU were unreasonable for saying no to sex now and then? Men aren't hurt when sex stops, they are just sulking because they have nothing to put their penis in, and have to do the "job" themselves.

However, we did survive by agreeing to make changes (both of us) in terms of communication and making an effort on my part, and now have a good sex life and happy relationship. This experience has really opened my mind to how emotionally important physical imtimacy is to men and how we ignore that at our peril. Ahh, so YOU made the effort, he got what what he wanted and now he is happy again?? That counselor saw you coming, hey? So how often do you have sex when you don't actually want it?

When a marriage breaks down it is very sad for all involved. Attributing blame is not sensible. We are human and we make mistakes. If there is to be a divorce then it needs to involve as little acrimony as possible.

Could it be he is just happy because he has dealt out his punishment as planned. He has 'given you a piece of his mind' and now 'see how she likes it'. Could he be in a self-pitious world of his own and it is all about him not getting attention.
Do some reality testing. When you come back from shopping, ask to speak to him in the other room or whatever. Ask him ''When did you plan start telling people about the break up? Were you going to tell your parents/whoever today or have you told them alread. Just see what happens when you suggest opening it up to the wider world.
If he seems OK with that, well then you're in trouble love. Best of luck with it.

It's very sad when a marriage ends, it does sound as though he has tried to address the issues but that the OP didn't consider them to be as much of an issue as her H did, simply suggesting that the lack of sex and affection is normal in a long term relationship.

The key point for me is that its the long term relationship aspect which the OP reffered to rather than the young children side of things, as such he probably feels that this is their lot even once the children are older.

If he is unhappy he should end it, its horrible for the OP but in the long term it will be better than living with someone who is resenting the loss of intimacy.

We read often enough about cheaters who were unhappy and the response is generally that if they were unhappy they should have had the good grace to end the relationship before embarking on an affair, whether he is doing that none of us know.

Ask him to leave, seriously, tell him he has to go! His mums or a friend. He will take his decision so much more seriously if the weight of this hits him. I know you don’t want to and it seems final but it’s the best thing you can do if you want a chance to rebuild your relationship with him.

Right now he’s patting himself on the back for ending it, he’s now free to come and go as he pleases whilst his soon to be ex wife continues to let him live the life of luxury, cooking, washing and cleaning for him.

As sure as eggs are eggs he’ll announce later in today he’s out with the lads tonight!

Hop. Blame shifting? The OP has stated that the DH does nothing to help with their very young DC who I assume they agreed to have together. Perhaps if he had she wouldn't be exhausted and would have time for him. What an arse.

Honestly OP don't tie yourself in knots trying to work it out. It's was his responsibility just as much as your to try to improve your marriage if he felt there were problems. What did he do? You've got nothing to be ashamed of, shout it from the rooftops that he wants to end the marriage but won't explain why or leave (if he refuses), hopefully that'll shame him into leaving and open up much needed support for you.

OP hope you are okay.

Had the exact same speech op, keep posting back, it helped me xx

Posted too soon, yes there was another ow, or should I say girl (19) a co-worker he had lined up when I was recovering from surgery. Like others said, keep calm and protect yourself first. Make sure you eat and drink and try to sleep. It's a huge shock.

A divorce will ruin their happiness. He doesn’t get to prioritise his happiness over theirs.

I couldn't disagree more with the above statement. An unhappy marriage will ruin everyone's life, even the children's.

I would not rush to make a decision, but if he's unhappy, plan together how to move on and let him go.

Whether there's an OW or not is irrelevant. He wants to leave, and you need to think of yourself and the children. Don't add extra stress to your life by trying to oppose a decision that he's already taken. I doubt he'll change his mind

Usually, when a man has been complaining that he doesn't get his dick wet often enough, his partner has been asking him to do his share domestically and sometimes look after the children so she gets a break. He's either ignored this or done about half an hour of housework and whipped his dick out, expecting his 'reward'.

Men still tend to consider themselves the 'person' in a relationship, and that their female partners should meet their needs uncomplainingly.

I agree with PP who suggested asking this man if he has told his parents/friends yet? And if not, when is he going to tell them, and when is he going to move out? There are men who use the threat of ending the relationship purely in order to scare the woman into compliance - stop nagging and put out more or you will be SINGLE.

@MadMum101 I actually said he is an excellent father and he pulls his weight.

I've now spoke to my brother and best friend. I went out but just felt like crying so it wasn't really enjoyable. He's not told anyone apart from his brother. I think his mother would probably try and help us have counselling actually. I just don't know if I can bring myself to tell my parents. Part of me wants to drive to theirs now and talk it through but that would mean missing the afternoon with my kids which I don't want to do.

Go talk to your parents. More support for you, more time for him to parent solo. Win/win.