Bf loves his kids waaaay more than me - aibu?

[HelpfulHermione]

I have a complicated long distance relationship. A few months in. I am very much in love and everything is perfect.

Except... he tells me quite often that his children are his priority and they come first always. Which is of course how it should be. I have DCs too.

But yesterday it reached a whole new level. And I was told, quite explicitedly, that being with his DCs will always be his favourite thing to do and nothing else comes close.

“I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”

“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

“I want to be with them, not other people”

I am not a demanding partner. I have my own life and plenty to be getting on with. I never ask for anything. If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine.

But somehow he always finds a way to remind me exactly where I stand.

Of course his young children should come first. I would never expect anything else.

So why do I feel so shit? And why do I have zero interest in spending time with someone as their 2nd choice.

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

That's kind of weird
I mean of course his kids should be his top priority but to say that he'd always rather spend time with them than anything else is a bit odd. Parents still need their own identity and adult relationships, that's important.

Yeah, sorry! Prepare to get some harsh responses. I’m surprised you don’t understand it as you’re a mother yourself. Does that mean you love your partner more your kids?

If you date someone with children you will always be second choice. That doesn’t mean it can’t work but if you want more than that then it does mean the two of you probably aren’t compatible

No... absolutely not more. Equal but different. I enjoy spending time away from my children occasionally doing other things than make me happy. Because being happy and begin with my children aren’t mutually exclusive.

Please take the title with a pinch of salt. If you read my post I hope you can see that’s not quite what I meant.

It depends really. Is he the NRP? I live with my kids full time so I'm happy to have a break from them. If they didn't live with me or I only saw them part time I would probably cling onto every visit I had, and would never put seeing anybody else above them.

He lives with them. And his ex

He lives with his ex?

It's clear from OP that she knows it goes without saying that children come first.

That's the weird thing. It goes without saying, so why does he feel the need to repeatedly tell you. Especially when he knows as a parent yourself, you know fully well how it is.

If you're not being overly demanding of his time, then it's unlikely he's saying it to make you back off. It almost sounds like he's got a point to prove to you.

It's like those bloody Facebook mothers, "ohhhhhh #blessed my everything ohhhhhh my heart my absolute world"

They're supposed to be your world. That's the fucking point

The only reason I would be physically pointing out to a DP that my children came first, would be if they were acting in a way that required me to spell it out to them. It normally doesn't need saying.

I most certainly would not suck that up. He’s telling you he doesn’t have room for you in his life. Believe him. Most normal people make room in their lives for a partner. It doesn’t mean they don’t love their kids. My DH hasn’t been demoted to second because we had a baby - DH plus DC are my family and I love and prioritise them equally.

My exh used to do this. I KNEW and agreed that his daughter should come first but didn't need to be reminded constantly.

He lives with his ex
Run away as fast as you can.

He lives with his ex.

Run, fast and far

Great x post

You have a complicated long distance relationship with a man who lives with his ex partner and their children ???

He lives with his ex?

Oops another x post !

Yes, he lives with his ex while he works towards buying his own place.

He doesn’t want to spend time away from his DCs at the weekends and doesn’t want me to spend time with them all as it will upset the cart with his ex (I get that spending time with them is too soon but what gets my goat is that’s not why it’s not in offer).

Do that leaves he odd midweek night.

But I’m having trouble getting my head around how being with his DCs make him the happiest he can be. But during the week it’s ok for him to be with someone who makes him less happy.

Scrap everything. He lives with his ex.

Leave now whilst it's only been a few months.

We talk (and joke) about the fact we both love the baby more than each other and anyone else in the world, but we still make time for each other and make an effort to make each other feel loved - it’s not an either/or situation; love isn’t a finite resource you need to ration out. I agree with previous posters that it’s unnecessary for him to keep going on about it to you. What’s he trying to achieve?

And I too would feel funny about him living with his ex.

Sounds too complicated. Give up on this one and maybe take some time to find yourself

I think the OP means the children have shared custody, ie they live with her DP some of the time and his ex the remainder.

And OP, yes, he sounds horrible. He is literally TELLING you that you come second best.

Does his ex even know about you?

It sounds to me (with your occasional midweeker) that you may be the OW without even realising it.

Oh blimey in that case another reason to dump him

He’s going to have problems when they grow up and have lives of their own / leave home.