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Original poster

Bf loves his kids waaaay more than me - aibu?

201 replies

HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 09:15

I have a complicated long distance relationship. A few months in. I am very much in love and everything is perfect.

Except... he tells me quite often that his children are his priority and they come first always. Which is of course how it should be. I have DCs too.

But yesterday it reached a whole new level. And I was told, quite explicitedly, that being with his DCs will always be his favourite thing to do and nothing else comes close.

“I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”

“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

“I want to be with them, not other people”

I am not a demanding partner. I have my own life and plenty to be getting on with. I never ask for anything. If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine.

But somehow he always finds a way to remind me exactly where I stand.

Of course his young children should come first. I would never expect anything else.

So why do I feel so shit? And why do I have zero interest in spending time with someone as their 2nd choice.

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

OP posts:
RedLife · 04/10/2018 09:42

Are you 100 % sure she is an "ex"?

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:43

He doesn't live with his ex. She's not an ex. He's kidding you on. You're his bit on the side. Stop wasting your time. You're on to a non-starter here.

SlowlyShrinking · 04/10/2018 09:44

So he’s having an affair with you? It doesn’t sound like his ex is actually an ex...

Original poster
HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 09:44

mushroom no, I mean they all live together all the time.

She doesn’t know about me. His friends and family do

OP posts:
AliceRR · 04/10/2018 09:45

It’s weird that he feels the need to make that point to you but I do thjnk sometimes NRPs try to make up for what they feel they are not giving their kids by overcompensating in some ways eg expressing that he couldn’t possibly enjoy spending time with anyone else as much as them. If that were the case then he could spend all his time with his children and not have you around.

I realise in this case he is almost a RP as he lives with the ex and the kids but it sounds like he should be thinking about moving or and maybe he doesn’t want to leave the kids’ home?

Maybe he doesn’t want to leave the ex?

It is a weird situation.

I can understand why you feel a bit rubbish!

LeftRightCentre · 04/10/2018 09:45

She doesn’t know about me.

Yeah, I'll bet she doesn't!

CarolDanvers · 04/10/2018 09:47

Well I prefer being with my kids above anyone else too, I don’t think that is “weird”, they’re actually the nicest and funniest people I know. I don’t feel the need to remind people of it constantly though and when I had a boyfriend I certainly never said it to him. I think this man doesn’t actually think all that much of you and is keeping you right in your place, making sure you don’t get ideas above your station. Dump.

DolorestheNewt · 04/10/2018 09:48

A family member is in this position with her BF. She loves her kids (who are now adults) more than she loves him, too, but the problem is that when the BF says his DC comes first, what he actually means is, whenever I can, I'm always going to use the fact that I've got to put DC first to get my way in everything and try to ignore your needs as far as possible, despite the fact that I'm earning very good money and living in your house and complaining about every penny I have to part with in order to pay my way because it gets in the way of my spending it on my hobby and on my DC.

Yes, a parent should love their kids more than their partner. But it's not a convenient way of completely ignoring the needs of the partner.

Ragwort · 04/10/2018 09:49

He doesn't sound at all ready for a new (adult) relationship.

Leave him, move on with your own life.

I have a friend who actually says this all the time, although she has hobbies, interests and a husband - she is utterly overwhelmed with love for her (adult) children and makes it clear that she would rather be with them than doing anything else - I find it a bit odd too - and she is obsessively interested in every detail of their own lives.

Fatted · 04/10/2018 09:49

Frankly, it sounds like he is actually still in a relationship with his 'ex' and just sees you as a bit on the side while his missus is away.

You are better off out of this situation whatever it is!

EK36 · 04/10/2018 09:50

He lives with his wife? I would run away now.

paxillin · 04/10/2018 09:50

Are you sure she's his ex and not his unaware wife?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 09:50

How long have they supposedly been split up?

How long have you been together?

I love DS more than a love DH. If they both needed a kidney I would give it DS. HOWEVER the visa comment about how he doesn't need anyone else in his life is odd when he's dating someone else. You will always be the thing to do when his kids at busy. In the back burner for a boring night. You'll see him more as they get older but he'll always cancel an important date with you because his 18 Yr doesn't want to catch the bus to town.

Is leave now. You talk about how in love you are but on the basis of what? A few dates when he couldn't see the kids? This isn't a relationship

KlutzyDraconequus · 04/10/2018 09:51

Have you met his friends and family? Cause if you haven't,, I'd guess you're the other woman...

NormaLouiseBates · 04/10/2018 09:52

I'm sorry OP but this "relationship" is far from "perfect".

He's telling you that you're no where near as important to him as he is to you. Please listen to him. Find your self respect and move on.

adaline · 04/10/2018 09:52

Ah come on, they're still together!

speakout · 04/10/2018 09:54

You are having an affair with a married man OP.

He is having sex with his wife.

She doesn't know about the affair.

You are the fancy woman.

GET OUT!!!!

Loonoon · 04/10/2018 09:54

He is telling you very loud and clear that he is not that into you and will never be that into you. I think deep down you know this which is why what he says bothers you enough to post it here. Listen to him and move on before you become even more emotionally invested. Find someone closer who will be more available to you in practical and emotional ways.

lottiegarbanzo · 04/10/2018 09:55

Gosh! We all love our dcs, probably more than anyone else in the world, forever and think they're the best dcs ever - as of course do you. That point just doesn't need to be made to someone with their own dcs.

So, "I want to be with them, not other people” should have been followed immediately with "including me?". If yes, "bye then". The end.

I love my dc and spending time with other people and hobbies. I think these things, in balance, make us all happier and feed back positively into each other (can involve dcs in hobbies when ready, gain perspective and new ideas from other people etc). You need to date someone like me instead (but you know, someone available and attractive to you!).

Wheresthebeach · 04/10/2018 09:55

Oh FFS - run!

FullOfJellyBeans · 04/10/2018 09:55

There's a difference between being with your children and them being your first priority which is all as it should be and hating all time spent away from them and not caring at all about other relationships. Of course his children are the most important relationships but he seems to be implying that he doesn't care at all about his other relationships which is of course going to be off putting if you're his girlfriend.

Gersemi · 04/10/2018 09:58

I’m surprised you don’t understand it as you’re a mother yourself.

I'm surprised that anyone, mother or not, doesn't understand that it really is quite odd for an adult not to want to see other people, have hobbies or have friends because all he wants to do is be with his children. It must be really quite suffocating for them, and how on earth is he going to cope when they become more and more independent?

Villainelle · 04/10/2018 09:59

Sounds like he's still in a relationship and using his kids as an excuse why he can't see you at weekends. Even if not he still sounds like a fanny.

TwistedStitch · 04/10/2018 09:59

So he lives full time with his wife and kids in the family home. I guess telling you that his kids come first so he can't see you much is easier for him than telling you that you are the OW and he can't get away at weekends.

Why on earth are you in this 'relationship'?

Eliza9917 · 04/10/2018 10:00

@HelpfulHermione Thu 04-Oct-18 09:35:14
Yes, he lives with his ex while he works towards buying his own place.

He doesn’t want to spend time away from his DCs at the weekends and doesn’t want me to spend time with them all as it will upset the cart with his ex (I get that spending time with them is too soon but what gets my goat is that’s not why it’s not in offer).

Do that leaves he odd midweek night.

She's not his ex.

This thing about only wanting to spend time with his children is bullshit to cover for him only wanting to give you attention while she's off doing something else/being able to get out.

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