Bf loves his kids waaaay more than me - aibu?

[HelpfulHermione]

I have a complicated long distance relationship. A few months in. I am very much in love and everything is perfect.

Except... he tells me quite often that his children are his priority and they come first always. Which is of course how it should be. I have DCs too.

But yesterday it reached a whole new level. And I was told, quite explicitedly, that being with his DCs will always be his favourite thing to do and nothing else comes close.

“I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”

“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

“I want to be with them, not other people”

I am not a demanding partner. I have my own life and plenty to be getting on with. I never ask for anything. If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine.

But somehow he always finds a way to remind me exactly where I stand.

Of course his young children should come first. I would never expect anything else.

So why do I feel so shit? And why do I have zero interest in spending time with someone as their 2nd choice.

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

Another point, why does he need months to save up for a deposit on a rental place?

Ok. Either he

• isn’t really separated from ex and wants to keep you secret
• is separated but the kids don’t know yet
• is separated but not really ready to make a clean break yet (and therefore not ready for new relationship)

I personally think it sounds like you should have a “break” and try again IF you both feel like it when he is all set up with his house etc. It’s just not going to work in this current set up. Sorry to be blunt

I'm afraid I was like this with DH when we first met. DS was 7 at the time and I possibly had severe single parent guilt. DS's father left when he was 5 weeks old so it had always been just me and DS. Now DH was okay with it and over the years he does just as much for DS as I do and no-one feels neglected because we've all grown together as a unit. It's a very different type of love and there should be no competition. But the child needs you more than the partner, so that's where your (his) priorities have to lie.
Obviously though I wasn't living with DS's father. You'll need to feel that he's serious about you. Sounds like he hasn't had time for the dust to settle on his old relationship.

My dear, you are a few months into a long distance relationship

Therefore if we look at the 'currency' generated in a relationship where you are not living in different parts of the country/world, the fact that you know this guy a few months at long distance means that in real terms it's all about YOUR perception of what he says/is/means. The currency going into the relationship bank balance is imaginary.

To build the balance, it's all about Actions not words.

Bear in mind that with a LDF words is all you have really, and he is already TELLING YOU that you're not on his radar as much as he is on yours. I think - and this is extremely common in OLD and LDF - that there is a massive amount of future faking going on in your relationship.

If he's telling you just enough to keep you calling him, then potentially it's cheap talk because clearly, he's in no position to make a proper go of this relationship any time soon. he can make all the future promises he likes, because it's not actually going to happen. I would also expect that even when he DOES move out, the kids won't be told because it will upset them, he'll keep you at arms length etc and you will be no further forward. At the moment I suspect you are the sticking plaster for his ego, you are softening the blow, but not someone he wants to be with long term. You may even be something he knows he has over his STBX.

If you are driving this, then you are - and I mean this gently - conning yourself into imagining a relationship that in all probability isn't there. He has done very little to earn the title of BOYFRIEND.

I have done OLD and tbh the 'Oh my kids are my life' lot are just paying lip service a lot of the time, so I do whenever I hear it. I'm a FT parent and have always enjoyed some level of ME time, even if it's just after DC bedtime. I know you know this and feel similar, and perhaps having a bloke that is miles away means that your priorities aren't challenged, I get this. My OH, when I first met him would spend every weekend either away with his DC or have DC with him, it meant that he and I saw each other during the week and at weekends I'd have time with my own DC and life balanced well, nobody compromised.

For me, this guy isn't ready to date. He's still living in the family home and the day that he leaves or gets the divorce will be a tough process to get through and his priorities and perspective will change. YOU are not his therapist, that's not a role anyone should ever take on, it ruins the relationship dynamic.

In short I think he has not grieved his relationship, he's done that bloke thing... NEXT!

If you were my best friend or my DD, I would recommend that you tell him that as lovely as he is, that you want more than a part-time relationship with someone on the same page as you. someone who knows what they want, has had the time to process and heal from the breakdown of the relationship with the mother of his kids, who's settled into a childcare routine, etc etc etc.

I would say the same to a man if he were dating a woman still living with an ex.

Jesus that sounds ott. I love my kids but love spending time with my husband away from them more.

His whole set up - and behaviour - suggests that he doesn’t want an additional serious relationship. (On top of his relationship with his ex, whether or not the relationship is still sexual).

You say you love him, so you’re highly likely to be hurt.

It’s unkind of him to repeatedly state things that don’t need saying, but in a way it’s good - he’s clearly telling you who he is and what he is and isn’t offering you. He’s not offering anywhere near enough to justify staying with him IMO

OP, in the nicest possible way, this is never going to work.

Have some self respect and listen to what you're being told about your place in his life.

You deserve better .

It's so obvious to us, OP, that this guy is still married and still living as a married man. He hasn't told his wife about you; that will be because she thinks he's with her.

Think about it. If they had split up but were living together for financial reasons, she'd be delighted if he disappeared a few times a week. It's incredibly stressful trying to stay sane when someone you're divorcing is living with you.

He's lying to you and he's lying to her. And frankly, I hope she never comes downstairs and witnesses his video calls to you.

ShalomJackie
Does his ex even know about you? It sounds to me (with your occasional midweeker) that you may be the OW without even realising it.

I agree with your comment. I think he may call her his ex but they are actually married and he probably is using you. Sorry to say that.

If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine. Really?
You've agreed a contract which favours one party enormously, because they can opt in or out as they please. You will jump up and comply when it suits them, because you need their service so badly you will pay any price to get it.
He likes to get the shag off you, but then if you put ANY pressure on him you get put in your place by his morals about what a good Dad he is. He shuts you down for asking for as much as a square inch of commitment. If he's doing MORE of this rather than LESS of this as time goes on, what does that say about the direction things are taking?
How will things change once he's got his own place? This 'getting my own place' sounds like a carrot he is dangling on a stick to keep you onside.

Run away now. Honestly, all you have ahead of you is heartache. Sorry OP

If you date someone with children you will always be second choice

This ^

But not to have hobbies or friends because of his children is seriously creepy.

His kids might be desperate for a break from their suffocating father . . .

And if I were you, I would break from him now. You're never going to get anywhere with him, and he will cancel dates/ weekends away etc at the drop of a hat if one of them decides they want to be with dad that day.

You can focus his mind and pretend to be considering moving to where he is so that you can spend more time with each other and progress your relationship, Ask him what he thinks about that!

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

actually no you don't - you could go and find someone else who has a more balanced life

your choice

How can you be having a relationship when he is effectively still married, apart from the fact he still lives in the family home. I never understand peoples need to date whilst separated, get divorced first, get yourself in an emotionally good place so that you are ready for a new relationship.

He is not in a position to be in a relationship with you right now. He is still enmeshed with his ex(?) and his DC. That is unlikely to change for some time. How long are you prepared to hang on pick up scraps of attention?

If he is truly seperated from his wife and living under the same roof (which does happen quite regularly) there are still plenty of red flags. He's either worried that his wife is going to kick off and cause him problems if she finds out, he's simply not ready to move on, or he just has a really unhealthy obsession with his kids. Any of these are good reasons for you to not bother with this relationship. It's only early days, he's not ready to put enough effort in, you may as well cut your losses and move on.

He's telling you who he is, listen to him.
I do think that someone's children should be more important to them anything else and that is where his priorities should lie. You wouldn't want someone who had children with his first wife and then couldn't be bothered with them after a split.

However, this sounds like something completely different. He is using them as an excuse to not have to see you so often.
He is living with his ex and the children. Is she really his ex?
It does happen that people split and have to live together for quite a long time until things are sorted out (I know a couple going through this at the moment) so maybe he is telling the truth about that.
But to be honest, I smell a rat here.

In your position, I would end it with him (no more booty calls one evening a week...) and say if he is still interested he should get in touch again once he is really in the position to begin a new relationship - ie. living in his own place, custody arrangements for the children sorted out etc

It just has no future as it is at the minute. He's told you how important his children are so he isn't going to want to move to where you live - this means you would have to move near to him. Are you prepared to do that?

He's not your boyfriend OP. He's somebody else's husband.

Write it down in bullet points
. He lives with his ex
. She doesn't know about you
. He has kids who he doesn't want to know about you
. He spends the odd weekend eve with you and video calls
. He's told you that nothing makes him happier than being with his children

Now tell me why you think this relationship has a future.

Thank you everyone - I appreacire the replies. I’m just flicking through them now.

Whether or not I was the OW depends on your definition. We met online while both technically attached but both had been shat on by our partners from a great height some time before. We left our partners shortly after we met and before we had considered our friendship anything serious.

I know that what he’s told me is true. For arguments sake, let’s just pretend you lot trust my judgment on that one.

So back to my original question, why does this make me feel so shit. Well, I would never ever expect someone to love me like they love their children. I love my children unconditionally and would never love someone else like that. But it’s the line about preferring his DCs company to anything else in the world that really hurts. So this means that whenever we’re together, no matter what we’re doing, he would always rather be with his kids.

Maybe there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just different to how I feel. My relationship with my bf is of equal importance to me as my relationship with my children. I enjoy his company as much as I enjoy my childrens. That doesn’t mean I’m prepared to love my children less or love him with the lack of conditions with which I love my children.

So, really, all else aside, I think that says it all.

There is also the tiny ‘read between the lines’ inference that he is the better parent.

And they weren’t married. Not that that makes a difference really.

You can focus his mind and pretend to be considering moving to where he is so that you can spend more time with each other and progress your relationship, Ask him what he thinks about that!

If I did that he’d be there moving in with me in an instant

(I know you don’t believe me)

She doesn’t know about me.

I'll bet she doesn't.

I do believe he has left his ex

Yeah, but he hasn't though has he? He lives in the same house as her. He's not 'gone' anywhere.

Honestly, I don't buy for a second that she's an 'ex'. I suspect they are having issues (her husband wanting to have his cake and eat it for example), they have 'separated' (separate bedrooms etc) but she still thinks that they will work things out, this is just a blip, they just need some time. Hence the living in the same house and not wanting her or the kids to know about you. I imagine that the version of events you and his family/friends have been told (who, at best, are as in the dark about this as you are and are just playing along so as not to rock the boat and at worst are actively colluding in him deceiving his wife) is VERY different to the version his wife has.

Run far, far away. This man is not worth your time.

My dh has a dd and yes she is one of the most important people in his life and he will say that, as he includes me and dsd as joint top of the list.

As for living with the ex?!! I'm with all the others. Run and don't look back, he's never leaving that place she's probably got him paying all the bills plus CM.