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Original poster

Bf loves his kids waaaay more than me - aibu?

201 replies

HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 09:15

I have a complicated long distance relationship. A few months in. I am very much in love and everything is perfect.

Except... he tells me quite often that his children are his priority and they come first always. Which is of course how it should be. I have DCs too.

But yesterday it reached a whole new level. And I was told, quite explicitedly, that being with his DCs will always be his favourite thing to do and nothing else comes close.

“I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”

“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

“I want to be with them, not other people”

I am not a demanding partner. I have my own life and plenty to be getting on with. I never ask for anything. If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine.

But somehow he always finds a way to remind me exactly where I stand.

Of course his young children should come first. I would never expect anything else.

So why do I feel so shit? And why do I have zero interest in spending time with someone as their 2nd choice.

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

OP posts:
RaspberryBeret34 · 04/10/2018 11:06

At best, he's feeling incredibly guilty about the split and the fact that in the future he won't be able to see his kids so much and is overcompensating now. At worst, he's stringing you along, you'll always be second choice and he's warning you in advance that his children won't just come first but will be everything to him with you as a bit part player in his life. Fine if you are of exactly the same mentality (although I'm not sure how that would work - I guess it'd be a very hands off relationship) but not fine as you sound like you have a more balanced attitude.

Are his children very young (younger than yours) so he's still in that hugely "in love" phase with them which, coupled with the guilt of their relationship split is making behave like this?

I think whether it's best case or worst case scenario or a combination of the 2, the best thing would be to finish it now. Allow him to navigate through this tricky period by himself and fully come to terms with the end of his marriage and not seeing his children as much. Let him work out the life he wants and maybe later down the line, if you are still single, you can see how things are and decide if it works for you to have a part of it. If you keep seeing him, I think he'll find a way to blame you no matter how understanding you are.

My DS 100% comes first of course and I adore spending time with him but I don't tell my boyfriend that I prefer spending time with DS! It is possible to have both lovely time with kids AND lovely time with a new BF/GF. It's just a different thing with no comparison required. It always worries me on dating profiles when men say their kids come first (goes without saying as far as I'm concerned!).

eelbecomingforyou · 04/10/2018 11:06

Is he Peter Andre?

IrianOfW · 04/10/2018 11:08

Its called managing your expectations.' Woman, prepare for a lifetime of scraps and leftovers ! My wife and children come first'

theOtherPamAyres · 04/10/2018 11:09

This is a man who is looking at his future as a "part-time" dad, and doesn't like it. He prefer to live with his children, in their home. He won't get that day-in-day-out involvement if he buys his own property.

He's not ready for a new relationship. His wife (I'm guessing) is not amenable to a reconciliation and has asked him to make his bed on the sofa. He's coming to terms with that situation and is probably beating himself up about ruining his future as a dad.

I think he's using you as a respite from his worries, and nothing more. It is cruel of him to remind you repeatedly that you are at the very bottom of his priorities. Find something else to do, and become unavailable when he's due to visit next time.

eelbecomingforyou · 04/10/2018 11:09

Leaving aside the whole 'is he still with hs wife?' issue, I would not be happy with this:

"I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”
“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

It's weird. Even if you're a parent, you are still allowed to be your own person, have friends and hobbies and do non-child-related things. What's he gonna do when his kids are teens and don't want to spend time with him?!

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 11:11

No thank you, I woukd run for the hills. He sounds utterly obsessed, and living with his ex too. Yes of course children come first, but what he is saying has big red flags. You love yiur children differently to your partner, spending time with partner can also be a favourite thing. Not all or nothing. Dump and run love.

MemoryOfSleep · 04/10/2018 11:11

OK, so he's split with his wife, recently enough that he's still living with her, yet you are a few months into the relationship. I can think of a few scenarios in which this works :

  1. Did you, by any chance, start the relationship while he was still with his wife? And he's since 'left' her for you, but has told her there is no one else and that's not the reason he wants to split, hence the secrecy and continued living together? She thinks it's fixable and he wants to keep it that way? Either that or
  1. He's gotten over the marriage incredibly quickly and you're the rebound. Or, of course,
  1. They've not split at all.

Either way, he doesn't come out of this smelling of roses, OP. Be very wary. Especially as you have your own kids to think about.

ArtemisWeatherwax · 04/10/2018 11:13

Is he Peter Andre? I sniggered at that Grin

slkk · 04/10/2018 11:16

My dh used to say things like this when he was going through a bit of a guilt and anxiety crisis. He says now that he was trying to make me finish with him. He failed.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 11:16

Wow no thank you, he sounds like he is not ready for a serious relationship. I would run for the hills, it sounds a mess. I know kids come first, but you love your partner in a different way to your kids. You will always come at the bottom of the pile. Living with his ex, sounds like he has a lovely family unit right there, and your there for a bit on the side.

HarryPottersSecretSister · 04/10/2018 11:18

eelbecomingforyou

I have to admit that I felt a bit embarrassed (for myself) when I seen people pointing this out as a negative. Have to hold my hands up to the fact that I'm definitely like this Blush

I love spending time with my kids and I do genuinely prefer it to anything in the world.
I don't have any hobbies at the minutes and I don't go out with friends because I prefer to be with them.

In my defence, I just really enjoy them and they're still quite young (7,8 and 12) and I work full time. I'm happily married to their dad so do maintain some relationships outside of my relationship with them but I absolutely, 100% love my children more than him and he knows this (he loves them more than he loves me too, I'd be concerned if he didn't)
I definitely don't feel the need to tell anyone in RL this (even once, not repeatedly) because I couldn't be arsed/ don't know why I would. I presumed it was a given Confused

Suppose I just think that of all the issues that have been raised on this thread, I'm a little bemused that (even though this was the initial concern raised by the OP) this part would be a negative.

HarryPottersSecretSister · 04/10/2018 11:19

when I say 'I work full time', I mean that my time is limited so I prefer to use all my non working time with my children over going out with friends or hobbies etc.

crochetmonkey74 · 04/10/2018 11:19

I think she's probably not an ex

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/10/2018 11:26

It’s a big red flag. My DP did this during our relationship, it was another way of saying that he didn’t have to bother with our relationship.

It’s rubbish for the kids too, he should be encouraging them in activities and friendships, not smothering them.

eelbecomingforyou · 04/10/2018 11:26

Suppose I just think that of all the issues that have been raised on this thread, I'm a little bemused that (even though this was the initial concern raised by the OP) this part would be a negative.

But I replied to this bit because that's what the OP asked about!

We have no idea what OP's partner's living arrangements are, so it's pointless to speculate.

We are all different. Most of us need time away from our dc to recharge our batteries, feel like adults again, let our hair down, whatever. Some people don't. Fair enough.

But I think you have to think about what example you're setting to the kids: they will know you love them and you're always there for them, but they won't have the example of seeing you go out with friends, play a sport, they won't see you enjoying a hobby.

Missingstreetlife · 04/10/2018 11:35

Get the land line number and call his wife (or write to her) she will put you straight.
This has nothing to do with loving his kids (not saying he doesnt, but he is putting their security at risk)

Ellie56 · 04/10/2018 11:36

I don't think this "relationship" is going anywhere... Hmm

Santaclarita · 04/10/2018 11:38

Have you met his family and friends or do they just know about you?

If they just know about you, they probably don't. He's likely still with his ex. Sofa beds don't take long to put down and put back up either remember. Might be doing that just for show.

You're going to stay with him though. Good luck. You're gonna need it.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 04/10/2018 11:45

I agree with eelbecomingforyou. I don't think it's healthy to make anyone the centre of your entire universe whether that's children or a partner.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 04/10/2018 11:50

Oh OP, you’re the OW.

notfunnyhaha85 · 04/10/2018 11:50

How often do you see each other? It sounds very much like he uses being with his children as an excuse to not spend any time with you, possibly because he can't get the time away from his wife?

Im sorry OP, this just screams reg flags at me. I'm speaking from an unfortunate experience with a man who had 'split up' from his wife and could never seem to tear himself away from his children for weeks at a time...because he was still married and only traveled to see me when he wanted a quick shag Angry

SassitudeandSparkle · 04/10/2018 11:52

Have you met any of his friends and family? I doubt it. Gather what is left of your dignity and walk away, because you are the OW in this scenario. He is married. How often do you actually see him?

Lovemusic33 · 04/10/2018 11:57

Sorry OP but why are you seeing someone who’s still shacked up with their wife? He probably has no plans on moving out as he’s getting everything he wants there other than sex which he gets from you.

Yes of course children should always come first but he doesn’t need to keep telling you. Something doesn’t seem right, a few things are not right. He should have sorted out his shit before getting together with someone else, he should have waited until he had moved out of the family home and had access to his kids sorted, to put this on someone else is just selfish and to keep reminding you that he would rather be with his kids than you is just weird.

Sorry but I would LTB and find someone who has their life sorted out.

alwayswingingit · 04/10/2018 11:58

So sorry OP but I think you are his woman on the side, and he is more than likely still with this woman. Find someone else I say. You deserve better. I have been in similar situation and only when I have left did I see what a total fuck up of a man he was. Please leave.

Mamabear12 · 04/10/2018 12:00

To me it sounds like he is rubbing it in. Of course kids come first, but you don't need to remind and rub it in your partners face every single day!! GEEZ.

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