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Original poster

Bf loves his kids waaaay more than me - aibu?

201 replies

HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 09:15

I have a complicated long distance relationship. A few months in. I am very much in love and everything is perfect.

Except... he tells me quite often that his children are his priority and they come first always. Which is of course how it should be. I have DCs too.

But yesterday it reached a whole new level. And I was told, quite explicitedly, that being with his DCs will always be his favourite thing to do and nothing else comes close.

“I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”

“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

“I want to be with them, not other people”

I am not a demanding partner. I have my own life and plenty to be getting on with. I never ask for anything. If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine.

But somehow he always finds a way to remind me exactly where I stand.

Of course his young children should come first. I would never expect anything else.

So why do I feel so shit? And why do I have zero interest in spending time with someone as their 2nd choice.

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

OP posts:
GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 04/10/2018 10:22

@HelpfulHermione ask yourself honestly if you need all of this crap just a few months in. I suspect you really don't. Cut your losses. Someone else will come along and make you feel and his dc feel like you're equally important. Thanks he's a twat.

TeacupTattoo · 04/10/2018 10:22

The thing is, your kids being priority should just be a given - you don't have to say it as it just is. That doesn't mean adult relationships aren't of value! I love my husband AND my children, differently but it's all love.
It all sounds messy at the minute, if I were you I would take a step back until he has his own place.

Angelf1sh · 04/10/2018 10:24

Are you sure you’re not just unwittingly having an affair with this guy?

chemicalworld · 04/10/2018 10:24

If he has split from her, which was the case with my ex. I had known him for 20 years and I knew what was going on his life, what he is feeling now is guilt about what the split might do to his kids.

Believe me, this is going to be a tough road for him. He's got to go through leaving the house, possibly selling it and through all of this he will be feeling guilt. My ex has confessed to me that I kept him going through this time, I was an escape - and he is not in a position to give you what you need and deserve right now. I wish I had been strong enough in myself to know this but as I say, I was blinded.

If you want to DM me, then do, as I can empathise.

If they HAVE split, then the very least he needs to do is tell his ex about you.

Mossend · 04/10/2018 10:26

I'd find this a bit strange.

It should be an absolute given that his children come first, what I find worrying is the fact he needs to repeatedly tell you. In my experience the people who are always too keen to tell you their kids come first are trying to convince themselves because they know their priority is themselves.

beeefcake · 04/10/2018 10:27

OP sorry but you sound like his bit on the side

You have no idea what's going on in that house.

TwistedStitch · 04/10/2018 10:27

That doesn't mean anything. She could have gone to bed early, or be co-sleeping. He could go and join her after your call. Or they could have separate beds and still be having sex.

But even if they have separated he isn't honest about your relationship and makes excuses not to see you. Why are you bothering?

FruitofAutumn · 04/10/2018 10:27

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TwistedStitch · 04/10/2018 10:29

My DP spends most nights on the sofa because of snoring and crappy shift patterns messing up his sleep. If he wanted to he could easily video call another woman and I'd be oblivious. But we are still very much together and have regular sex.

ILoveHumanity · 04/10/2018 10:29

maybe he thinks you will love him more for being a devoted father and it makes him look attractive ?

Have you asked him: “ it’s wonderful that your children are your priority, but the fact you keep repeating it to me makes me wonder if you are trying to push me away and not have any space for me in your thoughts. Imagine everytime we meet I keep telling you how I would rather be with my kids”.

See his response. He might be surprised as he might’ve thought he was achieving the opposite result

trulybadlydeeply · 04/10/2018 10:31

This man is adorned with red flag bunting.

Of course a parent should prioritise their children, but a healthy life should always involve time with other people, other family members, friends, partner etc, also activities that do not involve them, such a sports or hobbies. A parent that is so focused on their children to this extent will soon become overbearing and suffocating.

However the whole situation is suspect - they may be "separated" but I bet that he never actually leaves. Do you talk about plans to be together in the future?

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

TheClitterati · 04/10/2018 10:42

You deserve a lot better than the pitiful scraps this guy is feeding you OP.

Bluesmartiesarebest · 04/10/2018 10:43

Op, you deserve better. Don’t waste any more time on this man. Whether he has left his wife or not he has made it very clear that he isn’t free to be with you financially, emotionally or physically because he is still very much living as a married man. Sorry to be blunt but there is nothing complicated about this relationship as he is just using you for sex.

I went on a date with a man in a similar situation many years ago and I told him to get in contact with me once he had his decree absolute. I never heard from him again. This type of man is usually very charming and seems so genuine but sad to say it’s always an act. If he wanted to leave his marriage nothing would stop him.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 04/10/2018 10:44

What's the point in investing in this affair relationship when you both have DC so neither of you will be able to move for a good while yet? Of course it's all lovely and perfect at the moment - just as in a real affair you both see each other dolled up and on your best behaviour. Nothing to intrude such as his skiddy pants on the floor or having to take the bins out. He's neither physically or emotionally ready or able to be in an adult relationship. At best this whole situation is just an illusion and you will always be very last in the pecking order behind him and his wants.

SlowDown76mph · 04/10/2018 10:45

Cut your (emotional) losses. This is a non-runner. Have a think about why you may set your bar so low.

SummerGems · 04/10/2018 10:46

I will never understand why any woman would want to get involved with a man who still lives with their ex. Even if that side of things is true the relationship is not yet over in the eyes of the children even if they were aware of the split.

For me, living with the ex, her not knowing about you and his not wanting to upset the apple cart is sounding a bloody great gong let alone alarm bells. But even if they were genuinely split, it’s still far too messy to be introducing you into the mix.

FWIW I have a friend whose ex genuinely lived with her for two years post split and while they were waiting to sort out the house etc, and during that time he entered into a new relationship, introduced her to the kids and they even went on holiday. She said the impact on the kids was horrendous. Years down the line things have improved, but at the time she said that they hated the new partner, hated him for what he was doing, hated being in the situation.

Don’t go there, it can’t possibly end well.

I lived with my ex for almost a year post split and it would never have occurred to me to start a new relationship even without his knowledge.

Also, he loves his kids, that should be a given. If he needs to keep reiterating it I’d be wanting to know why. Personally I think it’s because he wants to make sure you don’t read too much into the relationship as you’re just a bit on the side.

HarryPottersSecretSister · 04/10/2018 10:47

OP, I genuinely don't mean this to sound as patronising as it probably reads (text absent of tone and expression and all that) but are you very young by any chance?

senua · 04/10/2018 10:48

Quite apart from all the objections pp have said, who wants a life with someone who proudly says “I don't have hobbies or go out with friends."

hellsbellsmelons · 04/10/2018 10:50

Run - far and fast
THE HILLS ARE THAT WAY >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

montenuit · 04/10/2018 10:51

oh please put some value on yourself.
He is not ready (or willing by the sounds of it) to be in another relationship. You're just a bit of company/entertainment while he is lonely downstairs on the sofa bed.
Please have higher expectations of a relationship than this.

Sarahjconnor · 04/10/2018 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundturnandtwohalfhitches · 04/10/2018 10:54

My DH and I live together. We split 2 years ago but we get on fine. Financially and for child care reasons it works for us. It's not perfect but we're making the best of a bad job. We can have other partners but we don't necessarily tell each other about them. We have separate rooms. We don't sleep together. I am not the only one who lives like this- I have 2 friends in the same position. It is entirely possible he lives the way he says he does.

chemicalworld · 04/10/2018 10:55

The reason I entered into something like this was that I had very genuine feelings for someone I had known for 20 years and it had been a decade since I had let myself love someone and feel loved.

It is very hard, but you do deserve better than this, if it is meant to be then space for him to dig out his new life for him and his kids is needed.

Sorry, I know it is tough.

Singlenotsingle · 04/10/2018 10:56

That's just his way of giving you a "reason" why you can't meet his DC or visit him at home. The real reason is that he still lives with his wife and he doesn't want the DC to spill the beans. You're the OW and right at the bottom of his priority list.

NoTeaNoShadeNoPinkLemonade · 04/10/2018 10:57

I'm inclined to think that the fact he keeps warbling about how much he loves the kids and what he does for them is probably utter bullshit and I'll bet its just to convince you hes a fantastic catch. I'll bet he barely bothers with them, unless of course theirs someone around to impress.
I'm also going to agree with PP that he is probably very much in a relationship with his "Ex".
Sorry to be harsh and bitter but I've actually been the "ex" in this situation and one of the main points of conversation revolved around how much he did for kids and home which was all lies. He never lifted a finger even when I begged for him to give them some attention, a trip to the park or a little help in the home (he was jobless at the time). He used to tell his special friends he was a single dad and kids were his world. haha they still have no respect for him to this day cos they grew up and ain't stupid! He tells everyone/anyone who would listen, what a great dad he is (who does that) and these days the kids will scoff and say well actually mum does/did that. You just ignore us.
I think the great father act is what angered me more than the fact he was lining up multiple victims.