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Original poster

Bf loves his kids waaaay more than me - aibu?

201 replies

HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 09:15

I have a complicated long distance relationship. A few months in. I am very much in love and everything is perfect.

Except... he tells me quite often that his children are his priority and they come first always. Which is of course how it should be. I have DCs too.

But yesterday it reached a whole new level. And I was told, quite explicitedly, that being with his DCs will always be his favourite thing to do and nothing else comes close.

“I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”

“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

“I want to be with them, not other people”

I am not a demanding partner. I have my own life and plenty to be getting on with. I never ask for anything. If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine.

But somehow he always finds a way to remind me exactly where I stand.

Of course his young children should come first. I would never expect anything else.

So why do I feel so shit? And why do I have zero interest in spending time with someone as their 2nd choice.

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 04/10/2018 10:01

So he lives full time with his wife and kids in the family home. I guess telling you that his kids come first so he can't see you much is easier for him than telling you that you are the OW and he can't get away at weekends.

But yes, basically that.

CesiraAndEnrico · 04/10/2018 10:02

That's not everything is perfect, but..

That ruddy great fly in the ointment of very different looking kinds of priorities and visions of how things should be. They are not compatible outlooks. Somebody has to accept a compromise beyond the point of being happy with their lot in those circumstances.

And I would leave some room for the possibility that his separation does not necessarily fall within the limits of the more generally understood meaning of the word.

He may be using his feelings for his children as shield against a push from you to move the relationship forward. Specifically, in a direction he cannot go without unwanted revelations upsetting his applecart.

Gersemi · 04/10/2018 10:03

She doesn’t know about me. His friends and family do

If this is true, his friends and family are colluding in deceiving his wife, which makes them all, boyfriend included, pretty horrible people.

chemicalworld · 04/10/2018 10:06

You could have been me 2 years ago writing this. It’s too complicated, get out. He should at least tell her that you are together, he needs to grow some balls. My ex was living with his ex wife, but she knew about me, and his kids knew that Daddy had met someone new. Their relationship had been dead in the water for a long time... Of course the kids come first, but my ex said it so much (without needing to might I add, one of the reasons I loved him was because of how much he cared about their welfare) that it began to jar me.

We split up time and time again when things became complicated, when his ex became vitriolic, when he decided he needed to do things by himself, when he decided his kids needed time with him alone, and eventually when I met the kids, it all went well but it wasn’t QUITE how he had imagined it to be. Anyway, I am projecting onto your situation here but my advice is get out now and iin the future once he has his new life set up, kids are used to mummy and Daddy being apart etc, then is the time to be together. I wish I’d had to foresight to get out earlier but I was very much in love with someone and was completely blinded by my love for him.

Gersemi · 04/10/2018 10:06

I'm slightly stunned that, for you, the only thing that makes your situation less than perfect is the issue with the children. The fact that he lives with his ex and only sees you the occasional weekday night is apparently a perfect state of affairs.

Seriously, OP, you're worth much more than this.

Dartsplayer · 04/10/2018 10:06

He lives with his "ex". He doesn't want his children to know about you. You're the OW. Get rid as quick as you can

TwistedStitch · 04/10/2018 10:08

Do you really believe he doesn't share a bed with his wife?

HarryPottersSecretSister · 04/10/2018 10:08

"doesn’t want me to spend time with them all as it will upset the cart with his ex"

OP, you'll never meet these children because he's cheating on their mother with you. He's right - having his mistress spend time with his children will upset the cart with his wife.

I totally understand that situations can vary and be complicated but there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever in my mind (from what you've told us) that you're not in a relationship, you're just sleeping with a married man.

Why does his "EX" not know about you?
Surely if she was an EX there would be no reason for him to keep his relationships secret from her.

Ceilingrose · 04/10/2018 10:09

I have a theory, based only on anecdotal evidence from here and in real life , that when men say they are living with their ex wife and split, they are lying. You have to wonder if the wife knows they are split. Perhaps that's why he is so busy: living two lives.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 04/10/2018 10:10

I have a complicated long distance relationship.

Were you anticipating moving to his area, because it's very very clear he won't be moving to yours.

In the (unlikely) event that I wanted to pursue this relationship, next time he says it, I would just ask him "why do you keep saying that?" and leave the ball in his court.

Sad to say, I think you're better of out of it.

Overyou · 04/10/2018 10:10

He’s right but he doesn’t have to keep going on about it. That’s the weird bit. Has he really got the space for you in his life?

Nanny0gg · 04/10/2018 10:11

Oh please.

Why are you wasting headspace on this man?

Do you actually go out with him ever or are you just a booty call?

Get rid.

Overyou · 04/10/2018 10:12

Sorry thread moved on while I was posting. Run!

AynRandTheObjectivist · 04/10/2018 10:12

He's still in his relationship, you are the unwitting OW and this is the easiest way to keep control of when he sees you.

Original poster
HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 10:14

I video call him most nights. While he’s on the sofa bed downstairs.

I do believe he’s feelings for me are genuine. I do believe he has left his ex. I believe he cares about his DCs very much and is scared about where this road is going to lead for them. I don’t know if this is doing me any favours

OP posts:
northlaine · 04/10/2018 10:14

To me it sounds like everything is far from perfect! IMO children of course come before romantic relationships but that goes without saying and adults are allowed to have time away from kids to do other things IF they want to. It doesn't mean they love their DCs any less.

It seems to me that you are being told he's got you in a box in the corner of his life and you can come out to play when he chooses, but otherwise should remain quietly in your box until he's ready to get you out again for half an hour. Is that what you really want? Tbh it sounds like he's conducting an affair with you which is a big secret from the ex- may as well not be an ex- wife.

I would not be happy with that - the kids thing is a smokescreen to keep you well and truly at a distance. He's not in any way ready for a proper relationship is he? I think you are going to get hurt OP if not careful, but if you are happy with that possibility it's obviously your decision to carry on.

SleepingStandingUp · 04/10/2018 10:16

OP even if they ARE split for good, he doesn't have room for you.

How long you been together and how often you actually seen each other?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 04/10/2018 10:16

I'm sorry but if his 'ex' doesn't know about you then he's not serious about you. Why has he not told her?

Red flags all over the place.

Have you met his friends and family? Or has he just told you that they know about you?

I have a horrible feeling that you are the OW. Sorry.

DistanceCall · 04/10/2018 10:17

Of course his children should be his priority at this stage. But it's really, really strange that he insists that there isn't anyone else he enjoys spending with more.

As PPs have pointed out, what happens when they grow up? Ultimately, the person who stays with you, and who you share your life with, is your partner.

It's not either/or. You can love your chidren and love someone else - it's different kinds of love.

I would seriously question the relationship.

adaline · 04/10/2018 10:18

I video call him most nights. While he’s on the sofa bed downstairs.

That means jack shit. Maybe they have separate beds because one of them snores, or one of the children shares with mum. Sleeping in separate beds doesn't mean they're split up! Or maybe he just goes to bed later than her?

PrettyLovely · 04/10/2018 10:18

I love my kids more than my dh, I love spending time with them more too, He also loves them more than me, I would be concerned if he didn't to be honest.

On the other hand your biggest problem is staring you in your face.
You sound like his bit on the side.

KlutzyDraconequus · 04/10/2018 10:18

There's loads of single guys out there that don't have all these ridiculous issues.

Find one nearer that has time for you and isn't embroiled with his ex still.

Video calling on a sofa bed proves nothing btw.. other than the fact he's downstairs when his kids and 'Ex' are upstairs.

PrettyLovely · 04/10/2018 10:20

Oh and also the video chat thing doesnt mean a thing because hes hiding you from her anyway, even that is being done in secret as she doesnt know about you.

ravenmum · 04/10/2018 10:20

We do hear sometimes about people on here that have broken up with their partner, but still have to live together; it's not impossible that the situation is as he tells you.

However.

  • he's chosen to have a long-distance relationship. Very convenient when you don't want people to bump into on another.
  • he's afraid of you bumping into one another
  • even if they have agreed to separate, it must be pretty recent - got over it quickly, has he?
  • don't tell me; he's using his extreme love of his kids as a reason not to meet up with you sometimes when his wife changes her plans
  • "If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine" - he's often not free, then? Lucky him, finding someone who will hook up with him when it's convenient for him.

No, you do not just have to suck anything up, why on earth would you think that?

ravenmum · 04/10/2018 10:21

My ex used to video chat me from the hotel when he was on a business trip.

Actually he was on holiday with OW.