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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bf loves his kids waaaay more than me - aibu?

201 replies

HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 09:15

I have a complicated long distance relationship. A few months in. I am very much in love and everything is perfect.

Except... he tells me quite often that his children are his priority and they come first always. Which is of course how it should be. I have DCs too.

But yesterday it reached a whole new level. And I was told, quite explicitedly, that being with his DCs will always be his favourite thing to do and nothing else comes close.

“I love spending time with my kids. I prefer it to anything else in the world”

“I don't have hobbies or go out with friends because I just want to be with them”

“I want to be with them, not other people”

I am not a demanding partner. I have my own life and plenty to be getting on with. I never ask for anything. If he’s free then great if he’s not then fine.

But somehow he always finds a way to remind me exactly where I stand.

Of course his young children should come first. I would never expect anything else.

So why do I feel so shit? And why do I have zero interest in spending time with someone as their 2nd choice.

I just need to suck this up, don’t I??

OP posts:
Gersemi · 04/10/2018 13:40

Quite apart from the ex issue, you are absolutely right to be worried about what he says about his children. It's strange for him to go on about it so much, it's weird to be so obsessed by your children that you don't want friends or hobbies, it's weird to tell your girlfriend/partner that you will never love her as much as you love your children.

Time to walk away, I would suggest.

Aeroflotgirl · 04/10/2018 13:40

Nothing good will come from this relationship, unless you are prepared for sloppy seconds or thirds. You will just be the bit on the side, he has told you this, you are not important to him or up there with his kids. He lives with his ex, and haven't been separated for very long, run run with the hills.

SuperGekkoMuscles · 04/10/2018 13:41

How has he left? He’s still there.

LivingDeadGirlUK · 04/10/2018 13:46

Regardless of if he is with his ex or not, he sounds like hard work, has a lot of baggage, and also sounds a bit dull! I've always thought with long distance relationships that if you can't get it to work when you only meet up a few times a month than what chance is there when you are around each other every day?

ravenmum · 04/10/2018 13:47

Well, if you know you are/were the OW, I guess that explains to some extent why you are happy to just sit around waiting for him to drop a few crumbs of attention your way.

But only to some extent. You must have an incredibly low sense of your own value.

My advice would be again, that you don't have to suck anything up. And to take a break from relationships and work on your self-esteem.
But I doubt you want advice of that kind.

FWIW, I would also say I enjoy my children's company better than anyone else's right now. But that doesn't mean I wish I was with them when I'm with my bf. Obviously I like being with him, too. I think you're being a bit precious there - wanting him to love you best? (Maybe because you secretly know that actually your relationship is built on sand.)

Overyou · 04/10/2018 13:50

It’s quite possible that they are separated and living together. Exh and I did that for two years but neither of us put ourselves out there to meet anyone else out of respect for the other.

I don’t see how he can conduct a meaningful relationship with you under those circumstances. Added to that the frequent ‘children come first’ messages and you are being kept in your place and I wouldn’t like it if I were you.

northlaine · 04/10/2018 14:02

Ok so even if they are not together the question is why is he repeatedly telling you that his ideal/ best/ favourite place to be is with his kids and by implication not with you?

He's telling you where you stand in his list of priorities. Maybe he's having a dig that you aren't as good as a parent if you don't say the same about your DCs, as you suggest, but unless you have other reasons to think that it's unlikely he's thinking that deeply. I still think it's his way of making sure you know your place and therefore don't expect much from him.

The fact you've written the post shows this at least is setting off the alarm bells for you. You aren't happy with that OP, whatever he is clumsily trying to do I think it's clear he doesn't want to get involved beyond where things are right now. You are not a priority at all!

He wouldn't move in with you would he, because that would mean the ex finding out, which it's clear he doesn't want. Maybe it's not the right time for him to commit to your relationship or go beyond the infrequent meet ups and skyping. (if I was being generous). In the meantime he's got you there for emotional support / intimacy etc on his terms only.

Just ask him.

SandyY2K · 04/10/2018 14:18

Is he really the best you can do?

Honestly I'm not being harsh...but you have a long distance relationship with a guy who lives with his Ex.

By telling you his kids come first...which is expect...He's setting you up and preparing you to be let down last minute when it suits him. The kids will be used as the excuse for it.

As he loves his kids so much...he won't be in a hurry to move out of the house.

PhilomenaButterfly · 04/10/2018 14:20

YABU. Of course he does.

Original poster
HelpfulHermione · 04/10/2018 14:31

It’s so easy, isn’t it, to convince ourselves we’re being unreasonable? Expecting too much. Making a fuss. Maybe that’s just me.

It’s not as bad as some of you think. But you’re right, it’s bad. He’s in no place to be making any kind of emotional commitment to me right now.

OP posts:
Annalogy · 04/10/2018 14:41

I think you're unknowingly the OW too, OP Thanks

It's easy to say as a stranger on the internet, but you know that you need to end this.

IdahoCrow · 04/10/2018 15:01

It's the fact she, his partner, doesn't know that's so very wrong. In her mind, they're probably just going through a blip. They have children ffs. His hyperbole is his guilt talking.

He's a lying git, bottom line. It's deceitful and disrespectful.

speakout · 04/10/2018 15:09

OP does this not trouble you at all?

Your "boyfriend" is married, living with his wife and kids, and his wife doesn't know he is seeing you.

Which part of all this are you having difficulty understanding?

HarryPottersSecretSister · 04/10/2018 15:36

speakout
OP posted a little up to say that he wasn't married to his ex. Also that they (the op and him) met online when they were both technically attached so to be honest, they're probably well suited and it clearly doesn't trouble either of them (if I'm understanding it correctly)

Notacluewhatthisis · 04/10/2018 15:42

He is definitely keeping you both hanging on.

He keeps banging on about how much he loves his kids because...................He is justifying why he is spending the weekends as a family with his (maybe) ex and kids. They are acting as a family. He is preempting your objections.

I still lived with my ex when I met DP. I moved out and the pursued my relationship with Dp. Even then we needed a break to deal with it all and recently got back together.

This relationship, isn't ok.

troodiedoo · 04/10/2018 15:49

Poor kids.

Loopytiles · 04/10/2018 16:06

You ARE being unreasonable - to yourself. To accept the crumbs he’s offering.

Sounds like an “exit” affair / relationship. Fair enough, but not a sound basis for the kind of relationship (love) you seem to want.

Powerless · 04/10/2018 16:09

Problem is, if you were to back away and tell him that what he is saying is the reason, he will likely presume you have a problem with him putting his kids first.... Really tricky one!

Loopytiles · 04/10/2018 16:11

Men in long term relationships who are parents don’t go looking online or when out and about for new female friends who live miles away. They are looking for someone new to shag who can easily be kept in a box, away from what they see as their real life.

Loopytiles · 04/10/2018 16:11

It doesn’t really matter what he presumes about OP.

MyBrexitGoesOnHoliday · 04/10/2018 16:12

His comment makes you feel shit because it is telling you loud and clear you are not actually that important to him.

Even if he is separating from his ex etc etc, the reality is that he really wants to be with his dcs, that separating will stop him from seeing them everyday and he hasnt dealt with it yet.
In his mind, he still hasn’t really moved in to be a single dad who has 50/50 residency or only see his kids EOW. And he is struggling with the idea. Which is exactly what he is telling you when he says ‘his dcs are his world. No one will ever come before them’
Basically he is not ready for a relationship (if I am been very kind)

MissSpoke · 04/10/2018 16:15

It doesn’t really matter what he presumes about OP.

^^ This

Especially when he won't see her for dust

Wheresthebeach · 04/10/2018 16:23

So to answer your question 'why does this make me feel so shit' - because someone you care about is constantly telling you that you are his last priority. Also you feel shit because you know deep down that this is crap but haven't gotten to the point of taking action based on realising you're worth way more than this. So you're suffering in a sort of hideous limbo where he's making you feel like a bad person for wanting more attention.

Its quite crafty for him to use his kids like this - difficult for you to argue that you should come before his kids without getting told how great a father he is, with the implication that you're an awful mother as you do not to feel the same about your kids.

He's polishing his halo, while being an arch manipulator.

As so many have said - leave this relationship before he really does your head in. Find someone with similar values and a less complicated life. There is no room for you in his (unless the bottom of the pile is your ideal spot).

SoyDora · 04/10/2018 16:40

I would be willing to bet a lot of money that he’s still sleeping with her.

SassitudeandSparkle · 04/10/2018 16:41

This sounds like the man someone in my street had a 'relationship' with. He could spare two or possibly even three hours every two or three weeks. He lived with his ex partner, hadn't managed to move out yet and couldn't spend more time with neighbour because his son was ill and needed him.

Absolute bullshit. Yet so familiar. Why - because women fall for this! Like the OP!

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