Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker? Boyfriend met my mum and it was a disaster

275 replies

DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 11:44

Could do with some perspective here please. Been with my boyfriend three months, we are both early thirties. He introduced me to his family quite early on and when I met them I brought flowers for his Mum and was polite etc.

He’s been really keen to meet my parents and so I arranged for him to meet my mum yesterday. He’s been saying he’s really excited etc and to be honest, out of both of us he’s been the one who’s been pushing our relationship along and wanting to meet each other’s family and friends.

He came round to mine yesterday evening straight from work, my mum was here waiting to meet him. He has a manual job and turned up in his work clothes, filthy, covered in dust and hadn’t shaved. He looked a mess. He hadn’t brought anything for my Mum and was quite cocky the whole evening. This is a man who takes a lot of pride in his appearance usually so I have no idea what he was playing at.

I asked him about it this morning and he said he was keen to come round and meet her and spend as much time with us as possible, instead of going home first and making himself presentable. He keeps saying how much he likes my mum and he’s so pleased he’s met her.

I’m seriously considering ending things as I think he was so disrespectful. Is that petty? I just feel sad that he didn’t think he needed to make any effort.

OP posts:
itbemay · 28/09/2018 11:48

What did your mum say?

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 11:49

My mum said she expected him to have made an effort. She said she was shocked he turned up looking like that. I don’t think she was overly impressed.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 28/09/2018 11:51

I think on balance I'd give it another go before calling the whole relationship off just because of one evening. What do you mean by cocky? What was your mum's response to him?

HereIgoagainxx · 28/09/2018 11:51

Is buying flowers the done thing now? Not something I'd ever expect.

How long would it taken him to go home and change? Would it have meant very little time with your mum?

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 28/09/2018 11:52

Maybe your dm should be happy he has a job?

NonaGrey · 28/09/2018 11:53

Organising a get together straight after work seems like a bad idea from the start.

anotherangel2 · 28/09/2018 11:53

I would not expect him to buy a gift for your Mum because he was not his guest. If he was invited to hers for dinner and turned up empty handed then that would be an issue.

What is more important in this situation - your opinion or your Mums?

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 28/09/2018 11:54

I can see why it seems odd behaviour, but I'd give him another chance.

Cockiness can sometimes be nervousness covered up. I think I can sometimes be guilty of that unwittingly...

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 11:55

Thanks for the replies.

He was cocky as he came into my house, said hello to my mum then went off to have a shower. He then spent the rest of the evening talking about himself. He has to pass his house to come to mine so that’s why I was surprised he didn’t go there first to change.

Maybe I’ve got high expectations but he said with previous girlfriends he was always nervous beforehand, brought a gift for their Mum and made sure he was presentable. He just strolled in yesterday like he couldn’t give less of a shit.

OP posts:
MarthasGinYard · 28/09/2018 11:55

Why did he go straight from workConfused

Had your mum invited him to eat?

If so no effort and no token a bit off

Hoppinggreen · 28/09/2018 11:58

The 1800’s called OP, they want you back!
The poor bloke came straight from work when he should have gone home to change, not sure if yiu rushed him or not
It’s nice to take flowers etc when you go to visit someone but I wouldn’t expect it when you are meeting them somewhere else
He was probably “cocky” because he was feeling insecure
Also, your Mums opinion is irrelevant, it’s nice for everyone to get on but if you dump him just because he didn’t give her a great first impression then he’s better off without you

iamconfused18 · 28/09/2018 11:58

I would have expected him to have made an effort and it would put me off that he hadn’t.

I don’t know if you’re joking April showers but having a job wouldn’t be enough for my mum if the person didn’t treat me well and respect me. Respecting me means respecting my family and the least he could’ve done was turn up in a presentable way, especially the first time they met and when it was planned in advance.

I can see where you are coming from Downandout1

Belletower · 28/09/2018 11:59

Honestly, this would be for me. He made a big deal with previous girlfriends parents, but with you he just didn't bother - after telling you about it, too.

Shows a complete lack of respect IMO.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:00

Sorry I should have been a bit clearer in my OP. The plan was he would come round to mine then the three of us would go out for dinner. Table was booked for 8 so he had plenty of time to go home, get changed and then come to mine as he finishes work at 4.30 and he only lives 30 mins from me.

Thank you for the different perspectives. Maybe I just expect too much from him and I’m being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Rezrex · 28/09/2018 12:00

ONly thing that worries me is the cocky part. Is he like that normally? Was it nerves? How was he cocky?

Bringing something is a nice gesture, but not necessary. Never really heared that's a thing. I agree that tothe first meething he should have gone home and changed, but on it's own its not a red flag.

TwitterQueen1 · 28/09/2018 12:00

It was a power play OP. He's marking his territory (you) by putting your mother firmly in (what he perceives to be) her place. You're obviously close to your mum and it's important to you what she thinks of your friends. He was basically saying he's more important than she is and he'll do what he likes and act as he pleases around you because she doesn't matter.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:03

Belletower you have summed up exactly how I feel. I think it’s the revelations about the ex girlfriends that has made me feel this way.

OP posts:
Rezrex · 28/09/2018 12:03

I was typing while you had responded. Yeah, I'm getting yellow flag vibes. He could have gone home and changed. There was no reason to shower at yours. Did he have spare clothes there? Or had the work clothes on when you went to restaurant?

PuppyMonkey · 28/09/2018 12:04

Ok, so maybe a bit odd of him to do that then. But I would still give it another go.

It could have been a mix of nerves and wanting to come across as "I'm oh so chilled out and relaxed" to impress her. But instead it came across as cocky and disrespectful. I dunno. Just tell him you weren't very impressed and neither was your mum and give him a chance to put it right next time.

Gr33nGlass · 28/09/2018 12:04

TwitterQueen1 Spot on.

Deadringer · 28/09/2018 12:04

It's weird considering he is usually fussy about his appearance and he said he normally buys a gift. Also why on Earth wouldn't he have had his shower in his own house if its on the way. It sounds like he was marking his territory op, showering at your place and being cocky, letting your mum know he belongs there iykwim? I would have it out with him op.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:06

Rezrex He had a tracksuit at mine (he usually puts it on to chill out in when he comes to mine after work). He wore that to the restaurant. This is a man who is all about his appearance normally and wears nice clothes, is clean shaven and likes to look good.

OP posts:
Blondebakingmumma · 28/09/2018 12:08

It honestly wouldn’t bother me or my mum. It’s fairly superficial

Notacluewhatthisis · 28/09/2018 12:08

I think you are being ridiculous. My oh works in a warehouse. He often comes to mine and gets a quick shower.

If mum had an issue with that I would tell her to catch herself on.

Oh and what token present dd is she bring him?

Poulnabron · 28/09/2018 12:09

Are you terribly close to your mother? And did she express reservations about him? If so, does that matter to you? Or is primarily that you feel disrespected?