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Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker? Boyfriend met my mum and it was a disaster

275 replies

DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 11:44

Could do with some perspective here please. Been with my boyfriend three months, we are both early thirties. He introduced me to his family quite early on and when I met them I brought flowers for his Mum and was polite etc.

He’s been really keen to meet my parents and so I arranged for him to meet my mum yesterday. He’s been saying he’s really excited etc and to be honest, out of both of us he’s been the one who’s been pushing our relationship along and wanting to meet each other’s family and friends.

He came round to mine yesterday evening straight from work, my mum was here waiting to meet him. He has a manual job and turned up in his work clothes, filthy, covered in dust and hadn’t shaved. He looked a mess. He hadn’t brought anything for my Mum and was quite cocky the whole evening. This is a man who takes a lot of pride in his appearance usually so I have no idea what he was playing at.

I asked him about it this morning and he said he was keen to come round and meet her and spend as much time with us as possible, instead of going home first and making himself presentable. He keeps saying how much he likes my mum and he’s so pleased he’s met her.

I’m seriously considering ending things as I think he was so disrespectful. Is that petty? I just feel sad that he didn’t think he needed to make any effort.

OP posts:
CottonTailRabbit · 28/09/2018 12:12

I would definitely see this as a red flag. Especially as he had to go past home, had loads of time, normally takes care of his appearance.

For me the key thing would be if he apologised for looking a state to your mum the moment he met her.

If you've only been dating three months it is odd that he washed at your place not his own, especially as he had plenty of time.

It does smack of him getting his dick out and pissing over you, your mother and home to make the point he can do whatever the fuck he likes.

Courtney555 · 28/09/2018 12:12

I hate that, when they tell you about all the effort they went to for other people, then snap at you for asking why you have not been treated with the same respect. Like, not just one person, but everyone else was special enough... Not you though.

I've just dumped someone that did this all through the relationship. He was just a c*nt that seemed to get off on knocking my self esteem. Took me too long to see it, but if a new bf did this, he'd be gone the next day, because I now know what it's paving the way for.

Poulnabron · 28/09/2018 12:12

Actually, having just read your last post, it's odder to me that he keeps a tracksuit at your house. Does he spend a lot of time at yours, lolling about? Three months in sounds a bit early to be lying on the sofa in a tracksuit which no one should ever wear unless actually engaged in athletics.

Is part of the issue that he met your mother for the first time at your house, which he already feels is 'his' house, rather than at the restaurant?

I'm not sure I'd be wild about someone taking me for granted to that extent that early in a new relationship.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:14

poulnabron good questions, it’s mainly because I feel disrespected. I’m close to my mum but ultimately her opinion doesn’t affect my choices. She did say she quite liked him tbh.

I hope I don’t sound like a superficial arsehole. Some of the replies (which I appreciate) have made me think maybe I need to get off my high horse.

OP posts:
Rhondacross · 28/09/2018 12:14

I disagree with some posters. He passes his own home to get to you, had plenty of time and you were going to a restaurant.
So he bypasses his house, breezes through to your shower and dresses in a bloody tracksuit to go out to dinner.
Not too bothered by the lack of gift, but it's odd that he's made a point of saying how he treated other girlfriends' parents then been like this.
Looking at the whole thing - Sod that! How's he going to be in a year's time if you're still together?

LightDrizzle · 28/09/2018 12:15

Is your house your mum’s house? I’m a bit confused. If your mum was hosting him for dinner by invitation then chocolates or flowers are in order, but if my daughter’s boyfriends had turned up with flowers for me the first time they met me informally I’d actually be a bit Hmm.
He seems to have seen it as meeting your mum but also being 3 adults getting together and going out. Arriving in clothes is fine in that context, I’d be unhappy and baffled about the cockiness but perhaps it was nerves and he was “displaying”? Does he often bore on about himself? If not I’d give Home the benefit of the doubt - recalls pink - faced teenage boys trapped in endless monologues about their trials bikes and top
cornering speeds on them, in a desperate effort to win my heart and fanny in distant past -

dontgobaconmyheart · 28/09/2018 12:16

If it's put you off him that's entirely fair enough OP- nobody here knows him so maybe he was nervous, maybe he's a bit of a tit- we don't actually know.
I don't buy into this flower presentation for mum though, it's very contrived. She isn't the queen and there's no occasion that warrants them, he's not making an offering at the altar!
You can easily show respect just by introducing yourself nicely and being pleasant attentive company. You've pointed out that he didn't do that either, so why not ask him about it or give him another chance if you like him, or if it's show a side to him you don't like them drop back a bit or end it.
I'd prefer my parents liked my partner but let's face it if they don't that could be as much to do with them as the person they met. I'd think my mum was being very judgemental if she had expressed dislike based on the person not dressing up for her or bringing flowers. (Not suggesting yours has said this)- people's parents are just normal people, the tendency to act submissive and sycophantic to impress isn't something I enjoy from partners, I just want them to be themselves , anything else is a red flag for me in a way.
If them being themselves reveals they're actually a rude person- shaft them.

Loonoon · 28/09/2018 12:16

On the surface it sounds fine, something and nothing, but you were there and it’s made you doubtful.

Are you normally suspicious or looking for faults in people? If yes, maybe cut him some slack. But if you are normally quite rational and reasonable then I think you should listen to your instincts. Watch and see how the next couple of meetings go. If he is still being cocky or territorial or making you uncomfortable in any way it might be time to move on.

MatildaTheCat · 28/09/2018 12:16

I agree with Twitterqueen. There’s something quite calculated about that. Pushing things along is also a worry.

When someone shows you what they are it pays to pay attention.

CottonTailRabbit · 28/09/2018 12:17

It worries me that you are thinking Maybe I just expect too much from him

Dating is about discovering if you are compatible.

You have discovered early on that he can behave in ways you find breathtakingly rude and disrespectful.

I’m seriously considering ending things as I think he was so disrespectful. Is that petty? I just feel sad that he didn’t think he needed to make any effort.

Never ignore your gut. Never.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:18

poilnabron he comes to my house once during the week then I go to his house at weekends. He has a tracksuit here so he can change out of his work clothes and lounge around in that if we’re just staying in. To be honest we don’t spend a huge amount of time staying in, we usually make plans to go out and do things.

OP posts:
Rezrex · 28/09/2018 12:19

Ok, with all this information it is a red flag. Not necessarily leave him now, but a keep a closse eye.

Individually these are no big deals. But knowing that he could have gone home, he went past his place, he normally makes an effort, he has made an effort to other partners. There is some weird stuff going on and could definately be somehting.

I don't think this is about being superficial. This was on purpose.

bert3400 · 28/09/2018 12:19

I think if normally you have a happy relationship, you could put the cockyness down to nerves, if you are happy I would give him another chance, maybe on neural territory, such as a restaurant or cafe

bert3400 · 28/09/2018 12:20

*neutral

BestestBrownies · 28/09/2018 12:21

Alarm bells are ringing here for me OP and in your shoes I would be seriously pissed off. If the situation were reversed, would you even dream of presenting yourself like that to his mother for the first time? There are unpleasant misogynistic undertones to his behaviour as well.

Trust your gut.

MrsJayy · 28/09/2018 12:22

Ive never had flowers from adult Dds boyfriends is that a thing ? Tbh your mum saw your fella in work clothes and he was over chatty i don'tcsee much wrong with that, however I don't think you see it as that and you are embaressed by him which is a real shame maybe he was anxious.

Belletower · 28/09/2018 12:23

It's exactly how I would feel too, OP. He can make an effort for everyone else except you and your family.

What makes it worse is that he walked past his house and couldn't even be bothered to at least go in and get some nice clothes to wear for later, even if he did then get ready at yours. To then slob about in a tracksuit in a restaurants is just crass.

Considering he made a huge point of telling you how important appearance is to him and making effort for everyone else, I would wonder if he is asking to be dumped!

Missingstreetlife · 28/09/2018 12:23

He's being arrogant. Either he's nervous and covering it up, or showing your mum he has got his feet firmly under your table. Either way it's not on. He needs a good talking to and more respect next time

viques · 28/09/2018 12:24

Just read about the restaurant. Not changing and showering before eating at home is pretty gross, but not to do it before you eat out at a place where you have actually had to book a table is really disrespectful.

Who paid? Hope you all paid for yourselves.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:25

MrsJayy the flowers wouldn’t normally bother me and isn’t something I would expect. It’s the fact that he has been harping on about doing it for previous girlfriends mums and how he has always made a real effort that rankles. In my mind it’s as though he just doesn’t care enough.

OP posts:
EggSurprise · 28/09/2018 12:27

Not changing and showering before eating at home is pretty gross, but not to do it before you eat out at a place where you have actually had to book a table is really disrespectful.

But he did shower and change, didn't he? The OP was annoyed that he came in, met her mother, and went off to take a shower. Then he changed into the tracksuit to go out to dinner.

mydietstartsmonday · 28/09/2018 12:27

I think you have every reason to be disappointed. I think you need to say to him your felt he did not make an effort and was in your opinion this shows disrespect to both you and your mum.

It could be because he was nervous and keen to meet your mum.

I would give him the benefit of doubt but tell him he needs to make amends. Do a re-run where he makes more of an effort.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:28

He’s really pushing for me, my mum and his parents to go for dinner next week now. He thinks it’s important they all meet but I don’t see the rush. This is still early days.

I don’t know but my gut is telling me somethings off about this one.

OP posts:
CalonGlas · 28/09/2018 12:28

no, I wouldn't be impressed by that either.

SharpLily · 28/09/2018 12:28

I could see my husband behaving like this out of nerves, to be honest - he's not comfortable in social situations. If, however, this bloke is usually pretty smooth socially then it does seem a bit odd although again, I would put it down to nerves.

I am confused by the buying gifts and flowers. It seems very formal and if my husband had turned up to meet my mother for the first time with flowers I would have found it overly stiff and rather uncomfortable. It would have put me right off as I am a more relaxed person. If you are the sort of person who expects to be bought flowers regularly and likes to be 'princessed' by someone then maybe he's not for you.