Is this a dealbreaker? Boyfriend met my mum and it was a disaster

[DownAndOut1]

Could do with some perspective here please. Been with my boyfriend three months, we are both early thirties. He introduced me to his family quite early on and when I met them I brought flowers for his Mum and was polite etc.

He’s been really keen to meet my parents and so I arranged for him to meet my mum yesterday. He’s been saying he’s really excited etc and to be honest, out of both of us he’s been the one who’s been pushing our relationship along and wanting to meet each other’s family and friends.

He came round to mine yesterday evening straight from work, my mum was here waiting to meet him. He has a manual job and turned up in his work clothes, filthy, covered in dust and hadn’t shaved. He looked a mess. He hadn’t brought anything for my Mum and was quite cocky the whole evening. This is a man who takes a lot of pride in his appearance usually so I have no idea what he was playing at.

I asked him about it this morning and he said he was keen to come round and meet her and spend as much time with us as possible, instead of going home first and making himself presentable. He keeps saying how much he likes my mum and he’s so pleased he’s met her.

I’m seriously considering ending things as I think he was so disrespectful. Is that petty? I just feel sad that he didn’t think he needed to make any effort.

@Jitters - Some people and their mothers obviously have very low expectations .

I'm sorry for your loss, Down. The more you say, the worse he sounds. Even if you were very happy with this oaf your boyfriend, it strikes me as way too soon to do something that says 'We're serious', like meet one another's parents, especially when you and your mother are both feeling understandably fragile. Having his parents meet your Mum is both way too much too soon, AND insensitive in the circumstances. Have you asked him why he's so anxious to do something that comes waaay further down the road for the vast majority of couples?

Are you sure you're thinking straight, OP? The immediate aftermath of a major bereavement is probably not a great time to start a new relationship. Best wishes,

I'd be very very wary OP. I think he was marking his turf, and behaved very disrespectfully to your mum AND you.

He's quite pushy then. Still lives with his parents in his 30s? Doesn't consider other peoples feelings. Showed a complete lack of respect (and pased it off as though puppyish over-enthusiasm) to your mum.

Not great on paper after three months, is it?

He’s basically walking all over me isn’t he?

Such a relief to let this all out on here. Thank you so much for replying everyone.

Red flags from me.

My ex did something similar to me but with my work colleagues. We were attending a summer ball at a posh venue in London, black tie etc. He turned up late, in a normal suit, 5 o clock shadow, unbrushed teeth and was grumpy all evening. No real reason. We had been in a relationship for a few years at that point. I should have got rid of him then. It is absolutely as a pp said about pissing all over you and what you value.

Given all your subsequent posts, it does seem like this guy isn't the best catch and probably isn't right for you. If you had agreed dinner for 20:00, then turning up at yours straight from work at 16:30 does seem pretty weird. Like, why??

Having said that, I don't think a gift/flowers is necessary, nor is it relevant whether someone has recently shaved or not (lol). Just something to bear in mind for when you do take a decent man to meet her and he maybe doesn't take flowers. That's not abnormal. What's much more important is that he's friendly and polite in general, I would say.

Your latest update is a big alarm bell going off. Who doesn't show compassion to someone in your Mum's position? What a horrible man.

To sum up:
He's still a mummy's boy (and he'll expect you to do everything for him).
He wants his own way.
He didn't put much effort into meeting your mum.
He doesn't care that she's recently widowed, and puts his own feelings first!!!

I'm sorry, OP, but I think you should definitely cool things off. This must be very sad for you as you've just lost your dad. Maybe you could spend a weekend with your mum, tell him you don't want any disturbance, and have some breathing space. If he can't respect that, I'd call it a day.

Yes Sweetheart he is walking all over you and your grieving Mum.... I'm so sorry to hear of the recent loss of your Dad also..

He's behaved like an insensitive prick now I see your updates... it's all about him.. he walked in claiming territory over your home in front of your Mum... he was behaving like this was HIS home and acted as such.. he's a DICK... sorry OP

I am in agreement with both Twitterqueen and belltower, I think he was trying to assert himself over her and is displaying passive aggressive traits!

Be very careful. I always trust my gut instincts now and yours are trying to tell you something. You are right!

I had an idea he might be the type to be critical of others. And if he's harsh about them then he'll be just as harsh with you down the line. It's probably just women or men he feels inferior to that get most of his criticism.

Next thing you need to check is that you aren't relying on condoms for contraception. Sounds like the kind of guy that would stealth or poke holes in condoms to engineer an accidental pregnancy.

Forcing your mum to meet knowing you are recently bereaved is dodgy - as is his territory marking of you in front of her. I'm glad you made the decision to bin him.

this sounds like "lab rat".

he thought he'd use the meeting mum as a chance to run an experiment on you.

drop him. There is no good reason at all for doing this.

I think if he’s pushing to meet your family early and rushing it sounds like the beginning of a bad (controlling) relationship tbh

After your more recent updates, yes, there are a lot of red flags.
I’d find him being so coddled and him allowing it to happen a teal turn-off.
Sound like he doesn’t really listen to you. Not good.

I can't see any good reason why he behaved like an arrogant arse, only bad ones.

I'm very close to my DD, she has been seeing someone for 3 months and it's quite serious, I will not be meeting him anytime soon, and would be uncomfortable if he pushed for it.

Chuck this one back OP.

You sound like a pair of snobs. 🤷‍♀️ Do the poor bloke a favour and.dump him.

babyShark have you read my updates? And the responses from other posters? Me and my mum are in no way a pair of snobs, that’s uncalled for.

ignore the bullshit posts OP... some people have very low standards..

Before I read all the replies, I was thinking ‘he sounds like a bloody tomcat’ and it’s funny that so many others made the same observation - marking territory, pissing on the lamppost. He set the tone for the whole night. Saying he’s not expecting sex cos your mum is staying; the corollary being, when she leaves, he’ll be round for some - that’s the sense I’m getting here, and I don’t like it.

Are you sure he hasn’t accidentally-on-purpose moved in by stealth?

The only —tiny— bit of leeway is give him is that it was midweek, ie not a weekend night, when many people especially those who do manual/physical labour might feel more inclined to put in an effort.

So sorry to hear about your loss. Your partner should be offering support and respect esp. at such a difficult time, not unnecessary pressure.

His behaviour with your mum reeks of power games and from personal experience it often doesn't end well. I think that if he's happy to demonstrate / assert this kind of strange dominance so early on it's only going to get worse and at best just be a really frustrating and unrewarding relationship for you.

This is only my opinion of course but you must have alarm bells to post this and going with your gut is always good advise. x

BabyShark-sometimes other sharks eat smaller ones

So sorry for the loss of your dad. Definitely feels like alpha man positioning, showing the women who is boss.

I would day trust your instinct 100% even of you can't name the behaviour. That was my issue with a toxic Ex, I couldn't name his behaviour so assumed I must be exaggerating..reality was I hadn't ever witnessed controlling behaviour so no insight into how it creeps up.

I’d put him in a box and see what his reaction is?

Flat out “no” to dinner together. “Not after the way you embarrassed me with your complete lack of effort and thought the other night.”

See what he says. Profuse apologies? Tell him you accept his apologies but it’s best you give each other a bit more space and maybe go back to dating rather than being exclusive. Anything else? Dump him. If he asks why, “I’m not impressed by your behaviour to be honest. At three months, we’re in our best behaviour for one another. If this is it, I’d hate to imagine what you’d be like 2 years down the road. Probably expecting me to wash your underpants.”

snipsnip it’s interesting you say that because one of my friends did ask me if he was hoping to move in with me. He has no intention of getting his own place so moving in with me would be the next best thing for him (not that I would ever let him).

God I really have been a fool here. Red flags all over the place.

I think ending this relationship is the very best thing to do. He’s being insensitive, entitled and controlling. Not good qualities.

Dump him. Give yourself some time to grieve for your dad.

Sorry for your loss