Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker? Boyfriend met my mum and it was a disaster

275 replies

DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 11:44

Could do with some perspective here please. Been with my boyfriend three months, we are both early thirties. He introduced me to his family quite early on and when I met them I brought flowers for his Mum and was polite etc.

He’s been really keen to meet my parents and so I arranged for him to meet my mum yesterday. He’s been saying he’s really excited etc and to be honest, out of both of us he’s been the one who’s been pushing our relationship along and wanting to meet each other’s family and friends.

He came round to mine yesterday evening straight from work, my mum was here waiting to meet him. He has a manual job and turned up in his work clothes, filthy, covered in dust and hadn’t shaved. He looked a mess. He hadn’t brought anything for my Mum and was quite cocky the whole evening. This is a man who takes a lot of pride in his appearance usually so I have no idea what he was playing at.

I asked him about it this morning and he said he was keen to come round and meet her and spend as much time with us as possible, instead of going home first and making himself presentable. He keeps saying how much he likes my mum and he’s so pleased he’s met her.

I’m seriously considering ending things as I think he was so disrespectful. Is that petty? I just feel sad that he didn’t think he needed to make any effort.

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 28/09/2018 12:46

No this relationship isn’t right for you, your gut has your back.

LuluJakey1 · 28/09/2018 12:47

Trust your gut reaction. Take a step back and just see.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 28/09/2018 12:47

Oh blimey, I was all for giving him the benefit of the doubt but wtf would in laws meet for a 3 month relationship?! He pushing you into a deeper relationship than you're ready for and that's rarely for positive reasons.

BunnyColvin · 28/09/2018 12:49

It's not the dressing up per se.

But based on everything else? This isn't the guy for you. I'd say either put the brakes on big time or end completely.

primoestate · 28/09/2018 12:49

Does he still live with his Mum?

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:50

primoestate yes he does

OP posts:
Gersemi · 28/09/2018 12:51

Has he explained why he treated you differently from how he treated previous girlfriends?

SandAndSea · 28/09/2018 12:51

OP, I'm really impressed with your responses here. I honestly think if you stay in this relationship he will take you over and wear you down over time. I think you'd do well to get out now.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:52

sandandsea thank you Flowers

OP posts:
trulybadlydeeply · 28/09/2018 12:53

I think you're absolutely correct that he's not right for you. Go with your gut, it's the ideal time to get out, you've given it a shot, you've got to know him a little, but it's still early enough to break up without any difficulties.

Personally I can't get past going out to dinner in a tracksuit. If he'd been held up, didn't have time to change etc fair enough. But this was a choice he made. Plus the fact that his mum does everything for him. He's going to expect exactly the same from you. He doesn't hold women in high regard.

trulybadlydeeply · 28/09/2018 12:54

Incidentally, what did he wear when you had dinner with his mum?

llangennith · 28/09/2018 12:54

What was he thinking?! I get that he may have been nervous which may have manifested itself in cockiness but the rest of it? Sounds like a loser.
I don't think he's the one for you OP. You clearly have different standards and expectations.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:56

Another drip feed coming up and I apologise.

With regards to him wanting me and my mum to meet his parents, another reason why It bothers me is because my dad died five months ago and it is still very raw for me and my mum. My mum has said herself she doesn’t want to meet his parents as it’s too soon and she’s not in the right frame of mind but my boyfriend seems to overlook this and keeps pushing for it. It just seems weird and not very thoughtful.

OP posts:
primoestate · 28/09/2018 12:56

OP, maybe his Mum hadn't told him he needed to look presentable for the meeting with your mum? Cleaning his room, making his sandwiches......
He's a child, not a man.
Run for the hills.
And yes, I think he should have bought your mum (and you) flowers. And paid for dinner too.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:57

trulymadlydeeply He dressed very nicely - trousers, shirt and shoes. Not an old tracksuit.

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 28/09/2018 12:59

I agree with others, the behaviour of showing up needing a shower, then swanning off to your bathroom for a shower (like he lives there), followed by changing into a tracksuit that he has left at your flat. He is sending your Mum a message here, I have ownership of your daughter, we are having sex, I have practically moved in and I have clothes that I keep here. She is mine, whether you like it or not’ .

No wonder your Mum wasn’t feeling comfortable with the situation! I am glad that you have decided not to continue with this relationship! Be very careful how you exit it though, I would consider reading Lundy Bancroft ‘Why does he do that’ and consider taking the online freedom programme.

SandAndSea · 28/09/2018 13:00

@DownAndOut1 - My pleasure. Obviously, you must do what feels best to you. Maybe read back what you've written on here. He doesn't sound like a great catch to me. You do though! Maybe look for a man who lives independently and loves his mum but doesn't live in her pocket. Star

ApolloandDaphne · 28/09/2018 13:01

How very strange. That is not at all normal. He sounds very disrespectful.

montenuit · 28/09/2018 13:04

TwitterQueen1 Fri 28-Sep-18 12:00:54
It was a power play OP. He's marking his territory (you) by putting your mother firmly in (what he perceives to be) her place. You're obviously close to your mum and it's important to you what she thinks of your friends. He was basically saying he's more important than she is and he'll do what he likes and act as he pleases around you because she doesn't matter.

SPOT ON!

  1. he told you how much he made an effort with previous girlfriends
  2. he pushed to meet your parents
  3. he takes pride in his appearance
  4. he went to a restaurant with your mum in a TRACKSUIT?

seriously he is playing power games. Get rid, or at least call him out on it and gauge his reaction.

Mitzimaybe · 28/09/2018 13:04

Three months in and he is already overriding your wishes (and your mum's) and trying to make everything his way. Trust your gut. My mum and MIL lived 12 miles apart but didn't meet until we got engaged iirc, by which time we'd been together three years.

EK36 · 28/09/2018 13:08

I don't think flowers are necessary but showing up clean and in smart clothes would have been the done thing. For some strange reason he seems to think looking dirty and scruffy is okay with your family but not any exes is odd?! He has very low expectations of your mum. Therefore disrespectful to both you and your mum.

Greyhound22 · 28/09/2018 13:09

You should be running so fast for the hills that they are now behind you.

He is trying to control you - 3 months in.

At 3 months you should still be going on dates and looking forward to seeing him. Not posting about him on MN.

Dump him.

ferrier · 28/09/2018 13:09

Definitely power games.
And also, by meeting your mum and getting both mums to meet he's trying to entwine you both more deeply (and way too early) making it harder for you to get out.
Don't let that happen.

Gemini69 · 28/09/2018 13:10

It was a power play OP. He's marking his territory (you) by putting your mother firmly in (what he perceives to be) her place. You're obviously close to your mum and it's important to you what she thinks of your friends. He was basically saying he's more important than she is and he'll do what he likes and act as he pleases around you because she doesn't matter.

This I agree with .... every word .. I'd end this too lovely Flowers

diddl · 28/09/2018 13:12

He sounds awful Op.

So sorry to hear about your dad.

Even if he would have had to get ready at yours then he could have brought some decent clothes to wear!

A tracksuit to a restaurant-you should have refused to go!

Swipe left for the next trending thread