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Original poster

Is this a dealbreaker? Boyfriend met my mum and it was a disaster

275 replies

DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 11:44

Could do with some perspective here please. Been with my boyfriend three months, we are both early thirties. He introduced me to his family quite early on and when I met them I brought flowers for his Mum and was polite etc.

He’s been really keen to meet my parents and so I arranged for him to meet my mum yesterday. He’s been saying he’s really excited etc and to be honest, out of both of us he’s been the one who’s been pushing our relationship along and wanting to meet each other’s family and friends.

He came round to mine yesterday evening straight from work, my mum was here waiting to meet him. He has a manual job and turned up in his work clothes, filthy, covered in dust and hadn’t shaved. He looked a mess. He hadn’t brought anything for my Mum and was quite cocky the whole evening. This is a man who takes a lot of pride in his appearance usually so I have no idea what he was playing at.

I asked him about it this morning and he said he was keen to come round and meet her and spend as much time with us as possible, instead of going home first and making himself presentable. He keeps saying how much he likes my mum and he’s so pleased he’s met her.

I’m seriously considering ending things as I think he was so disrespectful. Is that petty? I just feel sad that he didn’t think he needed to make any effort.

OP posts:
titchy · 28/09/2018 12:29

It sounds like he's metaphorically pissed on your lamp-post. You need to ask why he made so much effort with previous girlfriend's parents and none with yours. If he's mortified and keen to make it up to you and your mum then maybe a second chance. If he tries to justify himself then bin him.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:29

viques yes we all paid our own share

OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 28/09/2018 12:31

The pushiness is far more concerning than the lazy, CBA attitude in my opinion.

DerelictWreck · 28/09/2018 12:31

Maybe your dm should be happy he has a job?

What a weirdly low bar!

I think it's ok to expect more from people!

Peonylover123 · 28/09/2018 12:31

I think you're being ridiculously unreasonable.

He bypassed his house...right... well, my question is: do you live with your mum? As to me this entirely changes things...
If you do then he probably just wanted to meet her and why should his normal clothes impact an opinion.

Sounds like you're stuck up and making excuses.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:32

To answer a previous poster about whether my house is my mum’s - no it’s not. Basically I live on my own and my mum lives about two hours from me. She came to stay with me for a few days and when I told my boyfriend that’s when he suggested that it would be a good opportunity to meet her.

OP posts:
Seeingadistance · 28/09/2018 12:33

He's marking his territory.

Big red flag.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:34

derelictWreck I’m glad you said that. I thought the comment about my mum being happy he has a job was bloody weird.

OP posts:
BestestBrownies · 28/09/2018 12:34

Sounds like you're stuck up and making excuses.

What utter nonsense.

OP, your standards are entirely reasonable and normal. Don't lower them for anyone. Especially only 3 months into dating.

tolerable · 28/09/2018 12:35

@DownAndOut1- how does he get on with his mum?

Smellyrose · 28/09/2018 12:36

He’s really pushing for me, my mum and his parents to go for dinner next week now. He thinks it’s important they all meet but I don’t see the rush. This is still early days.

My parents didn't meet my ILs until we had our first baby - five years after we were married! You're right, there really is no rush for them to meet.

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:37

tolerable He’s incredibly close to his mum. She does mollycoddle him a lot though which I find a bit odd. He’s a thirty odd year old man and she still makes him packed lunch, does his washing, cleans his room etc.

OP posts:
MiggledyHiggins · 28/09/2018 12:37

the flowers wouldn’t normally bother me and isn’t something I would expect. It’s the fact that he has been harping on about doing it for previous girlfriends mums and how he has always made a real effort that rankles. In my mind it’s as though he just doesn’t care enough.

hmm, this feels like PUA negging to me. Making sure you know he thinks you don't quite measure up to his ex's. It's designed to make you feel off-balance, unsure, and feeling like you need to prove something. Any chance he gives you compliments that make you feel like they are kind of backhanded? Stuff like "I've only ever seen thinner girls in dresses like that but it looks great on you" or that kind of thing?

Only three months in I'd be considering his actions to be yellow flag material and keeping observant for any more similar behaviour.

bluetrampolines · 28/09/2018 12:38

You know that thing where a cat pisses on their territory? That's what your op reminds me of.

It aint going to get better than the beginning.....hes making his BEST effort now. If you are okay with that fine. If not.....

If it quacks, it's a duck.

MrsJayy · 28/09/2018 12:38

If you have been hurt by him then you need to tell him before he thinks he can be an arsehole all the time,

Jitters22 · 28/09/2018 12:39

Maybe your dm should be happy he has a job

Never ceases to amaze me the crap that gets written on AIBU.

So ignore the fact that he passed his own house en route to yours and couldn't be arsed to nip in, quick wash and change which would have taken all of what, 15 minutes? ... before meeting your mum for the first time.

Ignore the fact that he struts in, and after a cursory 'hello' to your mum he breezes past her and takes himself off to shower at yours.

Ignore the fact he acts all cocky and talks about himself all evening.

Ignore the fact he goes out to dinner with you both in his lounging around 'chill out' tracksuit.

Ignore all that and just be grateful he's got a job! The fact that he is employed overrides everything else OP. You and your mum should just be 'happy' that this icon of a man, dust, dirt, cockiness, tracksuit and all - works for a living!

Confused
SandAndSea · 28/09/2018 12:39

It's hard for us to advise you as we don't know any of you but I would definitely listen to this:

I don’t know but my gut is telling me somethings off about this one.

Why not back off a bit and see how you feel? Don't rush into a joint meeting of parents yet. It's too soon for you and there's just no need for it. He's rushing you - don't let him. His reaction to you putting the brakes on will be telling - let us know what happens (if you want to).

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 28/09/2018 12:40

At first I thought yabu but:
Table was booked for 8 so he had plenty of time to go home, get changed and then come to mine as he finishes work at 4.30 and he only lives 30 mins from me.
This is a man who is all about his appearance normally and wears nice clothes, is clean shaven and likes to look good.
he has been harping on about doing it for previous girlfriends mums and how he has always made a real effort

No, sounds deliberate; what was going on his head?

amyboo · 28/09/2018 12:40

DownAndOut1 - I agree with others who've said this isn't on. No one should go out to dinner in a tracksuit. Ever. Unless it's an absolute last resort situation. As he passed his house to get to yours it sounds like he just couldn't be arsed to make the effort and wanted to show off to your Mum that your house is his house, blah blah.

FWIW - My DH and I have been together for 20 years, and our parents/Mums have met 3 times, and one of those was our wedding day. So, I don't see why it would be so important for your Mums to meet... It would be a turnoff to me to be honest. He needs your Mums be be friends?!? I'd walk away personally...

nicebitofquiche · 28/09/2018 12:40

I wouldn't expect any new girl or boyfriend of my children to buy me something on our first meeting. Nor would I mind someone coming in dirty from their manual job.

SandAndSea · 28/09/2018 12:41

He’s a thirty odd year old man and she still makes him packed lunch, does his washing, cleans his room etc.

Walk away.

Jitters22 · 28/09/2018 12:41

Just realised it's not AIBU but Relationships.

Still plenty of crap written on this thread though having an unnecessary go at the OP.

bobstersmum · 28/09/2018 12:41

He sounds like an ex of mine. I bet he was talking about himself because he was nervous. So he turned up on work clothes, well, that's who he is, she would see him like that at some point. He went off for a shower straight after didn't he?

Original poster
DownAndOut1 · 28/09/2018 12:43

miggledyhiggins He’s usually very complimentary but he can be critical on occasion. Nothing too awful or comparing me to other women, just the odd comment that makes me think ‘ouch that was a bit harsh.’

I’m sorry to drip feed but I do feel a bit like he walks all over me sometimes. The whole meeting my Mum situation was engineered by him and it was him who decided what time he would come round, what we would do etc. He even said he would stay over after and ‘understood we couldn’t have sex with my mum in the house.’

This thread has really helped. I don’t think this relationship is right for me.

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 28/09/2018 12:45

Twitterqueen has the measure of him.

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