Marriage?!?!

[Perdie85]

Hi all, I’m new here but needing some advice please?

So.. me and my partner have been together for 12years, I have a child from a previous relationship, which my partner has now become a really good step-dad.

In 12 years, we’ve moved house once, changed cars 4 times, have two dogs and have two wonderful children also. We have talked and had serious conversations about life and what we both would like to happen and where we both see ourselves in years to come. We get on great, maybe not the past 12months due to my partners anxiety and depression, it has taken a toll a small bit on our relationship. But even before that like 8/9 years ago my partner still didn’t want to get married, nor does he even now. Back then he said marriage was for mugs and why would he want to get married?!. yes I thought also at the time what a complete nob! ( He does have some good qualities to him) lol. We spoke about it and he said he never wanted to get married. I thought it’s ok, we have plenty of time and our futures together and he will probably change his mind.

Roll onto now and the excuse now is that ‘ we can’t afford it ‘.. Yes us ladies have dreamt of a big beautiful lavish wedding, but I have been to a few over the past few years to know what I would like and wouldn’t like and it’s defiantly not a big white wedding where we’re spending xxx amount of cash! Small private intimate is more my style, sorry if I offend anyone by that. Each to their own 😜.
The think is, like I said above, the last 12months we’ve had a rocky patch due to my partners issues, but we’ve come out of it at the other end, yes he’s always going to have these issues to some degree but I also think now he doesn’t ever want to get married to ME. Things have changed in the last 12years, but I still love him if not more now than I did at the beginning. He really is my everything.
I did give him a timescale few years back and said I’d he hadn’t asked me by the end of year I was leaving, obvs I’m still here. Hehe 😉

Everyone around is getting married or has got married. And yes I am jealous but also that I would love nothing more than to commit to this man who I deeply love and couldn’t live without. He’s been my rock and I have been his. Like many couples we have had our ups as downs and bicker, but we laugh at the end of it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing more I could give to have my partners name and be proud.

So my question is this.. what the hell do I do? I’m more upset now, than jealous of others, to the fact that I don’t think think this man loves me enough for us to marry.

Thank you in advice for any responses.. xx

Why didn't you believe him when he said he didn't want to get married?

He may be your everything but you are not his everything.

He does not want to marry or more succinctly put marry you. His excuses are just that, and pathetic they are at that too. You are probably the "she will do for now woman". You've been good enough to have another child by and move property but marriage no. He has never had any intention of marrying because he at heart is selfish and does not want to share. He does not want to make that commitment to the world that you are his wife.

Your mistakes here re him are twofold. The first has been to assume in your head that he would ever change his mind re marriage. Your other major relationship error here was to ever give him a timescale a few years back re marriage that you never saw through. What was the point of issuing that threat if you were not prepared to carry it out?. He really is never going to take you at all seriously now.

His depression and anxiety issues are also not a hall pass for him to treat you with any level of contempt.

The ball is very much in your court but you have really handed over all your power and control to him at your overall emotional and financial expense. Would you really now be prepared to leave him?. Your choices frankly here are stay or leave

Whose surnames do these children have, his as well?. He has it all and you have very little to show for all the years you have been together.

Have both of you sat in front of a Solicitor to have wills drafted?. How protected are you in the event of a separation from him?. Generally speaking your relationship is not recognised or otherwise enshrined in law and you are seen and will be treated by the tax people and legal profession as two people who are not related to one another. Your legal rights are very poor here indeed in the event of separation. If he was to die early you could be also in for a mountain of hardship, both emotional and financial, apart from having to deal with your own grief.

He said 8 years ago that he doesn't want to marry you but you're still hoping for a proposal?! Wake up and stop being a mug. He's never going to marry you. Ever.

Not sure to be honest, only thing I can thing off is that we we’re young when we got together, I was 20, he was 22. Thought over time things would change and develop so to speak into marriage.

Wow brutal! But suppose I must be.

The threat wasn’t a threat as much. More banter, the reason why I put ‘hehe 😉’ at the end.

When he said marriage was for mugs he was telling you he knew it was better for him to stay unmarried.

He’s been clear all along. It’s a shame you didn’t believe him but he’s not going to change his mind. You can either accept it or break up.

"Thought over time things would change and develop so to speak into marriage".

You were 20 when you met him and thus had no real life experience behind you. You were dead wrong there as has been proven to you by him more than once. If he wanted to marry you at all he would have done so by now.

If that threat was banter it just makes you look childish and sorry also desparate. And why say it anyway, to get a reaction from him?. It is no real surprise therefore he does not take you seriously now either.

Is there no will in place either?.

Attila that's a bit harsh, him not wanting to get married doesn't mean she's not his everything or that she's his for now woman. Someone piss on your chips?

Op, some folks don't want to get married. He has always been clear on this, I don't know why you thought you could change that. It seems you can't,

So the question is is this a deal breaker for you? Because he's not going to do it. He's not lied to you. What happens next is down to you. Is this enough for you?

Sorry but he was clear with you and you decided not to take him at his word. That's on you, I'm afraid.

You two aren't going to marry, there won't be a proposal or wedding planning or any of the milestones that you are starting to feel jealous of. I suggest you decide whether you're going to accept that, or move on to find someone else to give you a wedding/marriage (tbh it's not clear from your post which one it is that you want)

Please dont do that thing some women do where they become bitter and chronically pass-agg with the cheeky banter that turns to constant comments and sulks about how their dp isn't "making an honest woman of them". It's really pathetic. Face up to the decisions you've made and the words you decided to ignore, and make a decision about what YOU are going to do next.

No there is no will in place. To be honest and maybe it’s a bit naive of me but I didn’t and haven’t thought of the financial side of marriage or should I say no marriage.
Maybe I need to look into this more? Where do I find this information, recommended websites would be helpful.

Well some people do change their minds, don’t they? So that’s why I thought he would change his mind. Never for one minute did I think I could change his mind! I believe there’s a difference there.

Sometimes I feel like, well its been 12years and we’ve done good, so what’s another 12years. But what has upset me recently is that my brother-in-law has recently got engaged, I am sooo happy for them both, they deserve all the happiness in the world, but my happiness turned to upset at the thought that my partner has never thought about me that way. This is making me feel insecure about our relationship now. So think I’ve answered my own question really haven’t I?! No I don’t think is enough.

Please can I have your honest opinions no matter how harsh or brutal them seem.

Thank you

I think the opinions on here are a bit harsh. Just because he doesn’t want to marry you, it doesn’t mean you’re not his everything.

My DP has made it clear he never wants to get married. That doesn’t mean I’m just his “for now” woman. Some people just do not want to get married, for whatever reason.

If marriage is a dealbreaker, move on to somebody who can give you what you want.

Tell him about £50 statutory ceremonies (plus £70 for notice of marriage, so £120 all up).
If he comes up with more excuses you'll know that he is seriously never going to get married...then you can start to plan a life for yourself with less hanging around waiting.

OP, it's perfectly reasonable for people not to want to get married. Marriage isn't something everyone aspires to, and some people have a philosophic objection to it. It doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

But it does mean that you're not protected financially in case something happens to him. I don't know what your situation is re: housing, children, etc., but you have very little rights over each other's property, money, or other benefits if you don't have a marriage contract. This means that if one of you dies (God forbid), the other is usually left without any claim to their estate unless provisions have been made.

This breaks it down nicely for you:
www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

Even if he doesn't want to get marriedand you want to stay with himyou should get your legalities sorted.

I'll bet that if you split with him, in 6 months he'll have found someone else and be married.

Its the way it always happens. He will not ever marry you because you're willing to put up with not getting married. And once you're not willing to put up with it, he's not interested in you so he finds someone else.

Some people just don't want to marry. I don't want to marry. Why are you trying to force him

Propose to him. If he says no, you have your final answer.
FWIW, if he doesn't marry you, leave him and find someone else while you are young. It'll be more difficult as you get older.

Thank you Nancydrawn, I have just been looking at that exact website. Very useful information.

Our living together is that he owns the house, he originally bought the previous house from his parents before we met. When we came to move into something bigger due to having 3 children, he got a sole mortgage due to the fact that I wasn’t working at the time so had no income.
I am now working but because I am on a zero hour contract, even though I am in the same job for the past two 1/2 years with suitable income. We both decided equally, that I wouldn’t be placed on the mortgage due to my circumstances.

Twilightsaga, sorry but I am not trying to force him to marry at all. I have stated above, I have not tried to change his mind, but did think he would change his mind himself after a while. There is a difference!

Why didn't you believe him when he said he would never marry?

He's been honest with you, if you've chosen not to believe that this is hardly his fault.

Where do you stand financially and wrt your home in the event of split, chronic illness or his death?

Are you financially dependent on him?

Chances are you're extremely vulnerable.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

No will is very worrying.

You might also benefit from thoroughly reading this thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3359198-To-think-that-women-should-stop-starting-families-before-they-get-the-ring

You need to get advice ASAP on finances/legalities.

ibmay be wrong but I think you can still be a joint owner of a house without paying anything towards the mortgage. We bought this house when I was between jobs as we had relocated for DH’s job.

I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong but based on your latest posts, if you were to split or he died you could literally be made homeless. My understanding is you have no legal claim to your home at all. Indeed I've seen a relative be in exactly that position and within a month of partner dying lose their home.

You'll have no credit history to be able to obtain a mortgage of your own especially with a zero hours job.

The most you'd get would be if it was a split you could go to cms for maintenance for the children that are his and that's all!

Does he even have life assurance? If so who are the names beneficiaries? Even so, this could possibly be challenged.

I think you’ve very got yourself in a precarious position, legally. Unfortunately he holds all the cards. Has the more secure job, owns the house and pays for the mortgage. Does not want to let you be part of it really, does he? Effectively you are lodgers in his house and he can chuck you out at any time if he wants.

I wish women would not put themselves in such vulnerable positions and then bring children into it. You should have got married first. Or done all the legalities if you didn’t want to be married.

Could you at least have the conversation with him about the legal issues of NOT being married and the implications for you? It will be a hard conversation to have but don’t let him brush it off with a “it’s not going to happen.” You’re entitled to peace of mind. I think if he is unwilling to arrange anything legally for you if he doesn’t want to get married, then you’ve got the answer really.

Curlyhairedassassin - I think that's only if your name is on the deeds which it doesn't sound as if op is!

No I am not financially dependant on my partner, I work also.
I never said it was his fault for what he has said and/or what I have believed. In my previous posts, I said and believed he would change his mind over time. Yes I was wrong maybe to believe that, made a mistake to believe that. But I genuinely don’t regret being with him for 12years, not have I been waiting or hanging around for a marriage proposal from him!. But now as we both have got older and more wiser etc, I am thinking more and more about marriage to this man.