Marriage?!?!

[Perdie85]

Hi all, I’m new here but needing some advice please?

So.. me and my partner have been together for 12years, I have a child from a previous relationship, which my partner has now become a really good step-dad.

In 12 years, we’ve moved house once, changed cars 4 times, have two dogs and have two wonderful children also. We have talked and had serious conversations about life and what we both would like to happen and where we both see ourselves in years to come. We get on great, maybe not the past 12months due to my partners anxiety and depression, it has taken a toll a small bit on our relationship. But even before that like 8/9 years ago my partner still didn’t want to get married, nor does he even now. Back then he said marriage was for mugs and why would he want to get married?!. yes I thought also at the time what a complete nob! ( He does have some good qualities to him) lol. We spoke about it and he said he never wanted to get married. I thought it’s ok, we have plenty of time and our futures together and he will probably change his mind.

Roll onto now and the excuse now is that ‘ we can’t afford it ‘.. Yes us ladies have dreamt of a big beautiful lavish wedding, but I have been to a few over the past few years to know what I would like and wouldn’t like and it’s defiantly not a big white wedding where we’re spending xxx amount of cash! Small private intimate is more my style, sorry if I offend anyone by that. Each to their own 😜.
The think is, like I said above, the last 12months we’ve had a rocky patch due to my partners issues, but we’ve come out of it at the other end, yes he’s always going to have these issues to some degree but I also think now he doesn’t ever want to get married to ME. Things have changed in the last 12years, but I still love him if not more now than I did at the beginning. He really is my everything.
I did give him a timescale few years back and said I’d he hadn’t asked me by the end of year I was leaving, obvs I’m still here. Hehe 😉

Everyone around is getting married or has got married. And yes I am jealous but also that I would love nothing more than to commit to this man who I deeply love and couldn’t live without. He’s been my rock and I have been his. Like many couples we have had our ups as downs and bicker, but we laugh at the end of it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing more I could give to have my partners name and be proud.

So my question is this.. what the hell do I do? I’m more upset now, than jealous of others, to the fact that I don’t think think this man loves me enough for us to marry.

Thank you in advice for any responses.. xx

I quite agree that it's not a good idea to get into a relationship hoping the goalposts will move, but it's still the case that both partners would effectively be making the other choose between their preference and breaking up the family. As there's no compromise options possible. I don't view having a non-negotiable as forcing at all, but if one does, both are.

But how is he forcing anything? He never wanted to get married and OP moved in with him and started a family knowing that. She wants to change the status quo, even though she's known from day one that it's not what he wants.

He's not making her choose anything - she's already chosen to start a family without the protection of marriage. It's too late to expect him to change his mind.

Well as I said, I dont think either are forcing. I don't think that's an accurate or helpful term for a person having a deal breaker in a relationship, be that marriage, not getting married or something else. But the fact that he isn't the one doing the mind changing doesn't mean they're not both potentially putting the other in a position where it's my way or the highway, if that's how you want to view something a person can't feel happy in the relationship without.

Huh? That's totally Illogical. He told her he didn't want to get married, based on this she chose to live with him and have kids. She has now said marry me or I leave. He's not forced her to do anything. It's her own change of mind that's forcing the issue.

And of course she's forcing him. She's emotionally blackmailing him to change the very premise of the relationship that she knew from the start. And if he doesn't do as she wishes she will split the family.

I really don't know how anyone could marry under those circumstances. I'm not thr most romantic of people, but even I recoil at the thought of making somone marry you against their will so they can continue to live with their kids.

I think you may be confusing the words marriage and wedding. You are effectively married already. What would happen if you suggested drawing up a legal document to protect your assets? Does he think marriage is a mug's game because of the ceremony itself or because of the legal ties? If it's the former, then I think you have something to work with: you can compromise on the type of wedding you have. if it's the latter, then you need to have some serious conversations with him about what happens if you split.

Of you have children together then I think we cane safely assume he is committed to you (one would hope) so perhaps he is against marriage on ethical terms. People have all sorts of reasons. I have been married for 12 years to my estranged husband. I love marriage. But when/if we divorce I would NEVER marry again. My outlook on marriage has totally changed in a way that I would never have expected. I wonder what it is that he is worried about. Have you asked?

Also, try to to blame a rocky 12 months on his issues. That seems a bit unfair.

But she's always known his position and had a family with him anyway, knowing it wasn't what she really wanted. I don't think he's putting her in an awkward position - she did that to herself by hoping she would change his mind in a few years.

He's never said "it's my way or the highway" - he's said from the beginning "I don't want to get married". How is he putting her into an awkward position by sticking with what he's always said?

You are effectively married already.

No no no no no. They are absolutely NOT effectively married already. This is such a dangerous way of thinking. There is no law in the UK protecting co-habiting partners. There is nothing in place to protect the almost-marrieds. There is no such thing as common-law spouse in this country.

Having children with someone is not a legal commitment in the same way marriage is. Having children with someone doesn't automatically give you any legal rights to their property, money or anything like that. The fact that they've been together 12 years with two children is irrelevant in the eyes of the law.

Please don't encourage the idea that living together/having children with someone is the "effectively marrying them". So many people (normally women) end up in difficulty because they believe this.

Exactly, if he had changed his mind and suddenly told her he didn't want to get married, or had never told her, then yes he'd be putting her in a terrible position too,

But she knew his position and she agreed to have a family with this man, now she's saying, well yeah I knew, but if you don't marry me now, I'll take that family and split it.

He's already agreed to give her half the house, to put her on the life insurance, it's not like he's not trying.

And as said, how far will she take this. Does he need to pretend to everyone it's what he wants if he agrees to it? Plaster a smile on when folks congratulate them?

He's already agreed to give her half the house, to put her on the life insurance, it's not like he's not trying.

Sounds good, but words are cheap. Has it been done, properly, by a lawyer?

I don't think so, she said she was going to get thr ball rolling, then reverted back to if he doesn't marry me I'm leaving, then said she'd get it rolling, so who knows.

ohhh its unlikely he will marry you. what for? you already live like married couple, so why would he change that. he is comfortable like that.

its too late to blame you for that, but just for future keep in mind that if man says that he doesnt want to marry it doesnt mean that he wont, he is checking you and if you accept it, later will be super difficult to change that. and other thing - its good that you gave him time to think by the end of the year, but extremely bad that you didnt left. if you saying something like that, you have to keep your promise. you stayed and now having a result.

however, now if you really want to get married, talk to him again, explain why it is important to you, acknowledge that he has different opinion, but say that you wont be able to continue relations. also, if your relations are not so good, think 25 times before getting married.

btw, why he really doesnt want to get married? did he give any serious reason?

I really, really hope round 3 went as well as it could

Yeah I mean the guy was honest and said he didn't want to get married from the start, more fool you if you didn't believe he was serious tbh

So.. we had a more serious talk last night.
Got to the bottom of why my partner doesn’t want to get married.. I didn’t buy the ‘it’s not me’ ‘it’s not for me’.. he basically doesn’t want ‘the wedding’ that comes with marriage. We talked about what he would like, what I would like etc.

I asked him why he would always close the conversation down when I have tried to speak to him before and he assumed that I would like a big fancy wedding.. like I said previous and I said to my partner last night.. we’ve been to a few weddings to know what I would like and wouldn’t like but we’ve never spoke properly spoke about it.

He assured me it’s not me that he doesn’t want to marry and he would love to spend the rest of his life with me as husband and wife, but it is basically is ‘the wedding’ part he’s not in to.

And no.. I didn’t give him the ultimatum of marry me or I’ll be leaving!

All I wanted was a serious conversation and explanation of why he doesn’t want to marry.

Could you not just go to a registry office with a witness ?

Even though yes he’s always said he doesn’t want to.. But surely I derserve an explanation as to why and not the ‘it’s not for me’ and ‘it’s not me’

So.. his ideal ‘wedding’ would be, go and get married without people knowing.
I am all for that to some degree. I told him my family and his family mean the world to me and us and I would feel like I would be betraying them of some what if we did that. Plus our close friends who are like family also. I have been best friends with one of my friends since nursery, 29 years, she’s like the sister I never had and he’s been friends with one of his friends for roughly the same amount of time also and would like them to be part of our day. Anyhow, we’ve spoke and kind of come to somewhat agree on things. Which is better than we were at the beginning of the week.

I got married without any family or friends knowing, we picked up two whitnesses from the local library. Friends and family still don’t know. Maybe this would be an option for you both?

I got married with just parents as witnesses. It's signing a legal contract at the end of the day, no need to have loads of people there.

Yes I totally understand that Adaline, it is a legal document and we wouldn’t be doing it for other people, it’s about us. But surely there has to be compromising on both parts, mine and my partners?!

Isn't he already compromising by marrying when he doesn't really want to? I get the impression he's only doing it because he knows he'll lose his family unit otherwise. Correct me if I'm wrong.

But he should be proud to marry you. Ours was a tiny ceremony but my husband was still bloody proud of it, told all his friends and family etc. I can't imagine marrying someone who didn't want to even tell his parents. If you're both happy with that, it's different, but you clearly wouldn't be.

But surely there has to be compromising on both parts, mine and my partners?!

Why does he have to comprimise?

Fundamentally it seems to me like you both want different things. You want marriage and a wedding and he really doesn't want either - he wants things to stay as they are, with your name on the house/insurance policies.

Personally I think either way you're going end up with one of you resenting the other. If you insist on a wedding with guests, he'll be uncomfortable and unhappy about it. If you go his way and never get married (or marry and don't tell anyone) you'll hate it resent him for it. Would you really be happy to marry, knowing you can't tell your friends and family about it, ever?

I think your DP is already compromising by coming to the party about getting married so maybe you need to compromise on how the wedding happens? There are many ways you can involve your family and friends without them actually being there on the day. You could webcast the ceremony so everyone can watch it online while it happens. Or you could elope, have a fabulous ceremony just the 2 of you (and it's really only about the 2 of you at the end of the day) and then have a party afterwards that everyone can attend and celebrate with you. You could have pictures of the ceremony around the place or on a slide show on a big screen? I think you need to keep talking and meet him half way OP, if you keep pushing to not just get married but to get married the way you want (and he obviously doesn't) you might find he changes his mind and goes back to nah this isn't for me.