Marriage?!?!

[Perdie85]

Hi all, I’m new here but needing some advice please?

So.. me and my partner have been together for 12years, I have a child from a previous relationship, which my partner has now become a really good step-dad.

In 12 years, we’ve moved house once, changed cars 4 times, have two dogs and have two wonderful children also. We have talked and had serious conversations about life and what we both would like to happen and where we both see ourselves in years to come. We get on great, maybe not the past 12months due to my partners anxiety and depression, it has taken a toll a small bit on our relationship. But even before that like 8/9 years ago my partner still didn’t want to get married, nor does he even now. Back then he said marriage was for mugs and why would he want to get married?!. yes I thought also at the time what a complete nob! ( He does have some good qualities to him) lol. We spoke about it and he said he never wanted to get married. I thought it’s ok, we have plenty of time and our futures together and he will probably change his mind.

Roll onto now and the excuse now is that ‘ we can’t afford it ‘.. Yes us ladies have dreamt of a big beautiful lavish wedding, but I have been to a few over the past few years to know what I would like and wouldn’t like and it’s defiantly not a big white wedding where we’re spending xxx amount of cash! Small private intimate is more my style, sorry if I offend anyone by that. Each to their own 😜.
The think is, like I said above, the last 12months we’ve had a rocky patch due to my partners issues, but we’ve come out of it at the other end, yes he’s always going to have these issues to some degree but I also think now he doesn’t ever want to get married to ME. Things have changed in the last 12years, but I still love him if not more now than I did at the beginning. He really is my everything.
I did give him a timescale few years back and said I’d he hadn’t asked me by the end of year I was leaving, obvs I’m still here. Hehe 😉

Everyone around is getting married or has got married. And yes I am jealous but also that I would love nothing more than to commit to this man who I deeply love and couldn’t live without. He’s been my rock and I have been his. Like many couples we have had our ups as downs and bicker, but we laugh at the end of it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing more I could give to have my partners name and be proud.

So my question is this.. what the hell do I do? I’m more upset now, than jealous of others, to the fact that I don’t think think this man loves me enough for us to marry.

Thank you in advice for any responses.. xx

Perdie

re an earlier comment of yours:-
"I know of his wishes, god forbid, if anything were to happen, which I don’t think his blood relatives, parents, know of".

That would be another problem then because their wants will trump what you have said particularly if he has not written any of this down in a legally binding document. You could well have no say whatsoever.

Op, why are you ok with the house going to his parents? I can't undestand that. Why have you left youtself so vulnerable and let this man do this to you?

It's not even he doesn't want to protect you financially when he's alive, he doesn't want to do it when he's dead either.

I honestly can't think what you're thinking of here.

Thank you. Deep down maybe I do think he has his own interests at heart and doesn’t want to share. I will have this talk with him and see what he says.

Op, I'm sorry, i don't want to push it, but it's more than he doesn't want to share, he doesn't even want you to have it when he's dead. He'd rather his parents did.

And all this getting him to change his will, if you're unmarried, he can change it back without your being any the wiser.

So if this was anyone else in this position under the same circumstances, what would you do? How would you feel? And what would you want to happen next?
I know everyone’s views and opinions are different.

OP I do agree that in the circumstances, your DP is being very unfair and unkind not to marry you. That wouldn't be enough for me. It seems like the not marrying may be down to financial stinginess and a lack of care, rather than a personal approach to commitment. That's not OK.

I'd read the riot act, explain why, offer mediation and make it clear this arrangement was over.

Crikey. You need to ask him to add you to the mortgage and the house deeds as a priority, as a joint tenant so you would get the house if he dies or a share of the equity if you split up. And life insurance to cover the mortgage. You have no security at the moment.

If he refuses to do that I would leave him and look at getting yourself on the property ladder while you are still young enough to get a longer term mortgage. Or at least getting some secure housing that is yours.

I can understand him not wanting to marry but he should have been ensuring that you had some security in your relationship despite that. He is a piece of work if he has done this intentionally.

You can't depend on people acting morally/kindly in the event of his death. People can behave shockingly badly in the aftermath.

Really worrying you're in such a vulnerable position.

Crikey ! So he would leave his house to his parents and not to his two children. Why ?

I’m wondering why he hasn’t trusted you enough to put you on his life insurance. That is downright wierd when you have children together.

By Any chance did you leave your first partner for him? If so does he think you may do that to him? Sorry if this is not the case but I just can’t get my head round your financial situation at all

It seems he wants his kids looked after if he died but not you.

I actually thought that if someone died intestate even if their children are under 18 then the money still goes to them. Someone holds it in trust for them but I’m not sure how this is organised. He has clearly thought about this but where do you figure, OP?

Does he have a will that you’re not aware of? He seems to know a lot about where his money will go.

Hi Op
Just ti let you know 2 of my friends married their long time partners after a 20 plus year relationship.
One last year and one just recently.
Though for legal reasons they also feel happy emotionally that they did.
So there is always hope.
I was 4 years together when we married.
Have the chat
And yes he would be the bigger financial loser if you were to split.
Maybe reassure him (as much as any of us can ) that you're in this for the long haul.
P.s. just celebrated 20 years this year :)

Atilla is a wonderful poster, incredibly compassionate and helpful, does wonderful work on the thread for people with toxic relatives, if you can’t cope with the realities of boyfriends and girlfriends having zero legal protections through their choice to not marry, it’s your problem.

Op you might want to speak to a solciitor to get a clear idea of the implications before soeaking to your partner.

How is Attila a nasty lady?

What I'd do OP is first of all communicate. See if you think he's done this deliberately and if he'd be willing to take steps to fix it. So for example if he still doesn't wish to marry, that could include a deed of trust for the house. If he's not willing to do anything about the situation to benefit you, well, that's when you have a hard decision to make. But get more information first.

If you don't have a will, then your "wishes" don't really have any weight. And you won't be there to express them, so people may not even be very clear about what they are. Don't think "everyone around me probably knows exactly how I'd like everything divided after my death, and there will be no difficulty or disagreement about that even without a will". Make a will - this is a necessity when you have kids.

OP
You have said he does not want to get married.
He happily agreed to you not being on the mortgage.
He's not given you nay indication at all that he has made any provision for you and the children in case he should die.
You will be homeless if he does die before you as the house will go to his parents
I think he has been clear about where he sees you and the children in the scheme of things and that is none of you are his first priority.

You asked what wwyd.
Personally I would start planning/saving for your own future as there clearly does not seem to be one mapped out for you with this man.

I agree 100% with butterfly.

If OPs partner is a commitment phobe who adores her, none of that prevents him from getting a will to favour her, from not sodding off to his parents who don't like her every time they have an argument or from ensuring she has the security of being a joint/partial owner of the home. And it's the OP, not Attila, who introduced the idea that he might not be opposed to marriage per se, just not want to marry her. But tbh he's not acting like someone who cares. Which is why she needs to ascertain whether this is deliberate or just being useless.

As for the someone more beautiful, is that the Angelina Jolie thing? That could just as easily be about money, since as well as being better looking than most, she's also filthy rich.

Have you talked to him, OP?