Marriage?!?!

[Perdie85]

Hi all, I’m new here but needing some advice please?

So.. me and my partner have been together for 12years, I have a child from a previous relationship, which my partner has now become a really good step-dad.

In 12 years, we’ve moved house once, changed cars 4 times, have two dogs and have two wonderful children also. We have talked and had serious conversations about life and what we both would like to happen and where we both see ourselves in years to come. We get on great, maybe not the past 12months due to my partners anxiety and depression, it has taken a toll a small bit on our relationship. But even before that like 8/9 years ago my partner still didn’t want to get married, nor does he even now. Back then he said marriage was for mugs and why would he want to get married?!. yes I thought also at the time what a complete nob! ( He does have some good qualities to him) lol. We spoke about it and he said he never wanted to get married. I thought it’s ok, we have plenty of time and our futures together and he will probably change his mind.

Roll onto now and the excuse now is that ‘ we can’t afford it ‘.. Yes us ladies have dreamt of a big beautiful lavish wedding, but I have been to a few over the past few years to know what I would like and wouldn’t like and it’s defiantly not a big white wedding where we’re spending xxx amount of cash! Small private intimate is more my style, sorry if I offend anyone by that. Each to their own 😜.
The think is, like I said above, the last 12months we’ve had a rocky patch due to my partners issues, but we’ve come out of it at the other end, yes he’s always going to have these issues to some degree but I also think now he doesn’t ever want to get married to ME. Things have changed in the last 12years, but I still love him if not more now than I did at the beginning. He really is my everything.
I did give him a timescale few years back and said I’d he hadn’t asked me by the end of year I was leaving, obvs I’m still here. Hehe 😉

Everyone around is getting married or has got married. And yes I am jealous but also that I would love nothing more than to commit to this man who I deeply love and couldn’t live without. He’s been my rock and I have been his. Like many couples we have had our ups as downs and bicker, but we laugh at the end of it like there’s no tomorrow. There’s nothing more I could give to have my partners name and be proud.

So my question is this.. what the hell do I do? I’m more upset now, than jealous of others, to the fact that I don’t think think this man loves me enough for us to marry.

Thank you in advice for any responses.. xx

Has he said why he won't get married?

He is willing to put my name on the mortgage, deeds and his insurance

Make sure he actually does it op, start the ball rolling tomorrow.

But overall this tells you he is willing to financially commit. Give him half the house, it is indeed marriage that's the show stopper here for him.

She should also be insisting on a will and she should stop doing more than her fair share of childcare, housework and other "wife work" and think about how to maximise her own income, because without marriage she's not going to be compensated for any of that stuff.

Thanks for the update OP. Sorry it wasn't what you'd hoped to hear. I personally wouldn't make any decisions right now though.

I'm sorry to hear that OP

It has hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been upset tonight. But like people have said, it is my own fault and I don’t know why I didn’t believe him when he first told me. Maybe I was always holding onto hope that one he would change his mind.

You said in your OP that he's saying you can't afford to get married which is obviously bollocks. Is he still sticking to that reason? If not, what is his reason?

Now he’s saying marriage isn’t for him. Not the big wedding, stag do and all the bits to go with a wedding. I have explained that I also do not want a big wedding and we would have to sit together to discuss what we both would like and don’t like, but he then said no it’s not him.

Look, you're flogging a dead horse here. He doesn't want to get married. You're not getting married to him. You need to do what you can to protect yourself financially, including more work and making sure he makes good on promises to put you on the deeds and his insurance.

Does it matter enough to you to walk away from the relationship, OP?

I'm so sorry for you, OP.
I've read through this hoping to find at the end that it was resolved. And it isn't

You must now press him to put you on the house deeds, and that will need a solicitor to make sure it's done properly. I suggest that you make the appointment rather than leave it to him.
His insurance and will need to be changed too. But remember that wills can be changed or cancelled at any time.
Good luck!

"It isn't for him" - he is being a self-centred arse about this.

As I've said before, a wedding ceremony can cost as little as £120 all in. No need for stag does or fancy suits or anything. But he doesn't want hear that because it removes his practical objections and leaves him only "I don't want to". Which is fine, but it is clear that his choice is going to have long term consequences for your family and he needs to think about that too and decide if his fear of hypothetical stag dos trump the feelings of his actual partner. He needs to understand that things can't go back to how they were.

He’s acting like nothing as happened and I don’t know how to handle this now. Think we need to talk further because we can’t leave things how it is. Yes he’s made his feelings towards marriage quite clear, but like I said previous, he’s not willing to listen or compromise any of my feelings.
Yes I am going to get the ball rolling in regards to the mortgage, deeds and insurance today, but.. marriage is still a big issue for me. Think I need some time to myself to think whether the relationship is worth staying for without being married or whether to cut all ties. It has affected me, not going to lie , I just told know what else I can say to him for him to even think about marriage. I am willing to compromise about a wedding, so why can’t he?!

You're going to need to park the marriage bit for now. He's not going to budge. He did tell you it wasn't on the cards. I'd work on getting on the mortgage and insurance for now. It's all you can do.

If he is willing to put you on the deeds, life insurance etc then move forward with that before you do anything else. Get your security before thinking about next steps.

It is hard to put aside your hurt of feeling not good enough to marry, but for your children's sake you must. Protect their right to stay in their own home.

After that is done you can pursue whether actual marriage is a deal breaker for you. But not before. And don't make comments about it either or else he really will never put you on the financials!

So I think the process is two pronged at the moment.

1. Do you trust that he's actually going to do the things he mentioned, and quickly? I would set a timeframe, not necessarily shared with him, but have an idea how soon they all need to be done. A month, two months, whatever. If they're not done in good time, after you've made it clear how important they are, perhaps you then need to consider whether he's done this deliberately or not and doesn't want you to be financially protected.

1. If he did make the legal and financial arrangements, would that be enough for you?

I sympathise with your position but at the same time, there isn't really a compromise here is there? You're either married or you're not. No middle ground. Especially as what you wanted was a small wedding anyway.

Sorry ladies, been really busy today.

Anyway thought he’s made progress earlier today. My partner messaged me this morning asking me to be honest with him. When we talked yesterday, I kind of held back a bit. So today I just blurted it all out, heart on sleeve and everything.
Anyway, he replied back and said we’d talk tonight again.. come tonight and the bastard asked me to get him a drink and I told him basically where to go.. next thing he says is ‘you’ll never be a wife at this rate’ starts laughing. I could have punched him straight in the face. Seriously!! How mean can someone be?!
Any how, I came to bed and didn’t want to sit in the same room as him. He comes to bed and we talked a little, he says it’s not me that he doesn’t want to marry, it’s marriage in general.. but I asked him why he said that before.. I had to repeat myself 3/4 times and still didn’t get an answer, but an apology instead after I said that’s fucked yo shit, playing mind games, getting my hopes up!

Tomorrow is ultimatum day! He either agrees to marriage in the near future or I can’t see a future with his man.

I’m no mug, and I’m not letting him treat me this way

I despair.

OP you are throwing financial security away with both hands if you give him an ultimatum.

He will say no and then what?

He might be scared.

Being a guy, we aren't often taught how to process fear or doubt, or really any negative emotions.

We're often told that expressing emotions is a bad thing for a man to do.

As a result, we often make bad jokes, say offensive things, or entrench ourselves in stupid positions and refuse to budge. Pretty much everything your DH has done.

If you have 2 kids together, and have been together for 12 years, and you're both happy to sign financial/legal documents together, ask him what he thinks is going to happen if you don't get married. Is he going to drop you and his kids, and run off with another woman? Does he think Scarlett Johannsen is just waiting in the wings for him to be single again? Does he dream of going off and backpacking around China by himself? Does he think that your relationship will suddenly change just because you stood around in a room for a few hours in a pretty dress, had some drinks and took some selfies?

You sound like you've had a lot of heavy conversations recently. As a change of pace, maybe suggest in the nicest possible way that he talk about it with someone else. A male friend, a family member, some of his mates, whatever. Get him to open up to someone other than you about his reasons for not getting married. With you, you're part of the "problem", and I use that word just to label what's going on in his head, which could easily be something like "We've been together for ages now, we have two kids, she's on the mortgage, what else does she want from me all of a sudden? This has come out of nowhere!!! Everything was fine until she started banging on about getting married!!"

If he talks to someone else, who isn't part of the "problem" then he might be able to better examine his own feelings. They might also ask questions in a different way, or tell him that he's being a moron. If enough people tell him that, maybe he'll work it out. Find the right shaped key to the right shaped lock and all that.

"Because it's not me" is a bloody stupid reason. Flat. I say that as a man myself. But I'm pretty sure that isn't his real reason, that's just what he repeats to you over and over again because he hasn't worked out what his actual reason is. Talking to someone else might help him discover this reason. I certainly wouldn't take any irreversible steps until you've both had a chance to discuss it with all the other important people in your lives, in person, over a drink or something.

So he asked for a drink ... and then presumably you would sit down and talk???
I always make my hubby a drink when we get in.
And sometimes he'll ask for one if he wants something different than coffee.

(This is after he's gone out his way to pick me up from work after doing a 10 hour shift in a very physical job )
He says it makes him feel loved.

Like pp said he probably is afraid and not sure why.
But not sure anger is the way to bring him round ...,..

He sounds like he was being clumsy and hurtful with the "you'll never be a wife at this rate" remark - and I really don't like the dynamic that was being suggested by it. There is a hint of "run around after me and prove what a great wife you'll be and maybe I'll consider marrying you. So don't complain about waiting on me hand and foot, because then maybe I'll decide you're finally worthy of marriage".

Fuck that shit, OP.

Yeah that was a very unfortunate joke and he shouldn't have made it.

So have you started rhe ball rolling on the house etc?

If he wanted to marry you, he'd have married you already. You've made your feelings clear and he's shown you he's not interested.

Now you just need to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you.

If it were me I’d sort the financials out before sorting the marrige out. Chances are if he sticks to his word, and it sounds like he will, you won’t be marrying him and it may be the end to your relationship. If that happens I bet you won’t see any settlement for your contribution to the house etc. Be sensible and sort out your financial future before anything else